BPD DIL blames me for everything

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I am new to this site, but I have been doing a great deal of reading on BPD. I believe my dil has BPD; she is married to my older son and has been for almost five years. They have two children. Over the course of knowing her, she has had a number of outbursts that border on rages. She has thrown boxes down the stairs, stormed out without saying Goodbye, and berated my son while I am in the other room. Inevitably, she blames me for everything: I am not grateful for all she does, I don’t thank her for anything; she does things then says I did them. I can’t understand how my son can defend her. Everyone in my family as well as my friends see her behavior as troubling. She isolates my son from his brothers, us and many of his friends. My son told me in October we couldn’t have contact until after the New Year. My son and I were extremely close, but now it’s as if he thinks I am responsible for the drama she has created. I am at a loss.

[mcgrammar]

I am new to this site, but I have been doing a great deal of reading on BPD. I believe my dil has BPD; she is married to my older son and has been for almost five years. They have two children. Over the course of knowing her, she has had a number of outbursts that border on rages. She has thrown boxes down the stairs, stormed out without saying Goodbye, and berated my son while I am in the other room. Inevitably, she blames me for everything: I am not grateful for all she does, I don’t thank her for anything; she does things then says I did them. I can’t understand how my son can defend her. Everyone in my family as well as my friends see her behavior as troubling. She isolates my son from his brothers, us and many of his friends. My son told me in October we couldn’t have contact until after the New Year. My son and I were extremely close, but now it’s as if he thinks I am responsible for the drama she has created. I am at a loss.

[Harri]

Hello and welcome to the board.  Though I am sorry for what brings you here I am glad you found us.  We have many people posting here who are dealing with a family member with BPD or BPD traits including in-laws. 

My son told me in October we couldn’t have contact until after the New Year. My son and I were extremely close, but now it’s as if he thinks I am responsible for the drama she has created. I am at a loss.

This is quite upsetting I'm sure.  Has he resumed contact since?  Can you relate his 'taking a break' to a particular event? 

I am glad you posted and reached out for support.  I hope you settle in and read and jump into other threads as we all help each other here.

[mcgrammar]

There have been three FaceTime contacts, but generally his wife is looming in the background. It has been uncomfortable. I have always respected their wishes though the DIL says I have not. I don’t understand her punishments. Cut off from viewing any pictures of grandkids online though she allows my friends to see. Stop sending any photos at all. I asked once and that was that. I work each and every day to just move forward and maintain a positive outlook but it is quite difficult.

[Kwamina]

Hi mcgrammar

I would like to join Harri in welcoming you to our online community

I am sorry though that the situation with your son and his wife is so difficult at the moment. It can be very though when you are all of the sudden confronted with what appears to be a BPD person in the family.

Your son and DIL have been married for almost five years now. You mention her outbursts bordering on rages. Did she behave like this from the very start of the marriage or did things gradually get worse?

How did your DIL behave before she got married to your son? How long did your son know her before they got married?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[mcgrammar]

Hello,

Thanks for responding. I did see her rages before they were married as well as unreasonable demands of loyalty etc. shortly before the marriage, my son told his brother he saw red flags. That seemed a telling statement. It can be very frustrating to be “punished” when I feel I have done nothing to deserve such treatment. I worry that my son is left to put out fires too often.

I do my best to watch every word I say. But no matter, I am accused of not loving her, not being grateful, not being thankful enough and the list continues. My DIL doesn’t seem to have any friends even though she has lived in the same town for almost four years. That also worries me as she depends on my son for all her needs.

Those in my family have reassured me that I am not doing anything wrong and they also see her behavior as volatile. I just keep patiently waiting and hoping that somehow something will change.

[Kwamina]

Hi again,

shortly before the marriage, my son told his brother he saw red flags. That seemed a telling statement.

That's a telling statement indeed. Did your son also elaborate on what the exact red flags were that he saw?

Do you perhaps feel like your son is letting himself be controlled by his wife out of fear, obligation and/or guilt (FOG)?

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG") are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

You can read more here: Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Is this the first time you feel like your son is letting himself be controlled like this by someone else? Has he ever behaved like this before in any other relationship or friendship?

