I put up with too much for too long

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I put up with too much for too long. I was in denial despite hearing the truth from a therapist I was secretly seeing. She was the only one I confided in. I was truly an enabler though.

One of my young adults has psychological issues because of the years of turmoil and hypocrisy, and it's been a long slow road for me and my other young adult. I encourage myself in the fact that we have come a long way and are on the right path. None of us are substance abusers, and all are doing well with school and work. My melt-down days are few and far between.

He talked about leaving for over a decade, but no one around us knew. His suicide attempt woke up everyone who knows us, and then when he left again, it was clear without saying a thing that we had a very troubled relationship. I've chosen not to talk about it with other than a small handful of people.

That said, I don't live in the past. Our situation is tough at times (low income), and I am probably facing a bitter divorce in 2019 not initiated by me. There is much good in our lives though. We have food on the table and a roof over our heads in a safe neighborhood. We've learned a lot of life lessons. We have friends who love us and are there for us 24/7.

[MeandThee29]

Mod note: This discussion was split from this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333148.0

I put up with too much for too long. I was in denial despite hearing the truth from a therapist I was secretly seeing. She was the only one I confided in. I was truly an enabler though.

One of my young adults has psychological issues because of the years of turmoil and hypocrisy, and it's been a long slow road for me and my other young adult. I encourage myself in the fact that we have come a long way and are on the right path. None of us are substance abusers, and all are doing well with school and work. My melt-down days are few and far between.

He talked about leaving for over a decade, but no one around us knew. His suicide attempt woke up everyone who knows us, and then when he left again, it was clear without saying a thing that we had a very troubled relationship. I've chosen not to talk about it with other than a small handful of people.

That said, I don't live in the past. Our situation is tough at times (low income), and I am probably facing a bitter divorce in 2019 not initiated by me. There is much good in our lives though. We have food on the table and a roof over our heads in a safe neighborhood. We've learned a lot of life lessons. We have friends who love us and are there for us 24/7.

[JNChell]

Thanks for joining in, M&T29. I think that many of us here put up with too much for too long. It never fails to astound me how many of the members here were able to last so long in some of their relationships. Decades! I was only with S4’s mom for four years. And that was on/off. Though, not all, most of my relationships have ended up being dysfunctional. I really yearn to know what it’s like to be in a “normal” relationship. Boring almost sounds attractive to me.  No kidding!

I admire what you’ve done and what you’re doing. Also, bringing it here is a big help to everyone. Even the lurkers. We see you!

I imagine that the divorce has you somewhat anxious. That’s understandable. It will arrive and you’ll get through it. You’re a strong person.

You know, money is money. I could go into my thoughts about money further, but this isn’t a philosophical forum, for the most part, so I’ll stay on point with this. As you said, you provide a roof in a safe area, food and the necessary things for you and your family. You should be proud of yourself for that. In my estimation your head should be held high with your shoulders postured back because you’re rocking at life. (Insert high 5 emoji here). I was debt free, had a 750 credit score and was making good money when I met S4’s mom. I’ve since filed bankruptcy and I live in a glorified apartment (a townhouse with upstairs neighbors that apparently have very heavy feet). That’s what it is for me right now. It’s ok. I have a cozy place to spend time with my son. Lack of money and things like that doesn’t mean that he and I will stop making memories together. It doesn’t mean that I stop doing my damndest to try to teach him what values and virtues are. If anything, maybe these things are best taught with a slice of humble pie.

My parents had money. Corvettes, Cadillacs and sis and I were showered in gifts. Christmas morning was crazy. What my parents didn’t have was good character. In fact, they were sick abusive monsters. I’ll take less material for more love, nurturing and warmth any day. You’re doing a great job M&T29. 

[Mutt]

Hi MeandThee29,

He talked about leaving for over a decade, but no one around us knew. His suicide attempt woke up everyone who knows us, and then when he left again, it was clear without saying a thing that we had a very troubled relationship. I've chosen not to talk about it with other than a small handful of people.

It’s hard to see what’s really going when you’re in the thick of it. It’s not easy when your self worth and self esteem are really low in the r/s and a pwBPD can cause a lot of distractions.

It’s easier to see things for what they once that you’ve spent some time out of the r/s and away from the other person. We also call it FOG the FOG slowly lifts after the breakup and you can start seeing the forest for the trees.

[Lucky Jim]

I put up with too much for too long.

Join the club, M&T29!  Most of us Nons, including me, have done the same thing.

I encourage myself in the fact that we have come a long way and are on the right path.

I admire your courage M&T.  Yes, you are on the right path.  I'm here to confirm that it's possible to find greater happiness after leaving a BPD r/s, which is what it's all about in my view.

LuckyJIm