Some of you went for years +marriage ..how?

[Shawnlam]

As I’ve been reading endless stories here I realize many of you survivors lasted years in the relationship! I know the next few questions may not be answerable but how in gods name did you last so long “I mean for your sanity”? Or were the BPD symptoms less at the beginning? My ex GF stage 1 love bombing lasted 3 months before the red flags .I won’t lie marriage /kid / moving in was all discussed but never moved forward.I know these questions may sound stupid but?
Do you think my BPDex knew I was catching on to herbtactics early ? So she sabotaged quickly?

Do you think she saw me as too complicated to keep because I analyze too much?

Did she only come back to me the first time because she was pregnant?and needed help? Even though she asked me if I wanted it?

Am I not even worthy of a BPD relationship even though my other relationships lasted many years and were healthy?

Why do I feel like an idiot that she hasn’t contacted me yet even though I left her a 2nd time? I feel stupid for feeling like this it’s my fault it ended because I couldn’t take her disrespect.

How did you guys/girls last years in this torment of them disrespecting you? Playing weird games? Or did you get lucky and you got years of the love bombing mirroring stage? ( yes in a sick way I’m jealous ,I only got 3 months)!

And did any of you feel something was off since the beginning? I know my family and friends told me the first three months i drank a lot which isn’t me like I somehow knew?

[Shawnlam]

I’ll have to add also , am I a bad personality for not having lasted so long with her? Am I a failure in a way because I couldn’t take the lack of respect? Am I selfish?

My friends and family tell me shawn your strong you figured it out and left before too much time was wasted ? Yet I feel weak and when reading all your stories YOU are all WAY stronger to have lasted so long! Even though the end results are the same I envy you all for having had the pleasure (in a disturbing way) to have kept your partners much much longer and got more of the love feeling than I ?  Man I need therapy I’m totally screwed up here

[Teedot]

Good question.  I have often wondered how long the love bombing has lasted with others.  My ex bf was a people pleaser (with me and his boss) and even after 2 + years (one break up) was still cooking, cleaning, buying gifts, planning trips etc.  His marriage lasted about 10 years and he was the one to up and leave and his ex still wanted him around.  Of course the signs are there, but he didn't rage a lot.  I often wonder if the quiet borderlines love bomb longer and are able to "love" longer because they rage silently (until the don't)...

[randomuser94]

I can't talk for the others so I'll tell you why i lasted for almost 3 years:
1. I became co-depended. I got isolated from all my friends and family without noticing the manipulation she had over me. I had no place to go or start over. I was forced to crawl back to her and beg her to take me back and I took the blame for every break-up.
2. I wasn't raised by my parents. I had no real relationship until her. I opened up to her, she loved bombed me and I lost control of my emotions. My feelings controlled me and I was desperate for her love and attention.
3. I wasn't aware of the manipulation she was doing. She slowly started to make me fell inferior, that I would never have another woman like her. In my mind she was my queen and i was her peasant. Losing her meant losing everything and I couldn't let this happen. She convinced me that I'm to blame when she broke-up with me. I trusted her with all my heart, so I believed her. I've accepted that it was my fault and just begged for forgiveness. Usually once a month she would start a break-up from something like "you came home 5min late" and transformed it into "me cheating on her/not caring about her anymore". She would always use the tactic where she starts crying and telling me how much she loves me and that she's afraid that I will leave her to make me feel guilty over those things right after 20min of insulting and screaming.

I had to realize all those fears, where they come from and why I have them. I had to face them. My brain got control once more over my feelings and I just ran. Now I see clearly how she used me, why she did it and how toxic this relationship was for me, but back then it was my oxygen,my water, my everything. I was ready to die for her.

[Heartachex2]

Shawn,
I can tell you that my marriage to my ex-wife lasted as long as it did because of
1. I got her pregnant and she told me that either I married her or she was going to give the kid up for adoption. I was 20, didn't know any better so I married her.
2. I stayed married to her for the sake of the kid.
3. It wasn't until I went through therapy that I realized that it was unhealthy to be in a relationship where both partners were unhappy and also you can't really have a relationship with a diagnosed BPD-NPD unless they get the therapy needed to get better. The straw that broke the camels back was when she cheated on me and we sought marriage counseling (where she was diagnosed)

As for my ex-gf
1. I saw red flags (as in lack of financial security, her unnaturally close bond with her son, the fact that she was 39 with a job that paid 90k/yr and still lived with her parents) and was non-committal to her for 6 months. She wanted a commitment after date 2, but I didn't commit. She love bombed the heck out of me until I finally gave in and committed at month 6. After that I wouldn't commit to forever like she wanted until month 9. Until then she was on her best behavior.
2. I saw signs of behavior that raised red flags but pushed it aside because of the way she treated me. I just remembered the bad parts of my relationship with my ex-wife and didn't remember how she too had love bombed me to get me in a relationship with her.
3. The minute I recognized that my ex-gf might be borderline I told her either she get therapy or I was out. She told me that she wanted to work on it and would get therapy. Two months in and our relationship got worse and she never got therapy so I gave her the ultimatum, she resisted and said that she felt like I was telling her she was broken and needed to be fixed. I finally left.

Don't miss my ex-wife and when I see her I don't feel a darn thing. I have primary custody of our daughter.
As for the ex-gf, still miss her like crazy but I logically know that she wasn't healthy for me. Still miss the good times since they were still so fresh and I didn't leave years after the good times deteriorated, so those good times are still fresh in my head. With my ex-wife the good times deteriorated 10 years before I left so I don't have a recollection of those. It was much easier to walk away from my ex-wife.

[Shawnlam]

Wow , I guess then I dodged a bullet from what I’m reading.Thank you very much for sharing these stories make me feel better it removes the “what if” feelings I get almost hourly... .like what if she changed and got therapy,what if I tried harder etc.

[PianoDood]

As I’ve been reading endless stories here I realize many of you survivors lasted years in the relationship! I know the next few questions may not be answerable but how in gods name did you last so long “I mean for your sanity”? Or were the BPD symptoms less at the beginning? My ex GF stage 1 love bombing lasted 3 months before the red flags .I won’t lie marriage /kid / moving in was all discussed but never moved forward.I know these questions may sound stupid but?
Do you think my BPDex knew I was catching on to herbtactics early ? So she sabotaged quickly?

