He does, but I don't want more kids

[Frankee]

I had a bit of a rough morning, which was disappointing since we just has a good day Friday.  We spent a little bit of money, I knew we shouldn’t have, but he kept insisting we were fine.

This morning, I was spot on.  Then about 10 minutes before I had to be work, it fell apart.  He was waiting outside for me and honked.  I got mad.  Well, I was on my way down the stairs an had to turn back to get my phone.  Already frustrated and I go in the room and set his coffee down to grab my phone.  I ended up knocking over the coffee which got on his book (which is old and hard to find), unplugging the space heater, and he’s calling my phone in the process.  He comes upstairs and he’s getting mad.  
He yells about me getting up so early and still being later for work, I yell about needing help with the kids in the morning, he yells about me not saying anything until I am upset.  It turns into him saying I am the mom, I should be able to handle two kids, he’s the man, he’s doing what he’s supposed to by working, spouting off nonsense about me refusing to give him more kids, etc.

I got really upset.  We fought.  I acknowledged all the support and help he has given.  I told him I appreciate everything he has done.  I apologized for coming at him like I did.  I texted him after he dropped me off an reiterated how I felt awful for my behavior, he was right that I kept saying I could handle everything and he said I had a “meltdown” this morning.  

I surprised myself.  As soon as I got out of the truck and walked around to the front door, I felt a weight lifted.  I clocked in for work and got to work immediately.  A year ago, what he said would had ruined my entire day and left me feeling distracted.
Truth is, I don’t want more kids.  He hasn’t proven at all that he would help more if there were more kids since he thinks I should be able to “handle” two kids.  I struggle to be a good enough mom to the two we have and deal with everything else in my life, not to mention the pending cancer diagnoses.  We feel different about the kid situation.  I used to feel like a bad mom when I would think having another child would just be an added burden and only put more weight on my shoulders.  I have accepted though that it would be worse to bring another child into this world, knowing that I don’t feel or think I could care for them like they deserve.  

I am just now at a place where I feel I have almost fully recovered from the years of abuse.  He gets upset when he sees a behavior change with me now.  I can’t go through another pregnancy or postpartum depression.  He doesn’t understand and I would feel alone.  It scares me to think I would regress mentally to a place where I was before.  I really didn’t understand that until I started typing this.  Truth is, even though we are doing much better and I love him with all my heart, but there is a dark cloud every now and then, wishing he would still leave.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Truth is, even though we are doing much better and I love him with all my heart, but there is a dark cloud every now and then, wishing he would still leave.

Wow. Ouch. I feel you here. I've had those exact same thoughts and feelings with my H. Things have been a lot better the last month or so (fewer dysregulations, no violent outbursts), yet there's a part of me that just wishes he would cross a line or decide he's done so it would all just end.

Stress rarely brings out the best in any of us and the morning rush to get ready (particularly when it's prolonged by accidents) can be a huge stress trigger.

Interesting. It sounds like he blames you for not being able to "handle" two kids, yet also insists he wants more?

It sounds like you're pretty grounded in what you want and don't want and in what you feel is right. You know yourself. You know your body. You know your mental and emotional state. You know what you can and want to handle. I hope you continue to hold onto that. From what you've explained and described, bringing another child into the world under those circumstances wouldn't be a wise move.

[Frankee]

Wow. Ouch. I feel you here. I've had those exact same thoughts and feelings with my H, yet there's a part of me that just wishes he would cross a line or decide he's done so it would all just end.

Interesting. It sounds like he blames you for not being able to "handle" two kids, yet also insists he wants more?

You know your mental and emotional state. You know what you can and want to handle. I hope you continue to hold onto that.

I had a day today, where I wish he would just leave.  He's pressuring me again about not having kids.  He wants more, yet says I should be able to handle the ones we have and since the whole paperwork mess, he likes to throw in how they aren't his.  The way he's going about discussing having more kids, is just reassuring my feelings that I don't want more.  Oh, and he had the gull to tell me "You ain't acting right". I asked him what that means and he couldn't give me an answer.

Now he's not supporting me about going back to school.  Sometime last week or the week before we had a fight where he said something about showing us about not being supportive. Think this is him staying true to his word.  He was supportive, now he's telling me I am using this as a way to start a new life and meet dudes.  Such immature BS.  I tell I'm not leaving him, this is for us to have a better life, and so one day we can stop living paycheck to paycheck.

I feel good about my decisions.  I feel right about going back to school.  There is no real pleasing him.  He wants me to find a second wife, he wants me to be 5 star beautiful polyamorous mother wife who finds another wife to bring in to "help" us.  His "helping" us is giving him an incubator to pop out more kids.  Then he spins around and says all women are the same and I'm not special.

I am going to stay true to my word.  I have to prove him wrong.  He thinks I can't handle school, work, kids, and everything else.  Because I had a rough few days, now he believes that is how it is going to be.  He obviously doesn't see how much I have changed.  Over a year ago, him saying all of that would have destroyed me.  I am not really sure anymore if we are going to stay together, because he is obviously trying to crack me and guilt me into idk... having more kids?  Quitting school?  Giving into his demands?

