Silent Treatment Guide?

[Depression = 72% of members]

... .the bottom line is, I should NOT be contacting her further. She is a destructive cancer on my brain and needs amputating and incinerating. It is her birthday on Saturday and that will be the last email I send her. She cannot treat me like this. The end.

[2020]

... .the bottom line is, I should NOT be contacting her further. She is a destructive cancer on my brain and needs amputating and incinerating. It is her birthday on Saturday and that will be the last email I send her. She cannot treat me like this. The end.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cailin]

2020, keep writing, talking and thinking! You’ll solve this problem. It’s a huge problem but there is way more to you than you know. You have endless potential, even if you are not “at your best” right now. Stand up straight with your shoulders back, get the help you need and keep going forward. There is an  old Jewish proverb which refers to the fact that we have 2 eyes and they are in the front of our head, not the back, for looking forward. Don’t romanticize the past, no matter how good it was at times. Grieve it as a loss and move on. It’s all you can do. Our ancestors have been doing it for thousands and thousands of years.
What kind of art do you do? Are you a musician as well?

[Radcliff]

Maybe I am doing this to myself. I am starting to go mad again. I feel physically sick. I have got myself in quite a bind.

Our pwBPD have caused us so much pain, it's natural to focus outward on them at first.  I can see you struggling with whether to focus on her or on yourself.  This is a difficult transition to make.  You seem stuck.  Keep working to get over the hump.  It is holding you back.

The BPD's, who apparently suffer from anxiety and abandonment, they sure know how to inflict it onto others. You don't think this is maniplulative?

Once I started learning about BPD and reflecting on my partner's behavior, I no longer saw it this way.  I think of being manipulative as someone who has a strategy, a plan to control others that they are systematically following.  Our pwBPD are desperately doing what eases their short term pain.  They are working with their reptilian brains, stimulus-response.  That's why we meet them where they are, with things like boundaries that define our actions, not relying them to have functional responses.  I think of it like a five year old driving a bulldozer down the street, leaving a path of destruction.  Villainizing the five year old doesn't solve the problem.

Maybe this is more than BPD. Maybe it’s psychosis.

I can't speak to any particular case, but the amount of reality distortion in BPD can be remarkable, and unbelievably disorienting to us "nons."  There are also often other conditions happening at the same time, and substance abuse adds yet another destructive element.  I'm feeling cautious about the "psychosis" label, because labeling risks distracting us from our own actions which we can control.  I keep coming back to this point because it is a vital part of bettering and/or healing from these situations.

2020, I am sorry for all of your pain.  Depression can be a big weight to fight.  It makes it hard to get things done, especially creative things.  But you must figure out a way to fill your day with more healthy activities.  It's like being stuck in molasses, I know.

When you find yourself stuck in a negative thought vortex, do you have any techniques to break out of it?

RC

[once removed]

  everyone:

i think one thing that is a given is that our relationships involve very difficult people. we can all relate, sympathize and empathize with that. as has been said, sometimes we can be difficult ourselves.

i think another thing that is a given is that we love our partners... .with all of the difficulty.

having an outlet to vent constructively is critical in facing and coping with that difficulty. experts will tell you that.

theyll also tell you that we should be very careful about it crossing over into coruminating, bashing, and generalizations, and encouraging that from each other. when that happens, problem solving goes out the window, conflict is polarized and inflamed, and feelings of victimhood are actually increased.

2020, youre in a tight spot. your partner, whom you love and want to repair your relationship with has gone off the radar, and is tentatively responding. there arent a lot of good options or steps to take in that position. sometimes a therapeutic separation can help stop the bleeding or even improve things. its good that there is some contact that is established. its important to remember that she is dealing with a crisis, and there is tremendous tension in your relationship. that may be less about trying to manipulate you or hurt you, and more about taking space for herself. there is a need to vent your feelings, but seeing her as a vampire hell bent on your destruction is neither realistic or helpful to you. the most important thing here is to try to stay centered and focused on solutions, and what is in your control.

when was the last time you heard from her?

