BPD mom continuing to disrupt my life

[Sad4Her]

Hi,
So it's been a few months since I've posted. I apologize if anyone did not hear a response from me. For anyone reading my post for the first time, let me explain. I will try to make a long story short. I am a 46 year old woman with a BPD mom. My life has not been my own due to this.  My husband and I have been wanting to move out of state for quite a long time but were never able to because my mom lived in the apartment in our home and I always felt responsible for her. Eventually, she became just too much to bare and I knew it was detrimental to both my health and marriage if we continued like this.  knew that it would be impossible for me to get her to move out without some help for me to stay strong. I finally started therapy about a year ago and my wonderful therapist kept me strong through this most stressful and devastating time in my life. It was not pretty getting her out. I felt like I was evicting a squatter. However, I got through it and moved out of state. I knew my life would not go back to normal because she was now living with a friend and, of course, I know that she is absolutely impossible to be around even for a hour. So, this is why I didn't post in a few months. I just wanted to forget the struggle and enjoy the short period I had before the storm. Now the storm has come. My mom's friend has called me and complained about my mom's behavior, especially about her outbursts and tantrums. She wants her to move out. I told her that she needs to speak to my mom and give her a time frame to leave. However, I know that my mom will not go easily as she had not done for me. My anxieties and fears have now come back. My first fear is that my mom doesn't become so erratic that her friend calls the police on her. Aside from worrying how bad that would be for my mom, I'm ashamed to admit that I'm more worried about the embarrassment for me. So, I have now looked for some group therapies for family members of BPD but I keep running into obstacles. First, it's extremely hard to find a group for family members instead of the BPD person and secondly, I keep running into the issue of them wanting your family member to be diagnosed BPD. However, anyone who has dealt with a BPD family member knows that a lot of the time, they will not get help because they won't admit to being sick. Does anyone know if I can call my mom's doctor and speak with her about it? I'm assuming they would not be able to speak to me. I just don't know where to turn anymore. My therapist is great but even she has told me that she has no knowledge in dealing with BPD and wouldn't know where to begin. She can only help me with my side of it.

[chronsweet]

So, I know you responded to my post so I am going to share a little incite that has helped me in my struggles with issues dealing with other people.  I learned this from years of reading how to escape a relationship with a narcissist alcoholic (who is the father of my child).  You cannot control people, you did not cause them to be or do the things they have done and it is not your responsibility.  You have the power to dictate how you want your relationships to be and you do not have to tell anyone else what that relationship looks like.

From an outside perspective, you are not responsible for the choice your mom's current roommate is in.  She let your mom move in for her own reasons and however that relationship plays out, it is their dance to dance.  Not yours.

The only responsibility you have for this situation is for yourself and how you decide to do the dance.

I have been listening to Healing the Shame That Bind You by John Bradshaw.  It is some really powerful stuff.  When growing up with a person who constantly criticizes and makes you responsible for their well being, it does some very mind boggling things to our sense of self and the shame we carry around from being raised by them.

I am with you in that my mother views me as an extension of herself.  She does not view me as an individual.  But you know what, I do and I know I am my own person.  I am owning myself and my own feelings.  I am owning that I can extract myself or I can remain enmeshed and entangled.  I have been struggling my entire life to get out of the guilt-based net wrapped around my soul.  I have made the choice to be free. 

How do you want to live your life?  How do you view a normal relationship with your mom?  Do you think you will ever have a normal relationship with her?  If not, can you live with that for the rest of your life?   

[Harri]

Hi and welcome back. 

Congratulations on the move.  I remember it was a big change for you and I am glad you were able to follow through.   I am also sorry your mom is now running into difficulty with her friend and living situation.

Do you feel it is your responsibility to fix the issues between your mom and her roommate?  What do you think you can do, even if you could find a group therapy situation? 

BTW, chronsweet said a lot of what I wanted to say. 

Talk with us here Sad4her.   

[Sad4Her]

Hi Chronsweet and Harri,
Sorry, I didn't see these posts till I came on today. I usually get email notifications but didn't this time. I'll have to go in and check my settings. Chronsweet, thank you for all the good advice. I will download that book and start reading it today! It's not that I want to fix everything for my mom, I feel horrible to say that but I'm so over her antics. Honestly, my fears come from, and have always come from, the embarrassment she causes me and the stress. Unfortunately, no matter how much we know we are not responsible for someone else's behaviors, we are still judged for it. I would love to find a group therapy just to be able to not feel so alone and learn how to handle things better, with the guide of a therapist versed in these issues. On another note, I'm so angry at my family for enabling her all these years and brushing it off as my mother being a "Hard Person." Harri thank you for remembering my situation. I can't explain how not alone it makes me feel. I am adding this website to my monthly donations because it is a Godsend. I hope others will too if they can. Thank you guys.

