Understanding his actions

[BPDloveishard]

It is a long story, but aren’t they all. He and I have been fighting since he left me on vacation to go see his other lovers. He is now living in another city where his other lovers live. It is essentially a triad with bdsm kink,characteristics. He thinks he is polygamous but as soon as his relationship with them started he turned ours off.  I say that, that’s not true, he stopped idolizing me and switched that to them. I call this his leather boy persona. He isn’t violent but he has anger that is disproportionate to the situation. With me he is very critical of everything I do and constantly throws out little barbs.

A few weeks ago I asked that we have no communication except for financial matters. I,suspect,this angers him because he was able to keep me on the emotional roller coaster from a long distance. This weekend I took some friends, they are his friends too, to,the lake house. I don’t want him to know anything I’m doing so I asked them not to Facebook post and I unplugged the nest camera. They texted him when they got home and he immediately asked how the lake was. The only way we could figure out he knew was to look at some of the apps we are all on, which is a bit stalker like.

My thought is in order to maintain the leather boy persona he needs to find reasons to be angry at me. Therefore he is electronically stalking me in order to find reasons to be angry. We also have a camera at the house I live in which I tiers off most of the time when I have guests. He said he would disconnect that app from his phone but I don’t trust that.

I only recently discovered BPD and it fits him so well. He doesn’t know I suspect he has this. He is very successful and is a high functioning BPD. We’ve been together for 11 years and I think we will get a divorce.

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[formflier]

Wow... .that was quite a story to read.  I imagine it was much harder to actually experience those events.

I want to assure you that you have found a safe place to discuss BPD and all the issues that go with it.  I remember well the head spinning and the grasping at information after I first heard about BPD.

Please be kind to yourself  Self care is critical. 

As a user of nest products I suspect he quickly realized one was unplugged.  He then put some educated guesses together that it was you and friends that did it.  I further suspect that your friends honored your request not to inform him of the lake, yet I bet they unintentionally changed texted patterns or some such thing that tipped him off that something was odd.

So... .unplugged nest camera at lake... .friends communicating somewhat differently... .connect some dots...   pwBPD (people with BPD) are very VERY sensitive of their surroundings. 

I'm not saying this is what happened for sure... just it is very likely.

What leads you to think you will divorce?

I'll be back soon to read your reply.

FF

[Frankee]

He thinks he is polygamous but as soon as his relationship with them started he turned ours off.

He isn’t violent but he has anger that is disproportionate to the situation.

Therefore he is electronically stalking me in order to find reasons to be angry.

He is very successful and is a high functioning BPD.

I am sorry to hear you are going through all of this.  It is never easy when dealing with these types of emotional rollercoasters.

I can understand where you are coming from.  My bph and I are currently in a whirlwind of him wanting to be polygamous and wanting more kids.  I got upset about running late a couple mornings ago and he used it to start an all out fight about stuff that had been "bothering" him when he gets mad I bring up stuff bothering me.  Then he threw in my face a comment I made of FB a couple weeks ago about being done having kids on something a friend shared and I am like what the heck are you talking about?  Most people that meet us today, will probably never guess he can be the way he is sometimes when he is emotionally deregulating.

I decided to disconnect from social media.  I realize that apps like FB are highly addicting and very hard not to get pulled into scrolling, commenting, liking, participating in drama.  Truth is, we may end up going out separate ways in the future.  Our last fight really opened my eyes to how we have become to value different things.  What he wants isn't truly lining up with what I want.  It is sad to think after everything we have gone through and recovered from, we may split because he wants a "second" wife and to have more kids, when I am honestly done.

How are you feeling that you would to move forward in this relationship?