[2020]

Hello once removed,
I am not a nasty person but I am feeling much anger and hurt. I apologise for the negative comments I have written. I am not in a good place right now at all. I have not heard from my partner(?) since New Year's Eve. I felt we had a very good conversation via email. About 30 emails were exchanged and I conducted myself well I thought.

I have told her numerous times, sometimes in tears and quite distressed, that when she goes missing I worry myself sick. She knows this. She has not checked her emails for days now. Her email tab she left open on my computer. She has not seen the 3 emails I recently sent. Maybe there is a good explanation for this? Maybe there is no internet where she is right now? Maybe she is in hospital again? I just don't know why she would slip off the radar like this. What is so confusing is her telling her sister about all of our adventures in Europe and how we are both working hard to get back there. I guess all this can change at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason.

I struggle to get through the days. I have been in this space so many times before with her, but this time it looks like it is the end. Facing that very real possibility is making me ill.

[once removed]

no judgment 2020. when i was going through my breakup, i wrote some of the nastiest things ive ever said about anyone, about my ex. i dont regret it, it represented where i was, and i knew that at the time. equally important is that we all avoid an us vs them equation here.

i think its completely understandable that not knowing your partners whereabouts (even if you think you have a pretty good idea) would send you into a tailspin.

I have been in this space so many times before with her, but this time it looks like it is the end. Facing that very real possibility is making me ill.

maybe, maybe not. she did a hard back off from banning you from her life or contacting her again, before going off the grid again.

i think what is really critical here is tending to yourself physically and mentally, as hard as that may be right now. if/when she comes back, or you hear from her, youre going to have to deal with it with calm and strength.

are you seeing a therapist? what about your doctor?

[2020]

Thank you once removed. Your wisdom is paramount to me. I cannot seem to get her from my mind. She was checking her emails daily, deleting all of the others and keeping mine. Then she would take hours to respond and I'd get something abrupt, or even sarcastic and rude. On New Year's Eve she responded to my Happy New Year message. As I said, we spoke and got on so well. It was a beautiful conversation. I really thought she would be back the next morning but she has not even checked her emails since.

Her birthday is on Saturday. She expressed shame that all of the presents I have bought for her are smashed up. I said that they are objects and maybe we can learn from what has happened. She said, "the presents or things were trivial really, it was the behaviour and treatment toward each other that hurt the deepest. Maybe someday we can connect, I do not know what is good for either of us at present in regard to contact."

I don't know what to do. I don't want to make this worse. My sister has just pointed out my various options but I do not know what to do. Do I drive the 250km to her sister's home and knock on the door, wish her happy birthday? Is that is what she is expecting me to do? I doubt anyone else will celebrate her birthday with her. Her son is unlikely to, that's for sure. Or do I just let her sit in her pain and suffering? It is like I desperately want contact and maybe her birthday is the excuse I need. I am trying to process what I am thinking or doing. I need to be honest to myself. What do I do?

I do have a therapist. I have sent urgent messages to him to get an appointment. He can see me on the 9th of January. There is nothing more I can do. I will try to make a doctors appointment today. My mental health is very poor right now. You must remember I was put onto a disability pension years ago due to severe depression and substance abuse. My recovery has taken a long time and I am still not well. And now this. I have enough of a job trying to look after my sexually abused 17 year old autistic son and his 26 year old depressed cannabis addicted brother. I was just looking through all of the emails from 2018 to my sister. They were mainly desperate pleas for help, messages of despair and worry. The odd email would be one of hope. There are moments of being ignored or abused for three weeks. It has not been good. Some very serious domestic violence has occurred. It has been steadily increasing over the relationship. She may move to her sister and claim to anyone who will listen that she is recovering from years of abuse, but I am the one with the smashed up life, the bite marks and bruising, the cut hand... .The only thing I can be grateful of is the abuser is now gone and she is silent. I could possibly recover in time, but she will be tormented with this BPD regardless of whom she is with or where.