Do you think she saw me as too complicated to keep because I analyze too much?

Did she only come back to me the first time because she was pregnant?and needed help? Even though she asked me if I wanted it?

Am I not even worthy of a BPD relationship even though my other relationships lasted many years and were healthy?

Why do I feel like an idiot that she hasn’t contacted me yet even though I left her a 2nd time? I feel stupid for feeling like this it’s my fault it ended because I couldn’t take her disrespect.

How did you guys/girls last years in this torment of them disrespecting you? Playing weird games? Or did you get lucky and you got years of the love bombing mirroring stage? ( yes in a sick way I’m jealous ,I only got 3 months)!

And did any of you feel something was off since the beginning? I know my family and friends told me the first three months i drank a lot which isn’t me like I somehow knew?

ShawnIAm,
There are... .oh, my goodness... .NOT stupid questions.  The questions actually dig a little deeper into specific aspects of how pwBPD interact in a romantic relationship.  Again, I can only speak from my own perspective and I am not a trained psychologist.  But these are my conclusions and responses to your questions... .

If you've read my previous posts, you know that I also am a very analytical person.  But, on the left-brained side, I'm also pretty highly empathetic.  That combination used to cause friction with my uBPD wife.  How?  Because I was not only sensitive to her moods (which was actually BAD for me because she was emotionally dis-regulated), but I could read between the lines, saw through facades readily, had a 6th sense about manipulative tactics and deception, etc.  And, being raise in a family where issues were talked about, resolved and healed (for the most part) in an open and respectful way, I was not shy about confronting or, so to speak, calling "bull****" when something smelled fishy.  As my father used to tell me, "Son, if it looks like a rose, smells like a rose, don't let them tell you it's a carnation."  

Your post: "As I’ve been reading endless stories here I realize many of you survivors lasted years in the relationship! I know the next few questions may not be answerable but how in gods name did you last so long “I mean for your sanity”? Or were the BPD symptoms less at the beginning?"

I lasted with my wife for 12 1/2 years before this last discard that finally broke the camel's back for me.  How did I last that long and stay sane?  I honestly don't think I did.  The very reason I decided I couldn't take it anymore and break free came down to one thing only for me... .self-preservation.  My relationship with her influenced me to act and speak out of character.  My therapist literally told me that I had developed PTSD symptoms and anxiety because I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  No matter how good things were, no matter how stable things became for short periods, I ALWAYS knew that it was just a matter of time before something in her life circumstances, her relationship with her children and family or something I unknowingly did (could be something VERY LOVING I did) would trigger her and I her devaluation and discard cycle would repeat.  I've served in a combat situation before, so I don't want anyone reading this to think that I'm making light of how combat affects the mind and emotions of people who serve, but it's similar to being in a combat zone.  You don't know when chaos will erupt, but you live in a constant state of anticipation of that chaos.  You know your life will be threatened, you just don't know exactly how or when.  Thus, the anxiety.  I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, it was a constant state of pins and needles, sprinkled with seeds of love, comfort and hope (most of the hope was me hoping her words were true and that she would eventually see how her disorder affected me and our relationship).  The short answer that always pops out of my mouth, even when I tried to explain to my therapist how and why I stayed in such a situation for so long is this:  I genuinely loved her.  But, I also was trying to fix her.  And I know that sounds selfish and, to some extent, there was a selfish aspect of my desire to "fix" her.  But, truthfully, because I loved her, I desired for her to be healthy for HERSELF.  I saw this wonderful, beautiful person with so much potential in her and it broke my heart to see how she self-destructed and sabotaged her own life with her choices and behavior.  So, there was honestly a very loving and altruistic desire beneath my desire to "rescue" and "fix" her.  Why?  Because I did genuinely love her.  And, just to be clear, staying in a relationship that long takes two people to do it.  She stayed as well.  She discarded and recycled more times that I can count... .I could probably think about it chronologically and count them all, but that would only serve to make me feel like a moron for ever exposing myself to that kind of abuse for so long.  It's bewildering to me as well.  What's really strange is... .during a 6 month discard by my wife (girlfriend at the time) I actually started dating someone else.  But, after a short period of time, I started to see behavior in that new person that was unacceptable to me, so I ended the relationship and never looked back.  So, I know I am capable of making choices regarding boundaries and things that are and are not acceptable to me in regard to continuing a relationship.  I'm not afraid to be alone.  That's how I learned to cook so well.  :D.  But, with my wife?  All bets were always off.  It was as if I was enchanted by her.  She was very adept and getting very close very quickly and lowering my defenses to learn my insecurities.  And she was equally adept and using those insecurities and my willingness to be vulnerable for the sake of creating a loving bond against me in an effort to control.  In my wife's case (and as I've read, is the case with many people with BPD), this desire to control wasn't meant necessarily as an overtly offensive act.  It was a DEFENSE mechanism to protect herself.  Because once she got that close, she would then push away and withdraw emotionally.  So, there are many facets to the answer to that question.  I loved her genuinely.  But, the "rescuer" in me wanted to see her happy and healthy, so I desired to "help" or "fix" her.  But, she didn't want to be fixed.  As a matter of fact, even though she openly admitted many times that she was probably borderline, the thought of addressing it terrified her... .it was threatening to her false self she portrayed.  And, as you can imagine, being in a committed relationship, you can't help but TRULY KNOW someone.  Therefore, being in a committed relationship with me was very threatening to my wife.  Any time I set a firm boundary, she no longer felt "safe" because my boundary was exposing her behavior.  :)oes that make sense?  And, along with loving her genuinely and wanting to help her so that she could personally feel genuinely happy and healthy with her life, her behavior had severe impact on me, which threw me off balance.  I became, in some ways, unable to function in a healthy manner myself in the relationship because I was so enmeshed with her emotionally.  Her issues became my issues (more than is healthy).  I felt her emotions.  I cared about her in ways that, sometimes, she didn't even care about herself.  That's enmeshment to the max.  I lost myself and became and extension of her through the dynamics in the relationship and the constant push/pull and anxiety over another devaluation/discard.  I don't know if that answers the why and how of the 12 years I endured, but it's the best I've got.  LOL.

Your post: ":)o you think my BPDex knew I was catching on to herbtactics early ? So she sabotaged quickly?"

