Are you a mind reader either?

[Frankee]

I sit here, not knowing what to do.  My bph is pulling his nonsense again.  He's "clearly upset" and "blaming" me for losing his stuff.  He told me this "y'all always lose my stuff, I'm not taking the blame for stuff going missing, that you're full of resentment and womanly pride, I don't like who you are becoming, you should of held on 5 more minutes and I would had found my tie, instead you make a smart a$$ comment about hanging up my own stuff, fine I will take care of myself and I don't need you anymore."

The past month, I have kept a lot of my comments in check because I didn't want to upset him, I asked him a question and "wrecked" the mood of going out.  I could take my pick from current problems that could be the source.  Then he gets mad because I don't know the "real" problem. 

He doesn't like the way I act now when he "gets upset".  Instead of cowering and acting like a church mouse, I say something.  I attempted to help find his tie and he just snarled at me about how it's my fault it went missing.  He's still mad that I accused him of spending money behind my back.  He got frustrated because he lost control of the finances.  I got mad and said "where's the money going".  We were fighting.

I could take my pick from problems, the adoption falling through on the oldest, his last name still isn't changed, his name isn't on the youngest's birth certificate, I have melanoma and don't know how serious and had to push the appt back because of finances, the way I am "behaving" differentially and he doesn't like it.

I see him as an adolescent teenager who is mad at his mom for not understanding what he's going through. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[snowglobe]

Dear Frankee,
I’m so sorry you that you have to deal with your pwBPD disregulation on top of your health scare and other issues. It is certainly a lot to deal with simultaneously. Other members have helped me through some hard times by explaining the kitchen sink analogy. When many issues are compressed into a single ball, it’s hard to think of priorities and the manner to resolve them. My question for you is- if you had to rank all of the above mentioned issues, what order would they be in?

[Frankee]

The easiest to resolve is his name not on the youngest birth certificate.  I need to wait until this Friday when I get paid to send off a check.  I am doing it right when I get paid. 

Monday I was planning on dropping off the paperwork at the courts to get the oldest one's name changed.  There is a application to have court fees waived I am going to file too.  It will be first on my list, but will take one of the longest.

Friday I also have my PET scan to try to detect any other cancer cells or if it is just in my back and have my lymph nodes tested.  I will get the results back until about 3 days after.

I already took control of the finances again.  His problem was he wouldn't write anything down.  He calculated it in his head and it became too much.  I am also able to pick up my books Monday for my nursing classes and then the follow week, I start classes. 

I am worried that instead of having a partner, someone that I can count on, I may end up with a husband who is more concerned about what people are posting on Facebook and whether or not everyone is going out to party.  He never use to be all up on Facebook, which I really liked.  My priorities may be mixed up but it may be what I think is a priority, doesn't seem to match his.

I know he's gotten better, but I still feel a weight that he is still putting a lot on my shoulders.  It doesn't matter if his comment he doesn't like who I am becoming was out of frustration or anger.  I do like who I am becoming.  I haven't felt this good in a very long time and he isn't going to bring me down again.

[snowglobe]

The easiest to resolve is his name not on the youngest birth certificate.  I need to wait until this Friday when I get paid to send off a check.  I am doing it right when I get paid. 

Monday I was planning on dropping off the paperwork at the courts to get the oldest one's name changed.  There is a application to have court fees waived I am going to file too.  It will be first on my list, but will take one of the longest.

Friday I also have my PET scan to try to detect any other cancer cells or if it is just in my back and have my lymph nodes tested.  I will get the results back until about 3 days after.

I already took control of the finances again.  His problem was he wouldn't write anything down.  He calculated it in his head and it became too much.  I am also able to pick up my books Monday for my nursing classes and then the follow week, I start classes. 

I am worried that instead of having a partner, someone that I can count on, I may end up with a husband who is more concerned about what people are posting on Facebook and whether or not everyone is going out to party.  He never use to be all up on Facebook, which I really liked.  My priorities may be mixed up but it may be what I think is a priority, doesn't seem to match his.

I know he's gotten better, but I still feel a weight that he is still putting a lot on my shoulders.  It doesn't matter if his comment he doesn't like who I am becoming was out of frustration or anger.  I do like who I am becoming.  I haven't felt this good in a very long time and he isn't going to bring me down again.

Dear Frankee,
You are certainly evolving and changing from who you were and where you are coming from. This evolution isn’t welcome by your h, in fact, he is frightened and intimidated by it. Based on your shared history, perhaps it isn’t a bad idea to anticipate him making things more difficult for you to get on your feet and independent of who he projects you to be. I too struggle with the same issues in my marriage. Someone on this forum suggested to read “controlling people” by Patricia, it was an eye opener for me. I could see how my h was projecting a Teddy reflection on to me. Something that has very little to do with the “real world me”. It gave me understanding and knowledge, which in part inhibited me from lashing back at my h.

[Frankee]

I will have to attempt to get the book.  It's difficult to spend money without him knowing.  He's also upset that I act differently when he gets that way. 

It's difficult because I see what he is doing when he acts that way.   I know he's expecting me to act a certain way and when it doesn't line up, he makes it very clear he doesn't like it.  I know I am still not 100% great at dealing with his fits, but I try to give myself credit for handling them better.

It's really hard.  I can see plain as day that when I say certain things or behave a certain way, it causes negative reactions in him.  Part of me want to pacify and soothe while the other part of me knows that I didn't do anything really wrong.  I try to remember the extinction burst.  I know his threats are idle and an attempt to have me either act how I use to or keep me in check.  I do believe he's use to controlling things (especially me) and part of him can probably see it's going away.

It's a mental challenge attempting to become who I know I can be and at the same time, still be sensitive to him and his needs.  Especially when he seems to feel both aren't coinciding.