The love of my life.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm 50 years old and I'm broken in a way I can't describe.  I met a woman a few years ago, fell in love, moved in with after about a year of dating.  We were sure of what we we doing at least it looked that way.  She had a 14 year old son.  There were signs of severe mistrust and "intuitions", accusations that I had connections with past relationships.  I went through a hell time in a custody battle with a former ex and suffered 16 months of criminal charges based on false accusations, geez.  As it was ending, not well or as I was thinking with the custody battle, it eventually ended with limited visitation.  It was at this time that I felt the world was paying me back by letting me meet the love of my life.  Difficult at times but it had a sense of coming together with the "issues" and some perceived clarity after the hints of suspiciousness, mistrust, imaginary ideas of... .you name it.  She said she had trust issues, slight paranoias, suspicious mind.  I thought so what, I'm the guy that loves you, adores you, has intentions of going all the way until the end, I invisioned it, I felt it and knew who I was in this relationship.

Moved in, living together gave us the opportunity to deal with issues and get even closer.  I knew I could be a positive influence on her teenage son in any way, I didn't need to be his father, I could just be a plus in his life.  What I didn't understand at the time was the extreme volitility that existed in her prior marrage and how it affected her son.  Me and her son hit it off--did I mention I have too much empathy and could relate to this boy and he knew it and enjoyed who I was becoming.  Anyway, our relationship and lives started intertwining in the best way I never had.  The "issues" were still there at times and the intense feeling of love, connection and belonging beat out the problems.

I would see my love's face turn and twist and a topic of extreme paranoia would arise, I would deny, give in, get defensive.  It was a runaway train and had to wait for the crash.  A crash would either consist of a silent and angry time for a day of two OR getting thrown out, it always seemed to go from nothing to something without any possibility of intervention.  I always thought I could be more understanding, better listener, find ways to compensate.  Some seemed to work sometimes, sometimes not.

We were at times able to speak fairly clearly about our issues, she DID have an idea of her silent, unseen and imaginary triggers and I thought that such a step in dealing, I had hope faith, the will to keep going.  I've been that guy my whole life and I know what that means (I am a codependant, I am a people pleaser, I had a ___ty childhood with little love and abandonment issues), I shared these thing and she shared her insicurities, childhood pain, adult pains, detailed issues with her mother etc.

I thought scratching the surface was the beginning of this journey of growth, living, learning, ups and downs, the great times and the bad.  I knew a healthy and great relationship needs those things.  We would connect amazingly and it was so important that she knew I was on her side... .

The things that would bleed into our life were my past.  It would be held against me, I'd be labeled, I'd defend myself, she thought she had me pegged and would be cruel at times.  These times would have some consistantly with awesome times inbetween, I would resist walking on eggshells because I felt it affected my mood and I wanted to stop being stuck on what may come up at any time.  She was a conservitive woman that had conservative views and life that I fit into even though I could where many hats comfortably in any setting while being a genuine decent person.  What would come out of her mouth at times was shocking, cruel, almost psychotic.  I tried everything, confrontation, ignore, leave the room, I took every action to bring about a diffent response, it was the same no matter what.  She would go into a "shut down" time after these things would happen and I would tell her clearly I'm not angry, I love you, I won't abandon you.  She would feel terrible, I would see it and she would admit it.  I would ask her after a day or two if we could talk about the things she's said and typically she said she didn't remember and I would sometimes tell her some lesser things, I didn't want to rub it in her face or make her feel further guilt.