This could be part of it.  My wife reacted very negatively when I set boundaries.  When discussing the issues in our relationship during her final recycle last year, specifically my perspective on her behavior, I explained to her why I had to set firm boundaries with her on certain things because of the things she did, she looked at me and said, "How's that working out for you?"  It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to understand exactly what she meant.  Call me on my behavior and threaten me with taking responsibility for it and I will bail out on you.  My wife knew that I was anxious about her discards.  And she used it against me regularly.  Threatening to leave in veiled ways or literally saying it directly in an effort to get me to back off my boundaries and stop threatening her sense of self by trying to be healthy in our relationship with healthy boundaries.  So, yes, that very well may be part of it.  Nothing triggered my uBPD wife's guttural, knee-jerk need to run and avoid like logically backing her into a corner of taking responsibility.  And yes, she sabotaged many times.  She would slam me for not "providing" for her, yet, when I would lay out all expenses to get us a place to be under the same roof without any investment from her side, she would sabotage it and discard.  

":)o you think she saw me as too complicated to keep because I analyze too much?"

I'm not sure that it's because she found you complicated.  But, the fact that you analyze things can be threatening.  My wife used to frequently tell me that I overthought things, especially when it came to things related to her behavior.  It's not because I was off the mark, mind you.  I was spot on with the analysis and she found it threatening.

Your post: ":)id she only come back to me the first time because she was pregnant?and needed help? Even though she asked me if I wanted it?"

This one is hard to answer.  I've never encountered this with my wife.  A pregnancy adds a whole new emotional level to the situation.  But, I will say that my wife's recycles were motivated by what she received from me... .the love, the adoration, the feeling that someone (me) truly loved her and wanted to be close to her, and that I desired to provide for her.  In my wife's case, she makes emotional decisions when triggered.  So, she has always repeated this pattern: (1) life circumstances or a sudden change or a family/child relationship triggers emotions that are too hard to handle, (2) she decides emotionally, based upon current circumstances, what gives her the most comfort and is the least threatening (3) paint people black or white (good or bad) based upon whatever goal she has emotionally decided to pursue (4) execute that decision as stealthfully as possible to avoid any chance of conflict or confrontation (the discard) (5) get to the destination (with me or her parent's house) and over time find out that she's miserable there too and then begin thinking about the consequences of what she has chosen (too late).  So, there are many factors that may have influenced her to recycle (come back to you).  Pregnancy adds a whole new level of potential emotional trigger.

Your post: "Am I not even worthy of a BPD relationship even though my other relationships lasted many years and were healthy?"

Not to sound inappropriate or trite, but my initial reaction to this question was this... .that's like asking if you're worthy of poisoning yourself.  It has NOTHING to do with you, beyond the things in you that made you susceptible to her behavior.  Beyond that, the push/pull you see from her is NOT BECAUSE OF YOU.  It's because of what's happening inside of her emotionally.  To be honest, from my own experience, I am JUST NOW, after 12 years learning about her disorder in a detailed manner.  I have not developed any of the skills necessary for me to effectively function and remain healthy in a relationship with my wife.  In order for my wife and I to ever have a relationship that comes anywhere near "healthy", I would have to heal myself, learn ways to cope with her disorder in a loving, yet self-preserving manner with professional guidance (someone who is trained to treat BPD or guide couples dealing with BPD) and be willing and able to maintain that loving, self-preserving support of my wife and my relationship.  Additionally, my wife would have to take responsibility for her healing, learn ways to regulate her emotions through professional help, understand and be empathetic to the effect her disorder has on me and be willing to employ all of that in our relationship long-term.  And, I don't really have to say it, but I will... .the chances of all of that happening are almost literally nil.  Not going to happen.  So, it has NOTHING to do with you.  It's not about you.  You are not the reason she does the push/pull.  You are not the reason she discards, hides and compartmentalizes.  I know, I've been there.  I used to think, "what is wrong with me that she keeps doing this?  Why am I not worthy of her love and commitment?"  What I've learned is this... .all of it is happening inside of my wife emotionally.  She's afraid of getting to close to the very thing she craves deeply... .love and commitment.  It's nonsensical to us "nons", I know.  It took me years to wrap my mind around that.  But, now, I see that she did the same thing with her ex-boyfriend of 14 years.  The big difference between him and me was, I was actually a nice guy who loved her and wasn't a violent psychopath.  The reason my wife stayed so long and kept coming back (recycling) was because I WAS what she wanted.  But, over time, the constant abuse, resentment, anger and unresolved issues in the relationship made our relationship very toxic, constantly teetering on the verge of destruction.  Years of that will make the relationship extremely unstable.  And, eventually, one of the partners will make the choice to not repeat the cycle anymore.  It's not you, Shawn, even though she and the relationship may make you feel that way.  It's her and what's happening inside of her emotionally.  Truth.

Your post: "Why do I feel like an idiot that she hasn’t contacted me yet even though I left her a 2nd time? I feel stupid for feeling like this it’s my fault it ended because I couldn’t take her disrespect."

From this, it sounds like your leaving her a second time might be a tactic to get her to miss you?  Wake her up?  Teach her something?  I will say this... .my wife can seemingly switch her love for me on and off like a light switch.  She literally told me she "always loves me no matter what" 2 days before she discarded and told me "I'm done.  Stop contacting me."  Huh?  First of all, you're not stupid.  You really should stop beating yourself up over this.  Secondly, it's NOT your fault that you are a human being who has enough self-respect to set personal boundaries in a relationship when you feel disrespected.  That's what you SHOULD DO FOR YOURSELF.  As I explained in my situation with my wife, the very act of setting a firm personal boundary to preserve my self-respect and not accept her abusive behavior was THE VERY THING THAT WOULD MAKE HER DISCARD AND RUN FASTER THAN ANYTHING.  Because it threatened her.  It made her take responsibility for her actions, which is something that she cannot do.  The things you feel are NATURAL for a person in your position, Shawn.  But, it's NOT your fault for setting a personal boundary.  

[PianoDood]

... .writing another book again.  LOL

Your post: "How did you guys/girls last years in this torment of them disrespecting you? Playing weird games? Or did you get lucky and you got years of the love bombing mirroring stage? ( yes in a sick way I’m jealous ,I only got 3 months)!"

