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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
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Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: *Bewildered. How do I avoid such contradictions?  (Read 400 times)
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« Reply #30 on: January 11, 2019, 03:17:23 PM »

what do you want to do? do you want to reconcile the relationship?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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This is a high level discussion board for discussing effective actions for solving ongoing and day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems.
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« Reply #31 on: January 11, 2019, 03:31:02 PM »

what do you want to do? do you want to reconcile the relationship?
My head says I should not and my heart says I should. With her being a neighbour, it is so difficult to see her and be on a superficial level. On balance, I think I should give it one more shot.
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« Reply #32 on: January 11, 2019, 11:08:17 PM »

She phoned tonight and was quite OK. I now think that I'm going to try and bring the relationship back on. She is resigned to the opinion that it's all over and at least wants to remain friends. I feel that this is the woman that I love more than any partner in the past. If there is a way to steer things back on track, I will endeavour to do that. Now that I have figured out what her condition is, and having read here some ways of dealing with it, and dealing with myself, it might make a difference. I know it won't be easy, as she will never seek therapy, but she might not find anyone who will stand by her and feel more and more abandoned.
She might never want me as a partner again, but I can make an effort to bring things back.
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« Reply #33 on: January 11, 2019, 11:09:23 PM »

what do you intend to do next?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #34 on: January 11, 2019, 11:16:11 PM »

what do you intend to do next?

Go along with just being friends and neighbours to start with. Hopefully she will be able to talk to me about her feelings and trust me again at whatever level she can manage. I am expecting some times when she will drink or just become lonely enough to spill out some feelings. Some difficult times. If I can keep myself on track, things might improve.
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« Reply #35 on: January 11, 2019, 11:27:52 PM »

that seems reasonable. its hard to repair things if the bridge is burned.

she could also change her mind. shes done this before, right? its fairly early yet.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #36 on: January 11, 2019, 11:47:38 PM »



she could also change her mind. shes done this before, right? its fairly early yet.

She has not been so resolute before, but yes. She has done this before and changed her mind.
I think I will have to be more confident and not always there to make sure she doesn't fall. To let her fall, but help her up again. Does that make sense, or am I on the wrong track?
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« Reply #37 on: January 11, 2019, 11:55:45 PM »

i think it makes a lot of sense. confidence is attractive and sexy.

were you not before?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #38 on: January 12, 2019, 12:00:37 AM »


were you not before?

Yes, initially. However, her behaviour drained a lot of it away. There was obviously something wrong, but I couldn't work out what it was, and had no knowledge of how to deal with it. The eggshells began to accumulate.
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« Reply #39 on: January 13, 2019, 01:01:48 AM »

It seems to be going as predicted. She texted in the morning, both to wish my daughter a happy birthday and to thank me for some wood I bought and cut for her to make 'fairy houses' (they are amazing).
I left some birthday cake on her doorstep and texted her that it was there. Later, she phoned and was very nice, but felt she was looking for something to argue, if there was a way. I was careful in any response and there was no argument. She had done nothing but watch movies all day, which is unusual for her. She does like to keep active. We wished each other good night and that felt good.
I think she is realising how lonely this is making her feel. It certainly is making me feel lonely. When I drop my daughter off after our weekend contact, it always is a moment of sadness. This weekend it was extra sad.
I have to remain calm and patient. Not rise to any digs in her conversation. I miss physical contact greatly. I'm hoping that she does too.
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« Reply #40 on: January 13, 2019, 06:49:45 PM »

Staff only

This thread has been locked as it reached the post limit.  A new thread has been started here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333177.0
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     everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. ~ Viktor Frankl
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for discussing effective actions for solving ongoing and day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems.
This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this  group by (clicking here).
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