Anyway, after almost 4 years together, this last incident took place on 12/19/2018, it was as extreme as could be, I came home and all my belongings were in the garage, she asked for the key, ran to the car and grabbed the garage remote and locked all doors, it was extreme.  I left, went to a family's empty house to dig in for the holiday.  As with other times, I would sometimes resist leaving and sleep in different rooms after a day of two same thing, a guilty woman, an understanding and accepting man.  This time she really pushed.  Other times I would go to her workplace the next day and she would ask me to come home sheepishly as though she was embarrassed, guilty and of course I wanted to be back where my everything was despite the issues.  This time she put her foot down, blocked me, I was shunned and eventually got through, we would talk in person, she would tell me it's impossible with the thoughts she had and was having, she couldn't seperate my past from us, me. She would have dreams of me having sex with an ex, me dumping her abruptly and marrying an ex, really over the top things she would say were feeling real.  We went to dinner Christmas eve, I cried, It was a lot to feel what was happening that night.  The next day back to zero and the same "ideas" of who I am and the intuition that her dreams tell her things.  I was texting her, almost bothering her and getting anger in return, I took some time.  I went to her block on New Years, she was home and I sat there in my car and was going to text her at 12 and leave, I wanted to be near her and I couldn't stay in a empty relatives house.  She called me at 11:50 and thought I would be with someone else, she told me to come in and we held eachother so tightly and sobbed together as I've never seen from her, I stayed until her son came home, we didn't want confusion when he did.  I went back to my relatives house talking while I drove, the good night I love you texts.  The next day first thing she said come over, I spent the day, wished her son a Happy New Year and he smiled.  As the day went on, I saw a look on her face that told me something bad was happening, she was fighting her demons and winning.  The next morning she said it won't work with the excuse her son just wants him and his mom only, hearing hear yell and argue was bringing up past trauma with his parents, just an excuse, but I wouldn't go against his honesty, I didn't yell and always asked her to not yell (not shut up) and she little to no control.  I know how the son sees his mom and couldn't possibly tell her she's wrong or choose my side, he's 17 and has a less than good relationship with her.  The last time we spoke in person, she said her family, her close friends said she was wrong, that my past is gone and we have love and not to make the choices she is.

It's been a week of no contact, no answer from my texts.  I've been in contact with her sister who sympathizes with me in a real way, she absolutly feels for me and understands her sister's wrongdoing.  She also has to respect her sister agreeable or not.  My love is tired, beat up, confused, misunderstood by everyone.  Her sister wants to help us, she knows us so well and the love and the issues but she is getting worn out emotionally so I will not contact either one.

I have been beat up and broken, my love has beat herself up and feels broken and low says her sister and it's true.

I shake and tremble with heart palpatations while posting this because I want my love back, I know her struggles, we know each other like no one ever has, she 43 and I'm 50 and we have the positive makings of the life together with "issues".  She isn't oblivious, she knows what the issues are, she struggles, I suffer, she suffers.  I can't give up, she is my last love. She may miss me, I can't wait too long, I don't want to.

I have faith, I have strength, I can see a time past our struggles.  I won't give up.

It's been just 7 days no contact and I

[Sandb2015]

I'm 50 years old and I'm broken in a way I can't describe.  I met a woman a few years ago, fell in love, moved in with after about a year of dating.  We were sure of what we we doing at least it looked that way.  She had a 14 year old son.  There were signs of severe mistrust and "intuitions", accusations that I had connections with past relationships.  I went through a hell time in a custody battle with a former ex and suffered 16 months of criminal charges based on false accusations, geez.  As it was ending, not well or as I was thinking with the custody battle, it eventually ended with limited visitation.  It was at this time that I felt the world was paying me back by letting me meet the love of my life.  Difficult at times but it had a sense of coming together with the "issues" and some perceived clarity after the hints of suspiciousness, mistrust, imaginary ideas of... .you name it.  She said she had trust issues, slight paranoias, suspicious mind.  I thought so what, I'm the guy that loves you, adores you, has intentions of going all the way until the end, I invisioned it, I felt it and knew who I was in this relationship.

Moved in, living together gave us the opportunity to deal with issues and get even closer.  I knew I could be a positive influence on her teenage son in any way, I didn't need to be his father, I could just be a plus in his life.  What I didn't understand at the time was the extreme volitility that existed in her prior marrage and how it affected her son.  Me and her son hit it off--did I mention I have too much empathy and could relate to this boy and he knew it and enjoyed who I was becoming.  Anyway, our relationship and lives started intertwining in the best way I never had.  The "issues" were still there at times and the intense feeling of love, connection and belonging beat out the problems.

I would see my love's face turn and twist and a topic of extreme paranoia would arise, I would deny, give in, get defensive.  It was a runaway train and had to wait for the crash.  A crash would either consist of a silent and angry time for a day of two OR getting thrown out, it always seemed to go from nothing to something without any possibility of intervention.  I always thought I could be more understanding, better listener, find ways to compensate.  Some seemed to work sometimes, sometimes not.

