Dedication to Family of Origin

[ploch]

Hi. I am new to this forum.
I would like to know if anyone has a BPD partner who is tied to the family of origin (FOO). That is that the family of origin is more important than wife's husband and current kids.

If foo does anything wrong and I make a comment, wife, "Switches" of and "splits" in her mind and starts to shout and act mad and crazy.

Thanks for any advice.
Some symptoms of wife (I thought it as narcissism first)
-Easily triggered by anything negative
-Is isolated by her family
-When speaks to her family - they give her "chores" to do
-She is "tied" to her mom, almost like the umbilical cord was never cut.
-If she "splits" or "switches" we become her isntant enemy. (Kids are left in school)
-She is good about 80% of the times though but can switch very easily.

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[once removed]

hi ploch, and

its a little bit hard to say without knowing more. it does sound like she feels a great deal of obligation to her family. it could be more than that. it sounds like if you criticize her family, she is very defensive. thats normal to some degree, but she may be very defensive. what kinds of things do you say, and how does she respond?

[ploch]

Thanks for the reply.
They work in a dysfunctional manner. The father does not call his daughter except for errands. THe mother calls for errands. The sister calls to "bad talk" people and also for errands.
I mention that she should not do all those errands as she is busy with her own kids and then she gets vex.

Wife also tries to "put down" her own kids to make her sister's kids look better.

Something must be wrong.

[once removed]

it sounds like her family is pretty demanding, and your wife feels obligated to those demands.

I mention that she should not do all those errands as she is busy with her own kids and then she gets vex.

i think when this happens, you run the risk of putting yourself in between her and her family, and that sense of obligation she has, which can feel threatening to her.

how often does this (the calls for errands) happen?

[ploch]

Once a week.
But the original family should now play a more minor role.
And she does not want to go to the therapist.
When she is mad she wakes up every hour and jumps on floor and knocks things so everyone cant sleep as well.

[once removed]

But the original family should now play a more minor role.

the problem is that she doesnt seem to agree. youre at a stalemate. the more you push for this to happen, the more you make yourself the bad guy, and it escalates conflict.

does that make sense?

[ploch]

What should be my approach

[once removed]

what are the primary problems that her dynamic with her family causes for you and your children?