I can't speak for anyone else, but my guess is that other responses to this question will be similar to mine.  There is nothing lucky about dealing with a relationship with a pwBPD.  What I got was 12 years of the same repeated cycle, with varying lengths of confusing and emotionally nebulous pseudo-stability in between the cycles... .idealization, confusing and emotionally nebulous pseudo-stabillity, devaluation, discard and recycle.  Over and over.

And did any of you feel something was off since the begin?

This may have varied for others, but for me... .yes, fairly early in the relationship, I knew something "wasn't right".  But, by the time I began to see the behavior, I was already deeply enmeshed with her because of the emotionally charged idealization.  I was very deeply bonded with my wife emotionally by the time I had that first experience with her disorder. 

Be good to yourself.  I know it's difficult and no one can tell you what's specifically right for you to do.  But, hopefully, you will see the pattern and recognize how it applies to your situation and make the choices that are healthy for you.  For me, that decision was to self-preserve, go no contact and completely detach so I could heal and live my life again.

PD

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I was married for close to twenty years to a uBPD\NPD. My situation may be different than others who were with a BPD because of my ex's NPD. I grew up with an uNPD abusive father. He died when I was a teen. Before my marriage, pretty much all of my ex boyfriends were abusive, mostly emotionally and on the verge of physically. When things started to get physically abusive, I left them. So on some level, I knew when things were not right and I would find a way to leave them. Albeit, things had to get really bad. 

Not long ago and with the help of a really good therapist, I realized I was codependent. I'm in my 40s now. Pretty much all of my life I had accepted abuse as being normal. I had never seen a healthy relationship. I managed people's emotions to protect myself. I had been emotionally shutdown for years. Once I "woke up" a few years ago and started to heal, I refused to manage emotions anymore. That's when my ex's NPD\BPD tendencies came out in spades. I had unknowingly triggered his abandonment issues when I told him I didn't want to be married anymore. His behaviors only got worse even when we tried marriage counseling. That's when I learned that he's probably BPD\NPD. His behaviors were and still are pretty textbook.

Looking back, there were many red flags in my past marriage over the years. But I sucked it up and kept working on it. On some level, I knew things weren't right but having two kids, I stayed trying to make it better. It only got worse, though. During our marriage, my ex was more of a covert narcissist. The abuse was subtle and I didn't even know it was abuse until recently. He slowly isolated me from my friends and family. He became more and more controlling and manipulative over the years. It was like slow drops in a bucket. I didn't really notice the problem that had been developing for years until the bucket overflowed.

By the time I had met my now ex husband, I was already pretty emotionally damaged, shut down, and starving for affection. So it didn't take much love bombing to hook me by that point. I think I just gave up and stayed with him because he was better than the others. Things were good for about the first few years. Once we got married and moved away from his friends and family, he became more and more controlling and clingy and it just went downhill from there.

I think a healthy person who has a good sense of self and has good boundaries wouldn't put up with BPD behaviors for long. I think you should give yourself more credit for seeing it as soon as you did and refusing to put up with it. IMO, being in a relationship with someone who is BPD can mess with your thinking, especially long term.

You say you feel stupid and like an idiot. Why do you think you feel that way? Feelings are not wrong or stupid. Feelings are feelings and it's okay to feel however you feel. It may be a good time to do some reflection on yourself and work through your feelings with a good therapist. Take care of yourself.

[Shawnlam]

Wow pianodood what you wrote hits home in the way of explanation and kinda explains a few things.If I may I’ll tell you a little of my story that sums up why I believe she purposely sabotaged the relationship faster than what would be considered normal even for a BPD.I want to get it out on here just to tell the story and I want to thank you and everyone else that is taking the time to read and help me.(hopefully one day soon I can return the favor for others).

A little bit about myself : I was well raised with a normal family except my dad had to work further away from home for 8 years to keep his job at GM.I went to college and university and spent 3 years in the Canadian Infantry.Afterwards I spent a career in management where I’m known and was promoted for being a problem solver.Now I’m a new company for 3 years I’ve done the samething I solve issues and am very good at it.

My issues with my ex GFBPD started around Xmas where she didn’t want to bring me to her sisters party because she said they were swingers and a weird family plus her brother n law hates her.( I later found out her brother n law is the type of person that would of said straight to my face “what are you doing with her?” ).Because apparently I’m ultra serious and normal compared to the guys she’s been with before.
New Years comes around and she didn’t bring me to her dads side because from what I figured out later :he’s a typical normal person who loves her very much and she barely ever goes to see him.Everytime she did she would get emotional and text me stuff like why do I push everyone that loves me away? So definitely too much emotional triggering to bring me in that atmosphere.
 Since she is a mother of two with soul custody she is busy every second weekend since the father takes them one weekend on two and the first father never.So anyways in January she starts doing weird things like booking a trip with her friend two hours away (I suspected 98% to also meet an old boyfriend).but couldn’t prove it.I knew something was wrong because that weekend she sent selfies a lot both all day and the next morning which triggered the something is up alarm.She knew I think too much (that’s what I get paid to do) and over compensated ... .classic mistake most people make honestly when hiding stuff.(also her past she was known for cheating hell she even told me thinking it buy my confidence in believing she doesn’t lie).
Then two weeks later she books a vacation away for us Friday/Saturday only to cancel Friday night saying she needs to go see her grandma in the hospital (never heard a thing past that day about it).
Fast forward another week and on a Thursday she tells me oh I’m not feeling well .Oh I hope you don’t have a gastro or something?That evening she disappears off the map but texts me I’m at the clinic 530-700pm which if you know anything about the Canadian health system: you will never get into a walk in clinic after work.She then refuses to take my calls after 8pm saying her kids are in the car (even though I always speak to her when her kids are there).The next day I breakup with her telling her just can’t take the half truths/lies and secrets anymore.
Fast forward two weeks later I get a random text saying “hey” and the she wants to talk about something.We meet up and she is pregnant but has an abortion planned that Tuesday .As a good person should do I ask if she wants me to accompany her and she says yes and also offers to keep it even though she has a rare sickness where woman can die during pregnancy... .obviously even though I want a child I won’t risk one life for another.We get back together and life continues.
Fast forward 1 week and she comes to my place where we spend a great weekend etc and she’s slightly emotional.I told her look I know you do things abnormally than most but that I’m ok with it because I love who she really is not her facade she puts up on most ppl.She cry’s and tells me she’s tired of some of the things she does etc.
One week later we are at dinner with the kids and I ask her so what’s your plans for the weekend? With a look of shock she says oh I’m going on a trip with my best friend and my son for the weekend starting tomorrow? So I go quiet finish the evening and try to make light as to why she would hide such an event that was probably planned  weeks ago but she never told me out of courtesy as her partner?
That Sunday when she got back I met her and said look I can’t keep doing this yo-yo anxiety affect anymore.1: stop hiding everything that honestly doesn’t need to be hidden.2:be respectful as my partner and tell me when you plan something so I can also do the same while you are gone 3: how come you spend all your time with your friend but not me.Everytime we are together it’s because I ask otherwise nothing from you? It’s ok if you don’t want the relationship anymore but please tell me.Stop sending me the I love you’d ,I want you and my family as one,get married and have a child of our own but then we never see each other doesn’t add up? I gave her to the following Friday to answer these questions .
Fast forward to that Friday and she calls me crying saying she screwed up her sons passport and we can’t go on the trip we planned end of March plus she’s upset because of ( moving twice ,gave up her dog,she’s afraid I’ll leave her again)etc etc and yet again screws up that entire weekend( last weekend) and we are apart while she has a nervous breakdown (never having answered my questions).Then she sends me on Sunday two weeks ago a text saying I need to fix somethings before we can move our lives forward as a normal couple .
 Now the end was last Tuesday where at work she emails me saying her don’t get mad but I have something to tell/ask you about my vacation days next week(referencing this week) please don’t get upset it’s nothing bad.So in my mind she is keeping her four days off which is stupid and a waste but her choice since there is no trip.Well tada she announces she’s still going on a trip now with her friend down south for a week (leaving the kids she promised here and never asking me to go). All that after I asked her to be respectful and act like a couple and tell /discuss things.
So as you can see she did the total opposite only thinking of herself and nobody else her kids or bf nobody.But plays the victims saying “look at my mental starts I’m a mess I need this and never have time for myself” .Reread above it’s the second trip in one month just for her.