We were at times able to speak fairly clearly about our issues, she DID have an idea of her silent, unseen and imaginary triggers and I thought that such a step in dealing, I had hope faith, the will to keep going.  I've been that guy my whole life and I know what that means (I am a codependant, I am a people pleaser, I had a ___ty childhood with little love and abandonment issues), I shared these thing and she shared her insicurities, childhood pain, adult pains, detailed issues with her mother etc.

I thought scratching the surface was the beginning of this journey of growth, living, learning, ups and downs, the great times and the bad.  I knew a healthy and great relationship needs those things.  We would connect amazingly and it was so important that she knew I was on her side... .

The things that would bleed into our life were my past.  It would be held against me, I'd be labeled, I'd defend myself, she thought she had me pegged and would be cruel at times.  These times would have some consistantly with awesome times inbetween, I would resist walking on eggshells because I felt it affected my mood and I wanted to stop being stuck on what may come up at any time.  She was a conservitive woman that had conservative views and life that I fit into even though I could where many hats comfortably in any setting while being a genuine decent person.  What would come out of her mouth at times was shocking, cruel, almost psychotic.  I tried everything, confrontation, ignore, leave the room, I took every action to bring about a diffent response, it was the same no matter what.  She would go into a "shut down" time after these things would happen and I would tell her clearly I'm not angry, I love you, I won't abandon you.  She would feel terrible, I would see it and she would admit it.  I would ask her after a day or two if we could talk about the things she's said and typically she said she didn't remember and I would sometimes tell her some lesser things, I didn't want to rub it in her face or make her feel further guilt.

Anyway, after almost 4 years together, this last incident took place on 12/19/2018, it was as extreme as could be, I came home and all my belongings were in the garage, she asked for the key, ran to the car and grabbed the garage remote and locked all doors, it was extreme.  I left, went to a family's empty house to dig in for the holiday.  As with other times, I would sometimes resist leaving and sleep in different rooms after a day of two same thing, a guilty woman, an understanding and accepting man.  This time she really pushed.  Other times I would go to her workplace the next day and she would ask me to come home sheepishly as though she was embarrassed, guilty and of course I wanted to be back where my everything was despite the issues.  This time she put her foot down, blocked me, I was shunned and eventually got through, we would talk in person, she would tell me it's impossible with the thoughts she had and was having, she couldn't seperate my past from us, me. She would have dreams of me having sex with an ex, me dumping her abruptly and marrying an ex, really over the top things she would say were feeling real.  We went to dinner Christmas eve, I cried, It was a lot to feel what was happening that night.  The next day back to zero and the same "ideas" of who I am and the intuition that her dreams tell her things.  I was texting her, almost bothering her and getting anger in return, I took some time.  I went to her block on New Years, she was home and I sat there in my car and was going to text her at 12 and leave, I wanted to be near her and I couldn't stay in a empty relatives house.  She called me at 11:50 and thought I would be with someone else, she told me to come in and we held eachother so tightly and sobbed together as I've never seen from her, I stayed until her son came home, we didn't want confusion when he did.  I went back to my relatives house talking while I drove, the good night I love you texts.  The next day first thing she said come over, I spent the day, wished her son a Happy New Year and he smiled.  As the day went on, I saw a look on her face that told me something bad was happening, she was fighting her demons and winning.  The next morning she said it won't work with the excuse her son just wants him and his mom only, hearing hear yell and argue was bringing up past trauma with his parents, just an excuse, but I wouldn't go against his honesty, I didn't yell and always asked her to not yell (not shut up) and she little to no control.  I know how the son sees his mom and couldn't possibly tell her she's wrong or choose my side, he's 17 and has a less than good relationship with her.  The last time we spoke in person, she said her family, her close friends said she was wrong, that my past is gone and we have love and not to make the choices she is.

It's been a week of no contact, no answer from my texts.  I've been in contact with her sister who sympathizes with me in a real way, she absolutly feels for me and understands her sister's wrongdoing.  She also has to respect her sister agreeable or not.  My love is tired, beat up, confused, misunderstood by everyone.  Her sister wants to help us, she knows us so well and the love and the issues but she is getting worn out emotionally so I will not contact either one.

I have been beat up and broken, my love has beat herself up and feels broken and low says her sister and it's true.