[Ozzie101]

It definitely sounds like there's a lot to deal with and a lot of conflict going on. Have you looked at any of the tools lately, for instance this one:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

They can be very useful in keeping a situation from escalating and spinning out of control. You can't control him or how he behaves, but you can control your reactions and that can, sometimes, make a big difference -- though I know it can be difficult, especially in the face of hostility or unreasonable demands.

Do you think this is something that could help in your case?

[Frankee]

I might have to read the tools again.  We went so long without real bad conflict that I have forgotten useful tips.

He snapped at me again tonight.  Our youngest is going to daycare.  Tomorrow I get off at 7pm and was going to see if he would be getting off to pick him up.  He popped off about how he doesn't know and he shouldn't have to stress about it.  He made some other comments about how I don't rub his back and his with everything going on I better not forget I am a mother.  I stayed called and reassured him everything will be okay.  I am not sure it will be, but I need him to feel better.

I understand a little.  When I stayed home, I was able to give more attention to him and the kids.  Our youngest stayed with me all the time.  I didn't mind staying up late and pampering him.  However, he was overworked, stressed, and kept complaining about money and he had the attitude of "What do you do all day, you're being lazy, etc."

I went back to work and started classes.  He's already said he think I should quit classes and griping about my work schedule.  We have more money coming in, but now he's upset I decided to go the route of work/school instead of popping out more kids for him.  Hence, his cr@p about. "Second wife".  I am seeing it is hard to please him.  There is something that always seems not right with him.  Reality doesn't like up with his fantasy or his ideal relationship.  What he wants can't be achieved by a simple fix.  It takes times and work.  Which he is struggling with accepting.

[desperate.wife]

Hi Frankee,

We spent a little bit of money, I knew we shouldn’t have, but he kept insisting we were fine.

Sounds like my husband, he would always say were a fine, we can buy this or that. I know we shouldn't spend, but he is an adult, so convinced, hard to resist. He really believes it is fine.

 

Truth is, even though we are doing much better and I love him with all my heart, but there is a dark cloud every now and then, wishing he would still leave.

Sadly, I feel the same sometimes.

I am going to stay true to my word.  I have to prove him wrong.  He thinks I can't handle school, work, kids, and everything else.  Because I had a rough few days, now he believes that is how it is going to be.  He obviously doesn't see how much I have changed.  Over a year ago, him saying all of that would have destroyed me.  I am not really sure anymore if we are going to stay together, because he is obviously trying to crack me and guilt me into idk... having more kids?  Quitting school?  Giving into his demands?

I am impressed about the change you achieved in a year. Go girl. I hope in year I'll be able to say too that I am stronger and in better place. Don't even think about quitting school or job. Do what is good for you. You say he doesn't see how much you changed, but maybe this change is what he fears. If he is used to you staying home, and being ok with his behaviour, seeing you getting more independent can trigger his fears. Yes they are irrational to us, but it is how he feels. And he said it: he is afraid you will leave him. Him pressuring you into having more kids might be just the way to make you stay home, to avoid change. He is trying really heard. Second wife? If you are not ok with it, then he hopes you give all up.

It will take lot of efforts to talk to him, use those tools and calm him down, reassure. I hope you can get exact examples how to do it.

You know what you want, you know what’s best for you. Don't take personally his behaviour.

 
D.W.

[GaGrl]

Is it possible that he is reading the changes in you and thinking that another child will bind you tighter to him so that you won't leave him?

[Frankee]

Is it possible that he is reading the changes in you and thinking that another child will bind you tighter to him so that you won't leave him?

Part of me believes this.  He knows I will do what I have to to make sure the kids are taken care of.

I hope in year I'll be able to say too that I am stronger and in better place. Don't even think about quitting school or job. Do what is good for you. You say he doesn't see how much you changed, but maybe this change is what he fears. If he is used to you staying home, and being ok with his behaviour, seeing you getting more independent can trigger his fears. Yes they are irrational to us, but it is how he feels. And he said it: he is afraid you will leave him. Him pressuring you into having more kids might be just the way to make you stay home, to avoid change. He is trying really heard. Second wife? If you are not ok with it, then he hopes you give all up.

He does see a change and has told me more than once I'm not acting right.  Sad to say I feel more empowered than I have in a long time.  What bothers me is me feeling better about myself if causing him to react in a negative way.  I do believe he see this as a threat to his little world.  He knows I can do better.  He knows I would make it on my own without him.  He knows the stuff he has done to me in the past were horrible.  Thing is, I am starting to get such a clarity that is making me reconsider our whole relationship and what really makes me.happy.

[desperate.wife]

Did you have a chance to review the tools? Have you tried them? Could help you with the conflicts.

How things are today?

[Frankee]

Did you have a chance to review the tools? Have you tried them? Could help you with the conflicts.

How things are today?

Things are back to being at odds.  I have been posting in another thread of my occurrences.  I am starting to have serious doubts this marriage is going to survive to the official one year anniversary.  Every time we have a fight, it feels more and more like I want to resolve it less.  My feelings for him have changed and I am currently is a state of feeling like something big is about to change.  I don't feel my heart is in this relationship and when he called me out on it, I just now realize I didn't deny it.