Also in the past month she’s texted me prior to each event : I’ll never betray you,cheat on you,hurt you intentionally and I’ll be with you as long as you will have me.And that I’m such a good person and don’t deserve to be with someone like her.? Like she knew what she was doing and did it anyways because she only has that one gf.But of course I’m the guy that’s insecure and disrespectful? Hell I’d tell her 2 weeks in advance I had a business trip just so she would know.All my relationships in the past I didn’t care what my gf’s did just please be respectful and kinda let me know so I can plan my life if they were busy that’s all I asked.Everything was a secret or last minute or drama filled ... .always.

I think once a set my boundaries a few weeks ago she freaked out and then went against them instantly as a suicide event to end the relationship instead of just saying goodbye? She even refused to see me to say goodbye after I told her I couldn’t do this anymore .Just wanted to give her a kiss and hug goodbye and all I got was “ I can’t believe you are pushing me away from your life because I’m going on a trip” totally clueless on the lack of respect to both her kids and me.

So that’s why when she gets back Sunday I’m sure I’ll be free of and contact from her at anytime in the future I think she was sending me a message saying just go then by her actions.I remember when I asked her to think and get back to me in a week she said to me while crying :I’m sorry you don’t deserve to be treated like this you aren’t like the others? Always confused me but I treated her like a queen and with respect and so much love it’s no way  she didn’t feel it.She even told me I loved her so much she said it was burning.

With all that said I’m thinking if my analytical brain is right her behavior was telling me : sorry shawn I can’t change and instead of answering your questions here is my answer (and she screwed up both a weekend and a vacation).Im thinking even as screwed up as they are that was her saying goodbye and the odds of her recontacting me a slim to none.Even in her most depressed state that’s inevitably coming soon she knows I love her too much but I won’t tolerate  her disrespect and she will go back to looking for a loser to manipulate because they don’t see clear they only see her body and beauty ... .I saw her heart.

[Shawnlam]

I was married for close to twenty years to a uBPD\NPD. My situation may be different than others who were with a BPD because of my ex's NPD. I grew up with an uNPD abusive father. He died when I was a teen. Before my marriage, pretty much all of my ex boyfriends were abusive, mostly emotionally and on the verge of physically. When things started to get physically abusive, I left them. So on some level, I knew when things were not right and I would find a way to leave them. Albeit, things had to get really bad. 

Not long ago and with the help of a really good therapist, I realized I was codependent. I'm in my 40s now. Pretty much all of my life I had accepted abuse as being normal. I had never seen a healthy relationship. I managed people's emotions to protect myself. I had been emotionally shutdown for years. Once I "woke up" a few years ago and started to heal, I refused to manage emotions anymore. That's when my ex's NPD\BPD tendencies came out in spades. I had unknowingly triggered his abandonment issues when I told him I didn't want to be married anymore. His behaviors only got worse even when we tried marriage counseling. That's when I learned that he's probably BPD\NPD. His behaviors were and still are pretty textbook.

Looking back, there were many red flags in my past marriage over the years. But I sucked it up and kept working on it. On some level, I knew things weren't right but having two kids, I stayed trying to make it better. It only got worse, though. During our marriage, my ex was more of a covert narcissist. The abuse was subtle and I didn't even know it was abuse until recently. He slowly isolated me from my friends and family. He became more and more controlling and manipulative over the years. It was like slow drops in a bucket. I didn't really notice the problem that had been developing for years until the bucket overflowed.

By the time I had met my now ex husband, I was already pretty emotionally damaged, shut down, and starving for affection. So it didn't take much love bombing to hook me by that point. I think I just gave up and stayed with him because he was better than the others. Things were good for about the first few years. Once we got married and moved away from his friends and family, he became more and more controlling and clingy and it just went downhill from there.

I think a healthy person who has a good sense of self and has good boundaries wouldn't put up with BPD behaviors for long. I think you should give yourself more credit for seeing it as soon as you did and refusing to put up with it. IMO, being in a relationship with someone who is BPD can mess with your thinking, especially long term.

You say you feel stupid and like an idiot. Why do you think you feel that way? Feelings are not wrong or stupid. Feelings are feelings and it's okay to feel however you feel. It may be a good time to do some reflection on yourself and work through your feelings with a good therapist. Take care of yourself.