[Cailin]

I have to agree with RC about “the hump” between blaming and hating the pwBPD and focusing on myself. There’s a lot of freedom in taking care of yourself and changing the things you can change, namely yourself. I have been in a 9 day standoff since the Christmas rage but have kept my interactions with him  pristine, no fighting back, no mudslinging. Just validation emapathy and telling the truth. So much hate and vitriol. I kinda of feel bad for him. That’s new.

[once removed]

New Year's Eve

does she drink? do you know if she was drinking that night?

she has not even checked her emails since.

has this ever happened before? some days gone by without checking her emails?

Do I drive the 250km to her sister's home and knock on the door, wish her happy birthday?

i wouldnt. it would catch her off guard (assuming you found her) and not necessarily in the best of ways.

It is like I desperately want contact and maybe her birthday is the excuse I need.

i think given the last conversation, it would be appropriate to wish her a happy birthday. id keep it light and focused on that, i wouldnt push for contact.

He can see me on the 9th of January. There is nothing more I can do. I will try to make a doctors appointment today. My mental health is very poor right now.

the ninth must feel like an eternity. whatever transpires between now and then, assuming that anything does, it will help, and i think seeing your doctor is a really important step here.

They were mainly desperate pleas for help, messages of despair and worry. The odd email would be one of hope. There are moments of being ignored or abused for three weeks. It has not been good. Some very serious domestic violence has occurred. It has been steadily increasing over the relationship. She may move to her sister and claim to anyone who will listen that she is recovering from years of abuse, but I am the one with the smashed up life, the bite marks and bruising, the cut hand... .The only thing I can be grateful of is the abuser is now gone and she is silent. I could possibly recover in time, but she will be tormented with this BPD regardless of whom she is with or where.

one thing she says that may be true here is her uncertainty about how/whether contact is good for either of you at the moment. healing must take place, whichever way this goes, and in order for that to happen, the bleeding must stop. theres a lot of hurt, a lot of damage, a lot of anger, on both sides.

obviously, you cant snap your fingers and have this occur, but i would try to reframe the situation in my mind as the opportunity for that to take place. obviously the circumstances would be better if you knew more about her whereabouts, but more than likely, she is utilizing the space, and attempting to take steps toward healing. the second you do so for yourself, is the second that youre on steadier ground, and the trajectory of healing.

what do you think?

[2020]

does she drink? do you know if she was drinking that night?

She has been drinking since I have known her. Her dad gave her alcohol when she was 10 whilst her mother battled cancer. She was her dad's drinking buddy. I can usually tell if she has been drinking, even through email. I am not overly getting the impression she had that night, but maybe the other drugs she is on are clouding it.

has this ever happened before? some days gone by without checking her emails?

I have never been able to check whether she clicks on her emails or not. It is only by chance that she has left herself signed in on my computer that I can see this. She has however ignored me for days before and not responded until I am a complete mess with worry.

I don't think I will drive up there to see her. She said she didn't want to have a birthday this year. I will leave it at that. I will send her an email wishing her happy birthday and tell her I am thinking of her and love her. What more can I do than that?

The 9th is a long way off! I hope I make it until then. This therapist told me to research DBT years ago but I wasn't sure why he suggested this. Recently both my partner and I saw him together. It was a good session. My partner liked him. Last time I saw him I asked my therapist about BPD and I said I was about 90% sure my partner had this disorder. He said that would be a fair assumption based on the five years of monthly therapy I have had with him and the conversations regarding this troubled relationship. I really need to see him urgently. I tried to get a doctor's appointment but they are closed for the holiday season. They open again Monday the 7th at 9am.

The worst part of this is her cutting me off like this. If she just told me she is very unwell and seeking treatment, I would reassure her and support her. It feels like she has made me her enemy and I am to blame for her 5 years of abuse.

