Help with restoring a relationship with my BPD Ex

[j87]

Thanks Once Removed,

Yea, I think you’re right. Unfortunately I think thats where I should have been at 2 weeks ago. So chances are pretty low. I will just maintain some distance.

Contrary to some BPD behavior I think I’ve never been devalued that much in the end, so at least I have that. Maybe posting some stuff on instagram will spark some interest.

When I met her she had just ended a traveling job, so was rarely in the city and had less friends. I gave her the comfort and safety to build up a good life here. So now I think she has less of a use for me. She basically charms all the guys around her, so maybe if I just show her I’m moving on there will be some motivation on her part.

Part of me just wants to avoid being in a relationship with someone so dysfunctional, but her passion was so addictive. I would really be devastated to know that she was seeing someone new, because I know she would prioritize them completely in the beginning. But it would take them a long time to even realize her issues. So maybe her knowing that I’m someone who accepts  her many sides is something she would not want to lose. Or she want to avoid confronting that all together. I guess speculating will get me nowhere.

Thanks for all your advice.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[once removed]

Maybe posting some stuff on instagram will spark some interest.
... .
so maybe if I just show her I’m moving on there will be some motivation on her part.

maybe. tactically, theyre all good moves that may or may not have some effect.

i want to stress though, that the more it becomes a part of your internal mindset, and becomes more about you, the stronger position youre going to be in.

[j87]

Thanks,

Ugh, I think I may have made a big mistake... .

She watched my instagram story last night, which was good.
But I accidentally watched hers. I don’t know if that was a big deal?

But, I freaked out, disabled my account for 2 hours this morning thinking that it would reverse it. It didn’t, but if there’s a chance she saw she would have thought I blocked her and been utterly devistated, probably would have deleted my number. And  there’s a big chance because her story said her phone wasn’t working for the next day and to contact her on instagram.

 I have a habit of obsessing. I hope I’m not overreacting?

I will keep on the course of focusing on myself and waiting for her to reach out. And changed my phone background to remind myself to not do this type of thing. This feels unforgivable to me.

[Purplex]

Hi J,

I understand that you are upset and afraid that your actions are going to have a negative impact on your relationship and your chances to reconnect.

But don't beat yourself up, you paniked and acted a bit prematurely but you didn't mean any harm and in case she gets offended you will still be able to explain that it was merely a misunderstanding.  
And as you said, you don't even know yet if she took any notice of you beeing unavailable on instagram so i'd suggest to wait and see if there is any reaction at all.

I don’t know if that was a big deal?

Nah I don't think so. Did you plan to ignore her stories to create some space for you? If so, it can be helpful to stick to these plans because it enforces the boudaries you set to protect yourself. If not i can't see any issue with it especially because you didn't even do it on purpose.

And changed my phone background to remind myself to not do this type of thing.

This is a good idea to reinforce those protective boundaries as well.

This feels unforgivable to me.

I think this is totally forgivable. It was an honest mistake, nothing more. Please try to forgive yourself as well.  

[j87]

Thanks, yea no reaction yet, so it’s probably fine.

I have a gut feeling that she is moving on, has been lonely long enough to find someone new. Is perhaps hiding something, hence the sudden indifference. The whole out of sight out of mind thing too. She used to confide in me and call after the breakup. I don’t think it would be easy for someone undiagnosed to want to mend a broken relationship for too long.

What does one do if there if this suddenly happens. Do you give up? Try to see if they will keep you in there life in hopes of romance. Or is a new love affair too much of a high to return to a more mature relationship that needs healing?

I’ve been trying to grieve through this process but I’ve never been happier in a relationship before despite the turmoil towards the end. I guess reconciliation has a slim chance huh?

[j87]

Final Update:

I spoke to her today three times on the phone.

She was cold, uninterested in me first time. I called again to clarify her feelings. She said she did not want to talk or hang out, and that maybe we could be friends but that we were never friends in the first place. Its my belief friendship is the foundation of all relationships, apparently not her. I called one last time to say I would always love her and care about her. She is an entirely different person, one I never met before. Said she had love for me like anyone else in the world. Not a special love. Said that I should leave her alone for good. Extremely cold hearted, angry, and detached, as if my existence and our half year relationship was completely nothing. I am glad that I am done. Someone with undiagnosed BPD seems like they will never love until they love themselves. Destroying hearts seems like a pastime to her. I have empathy for her pain and will always care, but I do not need this in my life. I feel like I entered a dream and exited a nightmare. At least it didn’t last any longer.

Is this the par for BPD? Can someone make sense of this? She could not give an ounce of sympathy or compassion, as if I have a disorder. I don’t think my heart is broken anymore. I think I left with it intact. Sadly hers will remain broken until she seeks help

[Purplex]

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of this and that things didn't end up the way you were hoping for.
Her unability to remember anything good about you or your relationship and her indifference towards your feelings sounds a lot like devaluation to me. I am lucky in that my pwBPD never acted that way, but I can imagine how devastating it must be to be treated like that by a loved one.

Someone with undiagnosed BPD seems like they will never love until they love themselves.

I have empathy for her pain and will always care, but I do not need this in my life.

This is probably true and it speaks volumes about your own ability to love yourself that you came to that conclusion!

I wish you the best and keep us updated if you like, there is also a whole board dedicated to coping with and recovering from a failed relationship.

[j87]

Thanks,

Its possible she thought I blocked her instagram and had a maor episode. I feel guilty. She has not blocked me and it is back to normal. I wish we could have ended on a good note. Its really frightening to be the target of such hatred. I’m afraid to even hang out in her neighborhood. I’m legitimately scared, I don’t know if she did this to other exes. I did not think 6 months could take a 180 in one day. Her pain must be so extreme. I will explore those boards.

My friend told me maybe I needed this to move on. I’m so ashamed how something so innocent could become utterly toxic. I have so much sympathy for non partners and BPD affected people. I wish mental health was educstes to the general population to prevent such hurt. Its a travesty.

Thank you for all of your support.

[Radcliff]

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RC