Thank you for this and the kind words I have a lot to work on

[space261083]

Really interesting reading this tonight. I did 20yrs with my ex because as I see now being my own issues. I love to fix, its who I am. My wife and kids always looked up to me to fix problems and I liked how it made me feel. I still do it now. I had my neighbour pop round the weekend with an ornament he had broke asking if i could help. I was in my element , I not only fixed it but went the extra mile and even painted it. I took it back to him and I felt amazing seeing his reaction. I still do this with my children's problems but obviously no longer with my wife. Since our split she has gotten herself into debt, does drink and drugs more heavily and I've recently heard she is depressed. She moved a new guy in 2 weeks after I left and initially was bragging about how happy she was. All of these issues I would have fixed but obviously I'm not there anymore so all her problem then are perceived as being me fault.
She always came back because she needed me an to some extent I needed her for my validation. Imo, that's why it lasted so long.

[ozmatoz]

PianoDood, thank you for your words in this post.  Your ability to write out how things went down was really helpful.  Like many here it seems there are so many similarities  to our stories.

I'm currently trying to fight off another attempt at a recycle.  Most who are not familiar with BPD often wonder why its so hard to just "walk away".  I'm ready to go yet I'm trying to get over the hump and get it done.

Shawnlam: Been with uBPDw for 17 married almost 12.  There were certainly some great times in there, but the more I learn about BPD I look back at many troubling memories and they start to finally make sense.  I recently uncovered a journal that I wrote in way back in the beginning of the relationship.  I had forgotten some of the horror stories but wow to read them now is eye opening.  Its part of the reason I know I need to avoid this recycle attempt.  BPD has always been there, it finally makes sense why there was always this little voice in the back of my head saying "something just isnt right... ."  17 years in and no matter how much love and compassion I threw at it, nothing has changed, and nothing will.  I did love her, always will to some degree, she is also the mother of my beautiful daughters.

I think it lasted so long because I am probably an overly forgiving person.  I try to seek out the good and have empathy and know good people still make bad choices.  My rescuer personality was a perfect opening for a BPD to grab hold of and not let go.  There was fixing to be done... .now I've learned some things just cant be fixed... .

It is hard, thank you for starting the thread, your questions are very valid.

Good luck to you,
-Oz

[PianoDood]

Shawn,
I've only read 1/2 of your post (I will read the rest, no worries) and I'm already ready already to write another book to try to help relate what you've gone through to my situation so that you know you're not alone and that what you're experiencing is not unique... .not to minimize it, but to encourage you that it's not you.  It's almost SPOOKY the similarities.  The parallels are unmistakable.  I am so thankful I found this board.  It affirmed my belief that I'm not crazy.  And I pray it's doing that for you.  And that's why I want to read your post and digest/formulate the right response.  Shawn, you're not crazy.  And, honestly, neither is your SO.  Everyone on the face of the Earth is broken in one way, shape or form.  We all have our flaws.  That's called being HUMAN.  But, some are more broken than others.  It doesn't make them bad (and that's part of our problem and loving, giving empaths and rescuers... .we know inherantly they aren't bad people... .they are just broken and sometimes don't know it or can't deal with it).  When I read your posts, I find myself having to take breaks.  I literally laugh, not because any of this is funny... .it's NOT.  It's excruciating.  But, because I can soo relate to the things you are expressing and sharing.  Brother, you are not alone.  And you are stronger than you think.

PD

[medjool]

Yes, sigh, we dated for 3 years and then were married for 14.  I guess it was partly all of his good traits that kept me going -- he is compelling and smart and "can do" with boundless energy.  I was raising our children and needed a partner and provider so that I could stay home with them and give them my full attention.  I loved parenting, I loved being with my babies.  It worked for many years, despite violent fights every six months or so (increasing as time went on).  We were partly distracted by the charms of living in other countries for several years, but the red flags were there all along, even as early as our second date.  He had a scary, erratic, impersonal way about him that my family and I could never quite put our finger on, until now that we understand BP better.

I think that if I'd known about BP much sooner than this, the course of things would have been very different.  I would not have taken on the blame all those years nor believed in our relationship like I did.  Ugh, it's so tragic.  I have a lot of grief to heal from for letting it go on so long.

[Cromwell]

As I’ve been reading endless stories here I realize many of you survivors lasted years in the relationship! I know the next few questions may not be answerable but how in gods name did you last so long “I mean for your sanity”? Or were the BPD symptoms less at the beginning? My ex GF stage 1 love bombing lasted 3 months before the red flags .I won’t lie marriage /kid / moving in was all discussed but never moved forward.I know these questions may sound stupid but?
Do you think my BPDex knew I was catching on to herbtactics early ? So she sabotaged quickly?

Do you think she saw me as too complicated to keep because I analyze too much?

Did she only come back to me the first time because she was pregnant?and needed help? Even though she asked me if I wanted it?

Am I not even worthy of a BPD relationship even though my other relationships lasted many years and were healthy?

Why do I feel like an idiot that she hasn’t contacted me yet even though I left her a 2nd time? I feel stupid for feeling like this it’s my fault it ended because I couldn’t take her disrespect.

How did you guys/girls last years in this torment of them disrespecting you? Playing weird games? Or did you get lucky and you got years of the love bombing mirroring stage? ( yes in a sick way I’m jealous ,I only got 3 months)!

And did any of you feel something was off since the beginning? I know my family and friends told me the first three months i drank a lot which isn’t me like I somehow knew?

no my friend. im jealous you had the assertiveness to escape after 3 months and not let it get to the stage I had for 3 years.

How did I manage, distance and working. she didnt live with me most of the time so I had some time to myself to calm down from the drama. also, whilst there was red flags I only discovered things until later on, she was good at hiding her worst sides. there were lots of very happy memories with her which I look back and cherish. I also met her at a time when I was substance misusing, so I was in my own little world a lot of the time and wasnt entirely fixated on her and was used to a chaotic lifestyle regardless of some of the things she would add to it.

It was when I came off drugs and got stronger (which I wanted to do to be a better person to be with her and help her better), that the relationship started to strain. I turned from being the easy target who she thought could never leave her to someone who was becoming more aware and self confident. Two factors i believe that started to threaten the risk of me abandoning her in her mind. Which I would never have done.

she was good company during a time of my life I was at rock bottom and didnt really care about much of anything anyway. as i got better, I cared more for my family, started to make decent friends and turn my back on the losers I was with, and this all made her jealous for gradual shifting my attention from her.

