I got "promoted"; publicly;pretty disgusted right now [Christian Discussion]

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

She tried to get out of the private conversation (scheduled at her time) by saying she no longer needed to talk or wanted to know why I wanted kids to do chores (or something like that)

I said I still needed to talk and she "gave me 5 minutes... .but I better make it quick".  She stood at the foot of our bed (we were in bedroom for privacy)... waving her phone around showing me that the timer was running.

First off I let her know I appreciated her time and understood she was busy, so my main objective was for her to think about a longer, 30 minutes or so time later this evening when we could talk about important matters, especially since today was an unexpected day off (cold/snow).

Secondly I appreciated her letting me know via text that she would follow my leading... .that if it needs correction that God will do that.  That I wanted to make sure my leading was clear.  Neither of us are to share our  "thoughts" , "opinions" of the other's thinking, motivations and/or emotions publicly or privately with any of our children.  Those are adult conversations for us to only have privately, where we are each free to bring up whatever is on our mind for clarification.

She huffed and puffed... .worried about the time left for the talk and then exasperatingly said that she struggled with that and I "wasn't helping her".  I tried to be somewhat empathetic and assured her I was interested in her thoughts, which she could share later... .about how I could help.

She got even more exasperated and said "you never let me know anymore that you've done anything wrong."

I said... "FFw... that's true.  I would hope you could spend some time today thinking about the last time I did that.  From that experience I've thoughtfully and prayerfully decided for now to no longer do such a thing.  We can talk more about that tonight."

She huffed and puffed some more about poor FF having to live with a big bad FFw.

my response was "oh my... .certainly seems like something to chat about later."

she huffed a bit more and exited the room.

The good news is I should have a session with P between now and any further chance to talk tonight.

FF

[formflier]

She tried to get out of the private conversation (scheduled at her time) by saying she no longer needed to talk or wanted to know why I wanted kids to do chores (or something like that)

I said I still needed to talk and she "gave me 5 minutes... .but I better make it quick".  She stood at the foot of our bed (we were in bedroom for privacy)... waving her phone around showing me that the timer was running.

First off I let her know I appreciated her time and understood she was busy, so my main objective was for her to think about a longer, 30 minutes or so time later this evening when we could talk about important matters, especially since today was an unexpected day off (cold/snow).

Secondly I appreciated her letting me know via text that she would follow my leading... .that if it needs correction that God will do that.  That I wanted to make sure my leading was clear.  Neither of us are to share our  "thoughts" , "opinions" of the other's thinking, motivations and/or emotions publicly or privately with any of our children.  Those are adult conversations for us to only have privately, where we are each free to bring up whatever is on our mind for clarification.

She huffed and puffed... .worried about the time left for the talk and then exasperatingly said that she struggled with that and I "wasn't helping her".  I tried to be somewhat empathetic and assured her I was interested in her thoughts, which she could share later... .about how I could help.

She got even more exasperated and said "you never let me know anymore that you've done anything wrong."

I said... "FFw... that's true.  I would hope you could spend some time today thinking about the last time I did that.  From that experience I've thoughtfully and prayerfully decided for now to no longer do such a thing.  We can talk more about that tonight."

She huffed and puffed some more about poor FF having to live with a big bad FFw.

my response was "oh my... .certainly seems like something to chat about later."

she huffed a bit more and exited the room.

The good news is I should have a session with P between now and any further chance to talk tonight.

FF

[empath]

I'm wondering if she has heard you state your boundary about apologizing... .

Is there something that she thinks you have done wrong?

[formflier]

I'm wondering if she has heard you state your boundary about apologizing... .

Is there something that she thinks you have done wrong?

I have "Bionically confronted her" twice about the use of the Lord's name in vain the last time I asked for forgiveness. 

It's a bit of a long story, so yes she has heard it... she hasn't acknowledged that it actually happened.  She only stated that she didn't laugh.
 
I should come back and tell the story if it doesn't make sense.  Thing is... .it was over a year ago... I'd have to look it up for sure.

Quickly:  I asked for forgiveness for a minor issue.  She laughed (cackled is more appropriate), used the Lord's name in vain and then told a wacky story about me asking forgiveness for taking the family out to lunch.  (that doesn't do it justice... .but the few times before that got weirder and weirder... then this one just took the cake).

So... .I stopped pouring gas on a fire I didn't understand.

FF

[empath]

It seems to me that confrontation is a bit different than stating a boundary.

My h can twist even my simple requests into something unrecognizable - leaving me just, well, confused. The last few interactions that we had were confusing to me; thankfully, they were via text so he couldn't deny his weird responses. He decided he needed to take a break... . 

[Notwendy]

If your wife's situation is correct- and you don't apologize to her or acknowledge that you make mistakes too, then you may come across as super-human. It isn't easy to be a human who makes a mistake once in a while and be in a relationship with someone who does not. If one is prone to feeling shame, it's hard to feel like the one who doesn't measure up.

I think we should strive to be our best and not make mistakes if possible, but we are humans, and sometimes we do things like lose our tempers, say things we don't mean, spill something in the kitchen or forget something.

When kids are raised with shame, they don't feel they make mistakes, they feel they are mistakes. Is your stance on not admitting to wrong doing a shame trigger for her- if she's the only one who makes mistakes?

To me, your wife sounds frustrated with your boundary. In a moment of anger, her lizard brain took over and she said something she should not have said to express her frustration at you not ever appearing to make a mistake. Now, she's even further in that hole of shame because of what she said. I think she avoided her discussion with you because she didn't want to be further shamed. She doesn't need to hear what she did- just about every kid who ever went to Sunday school knows the 10 commandments.

God's the ultimate judge of us, but I hope you can look at these in context. She said something in a moment of anger, she may not even mean it. This is repairable. She knows she did it. Does she have to feel humiliated too?

[formflier]

I certainly will apologize for things, say I'm sorry or things like that.

Asking for forgiveness is (to me) a much more religious and intimate thing... much more vulnerable.

I wouldn't expect anyone else to be repeatedly vulnerable and be repeatedly "oddly chastised" in the process.

While my wife's laughter and all the rest was the worst of the worst... .it was a consistent pattern that was getting worse.  With no breaks in between.  So... .there wasn't a couple bad ones and a few good ones... .the trend was consistently worse and worse.

My view is that for whatever reason that I don't understand... .my asking for forgiveness equated "pouring gas" on a fire in my  wife that I don't understand.

Perhaps boundary is an odd word to use there or perhaps the "vision" is that I "keep my gas" inside my boundary so it doesn't touch "her" fire.

I had a good meeting with P yesterday.  I'll send some updates later on that.

Right now beating my head against Microsoft Project... .

FF

[empath]

As I understand it, you will apologize but don't ask for her forgiveness.

Can you write a bit more about the practice of asking for forgiveness and what the difference is from an apology?

[Cat Familiar]

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