All I can probably do is let the wheels of time work and do their thing. It can't be like it was. I am reading two years of heart wrenching emails to my sister about this. It has been deteriorating for a long time. Hopefully she will get herself help now and make herself better. It was never going to happen around me. And I somehow need to make myself better. I am so scared of the future. I am so hurt and sad; sad for both of us.

[Radcliff]

2020,

You thanked once removed for his wisdom but haven't responded to the fundamental issue that you're not taking responsibility for the things you can control and letting go of the things you can't.  I know this isn't easy.  From where you are starting, it may be a Herculean task.  But that is your task.  You need support.  At least three times a week, though I'd start with daily for a while.  There are Al-anon meetings every day of the week in your area, sometimes more than once a day.  Search "[your town] [your country] Al-anon meetings."

No, you shouldn't drive 250km to see her unless she has clearly communicated that she wants this.  If she wants you there but hasn't said it, you're rewarding her expectation that you take responsibility for her happiness.  If she doesn't want you there and you go, then she'll be rightfully upset.  Stay home.  If she make a plan with you, follow it.  It's what people do.  Do you see how this tracks to the issue of ownership?  What responsibilities she owns and what you own?

Let us know about the Al-anon meetings.  You need to do something differently.  You need regular in-person help.  Nobody is going to come get you.  You need to go to them if you want to change the pattern you're trapped in.

RC

[2020]

Thank you Radcliff, you are very kind.

I am not going to drive anywhere. I will send a simple Happy Birthday email to her and nothing more. I was discussing my history with my eldest son who has seen the drama over the 10 years and he is very supportive. He is pretty certain I will hear back from her for the simple reason that she always gets back to me when she stops the anger. But after telling my son the details about our past he said she'll be back but this cannot go on like it has.

Radcliff, I feel nurtured by your comments and concern, but we are all different in our own way. I was in NA for a while a long time ago, and without going into details because this is not the forum for such discussions, I found it to be very counterproductive for me. Some folk like it I know. Try everything! There is AVRT Rational Recovery and SMART too. I value your ongoing support. You comment has got me thinking... .I will be contacting another counsellor (addictions) who I met with daily in my first week of recovery 10 years ago now. He will be most concerned and pleased I have touched base BEFORE I pick up another 25 year habit! I am still stupid as I always have been, but I am not THAT stupid. Better to take precaution. In the meantime I will try and just breathe, eat and maybe get some sleep somehow. I will see the doctor next week and my therapist.

[2020]

... .I was just thinking. This was a topic about the silent treatment and the information is now here. It has meandered off track and onto my current predicament. Recently, small incidences of silence and rejection were something I got used to. I actually figured out that when she locks herself away from me, I would knock on the door once, maybe twice, but that was it. I would then use the next hour or two to do my own things. I actually told her once how I used to go mad with anxiety looking for her but now I view it differently- I see it as a mini holiday. Obviously she did not like that. My problem now is why I am finding it so difficult to view this current crisis as simply a larger order of the usual. If I could do that, I might be able to get some of my own things done. It is getting over that hump. If she would just say to me that she has had a major breakdown and needs some time to recover, that she will be in touch, and appreciates that I care, I could deal with it. I just don't know where this relationship is at. I see on this forum there are others in exactly the same boat.

[Bnonymous]

Hi 2020,

As Once Removed said, the "vampire" view isn't realistic or helpful, but... .I am wondering if you could try to deconstruct and examine it a little? It's clearly a metaphor and, as such, it tells us (and you) something about how you view and feel about the relationship.

People often use "vampires" in a cluster of metaphors that also includes things like "sucked dry". In those cases, what people are often trying to communicate is that they feel that they have spent all their emotional energy and resources on the person/relationship and are now feeling drained and depleted. Is that what you're feeling?

The first thing that comes to my mind when I hear someone call an intimate partner a "vampire" is that they might be in a codependent relationship. Codependents often sacrifice their own emotional needs to the relationship, which I can imagine might feel a bit like having had the other person drain your blood.