I shake and tremble with heart palpatations while posting this because I want my love back, I know her struggles, we know each other like no one ever has, she 43 and I'm 50 and we have the positive makings of the life together with "issues".  She isn't oblivious, she knows what the issues are, she struggles, I suffer, she suffers.  I can't give up, she is my last love. She may miss me, I can't wait too long, I don't want to.

I have faith, I have strength, I can see a time past our struggles.  I won't give up.

It's been just 7 days no contact and I

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Sandb2015 and

i can hear the pain in your post, and understand how badly you want to reunite with your loved one. im glad you reached out to the family here.

when was the last time you contacted her?

[Sandb2015]

We had her birthday dinner together on the 3rd, it seemed hopeful and went downhill, that was the last time, hardly any text contact, I met with her brother in law and we agreed some time should pass. I know she fights her issues, I know how much she struggles, we do love each other, it’s painful for both of us. She is going back to her safety zone so she doesn’t have to struggle. I love her to no end and I know she is doing a form of what I’ve done most of my life, go to the safe place deep inside where you think you’re safe. I got over that many years ago.

[Skip]

Giving her space to get perspective will help. She knows you care and want to reconnect, that message is in place.

What do you think triggered the 12/19 event?

[once removed]

she offered her sons struggles as a reason to end the relationship, do i have that right? had she ever mentioned any of that before?

[Sandb2015]

An answer to both.

First, there weren't always "triggers".  The 18th was a small argument that was about nothing other than the way I speak, I'm not condescending, she takes it that way and I try to be aware and clear it's 100% not my intention. A argument about nothing, a dream that I left her abruptly saying I was going to marry my ex (the one that had significant charges put against me that I have no feelings for and I silently forgave to move on in a healthy way)overnight on 12/18.  I received a text from an ex from 6 Years ago asking for help with her daughter (teenager now that was battling depression and attempted suicide a year ago) that I had a pivotal role in bringing up.

It was a text from a stranger, I've had the number over 20 years and never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect a text from her.  I received the text and let my love know right away in order for her to see she can trust me, I won't hide anything regardless of how bad it may seem.  She wanted me to say ___ off, I don't care about your daughter.  I said don't contact me anymore, I have my own family and I can't imagine I could help.  That was enough for her to throw my stuff in the garage, not all my clothes and lock me out.  Even during the height of this mess, I reassured her that I essentially received a text from a desperate stranger and I have no emotional connection other than feeling bad for the daughter.  I didn't want to not show the text perhaps to be discovered later when she would look through my phone in addition to demanding access to my email.  I know that it's wrong so giving her access wasn't a problem, I had nothing to hide. 

[Sandb2015]

To once removed... .

I had a good relationship with her son and he started to know me and I gave him my heart.  Things changed in the last year or so, besides him becoming the typical 16 year old with all the craziness of adolescence, my love sheltered him and didn't necessarily like how me and him got along sometimes censoring the how, why and whats to conform to how she engages with him.  I always asked her when she lost her temper to not yell around him and her volume could get quite high.  I don't yell, it's work for me to yell, just not my thing.  I would sometimes apologize to him, he is sensitive like myself and reassured him we love each other and it's no big deal.  Me and her son had a different relationship from him and his mom which just added another facet, a good one, I wanted to be that anti judgemental person, the accepting one that's not in competition, just an outlet he can count on, now and always, I never interfered because of how she raised him and I didn't want to rock the boat.

He is uncomfortable, I know him and he has no choice but to pledge allegiance to his mom.  On New Years Day I asked my love if I can talk to him or if we can sit down with him to let him know we recognize him and his feelings and we will keep the noise down, she said no very strongly and I accepted that.

Yes, she is using him to some extent, I told her I care about him and we don't have to live together and still be together.  Her son is traumatized from his parents fighting and perhaps listening to us, if I go away, the stress goes away, perfectly acceptable.

She is using him and taking the easy path, not the right one.

She loves her son and the son loves his mom, they don't have a "close" relationship, it seems distant and more practical than loving, could be the culture.

[Sandb2015]

I want to thank everyone and Skip for this place where we can discuss unhealthy things in a healthy way.

I don't want to give up and as much as I know I have some abandonment issues, insecurities, plenty of imperfections, we all are and as my love's may seem less than controllable, she is the same as any of us.  I've experienced 9/11 personally, very close family deaths, a divorce and a unplanned child with serious issues attached.