[chronsweet]

Sad4her - John Bradshaw also has some great videos on YouTube. 

I have really learned that I am not responsible for the ways others view me for other people's actions.  You are not your mother.  You are you Sad4her.  A person can only be responsible for themselves and how they feel.  Even when raising a child, sure you are responsible for their safety, you are responsible for helping to shape that child's world, but children still have feelings of their own.

Trust me, I have been enmeshed with my mom most of my life.  I get ousted and disowned for having my own thoughts, so I get it.  But, I am deciding to not carry her hate around with me anymore.  I am not a hateful person.  I love people and life and I am going to learn to deal with it differently.  I used to think I could personally make my mom happy.  I wanted her to be happy when I was a kid.  I can remember wishing for her to get what she wanted so she could just be happy.  But, she doesn't want to be.  And, I do.  We all have choices.  Those choices do have consequences.  Going no contact for me basically means that I may get disinherited.  Shrugs.  My son may not get a grandma from my side of the family, but he has me and his paternal grandma that adores him.  I know I will find much more peace in my life and be able to make my own decisions and learn from my own mistakes without that nagging voice in my ear.  I can focus on my son without being shamed for not being a child abuser.  My mom literally would have rather seen me slapping my kid from a young age, screaming at him and showing him who is boss.  I find that mode of operandi abhorrent and would not wish that on any child.

Keep reading.  Keep thinking of what you want.  Keep thinking of what your responsibilities are to yourself and to your immediate family.  Praying for you this morning.

[Sad4Her]

Chronsweet,
Thank you so much! You don't know how helpful you have been! I am pulling up some of his videos now. It makes me so sad that my mom can't be happy but like you said, I need to do what's best for me and my family and will continue to work towards that goal. I will pray for all of us. 

[chronsweet]

Understanding the Borderline Mother is also a great read/listen.

It is kind of an expensive book.  I bought it years ago and lost access to the account where it lived on my kindle.  Then I did a youtube search and found it on there to listen to for free, the entire book.

For validation, that book was an eye-opener for me and is what really explained to me what I experienced as a child.  It was validating in a way that had me weeping the entire time I read it.  There was finally a name for my experience.

Thompson is more (in my view) an evangelical preacher for the soul, in a non-religious way.  He has some great ideas to move past our experiences.  He also identifies the fact that we operate from a basis of shame, and being shamed in a negative way (from a BPD parent for instance) really shapes who we are and how we move thru life.  Identifying with that over the last 5 weeks or so has been really helpful for me.

[Sad4Her]

Chronsweet,

Thank you. I will take all the suggestions that I can get. I will check out that book on Youtube as well.

[madeline7]

I have an uBPDm, and life became more unmanageable for me a little over 3 years ago when my enabler Dad passed away and Mom moved to the same city as me so I could help take care of her. She doesn't live with me, but expects me to do many errands as well as be her emotional support. So I looked into getting support and was pleasantly surprised by finding some specific resources. I am older than you, and have dealt with this for many many years, and 20 tears ago I could not find any resources. First of all, I finally found (after 3 failed attempts) a good therapist who is DBT trained. Secondly, I found a workshop (helpful) and BPD caregiver support group sponsored by Family Connections, which may be sponsored by NAMI. I do live in a metropolitan area where these resources may be more readily available. What I will say is that in the workhop and support group, I am THE only person with a parent with BPD. All others are middle aged women with a young adult daughter with BPD. I am learning so munch in the 12 week workshop, but will be stopping the support group, as I feel I get more support her on the "parent" board. Even though these individuals are understanding of family dynamics with a BPD in the mix, they do not understand that growing up with a BPD parent has conditioned me to be hypervigilant, etc. They, for the most parts, have had typical childhoods and I have not. This has been a long journey for me, and I am finally feeling more in control of my life. I am grateful for all on this board who shares their journey to help themselves and others.

[Sad4Her]

Madeline7,
My God, I can't imagine dealing with this for much longer than I have already! I am so sorry for the amount of years that you have had to. I have actually looked up resources through NAMI. It seem they want the parent diagnosed before you can join a lot of these groups. I have been in therapy and she's wonderful and has helped me tremendously. However, I too, am currently searching out a therapist who is knowledgeable in dealing with BPD so they can better guide me with my mom.I have found a support group that I am going to try on Monday. My fear is what you just said... .Although these will be people who have mentally ill people in their lives, I feel that BPD is an entity in itself and if no one there is dealing with that then I will feel alone. This forum has wonderfully helped me. All of you here are my sanity and I hope to be yours. I will let you guys know how the support group goes. Thanks!