what things did you do to recover from the abuse?

[Jdubs]

First, I’m so happy to have found this site. I’m in my late forties and recently lost my father. I’ve never been close with my mother because she’s caused me a lot of pain throughout my life. After my father’s death, I began to think more deeply about my relationship with her and, with the help of a therapist, have recently discovers that she likely has BPD. And I’ve been trapped in Borderland and want out.

My question is, what things did you do to recover from the abuse? I’m noticing how lost I’ve always felt, how confused and frustrated. Lomé I can’t trust myself because my perceptions were constantly under scrutiny. How did you (re)gain your bearings? I’m finding therapy and exercise helpful, but I’m left with deep feelings of emptiness. Any help, wisdom, or encouragement would be so helpful. My partner is great but has limited understanding of/experience with this. I’m happy to be here and would be grateful for your help.

[chronsweet]

Reading, sharing feelings, crying, exercising/walking, being a better parent to my own child all have given me hope and filled my soul.  I recently cut off contact with my mom (2 days before the new year) and I have found that having her voice and thoughts and enmeshment in my life has given me a new hope and a place to be myself.  I have let go of feeling responsible for other people, including my mom, over the course of the last couple of years.  That has been the hardest part for me because I have been groomed to be a caretaker my whole life.  Owning my mistakes and loving myself and not having the constant chatter in my head about how I should have done this or that and just accepting what is. 

I think all in all for me, it has been alot of mental work, a lot of reading and listening to youtube videos on parents with BPD.  Understanding the Borderline Mother made me literally weep the 1st time I read it, and much of the 2nd time too.  Youtube has it available to listen for free. 

Another thing that has helped immensely is validation.  Learning that I was not crazy, mothers are not supposed to be like critical of their children, not supposed to put them under emotional stress, not supposed to berate and disown them at the drop of a hat.  That has been the biggest help.  This site helps alot with that for me.

[Libra]

Hi Jdubs, and welcome 

I'm in my forties as well. I found this board about a year ago, when I started to detach from my unhealthy relationship with my mother. It is sad that we are here, but I am glad you found us.

For me, healing has been about giving myself time to accept and grieve what was and what will never be. Allowing myself to feel angry, sad, lonely, or whatever, and to sit with those feelings until they pass.
I hear you on the emptiness, it is a big black hole that should have been filled with parental love, empathy and compassion. I am trying to fill up that hole for myself, with self compassion and self love.

Healing is also about learning how to interact with others, and more specifically my FOO (family of origin). It is about learning to set boundaries, to validate, and NOT to JADE. These things are well documented on these boards, and we help each other understand them and discuss them.

All of this is an ongoing process, that takes a lot of time, perseverance and hard work, but I assure you it is really worth it!

How is your current relationship with your mother? Are you in contact? Which points would you like to work on first?
I hope you will come back to tell us more, so we can get to work. 

Libra.

[Kwamina]

Hi Jdubs and welcome to bpdfamily

I am sorry you recently lost your father. Losing such a close family-member is often quite difficult. How was your relationship with your dad?

Having a support network can be invaluable when dealing with a disordered family-member. I m glad you have the support of a therapist to help you navigate your way through all of this. What are the main traits you see in your mother which lead you to believe she has BPD?

We have several tools on this site designed to help us heal from the abuse. An important tool is the survivor's guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse, you can find it here:
Survivor to thriver program

The guide helps take us from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing

Each stage consists of 7 steps. When you look at the survivors' guide, where do you feel you are now? Which steps particularly resonate with you considering your current experiences?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[AriesTears]

Hi jdubs

Welcome in here, I also found this space very recently and still very new in here and I am in my forties as well.

I found meditation very useful. Especially after I found out that meditation is not about putting some scents on and sitting with that “pose” and wait something magical to happen... .

I like the free introduction videos provided by headspace.com and I liked the ted talks the founder (and monk) published.

If you like it, then you can check out the app called “insight timer” which is completely free app with a lot of guided meditations... .

The monks name who does ted talks is Andy Puddicombe... .

It really helped me to connect with myself and help me embrace the experience of the feelings I have during my own grieving from the emotional abuse I have been going through.

I already broke up with uBPD girlfriend but the abuse somehow remains remotely... .

Maybe the thought of meditation might indeed help... .It helped me to acknowledge my feelings... .which might be a good start in facilitating the steps mentioned above here... .

Love
AT

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Jdubs, welcome!

Personally the most helpful thing for me was gaining lots of distance from my FOO.  I needed to find my own identity/ my own way of thinking and seeing the world and strip away the lense that they viewed me through that I was carrying and identifying myself with.  (This took me many years... .it happened in my 20’s.  Eventually, I got so much distance and saw how twisted they all were and they were all perpetuating such perverse “realities/scripts/roles/family system dynamics/etc” that I needed to remove from my life completely.)

Eventually I began forging relationships with people who had nothing to do with them and I learned that there was a whole other world out there and I learned to be a new person.  (Someone beyond the “thing” that they treated me like.)

Then many years later... .in my early 40’s... .I have discovered a phenomenal therapist who knows trauma in a different way than my previous therapists.  He does EMDR, and a bunch of related modalities and has had a different approach in helping me to reprocess trauma and this really has been huuuuge... .and literally has helped me rewire how my mind has networked that unresolved stuff.

I certainly have had lots of times in therapy and continue to... .where I also don’t trust myself/loose my bearings... .All I can say... .It is getting way easier and I feel the past couple years with my current T I have grown decades!  It helps having a constant supportive person who has an idea of what is going on... .I don’t always have that... .so in those times it is just T and I plodding along and when I doubt myself I have to ask him.

[Sunfl0wer]

Oh... .  Some have mentioned meditations and some tools... .
My personal go to tool for when I am lost is looking up youtubes by Deepak Chopra... .there must be one on feeling lost or empty or something similar.  ... .if you are into that sort of thing. 

[AriesTears]

I just realized that this topic is one of the most important ones that comes up in here... .

I did recommend meditation before but I was thinking that the most important thing one suffering from emotional abuse is to understand that „it is not your fault“.

I am saying these words not because I am convinced myself that it isn’t my fault... .but because I am going through it still. In fact I am still burning in guilt... .

I am watching Deepak Chopra as I am writing this, he is pretty cool! i think it is a good intro before using tools like meditation.

He made me realize that, for people who seek for remedies for emotional abuse, the only way you can do that, is to „understand“ that you do „what can be done“ to reason with the person who initiates the abuse, and once when you are sure you did everything on your hands to stop it, but still remains then you have to „accept“ it... .hence make a decision... .leave or stay...

The way you to accept to „block“ abuse is to understand „how“ you perceive the abuse... .hence walk away or do something about it... .

I personally, did a lot, and still feel I could do more... .I live it every day... .but I left her... .but still the abuse continues... .trying to learn to shield it, as I am writing this.

Meditiation will not alone help you, and deepak chopra actually sounds like why you would want to “want to work” with your „perception” and “consciousness”... .

It sounds fluffy but believe me, I see merit in embracing “self -existence” in freedom... .which might help you to give freely boundaries in peace... .hope it makes sense... .just say “no” to “stop” abuse... .It might be actually possible.

Thanks to the previous post (i could not scroll up to check her/his name) recommending Deepak Chopra, but I like it so much, during my own process... .

You are not alone. At all...

Love... .