The bottom line is we grow and learn in life if we are lucky, pain is the concentrated lesson and nobody wants it that way, but I still appreciate it and see it worth.  I couldn't have dealt or feel what I have or do without those painful experiences.

This situation by far exceeds all of the pain and trauma I've experienced.

[Sandb2015]

Sorry, my mind is all over the place.

There was never an issue with her son that I was aware.  I asked him less than a year ago how he felt about me and he said he didn't have any problem being in their lives and that just me and his mom seem to argue about very small things.  He had to include me in that when it was pretty clear that I wasn't the one yelling, initiating, but he probably saw me as the antagonist by default.  That makes sense to me, he's a decent kid that's not an adult.

[Sandb2015]

I am still protective of her on an anonymous board.  She is cruel, lacks empathy and forgiveness.  She has gone from a loving woman to an absolute indifferent individual.

I know I’m accepting too much and did,  Nobody should go through this.  I just see the potential and my love struggling and winning sometimes and She is the love of my life.

She has symptoms of BPD and Paranoid personality disorders.

Some slight, no symptoms and a heavy combination,. I’ve done research on both to understand.  I know it’s not me as I’ve accepted her, I know she knows there are issues with relationships she made clear. We fell in love and I’m guessing that the closer she felt, that is what triggers her symptoms.

It’s so clear and that is what is so frustrating and she knows it but angry, cruel and indifferent when an episode occurs.

[Sandb2015]

I’ve been going through this site and the parallels are unbelievable in so many areas.

I’d like to believe I’m in the correct area of bettering or reversing a breakup, she cut me off, not blocked and not responding to a simple “ I miss you “... I guess this is wishful thinking, giving her space and she’ll come around, I’m dancing the dance of denial and I’m going around and around and have lost brain cells and love potential in the process, I didn’t know tears are endless. I don’t embarrass easily, I’m 6 foot tall, decent build and I breakdown anywhere and I’m losing my mind.

[Steps31]

I would say use this time to take care of yourself.
Meditate, get a massage, reaffirm your values and core

[Sandb2015]

I wish I could, I'm stuck determined to see if this relationship will continue at all.  I can make that choice now, I can push before her window opens.  I can try to sit back and preoccupy myself with this board, music, having conversations with myself during my long commute.  It works in spurts, nothing consistent.

I cry, I cry, I breakdown, despair, all of the words can't let me rationalize what I'm feeling.  I can separate the feelings and emotions, but like cars on a highway, they pass so quickly and only the color or make left an impression.  Before I can grasp what I'm feeling, the next negative feeling pops up.  I am as lost as I can imagine, I can hardly see myself in the mirror.  I'm sleeping on a futon in a house will very loving aunt and uncle who are trying (my aunt heads a al-anon meeting for over 20 years) to give me advice, it's not connecting. I doubled my commute getting kicked out.  Our bed together was my sanity, my peace, my souls home.  My aunt and uncle are in their 70's and this situation is tough on them also.  I have no outlet or escape, I don't really eat or sleep and I'm barely able to very loosely gather my marbles.

It's been said that I should give some time to see, her family is/on her case explaining how they see things, everybody know who and how I am and how good I am for my love.  All the back and forth is taking it's toll on everyone and mostly my love with her struggles, I understand how tired she is, probably hurting almost as bad as me.

[once removed]

it does sound as though there were some significant conflicts in the relationship. these things can simmer. they may not feel like a big deal to us. to our partners, they can be a mountain, with a lot boiling under the surface.

what is important right now is to fixate, focus that energy, on what is within your control. if she came back tomorrow, you would need to be prepared. the tools here can help as much for your current emotional state as they can in the relationship long term.

what do you think?

[Sandb2015]