Maybe have a look at the article here on codependent relationships and see if you recognise any of this?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Regarding your last post, I think you're on the right track there, but are maybe veering off-course a little.

As you saw for yourself, it wasn't helpful to have told her that you viewed her withdrawal as "a mini-holiday" - she may have felt as though you didn't care that she was upset and withdrawing.

I think, when our pwBPD withdraw from us, it is important to do both 1/ showing them that we care and will be there to listen if/when they are ready to talk, and 2/ respect their privacy and space.

Once we've done (1), we can then let go a bit and recognise that we have a choice over how to fill the time while they're taking space. Many people fill that time with anxiously obsessing over the pwBPD and when they'll be back; this ultimately helps no one, as it takes a toll on the nons emotional health and tends to cause resentment at feeling so controlled by the pwBPD's withdrawal. If we can, instead, use that time for rest, self-care, and getting on with our own things, it can provide an opportunity for us to become re-energised and enjoy the freedom of independence, of recognising that we do not have to put our lives on hold and sit around and wait for the pwBPD to return. You've figured this out and have observed how that mental freedom helps you - that's great.

Maybe it might help to do a little work on the "showing them that we care and will be there to listen if/when they're ready to talk" bit?

[once removed]

The worst part of this is her cutting me off like this. If she just told me she is very unwell and seeking treatment, I would reassure her and support her. It feels like she has made me her enemy and I am to blame for her 5 years of abuse.

in a way, hasnt she told you this?

It can't be like it was. It has been deteriorating for a long time. Hopefully she will get herself help now and make herself better. It was never going to happen around me. And I somehow need to make myself better. I am so scared of the future. I am so hurt and sad; sad for both of us.

i think in a way, the two of you are pretty close to being on the same page about this. something had to give here.

fear of the unknown (her whereabouts, the status of your relationship) is scary... .terrifying. the mind will go to all kinds of places to soothe it and satiate it. part of coping with it has been venting/blaming her, for example.

shes probably feeling a lot of that too, for example, when she let you have it, painted you as a monster, banned you from her life. but both of you have been pretty quick to pull back from that. thats a good sign, and its also a sign of the kind of healing that needs to take place.

I see on this forum there are others in exactly the same boat.

i would really encourage you to help them stay centered, and to look at their options mindfully. it will help you more than you know, and keep you in problem solving mode.

[2020]

Thank you both.

I have managed to get six hours sleep and feel slightly rested. What is happening now is the reality of this situation is coming to the fore. She will never be back. She, the abandonment queen, has abandondoned her email address and abandoned us, and me. She has not checked it this year and I doubt she ever will. I cannot fathom why she would even bother checking her emails prior to New Year; why she would converse with me. She has simply vanished into the ether. Her sister who always answers her phone, now goes to messagebank and she will not reply.

Maybe it might help to do a little work on the "showing them that we care and will be there to listen if/when they're ready to talk" bit?

This will be very difficult when I have been cut off with no way to communicate. The only option I have is to drive up there and knock on the door or write a letter. I think it is now beyond this.

shes probably feeling a lot of that too, for example, when she let you have it, painted you as a monster, banned you from her life. but both of you have been pretty quick to pull back from that. thats a good sign, and its also a sign of the kind of healing that needs to take place.

It is a good sign in what way? That there will be some reconnection? Or that there is some respect between two humans but "see you later"?

Honestly, I am worn out and depressed. I am also hurt and angry at her for not communicating. I don't even know if I can go through the rejection of wishing her a happy birthday.

Thank you for your input but I am without hope now.

[2020]

I think, when our pwBPD withdraw from us, it is important to do both 1/ showing them that we care and will be there to listen if/when they are ready to talk, and 2/ respect their privacy and space.

