Realization Dawns

[Eleven011]

Hi all,

I found this site after starting to listen to the audiobook, “Stop Walking on Eggshells”, and I kept exclaiming outloud in the car as I was driving — my husband had literally every single one of those traits.  I wasn’t really expecting that.  I had long suspected something was wrong, but I nearly always ended up doubting myself and doubting reality from my spouse’s habit of invalidation, projection, gaslighting, blame-shifting or his just shutting down or worse — his going into a “despair spiral”, catastrophizing everything, claiming he is either going to quit his job or commit suicide or claiming he “needs to sleep” to “reset” after he would act inexplicably emotionally overwhelmed from what I was hoping would be just a normal conversation on normal every-day stuff to make decisions on everyday things.  He is hyper-controlling, passive-aggressive and has a tendency to say either sneakily invalidating stuff or out-right makes me (and our kids!) feel as if we are in the wrong when he has a rage episode or when he becomes emotionally abusive.  In public, he can be very sweet, tender and caring and I see small glimmer of the man I married.  In therapy sessions - he often white washes his own behavior or creates alternative realities that leaves me reeling — or he says outright, “I am very controlling” - but says this in such a meek and mild way so as to be not really believable — or he admits to having rage episodes - but again, either backpedaling or downplaying how violent, emotional or traumatic these events really are!  I’m either the most wonderful woman in the world or I’m the worse person in the world.  He self-sabotages but also seems to sabotage me as well — mostly financially, but also in other ways.  He has an addictive personality.  He has so many emergencies and sets up so many no-win situations that I often fall into the role of rescuer and caretaker - even though I really don’t want the job!  

We were separated for a full year where he lived in a different apartment and I experienced brutal verbal abuse and threats and witnessed his being an alarmingly bad parent to our young daughters.  After the dust settled more - he kept begging, pleading or even demanding for me to take him back and he would become enraged when I refused.  At some point - things reached a blessed lull where he seemed much kinder and calm and we were getting along better - but this fragile reconciliation didn’t last long as he moved back home right away — mostly (he said) for financial reasons and instead of his following through on many of his promises he made — he instead became outrageously verbally and emotionally abusive towards our two younger kids.  He has two older daughters from a previous marriage and he allowed his relationship with them completely deteriorate when he was living apart from me. Oh - and while he was living apart from me - he threatened to commit suicide and also made at least one attempt — so when he abruptly moved back, I felt cornered — feeling he would definitely commit suicide if he left again.  And also his parenting had become so alarmingly bad when we were separated — that it almost seemed safer for my kids for him to be moved back home so I could at least watch out for my kids’ safety rather than the assumption of shared custody be made.  But after he became so verbally abusive after he moved home — I repeatedly asked him to leave anyway — but he refused, saying “I can’t” and then shutting down and not talking anymore.  After that — that’s when he seemed to be sabotaging himself professionally (he’s now earning half the pay he earned previously) and when I asked to move out - he tied up our finances in knots that were nearly impossible to work out and became even more controlling...

Now - after writing all that - it probably seems weird that I wouldn’t just say “yep - I’m divorcing him post haste” — but many things are really awkward about my situation.  One — over the years - there was always some emergency that needed to be handled and I’ve been out of the workforce for many years and quite literally could not financially support my children.  Two - the courts systems here are “very dysfunctional” (as one lawyer I consulted said) - and its not really certain that I would come out of it in such a way where my kids suffer even more Three - my older daughter is autistic and ADHD and has other disabilities that makes it difficult for me to have a steady job in any case.  Four - the only lawyer who agreed to take my care requires a $6000 retainer that I’ve not managed to raise yet.  Five - we are currently in family therapy now and seem to be making very slow process Six - my husband just today has finally gone to a DBT therapist who runs a DBT support group and I’m probably unreasonably hopeful that his doing DBT will make all the difference.  

He also seems more stable just lately — but I’ve seen this Jeckle and Hyde act many times before and I know I can’t count on him remaining stable.

Right now - I feel things can go either way.  Either my husband completes the DBT program and truly learns how to regulate his own emotions - and becomes a better father to our two kids — and/or — I become emotionally stronger and financially stable and move out.

Reconciliation is a long shot at this point and truly only possible if he treats our children better and also respects my boundaries.

I’m also in a lot of therapy just now — a codepency support group facilitated by my therapist and also a DBT group for my PTSD and trauma-related insomnia and other maladaptive behaviors that left me feeling “stuck” or “trapped”.  I’m much better at setting boundaries and not taking things personally now - and that alone seems to improve things dramatically.  

Every once in a while — I’ll get a brief glimpse of the man I fell in love with and married - and he will be tender and loving again — but whenever he is stressed out or feeling overwhelmed again — *kaboom*!

Erm... .now that I wrote all this out - I feel as if I may be writing in the wrong section... .

Anyway — I’m glad I found this group.