I pushed (fought for what I believed), got blocked, unblocked and met at her job briefly to mixed reviews.  She unblocked me for Christmas, never blocked me before and we had an awkward Christmas eve dinner and we saw each other the next day, asked me to leave about 4 and I spiraled out and drove around.  She again asked for NC and I still sent texts about love and understanding and nothing nice in return... .Anyway, I went to her block on New Years eve and sat there for about 2 hours, got tired of driving around and her light was on.  I was going to wait to 12 and text her and see what happens, she calls me at 11:50 and thought I was with some ex or something ridiculous, she was surprised I was there and we sobbed while holding each other together for what felt like an eternity with a sense of something real and meaningful, possibly a crossroads.  I left about 2 hours later before her son came home(another issue) and floated back to my aunt's home.  New years day, she said come over and we spent the day and it started to turn a little grey but without an episode.  She went to sleep and I left, very uncomfortable as we shared that same bed for 3 years.  The next morning she texted me that it can't work, she doesn't want me, can't trust me and I must give up and her son doesn't want me there, the son thing is BS.  I texted, talked, pleaded and went to see her that night at work to a cold civilized person that said she has to do something after work and I shouldn't have come.  Walked her to the car and she asked if we could eat together? Of course, but cold distant and kept repeating that I must move on, I'm killing you, you look like s**t, I didn't overreact.  Walked closely back to the car and seat belt and kiss as always and told her I made reservations for her birthday the next night (1/3), she agreed coldly with distance, no answers to my texts after that.  Next day meet at her job, same cold distant attitude and despite my levity, quietness for calmness, she seemed to turn at dinner and started with some really far out accusations, impossible to defend, just far out and her episode started and we left, drove her back to her car and zero since, just her saying to give up, she's going dating soon and to leave her sister alone, her sister believes in our relationship and may be bugging her sister to snap out of her behavior like the rest of the family.  Today is the 9th and I sent her a text last night so unlike my style that simply said, "I miss you".  No response.

I want to run to her, go to her job, call, text.  I will have to wait to see and the problem is I know she is thinking of me and my mind plays tricks.  I need to give her some space no matter how much It is breaking me.  All my insecurities tell me that if I don't reach out, there's no chance.  All my paranoia's tell me that she has absolutely moved on, I'm not myself and I have developed a temporary issue myself it seems.

[Sandb2015]

There's no question you're correct, I do think about why she'd come back and what I need to do, I've labeled and judged instead of understanding that it's a disease and not her as a person.  I want a healthy change and I can precipitate that because my want is that great!

I've never been cut off in such a way and I can't answer the "why".  The potential further damage of not being together feels overwhelming.  The idea that she will come around seams scary.

I can't focus without thinking of her and how I feel and trying desperately not to project what I think she is thinking and feeling about us and me.

Dammit, I can't separate.  My mind wants to disconnect into a maybe this and a maybe that, I'm also extremely paranoid that as she cruises a dating app, she is serious this time as opposed to last time she wanted to cut me deep.  Her sister tells me she has no intention of dating anyone, she's warn out and tired right now and she doesn't seem how it could work with us.

I have hope, despair and every terrible feeling that would probably break a different person.  I have to think she is feeling similar and understand.

Is that also hope?

[Sandb2015]

I should believe her sister, I don't and that is wearing me down.  I'm struggling with a vivid sense of imagination in a very negative way because this is probably outside my field of grasp.  Everything is playing on my insecurities, fears, negativity, paranoia.  I usually have those things in control in such a rational way, there's nothing rational here.

Again, I am trying to focus that she is in a similar state except for the I miss you, I love you, I want to run to you and die with you ideas... .

[once removed]

it would be a good idea to both see a therapist, and make an appointment to see your doctor.

i dealt with ruminations in the aftermath of my relationship too. they can be all consuming. you cant see up. we can help walk you through some of it, but we cant get your body back in sorts, and getting centered is really critical going forward.

what do you think? can you make those appointments?

[Sandb2015]

I see my primary care physician every 3 months, I have an appointment on 1/28.  I will tell her what's happening and ask for a sedative, clonapin, valium, something like that, nothing more until I see how this plays out. I don't feel so depressed that a long term scrip is needed.

I will try with every cell to get her to go to couples counseling, I want us to be better, I want to be better and of course her.

I detailed how the facets of emotions are spinning. 

[once removed]

I need to give her some space no matter how much It is breaking me.  All my insecurities tell me that if I don't reach out, there's no chance. 

i can certainly relate to that. anxiety can push us to act, and often in self sabotaging ways. one of the things that friends and family would tell me is that its not as if i wasnt allowed to contact my ex. i could contact her any time i wanted. but now clearly wasnt a good time.

space is your friend here... .it will help both of you.

[Sandb2015]

I will focus on that and hope she sees that as important as her issues are, I am the one that will hold her hand through life while we find a better, higher hill to exist on with help.