The problem here is, I don't know how big this space is. It may be forever. It is certainly looking that way. I have not actually been told directly that it is 'all over'. It would be better if I had. It is the limbo Bnonymous which is holding me in this anxious state of confusion. As my Aunty said in an email to me yesterday: "She has not thrown the relationship down the pan. She is mentally ill and not thinking straight and therefore anything she says or does is because she is mentally ill, not because she has rationally decided to be a grade A  . Mental illness has taken her away, she has not gone because she sanely decided to go, she does not know what the hell she is doing. Either she will get help or she won't but either way you have to find a way to carry on."

I am pretty much out of options now. I could leave a letter up at the warehouse which she will be vacating sometime in the next two to three weeks, or I could write a letter and send it to her sister's address. It is not looking good from this end. I thought things might have been on the mend NYE; thought the tide might be turning. It may have been an autopsy rather than a biopsy afterall... .

[Cailin]

2020,
Do you think that part of the problem might be that, before the silent treatment, she had shown some signs of being able to address her part in the conflict and acted as if she understood that she had a part to play. She gave you some hope, then vanished, is that right? Are you familiar with the different types of BPD? She seems rather “waif like” at the moment, weak, vulnerable and in need of being rescued. Doesn’t that presentation also “draw you in” as well? So, you have some glimpse of hope, then are subjected to terror for her safety. Really, it’s the ultimate in “mind games”. You are so susceptible to guilt and shame that she just gives you a little boost of dopamine to get you interested then lowers the boom! She may or may not be doing it “on purpose” but who cares, the effect on you is the same. Your poor brain will not let you rest, trying to get you to intervene even though she appears to not want you to. I don’t know what’s going on with her, God protect her, but there’s plenty going on with you! I’ve been there too, for years, obsessing over his incredible malevolence ( he meant to harm me in several instances, that’s why it’s malevolence). You have got to seek a place of meaning, between chaos and order. You have been thrown into chaos because you can’t make sense of what has happened.
Keep talking and writing, it helps you think.

[2020]

Cailin, I so very much appreciate your kindness. I am not in a good place today. I feel angry and hurt. I am never an angry person. I am so calm and patient with people.

I do not know of the BPD types. She was very rude to me in her exchanges on the 30th of December:

"yes, you were aIways to busy to have anything to do with me. what your preferred f____ has come to stay has she? Screw your emaiI. go and enjoy your reaI family and significant others."

"Enjoy your Iife with your family. Do not send me anymore BS sorry emaiIs. Thank you."

Then the next day the conversation was civil and somewhat nice:

"I would have loved to have shared the new year with you.
We have supposedly been in relationship for five years and i have never had such an offer from you,
In fact, I wanted to share my life with you, new, old or being conceived.
But you had other plans it seems

so you ask why funny?
it is new year right now.
You are not near me, i not near you. we do not even know where each other are or who we are with, if anyone,
It makes me so sad and is such a disappointment.
what more can i say"

"I just want to apologise for the violence i have perpetuated toward you, I never wanted that to be something that happened .
I am genuinely sorry, it is very shameful
I hope some day day you shall forgive me for my horrible, intrusive behaviour.

Thank you for talking to me
And i do care about you deeply, despite what appears by my behaviour.
You deserve love from someone who is nurturing and supportive"

"It is just a real shame it crushed and destroyed us.
 I know deep in my heart I loved you and just wanted us to have a chance to be together.
Goodnight to you and be kind to yourself and those you cross in your paths"

"the presents or things were trivial really, it was the behaviour and treatment toward each other that hurt the deepest.

Maybe someday we can connect, I do not know what is good for either of us at present in regard to contact.

Anyway it is half past two in the morning and i just want to take my Diazepam and enter a deep sleep now.
Thank you for your time and words."


... .and since then, NOTHING. She is not even checking her emails. I sent 3 short happy new year silly ones on the 1st of January but have not sent anything since. It is just too painful. She hasn't ended anything with me. I have been left hanging in limbo, a zombie, the living dead.