[mcgrammar]

The red flags were due to her unreasonable response to wedding plans. She threatened to pack up and go somewhere if he didn’t do what was asked. He never dated anyone like  his current wife. She often uses her looks to manipulate others and sometimes talks in baby talk which seems so immature for a woman who is intelligent and accomplished. So perplexing.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry you are experiencing this. I began to read ( and reply to) this type of scenario to try to understand my ( now deceased father).  Sadly, they seem to be textbook scenarios- with BPD wife triangulating with other women who love their husbands (mothers, sisters, daughters).  In an emotionally healthy romantic relationship, a female partner can understand that her husband or boyfriend can love her, and his mother, and his sisters, aunts, daughters- and it doesn't diminish the love he has for her. Romantic love is different and it is unique to the partner.

Not with my BPD mother, who seemed to perceive me more as a rival than a daughter to my father. She didn't want him giving  his time, his resources, or his attention and affection to me. After he passed away, I learned from his family that they hardly saw us kids when we were little. I also learned that my father's mother disliked my mother from the get go. It was mutual - my mother didn't like my father's family and they didn't like her.

I hope you will search the posts to read other's stories. I think ultimately, the solution has been to accept that your son is in a difficult situation. My BPD mother sees people as being on her side or not her side. She's put my father in a tough situation- to choose his marriage ( her) or someone else. I thought it was a personal situation with me, but when I learned he did it with his own mother, I was horrified. She was a good mother who loved him. I know that. I never imagined he'd also do this to me, alienate me to please her, but he did.

My mother is elderly but she was a stunning young woman. She talks in a baby voice too. I think she made my father feel like a hero. I hope you will read the Karpman triangle to learn about this dynamics. It isn't just your DIL but your son's drive to be her rescuer that bonds them.

To have a triangle, there needs to be a persecutor. It's convenient to put you in that role. I don't for a moment believe your son even believes what she says about you, but the role of rescuer is so inviting to him that he is willing to give up his own thinking and join her in hers. He's also scared. If he has children, he's trying to keep his family intact and lessen the friction at home.

Read, learn all you can about these dynamics. Keep the door open with your son, but IMHO keep your mouth shut about your DIL. Consider them as one person- anything you say, send, e mail, - will be shared with her.

The outcome is not known. In my family, my mother was glad to send us to stay with my father's family, especially when we were older and school was out. Little children are cute and compliant, teens- not so much. We became very close to my father's family and are estranged from my mother's side. Learn all you can to manage this- and your own feelings.



I

[mcgrammar]

Thank you for your thoughtful and empathetic response. I can say I never talk negatively to my son about his wife. Never. I have said I don’t understand what is happening but never do I cross any line regarding his wife. Indeed, she sees me as a threat and I knew that early on. I was married to a man with a mental disorder and my older son felt he had to protect me; I feel he is repeating this behavior and I feel terrible about it. And yes—I know he is protecting his own family.

I have recently read two books on BPD which have helped me greatly. I will continue to read more in order to fortify myself.
When you spoke of your own experiences I very much saw similarities in the situation with which I am dealing. It is tough to see my son trying to juggle so much. Thank you again for your input and suggestions.

[Notwendy]

Yes, it is tough. I know several of us posters here are struggling with the results of being raised with a BPD parent. It wasn't easy. It was in ways, harder to see what my father went through when he was older. I guess, we do reverse roles somewhat when our parents are elderly and it becomes our turn to be concerned for their well being. It was hard to watch my elderly father deal with her.

Before I understood the dynamics of these types of relationships, I naively jumped in to rescue him. I became the Persecutor in their drama triangle and he jumped in to rescue her- and turned on me.

I think it's wise to not try to do that, even though I know it is hard to witness. I think it's good that you haven't said anything that would be negative about her. Yet for someone with BPD- feelings are facts to them. You don't have to say anything for her to feel threatened by you. Your son knows better, he just can't reconcile two realities: reality and what feels real to her and keep the peace. It helps to not take it personally, but it really isn't about you.

Take care of yourself. Leave the door open for him to have a relationship with you. Sadly, the rest is up to him.

[cClearly]

There have been three FaceTime contacts, but generally his wife is looming in the background. It has been uncomfortable. I have always respected their wishes though the DIL says I have not. I don’t understand her punishments. Cut off from viewing any pictures of grandkids online though she allows my friends to see. Stop sending any photos at all. I asked once and that was that. I work each and every day to just move forward and maintain a positive outlook but it is quite difficult.

I will just ask... .  Have you shared photos online when she asked you not to?

[mcgrammar]

No, I wouldn’t do that. In fact, she is particular about what she puts up online. Generally, she likes to “stage” the shots she takes—matching clothes of family etc. so she likes to have control of what everything looks like before it goes up. She  likes photography—and does a good job. She will always tell me if she doesn’t want something posted. I respect anyone’s privacy in that regard.