I know I can't fix her, that would be foolish, I did arrogantly think and act like we know what it is, be stronger... .yuck, that was such bs.

As patient as I am, I lost it at times replaced with "normal reactions".  I sit now with a clarity that I could have done better and I actually went as far as I did which I won't feel bad about.

[Sandb2015]

I may have to break my fingers or phone not to reach out.

[once removed]

As patient as I am, I lost it at times replaced with "normal reactions".  I sit now with a clarity that I could have done better and I actually went as far as I did which I won't feel bad about.

this will/should be an important focus - part of what i talked about in terms of if she came back tomorrow, and you needing to be prepared. there have been a number of makeup/breakup cycles, and those can do successive damage to a relationship, so in order to give a reunion its best shot, you will need a very different game plan, and youll want to dive into the tools here as soon as youre able. its not easy to do when we are in the thick of things.

[Sandb2015]

I do have an insight to a different perspective now regarding the ultimatum thing.

It will be a humbling experience to somehow get back together and with that said, I do need tools and she will feel their usage.

[2020]

Hello Sandb2015. I have read all of your troubles and just wanted to add that it runs to an extremely similar script to my own life. I am 52 and my partner is seven years younger than me too. We have been in a relationship for a similar time frame. I don't want to deviate from your story, but perhaps the similarities might help you feel not so alone.

I had an email recently from my ex, the mother of my children. It was a simple message that someone in a band I liked had died. I had not heard from her for years and have no contact. It sent my partner into orbit! I have been accused for years of still being in relationship with her. No amount of reason will change this. I have felt so trapped in a reality which doesn't exist. And I also have the child dynamic in a way not unlike what you experience.

Since around Christmas my partner went missing. I went totally insane as a result. Like you, I was heartbroken and seriously ill from it. She is the love of my life too. I have had three relationships in my life. I have lost my Mother, had close friends die, even buried my own baby daughter. Nothing has compared to this grief. These are intense relationships, aren't they? What is the fascination, the attraction, the addiction here? It is very powerful stuff.

My partner is recovering in a psych ward after three suicide attempts since just before Christmas. Yesterday I spoke to her on the phone and it was like speaking to a different person, a loving gentle person, even beyond what I had ever seen with her. So my situation has changed, just like that. Yesterday I was in a therapy session bawling my eyes out; today I am sending flowers. And that is the point. They can switch so easily. It is either black or white.

It is very important for you to hold it together and educate yourself. I know, just feeding yourself or even breathing can be difficult under these circumstances. The time may come soon when your relationship is suddenly on again and you need to be armed with the tools it will take to deal with it. You need to be the adult in the relationship; the leader. It is frustrating trying to reason with them; trying to change them. But we can change what we do. We have a huge amount of control over that. Download some books and read them. Use the lessons on this site. Read the experiences of others. Watch some videos.

I do understand what you are going through. When you get around 50 you really just want something nice to work out for you. Last week I was seriously suicidal over this sort of thing. When the relationship is looking like it is slipping away, it knocks you around severely! Hang in there. It will be a rough ride. You will be going through emotional Vietnam and back! If you do some serious work on yourself, you will be in a better condition all round, for you and your relationship.

Today, just try and focus on yourself. My son got me to watch three series of Fargo. It helped take my mind of things a little. Try and rest and recuperate. It is possible you will get another bite at this, and you need to be ready to handle it. Take care of yourself and keep us updated.

[Sandb2015]

Thank you so much for sharing, I’m so tired, physically and emotionally which is calming me down a bit. I don’t know what tomorrow brings and the love of my life may not know what I’m willing to do for her, us and me. 

Can you share what was occurring during the times of accusations or imagined reality. I really felt like I was the only one before signing on here.

I know it’s a big thing to ask.

[2020]

Hi again,

The main things were accusations about being in a relationship with my ex, the mother of my children. That was a very bad relationship which I was never happy in. It was 16 years of hell, pure hell. I suspect I was love bombed by a BPD. These accustaions have gone on for the past five years. It has got to the point where this happens almost daily. It started pretty much three weeks after the intense relationship began. We even went to counselling and she insisted it was true. It is her number one weapon of choice. Whether she means it as such or not, I do not know.