[Radcliff]

2020, I'm sorry you're in such a painful spot.  I know it seems like an eternity, but it's "only" been a few days.  Even in non-BPD relationships people sometimes need more space than that.  Unfortunately, she's not able to communicate consistently with you about her space needs.  But she is doing it with actions.  It may truly feel like the end to you, but I'd bet a fair bit of money that you'll hear from her again.  It will be better for her, you, and the relationship if you can get yourself to that place you described of feeling like you are on a mini-vacation from her.  I know it's hard, and I'm sorry for that.

I'd hold off on sending her any more messages for a bit.  She may feel crowded.

RC

[Bnonymous]

Hi 2020,

My last post wasn't clear enough - I do apologise for that. I didn't mean work on it by contacting her now. I meant work on how you will approach it on future occasions. I agree with Radcliff that she is likely to come back. I was replying to this bit of your post:

  I actually figured out that when she locks herself away from me, I would knock on the door once, maybe twice, but that was it. I would then use the next hour or two to do my own things. I actually told her once how I used to go mad with anxiety looking for her but now I view it differently- I see it as a mini holiday. Obviously she did not like that.

I thought the "mini-holiday" approach was good but that it was let down by telling her you'd seen her withdrawal in that way. I was talking about your approach to these smaller withdrawals. What I meant is that you're doing great with the second step, but that you maybe need to work on the first step. It's about getting the balance right between showing that you care and not letting yourself be consumed by it. If, on other occasions, you respond by saying something to her along the lines of "I respect your need for space, but I care and I'll listen when you're ready to talk" and then go off and have your mini-holiday, that's a good approach.

Don't then undo that good work later by telling her that you viewed her withdrawal as a holiday. The key is in staying busy and calm, but then keeping that calm when she comes out of her retreat. You don't want her to use withdrawal as a punishment or control tool and so you don't want to reward it with begging and chasing and showing upset. But nor do you want her to feel that you don't care that she's been upset and that you've just enjoyed getting a break from her. The middle ground is to show that you care enough to respect her space and not make it about you. So you tell her you're there for her, then you go off and do your own thing, then, when she's ready to connect again, you welcome her and listen to her with empathy and caring.

Have you heard of the old "carrot and stick" approach to reinforcement? Positive and negative reinforcement? Well, the ideal is to drop the stick altogether and make this all carrot, focus on positive reinforcement alone. The aim is to balance it so that she receives neither reward nor punishment for taking space; it is simply treated with respect and acceptance and a loving detachment. Then she receives rewards (in the form of closeness and caring) for coming back; she finds that, when she returns, she is greeted with empathy, a caring ear, and no recriminations for having retreated. If you take this approach, you are likely to see a reduction in both the frequency and duration of her retreats.

The point of the mini-holiday approach is to have respect for both of you as separate people with their own needs. You don't require her to caretake your needs during these times because you have learned to do it yourself. That gives her the freedom to take care of her needs for space. That way any anxiety or resentment on either side is lessened considerably.

When you tell her you had a mini-vacation, it undermines much of that positivity. Rather than sending her a message that her needs are about her and yours are about you, and that you can trust each other to take care of your own respective needs while the other is taking space, it, instead, tells her that her need for space was all about you and how much you enjoyed a chance to get away from her. Do you see what I mean?

[Cailin]

Quote:
Have you heard of the old "carrot and stick" approach to reinforcement? Positive and negative reinforcement? Well, the ideal is to drop the stick altogether and make this all carrot, focus on positive reinforcement alone. The aim is to balance it so that she receives neither reward nor punishment for taking space; it is simply treated with respect and acceptance and a loving detachment. Then she receives rewards (in the form of closeness and caring) for coming back; she finds that, when she returns, she is greeted with empathy, a caring ear, and no recriminations for having retreated. If you take this approach, you are likely to see a reduction in both the frequency and duration of her retreats.