I could have easily married her, she mentioned about having a "new years baby", but despite the rut I was in, I think I did still have subconscious reservations about her that guided me through. To summarise an answer to your question; yes I believe you were too much of a strong target for her to handle just as I eventually became when I got better.

thats when the craziness really went into full motion. All i can say was it kept me sleep deprived, in a permanent state of FOG, she triangulated and as the worst of her behaviour escalated with the constant gaslighting, I started going into psychosis due to the stress. (thank you to whoever invented Olanzapine!)

not the best thing to go through when youve already worked your way out of a difficult situation, only to have someone try to drag you back down. in the midst of all this becoming heartbroken and having to deal with that too.

I also read in disbelief those have managed decades and had kids etc, I cant figure it out except to say that not every BPD is the same and I think also as borderlines get older they mellow out with the extremes of their behaviour. Some of the victims also probably have a form of stockholm syndrome that gets them through each day. I certainly was captivated by my ex in a very unhealthy way, I always thought she would have been an excellent leader of some sort of underground sect. Again, these types of people manage to manipulate those who are already vulnerable in some way and by the sounds of it you were probably too smart for her to play her games with successfully.

[rj47]

I lasted 30-years. Its amazing what some peoples' normal can become.

In my case, I internalized it as being my problem. She trained me well. I can't blame her or be angry, she couldn't help it. When she was happy for a time it was an amazing and intoxicating addiction. When not; terrible and emotionally violent beatings for hours were the pattern. Self-loathing overwhelmed me at times as I tried and failed to be a better husband. When she was diagnosed my children were in their teens. I determined to stay for them and had hope that I might outlast her condition and sought counseling to develop coping skills. When she ventured into drugs and alcohol, and fell into some highly inappropriate relationships with other men I was already detached. The silver lining several years later is that I'm feeling healthy intoxication daily with someone without the fear and self-loathing. We're incredibly fortunate having both come out of long term abusive relationships. We don't avoid making the mistakes of the past. We simply don't have the capacity to engage in behaviors that lead to so much pain with the time we have left. Never again.

I sometimes think back to that first "sign" that something wasn't right back in our twenties. She saw me standing on my bike talking to an old casual female friend from HS. She flipped me off as she drove by. When I got home she was frantically throwing her things in the car, then attacked me physically. I was dumbfounded. I often wonder if I should have let her leave.

[once removed]

one thing that helped give me some clarity long after my ex and i broke up was learning more about how relationships evolve, devolve, break down. the foundations that make for a healthy and stable relationship are slowly built over time.

My ex GF stage 1 love bombing lasted 3 months before the red flags .

the three month mark is a critical one in most relationships. every romantic relationship has a certain power struggle phase, where we test each other out, learn what each others boundaries are, and the long term compatibilities and imcompatibilities start to show themselves as the normal idealization and honeymoon period begins to slow down. this period can be make or break. sometimes the relationship becomes terminal long term, but persists because both parties still click in a dysfunctional way. sometimes they get over this hump, get on the same page, and things stabilize. sometimes it all blows up quickly.

relationship failure is a reality. its less about who was good or bad, or weak or strong, and more about the incompatibilities between both parties. it can be confusing, because these relationships tend to start out very intensely, and many report feeling that they met their soulmate. but again, the things that make healthy and stable relationships are built slowly over time; sometimes we mistake intensity for intimacy.

its very comforting to arrive here and discover that others have been through similar experiences to us. it makes us feel less alone, less isolated, and it normalizes our pain. what can get lost is that while we had partners with some key, similar personality traits, a relationship between two people is very personal and complex, and unique. ive read a lot of stories in my years here. while there are some common themes, what made the relationship click, and what made it break, and the struggles of each party, are all very unique.

i learned a lot from this model: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

[Cromwell]

I lasted 30-years. Its amazing what some peoples' normal can become.

In my case, I internalized it as being my problem. She trained me well. I can't blame her or be angry, she couldn't help it. When she was happy for a time it was an amazing and intoxicating addiction. When not; terrible and emotionally violent beatings for hours were the pattern. Self-loathing overwhelmed me at times as I tried and failed to be a better husband. When she was diagnosed my children were in their teens. I determined to stay for them and had hope that I might outlast her condition and sought counseling to develop coping skills. When she ventured into drugs and alcohol, and fell into some highly inappropriate relationships with other men I was already detached. The silver lining several years later is that I'm feeling healthy intoxication daily with someone without the fear and self-loathing. We're incredibly fortunate having both come out of long term abusive relationships. We don't avoid making the mistakes of the past. We simply don't have the capacity to engage in behaviors that lead to so much pain with the time we have left. Never again.

I sometimes think back to that first "sign" that something wasn't right back in our twenties. She saw me standing on my bike talking to an old casual female friend from HS. She flipped me off as she drove by. When I got home she was frantically throwing her things in the car, then attacked me physically. I was dumbfounded. I often wonder if I should have let her leave.

All I can say is that it sounds like many of us did have not much choice but to internalise the anger and just let day follow night. days then just simply turn to weeks and then years. im aghast when I think that it dragged out to 3 years but then again I learned a lot how to deal with difficult people through my life.

I truly believe if I would have been duped into having kids with mine I wouldnt care about any law, id pack them up on the first flight out and rather live in the remotest corner of the world than have them bringed up in that environment.

Its great to hear that you finally found happiness after. I hope to do the same, need to heal first because i sometimes feel as if my life has got back to normal, but her memory, not so much feelings of missing her (they have mostly fizzed away) but i think im becoming more aware as to the reality of what i went through, and its not easy to face up to it. this board has been invaluable though, im lucky i found it in time.

[PianoDood]

How?  A lot of denial spread like icing to cover the carnage of the cake I allowed or was too uninformed to keep  her from baking in the oven of my own core damage.

[MeandThee29]

I lasted 30-years. Its amazing what some peoples' normal can become.

In my case, I internalized it as being my problem. She trained me well.

I hear you. Twenty-five years for me. Some of my fear was the significant drop in income because I was mostly a stay-at-home mom with a small part-time job. And I really didn't want a failed marriage.