Many years ago - a psychiatrist that my husband and I saw together (for my sleep issues mostly and anxiety - my husband had already been seeing this guy for years) confided in me that there was “something else going on — besides depression and ADHD” — and said something like, “maybe Borderline or bipolar”... .At the time - we had so many big events in our lives - that I didn’t really think about this (my husband was diagnosed with cancer - something else I became his caregiver for... .he is now cancer free btw — but that’s basically the big event that had me seeing my husband’s shrink as I couldn’t sleep at all after his diagnosis)... .But years later - after my husband has been declared cancer free and I’ve been struggling with figuring out his mood swings, rage episodes and all this other inexplicable behavior — I finally looked into BPD (actually after I found that DBT was helping me a LOT for PTSD and self-defeating behaviors)... .and I was *so relieved* that my husband agreed to go to DBT himself (after his last rage episode).  But I still had doubts that he could be Borderline - ‘till I listened to the book - “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and I was just amazed at how my husband literally was a strong “YES” to every single Boulderline trait.  I felt truly relieved and also far less confused — but also had an overwhelming feeling of, “Okay - now what do I do?”  I mean - if he’s mentally unwell — it explains a LOT!  But I’m not sure where that leaves things for being able to hold things together as a family.  The main thing for me is how he treats the kids — I have strong boundaries about how he treats our kids now and he knows those are non-negotiable now.  But I can clearly see after writing all this out that I’m rather neglecting my own needs in all this and still feel at a loss.

Wow - I didn’t think I would write much!  It just all came out at once... .one of the weirder things about all this is not being believed by anyone because my husband acts so meek in public and also he’s highly competent at work.  

Anyway - I’m grateful to have found this support site and thanks for reading.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Steps31]

Hi Eleven
I also came to this group through the same audiobook. I'm on chapter 12 I think... .
It's definitely a mind blower when you first realize how the behavior patterns line up and finally some light is shed on all this.
With more knowledge, it helps to see them and past events in a better and more compassionate light, and also have compassion for ourselves. You're right to set boundaries and keep your sense of self strong.
Keep reading and learning

[Eleven011]

Thanks - I truly appreciate your reply.

I had a lot of trouble with self compassion through all this.  Either I was frustrated with myself for staying in what became an increasingly dysfunctional and toxic relationship or I was frustrated that we couldn’t somehow work things out and I would become half-convinced that it was all my fault somehow.  

Now I realize that I can have compassion for both myself and also for my husband.  I can’t deny that I’m not still a little frustrated with myself for engaging in pointless arguments or taking the bait when my husband would have another one of his more irrational moments and accuse me of saying, feeling or thinking stuff that was completely untrue.  I would feel confused and scared by his sudden rages and feel hopeless and useless at my inability to escape.  

I’m not saying everything is suddenly rosy — it’s clearly not!  But at least I’m starting to have hope for myself and for my daughters future.  And since my husband actually did enter into a DBT therapy program — I have a tiny glimmer of hope for his improvement.  I don’t expect miracles.  I understand the condition more now as I’ve been frantically reading everything I can get my hands on.  I know that I will still have codepemdent moments of rescuing and caretaking and doubtless he will still have moments or even whole episodes that leaves me wondering, “what the heck just happened?”  

But just understanding what is going on is a huge relief - it truly is!  

That’s not to say I’ll leave everything at my husband’s feet - I know I have my own issues to work on — which is why I’m in my own separate DBT group for PTSD.  But I am genuinely relieved to know what has happened to our family and I know now to stop trying to argue or engage with my husband when I recognize the same old outbursts or the same circular arguments and just knowing that makes me feel just a little bit less helpless.

It helps finding this community too!

[Radcliff]

Let me join Steps31 in welcoming you.  We are sorry for the difficult situation you are in, but are glad you found us.  That's fantastic that your husband has enrolled in DBT.  As you said, it may or may not bring the results you are hoping for, but it's the best opportunity for him, and as a DBT veteran you are in an excellent position to support him.  As you know, he'll need a lot of validation for his efforts.

You wondered whether you are on the right board.  It is OK to be uncertain about the future.  You've got major challenges ahead, but some recent good developments.  Regardless of the eventual fate of the marriage, Bettering is the best fit for you.  The coping skills you can learn on this board will give you the best chance to improve things while you work to build your emotional and financial strength to continue in the marriage or exit it (at which point you'd still need the tools we teach since you'll have him in your life as the father of your children).

As an aside, if you've got PTSD, anxiety, and sleep issues, you might find that a weighted blanket helps.  I've gotten great results with mine.

What does your support system look like?  Do you have family or friends who understand the challenges you're facing?

RC

[Eleven011]

In terms of a support - unfortunately I had been nearly completely isolated for many years and also unfortunately kept out of the work force for many years by both circumstances and also by design (with my husband controlling and sabotaging finances and also discouraging me from working outside the home).

I am in a codependency support group who is facilitated by my therapist and I’m in an intensive DBT workshop for PTSD.  And that’s unfortunately the most social interaction I have all week normally.  I’m trying to rebuild a social network and also working like crazy to get organized and do all I can to prepare to get back onto some kind of career path - but it’s slow going progress - two steps forward, one step back - or sometimes three steps back.

I don’t have any family to speak of other than my two daughters.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you've done a lot to counter your isolation.  You've got support from your therapist, your DBT workshop, the codependency group, and bpdfamily.  That's great!  It's good to keep working for more support as you're doing.  You said you were working on your social network.  What kinds of things have you been doing?  Are there any parent's autism support groups in your area?  Any hobbies or activities you have an interest in that could help you meet people?

RC