It's my MIL in a new body

[FreedomReigns]

It’s been awhile since I posted anything since MIL passed away in 2012, finally freeing me of her controlling ways. How refreshing it has been! I have managed to continue my relationship with SIL and FIL and I invite them to my house for holidays, birthdays, etc. I have yet to be invited to their house, but whatever. I have learned to let that go. Since MIL’s passing, both FIL and SIL have become, I guess, somewhat humble. I remain cordial to them, although our relationship is still somewhat estranged. It’s just awkward but my daughters are their only nieces and grandchildren as SIL never married or had kids of her own, thanks to her controlling mother.

Ironically, I now work with a young co-worker who exhibits signs of BPD, and NO ONE in the office likes her because of it. I usually stick to myself at work and don’t really engage in giving out personal information about myself because I know it can be used as ammunition against me. But the other day, she took a jab at me for the first time, and I was once again reminded of my dealings with my MIL.

Unfortunately, this co-worker has it in good with our boss and is her “golden child” who can do no wrong. She has gone to the boss and tattletaled on other co-workers for one thing or another, like being five minutes late to work, when she herself takes longer breaks than anybody else in the office! Ugh. Well, the other day, our boss, D, wasn’t feeling well after an all-staff meeting with the entire company. I figured she’d probably go home before the day was over and that she would let us know.  But she only let H know, who was then supposed to let the rest of us know. But H never said a word. Later in the afternoon, one of the senior co-workers asked if D had gone home. We were all, like, “Don’t know. Haven’t heard.” That’s when I said to H, “H, did D go home?”

“Oh, yes, she did,” was all she would answer. This isn’t the first time she has done this. She likes to keep it to herself and not let the rest of us know because it is a control thing, right? Ugh. I decided to send her a friendly email (big mistake). I was nice enough about it and basically asked her to let us in on the loop next time. She replied back with, “Oh, I thought she told you,” which was a huge lie. I never responded as I didn’t want to get into it further with her, and I have learned through experience with MIL that sometimes silence really is golden.

Next day, I came back from break around 3:20 and as soon as I walk into the office, H says, “Hey S, did D go home?” She had that smirk on her face that I had seen on MIL’s face all too often, and I wanted to slap it right off! Ugh!

I half expect her to continue this charade, but she stopped and never said anything the following day. Even so, I am now on her “target” list, where before I wasn’t. Thankfully, our jobs are such that, even though we’re in the same closed-off room, we do not share the same responsibilities, so I can ignore her all day long if I want to. But at the same time, we are expected to show comradery. How best to handle if she continues to push? What do I say if she asks me if the boss has gone home, already knowing the answer but just trying to push my buttons? Ugh. I hate this. Seems no matter where you are in life, there will always be someone who wants to control you. I am 55. She is 28. I will NOT let her win!

[Kwamina]

Hi  FreedomReigns

Welcome back!

Yeah I can see how after dealing with a BPD MIL for so long, other people exhibiting similar traits could make you feel quite uncomfortable.

How best to handle if she continues to push? What do I say if she asks me if the boss has gone home, already knowing the answer but just trying to push my buttons? Ugh. I hate this. Seems no matter where you are in life, there will always be someone who wants to control you. I am 55. She is 28. I will NOT let her win!

The tools we learn on here for dealing with disordered family-members, in many ways can be seen as highly advanced life skills which can also serve us well in other areas of life such as work. Were there perhaps any tactics you applied when dealing with your MIL that were more succesful than others which might also be helpful in your interactions with your co-worker?

Communication techniques such as S.E.T., D.E.A.R.M.A.N. and B.I.F.F., can also be very effective when dealing with difficult co-workers. I've encountered several difficult and sometimes possibly disordered co-workers as well, and I found that applying these structured communication techniques is very helpful. The techniques can also help you remain more calm yourself.

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

Hi. 

Having a co-worker like that is so difficult.  But it is doable too.  Kwamina recommended some great communication techniques so I hope you are able to implement them.

I had a couple of co-workers in the same age group with the same sort of mind-set and it brought up all sort of old stuff for me.  Unfortunately I played the game with them sometimes and it only made things worse.   I would have been better off just telling them (and one in particular) to knock it off with a look of indifference.  My advice?  Don't see it as a win lose game or position for yourself.   As soon as you take that stance, you lose on some level. 

[zachira]

It's no fun to have a passive aggressive coworker. She will unlikely be able to play the golden child forever and who she is will likely become apparent to the boss. In the meantime, you are doing the right thing by limiting contact with her. Not letting the coworker know that you are bothered by her behavior could be a good strategy, because if she knows she can get under your skin she will probably make more attempts to do so.  I do agree that there are times when we have to speak up because the infraction is so unacceptable, and it is usually then that the disordered person in our lives manages to make things worse.

[Turkish]

Detach from the whippersnapper's drama. Avoid being triangulated.

"I don't know if she went home, I'm busy with my work."

[Harri]

Ignoring can work sometimes.  My experience has been that when people smirk like you describe they are just mean and ignoring them will be seen as a challenge so watch and see how she responds... .regardless, don't play.   

Turkish, I was not seeing this as triangulation... .  That is a good way to look at it.

[FreedomReigns]

Thank you all for your messages. I knew I could count on you. I had forgotten about the communication techniques. I remembered B.I.F.F., but the others were new to me.

The young "whippersnapper" has done it again. Today, when the boss came in, the co-worker asked the boss if we  needed to let her know when we go on breaks and when we come back. I was, like, "Seriously?" Thankfully, the boss did see through her and told her it wasn't necessary. We stair step our breaks and lunches anyway so that the office is never unattended. We all have our set breaks and lunch times. Why do we need to let the boss know? I am still dumbfounded over the whippersnapper asking that question but thankful the boss didn't think it was a good idea. Had she gone with it, there would have been an uproar in the office.

Anyway, I like I said, I still just keep to myself and don't give her any ammunition. I come in about 15-20 minutes early so that I have time to go to the break room, get my cup of java and am seated and working by 8 a.m. Like I said, this co-worker has gone so far as to tell the boss if we're even five minutes late, so I make sure I am not five minutes late! I come back early from lunch, too, or at 1:00 on the dot. I remember doing things like this with MIL. It's so exhausting trying to stay one step ahead of them, but I have to, for my own sanity's sake. 

I am going to play it by ear and see how things go. Right now, things are relatively calm.

[Turkish]

She sounds immature.  There's always that one kid in the class who... .you know. 

[FreedomReigns]

She is very immature, and I can barely stand it. I mean I have teenagers who are more mature than her.

Yesterday, I just about lost it. She was out of her chair more than she was in it. Then a call comes in from "dear ol'mom). Next thing I know, H is on the phone with boss. I think boss asked her how busy H was because I heard He say, "Well, I mean we're okay." She hangs up and announced she's leaving at 3 because of her dog. Boss comes in and sees pile of He's paperwork that needs sorted. So she makes the rest of us do H's job after H leaves at 3! I was literally seeing red I was so mad! And I'm STILL mad, although I know I need to let it go.

Today, H brings in a plate of fruit to share. I haven't touched it. Gah!