The early years were good, but there were signs. He always fell apart when I went on a business trip or flew out to visit family. He didn't like me being out unless it was work or church. When my family visited, there was always fallout because he had to be the center of attention. Funny, because when his family visited, he ignored me, and I accepted that. It's normal to focus on your family when they visit. Then kids came along, and he was perpetually jealous, especially as they got older and bonded more with me because his interactions with them were unpredictable. They observed him being critical of me and other people and decided not to have anything to do with that. Of course that caused problems too. One of my kids urged me to pack us up and move out a full year before he left, but I just wasn't ready then.

As it worked out, we're very tight financially but have a roof overhead and food on the table. It was really tough splitting up, but I'm coming out of it. He still wants to reconcile, but only on his terms, which I refuse. We have friends who help me out with house stuff, and our church brought us a food basket at Christmas. I have a variety of friends who love me 100%, as do our two college kids who live with me. The three of us had health problems from all of the stress that are now resolved. All three of us were taking anti-anxiety medications for some time. One is off, and two are on a much lower dose.

I never imagined this, but given what I know now, it was inevitable. We have a family therapist that we've all seen for over a decade (he also has aspects of PTSD), and she urged me for a long time to see the reality of where this was going. Now that I'm there, I'm coming into my own again.

[toomanydogs]

Fascinating thread. Thanks for starting it, Shawn. And thanks to everyone for contributing.

Technically, I'm still married. We are in the midst of a never-ending divorce. Fingers crossed, 2019 will be the year.

I was with my STBX for 11 years, married 10. I met him online. My children, grown, knew immediately there was something off because of the number of emails he sent on a daily basis--between 30 and 50 every day of our relationship, except when he was giving me the silent treatment.

I don't want to give too much of my relationship away by specific detail. (Still worried that he or my in-laws could be on this site.) However, when I met STBX I was inexperienced, naive. I hadn't been in a relationship for years, by choice, because I didn't want men drifting in and out of my life when my kids were little. As a result, I was flattered, yet a bit overwhelmed, by those emails.

So initially I was pulled in (I jumped?) because of a level of naivete. The first time I met him, he flew me out to see him face-to-face. I was terrified. Emotionally terrified. I felt awkward, as if I were practically prepubescent. I will love my STBX until the day I die for how he treated me when we first met because he was so reassuring--verbally and physically.

That first time, however, we were together for less than 24 hours. I came home thinking my STBX was damaged--he shared a lot of details about his childhood--details now that I suspect all were lies--and sensitive. I've been in and out of therapy for years because of my own childhood--alcoholism, abuse, the death of my mother. I felt initially he and I spoke the same language. We used to joke that unlike other people dating, who put their best foot forward, we each led with our worst. We shared our fears of abandonment, the loss of other relationships, sexual difficulties.

Initially, the bond I felt was deep. Sometimes I'd cry because it felt so overwhelming to have someone who knew me so well.

When I use the word initially, I refer to the first month of our relationship. After that initial meet-up, he flew me back out to stay for a few weeks. Within 24 hours, I knew there was something very wrong with him, and that is when the mother (or caretaker) in me kicked in.

I believed (and still suspect) that my STBX should never live alone. He gave me, even as I objected, his SSN, his previous addresses, his mother's maiden name, and passwords to all his bank accounts. (He's younger than I am, by the way.)

I contacted his father with my concerns. I was quite alarmed, and I thought--erroneously as it turned out--that I was the first to contact his father. I wasn't. I was simply in a long long line of people who had tried to help both my STBX and my FIL.

I tried to leave my STBX about 2 months into the relationship, and what kept me was: 1) that parental side of me, and 2) the belief that mental illness, personality disorders specifically, were akin to my own PTSD and bouts with depression.

I always  wanted to feel better, and I was always willing to work in order to do so. I took meds when warranted and I went to therapy. I thought my STBX wanted to feel better, as well, so I tried to help.

Once we were married that pattern continued. I met with a therapist to help keep from falling into the trap of codependency. I tried to meet STBX's illness rationally and with a great deal of help and support.

The problem? My STBX never wanted to get better. Even his T told me that my STBX would never get better unless he gave up his attachment to being ill. And when STBX was with me, he never gave that up. Our life revolved around his illness.

I tried to leave him when we were married, and he dysregulated quite badly. We patched things up, and I never would have left him. With the help of my T, I was little by little carving out my own life. It was really hard, and my STBX didn't like a lot of what I was doing.

Eventually, perhaps because I had changed or perhaps because he really did get better (I don't believe he's better, by the way), he left me. No, of course, he's not better because if he were better he'd not have left in the way he did.

Now it's been 18 months of NC, and I realize what a gift he gave me by leaving. That life was carving out little by little? It's mine. I don't go to sleep worrying he's going to turn all the thermostats up to 90 in order to wake me up. I don't worry that he's going to break a TV, a phone, or a computer. I don't worry that he'll dysregulate in public or at home. I don't worry about him.

Not worrying about him has freed up my life in ways I never thought imaginable.

I meant it when I said, I will love the man forever. That doesn't mean I will love him romantically, and it doesn't mean I want him in my life. He's not healthy. He requires care, and right now the care I provided him, I'm providing myself.

I ask God to keep an eye on my STBX. I am not yet to a point where I ask God to keep an eye on my in-laws. For now, they're on their own.  

Great thread,

TMD

[Cat Familiar]

I was young, immature and I'd just had an abortion and was feeling pretty rotten about men, relationships, life in general. He was kind, gentle, supportive--qualities that he'd abandon once he felt that I was committed.

He showed me his sensitive side, he loved animals, we began a history together. My parents had "blacklisted" me for not being the daughter they wanted after I graduated from college and didn't move home to be gainfully employed in the big city.

Instead I worked at an "artsy" job for low pay, which had nothing to do with my degree, but gave me an opportunity to learn who I was, outside of the strict parental regimen of my BPD mother.

Over time, we collected animals, assets, and during that time, being around his abuse wore down my self esteem and the idea of being on my own again was daunting. We shared a business together and later, a ranch. The idea of separating myself from him seemed daunting... .until... .it got to the point where I was finally done being the target of his abuse and bad behavior: violence, financial irresponsibility, infidelity.

It took a long time to get to that point and afterwards it's taken a long time to heal from that relationship. Had I known what I was in for, for so many years... .there never would have been a second date.