I still don’t know how to put quotes in little boxes like I should!
Even though I agree with this strategy and have seen it work, it is incredibly hard to do because it’s so counterintuitive to how people use feedback to regulate themselves in the world and fit into groups. Our natural response to misbehavior is to punish it because that is how we have learned to fit in. Unfortunately, it seems like people with BPD see such “social corrections” as threatening and respond by deflection, self defense and attacking. Since they are sensitive about everything, they can’t be called out on anything because it’s threatening.
I think it’s good that you feel angry and why shouldn’t you? Carl Jung said that we can never respect ourselves if we don’t understand and embrace our “dark side” and stop seeing ourselves as harmless.
Are you paying attention to your dreams? Last night I dreamed that PETA was camped on my doorstep protesting our alleged mistreatment of our cattle. In my dream, my 2 younger sons had posted a picture of a cow with something like an ax in its head, fictitious as the day is long. So instead of “fact checking”, PETA organizers took it as truth and targeted us as abusive towards our animals and organized about 12 people with signs and chants and horrific allegations. I went out side and tried to reason with them but they turned on me and raged so I fought them back by yelling and throwing their stuff into the street and pouring water on their heads, all the while trying to keep it as civil as possible, knowing that if I went to far in my anger, I would be arrested, which is what they wanted.
How’s that for an allegory for my life with my hwBPD!

[2020]

Thanks for sticking with me here Radcliff and Bnonymous.

Tonight after a panic attack at a supermarket earlier, I feel some calm. I dropped my son at the bus stop to make the 250km journey to his mother. First time in at least a year. I am grateful for the break of one week. I had a flick through the "I hate you don't leave me" book. I have been thinking of all the drama I have endured. I had a read through my earlier posts on this forum. I could help my son pack his bag and take him to the bus, without some major BPD alcoholocaust afterwards. I was even able to get out the sewing machine and repair the loose zip on my son's bag.

My eldest son thinks, "there is a 100% chance I will be hearing from her... .unfortunately". I am just too in the thick of things to get the birds eye view. I am starting to feel a sense of relief that her sister is dealing with her now, for a while. She has run off to her sister several times since I have met her. It is usually after a major crisis involving the Mental Health Unit. Within three months she is wanting to tell me all about it, to pick her up because of XYZ... .blah blah and she has a falling out with her sister. To be honest, when she does contact me, it will be under the influence of alcohol, for sure.

But like my sister said today, "I agree that any diagnosis of ______ will be complicated. But it isn't your job to worry about whether she is getting the right diagnosis. What can you do? She currently isn't in touch with you and you can't ring every psychiatrist to tell them it is BPD. You have made it 100% clear to ______ that you want to see her or talk to her. Ask yourself if _______ is frantically on forums trying to save you, desperately ringing your boys and begging to see you? Very one sided."

Bnonymous, the mini holiday/vacation was a good idea. It represented a shift in my reaction to her silent treatment/vanishing. I should not have told her what I was up to though. That was a mistake in the heat of the moment. Thank you for your comment.

Radcliff, I think I may be having moments where the trauma is subsiding, just for a moment. She has done this before. This would have to be her biggest melt down, although I was not in her World at the time of her 2013 crisis. We hooked up as a couple after that... .when she was at her sister... .before she painted her black and adopted me as her 'caretaker'.

I may send a very short Happy Birthday message tomorrow. Uncertain if this is even the right thing to do. Am I just hoping to stay in her good books by doing this, incase she checks her emails? I will NOT be driving up there.
I will sleep on this (hopefully) and make a decision in the morning... .

Thank you!

[2020]

Yes Cailin, dreams can be pretty interesting. My partner is a huge Jung 'fan'. It is funny how these dysfunctional people have an interest in psychoanalysis! (Not saying you are dysfunctional here!) If only some of it would sink in. Maybe it has. I tend to view dreams as just a bunch of random thoughts just swirling around. My partner disagrees. She thinks they are telling us stuff. I am an atheist and believe nothing . If I were an art movement, I'd be DaDa! My partner, seven years younger than me is more Surrealist. Hopefully she will find her way back through all of those melting watches and flying lips!

[Harri]

This thread has exceeded the post limit and has been locked.  Please feel free to start a new thread.