We were laughing and joking around once when I related a story to her. I mentioned that I was in a NA meeting once, where a woman said she heard you can get two girls for $50 across the river near the rural store! She has insisted that is what I am doing when I am 15 minutes late from picking my son up from school. The sexual infidelity accusations are consistent. I can't even take my computer into be serviced without being told I am having sex in the back room. I am just not that type of person.

Then there are the emails... .When I hooked up with her, the first task she got to was totally forbiding me any contact with the mother of my children. We had some vague idea of shared care but it really meant she would have my youngest son for a night every few months. The emails had to stop. I had to ignore phone calls or all hell would break loose. I wanted so much to be with my new partner! I had spent 10 years alone with no intimacy whatsoever. And so there I was, without telepathic powers, unable to even get a night off every two months.

There are abandonment accusations. Things like how I am trying to get rid of her. Usually after sex the night before, the next day she asks if I still like her. I answer that I love her. She seems to want reassurance but cannot believe me or trust me. Even though I am accused of abandoning her, she abandons me. She runs off. Just simply disappears. She drinks alone somewhere. Sometimes she returns in quite a mess.

She has become very violent. She has bitten me several times. Punched, kicked, scratched my face, pulled my ears. I have spoilt her rotten with extravagant gifts, especially on her birthday. Over time she has destroyed ALL of them. I am an illustrator. I have this drawing I have been adding to. It is of all the things she has smashed. I am running out of room. I hope I don't need to add another piece of paper to it.

She has isolated me from my family. We spend our life in our room. My two sons are in their rooms. I cannot even cook a meal without sarcastic comments about me being a slave and them being paralysis ticks. Everyone now cooks for themselves and eats alone in their bedrooms. I of course I get told I am running a boarding house for old men!

I cannot take my kids anywhere. If I do, she will be gone when I return. My youngest son is autistic. She calls him a spastic or a mongoloid. She believes he is plotting to poison her, and recently I have been told I am in on it too. Apparently I have an army against her.

My ex changed her name a while back. It is a name which could also be a male name, if you know what I mean. She has checked my emails a lot. She thinks that the changed name is so we can communicate undetected by her; that we have a dirty little secret. Often when I walk out of the room to make us coffee, I will come back and she would have left via the window. She will have left an email from years ago on my screen; an email from my ex. No amount of 'JADE'-ing will help! EDIT: I just remembered... .my sister has had a baby boy. Of all the names in the World, she has chosen the name my ex changed her name to! Can you imagine the   that has caused!

Being late is extremely dangerous! Don't ever be late! This has caused me so much grief. This is one of those things we CAN do to make life easier.

Look, there is heaps more to this sorry tale... .I am sure you get the general idea. I have seriously treated her like a princess. I go above and beyond what any woman would consider nice. I rarely return from a shop without a gift. I always open the car door for her like a gentleman. I have tried so very hard, but the bar keeps getting raised.

Yes I am feeling relieved she is wanting to resume a relationship with me, but I am feeling a lot of worry about how to proceed. These relationships are intense! The love can be astronomical, but the flip side is we may pay for that in tears. I suppose it might be like having an unusual car... .like something exotic, REALLY exotic. A Messerschmitt perhaps? What an experience! But you are in trouble when they break down!

From my perspective, with you, I can't see your partner in a relationship with another man lasting. Nobody else would put up with it. It is likely your partner might be back. It could be a cycle. Try to make use of this winter. Gather strength and keep yourself warm. Perhaps my perception is skewed today. I have just been painted white again. Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees.

[Weejie]

Sandb2015,
Hi, we are going through a similar turmoil. Some parallels here are uncanny, both with your pwBPD and your previous life experiences. Like you, I felt that this was something experienced only by me until I came on here and read some posts. Just look after yourself and let time be your friend.
However things turn out, remember not to feel guilty or ashamed that you gave everything through love.

[Sandb2015]

I’m not ashamed, I do feel a little guilty after reading here, I am sitting apart from her and I could have been non reactive or a lot less reactive. I do feel that as much as she blew up, I did the same and made it mean more than it did.

[2020]

Yes, but you were not aware of BPD then, correct? It took me five years to figure it out. It might not be that useful to look back in hindsight at what you should have done differently. Now you have some awareness you can educate yourself and learn how to move into the future. There may be another chance perhaps. These are beneficial things to learn regardless of whether we are dealing with a BPD person or not. Don't be too harsh on yourself. I have been there often myself, even recently.