Compulsive helping , low self worth

[Lollypop]

Hi

I heard the term “compulsive helper” on the radio this week. They said being a compulsive helper stemmed from insecurity as a child.

Bells ringing in my ears.

I went to such extreme measures to fix my son28 and his problems. My friends stood by and shook their heads aghast. I envied them, their confidence in themselves (I didn’t understand that confidence was rooted in a strong sense of self they have).  

I’m the people pleaser and the best helper. I had a unstable and neglected upbringing. I have never linked the two together.

Does anybody relate to this?

I notice that since I’ve been on the forum I’m less likely to become involved with other’s problems in person and can remain detached.

I also notice that I need to get better at not suggesting (telling!) how people solve their own problems here in the forum.

I’m rambling a bit now. Sorry.

I think that my best way forward might be to “help” myself. I’m terrible at self care - there’s an irony there.

How does one get to a place of having some self worth?

I’d be very interested to know.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

LP that is really some stunning self awareness on your part. I admire you for it. For what it is worth you have never come across to me as over helping. That is you have never jumped in with advice for me unless I asked. You have only been sweet and supportive so maybe you have made great progress already. As to your question of how to develop self esteem, I can only share my own answer. For me it was a faith based experience of realizing I was loved by God. I don't want to push my beliefs on you or others just sharing what worked for me and hoping you find your answer too. You ARE worthy of love and deserve to love yourself.

[Lollypop]

Hi there FHLKC

Thanks for your reassurances. I tell my story over and over again in the hope it helps others. For me, it reinforces my understanding and my gratitude that my life is now so much better, despite the problems.

I’m not in therapy. I’m a mature art student in my final degree year. This has been my healing and it’s been a life changing experience. Reflection is really important in the art process.

I struggle with some of my fellow mature students who are so judgmental. They are like the “old” me, black white thinking and the belief that addictions are a choice. I had to walk away from them yesterday. I found what they were saying so ugly, so uncaring, lacking any empathy. One said “the homeless just don’t want to work”.  I find it difficult to not getting triggered or angry.

I don’t believe in God, but very much appreciate the goodness it feeds into your soul. I’m open to any suggestion that brings more kindness into the world. Your suggestion to seek my own answer is a good one and not something I had considered before.

Thank you

LP

[Only Human]

Hi Lollypop,

Interesting connection between compulsive helping and low self-worth. Perhaps by helping, we feel that we are worth something to somebody. As you know, the only person's voice that matters when it comes to evaluating our self-worth is our own. As children, we are told who we are by those around us and we accepted it as fact. Now that we know ourselves better, we are free to reject who other people told us we were. Daily positive affirmations can help.

Anyway, that's what came to mind reading your post.

I wish I had time to respond more thoroughly because I think this is an area where many of us struggle, myself included. It's my morning with GS4 and we're headed out for a little while.

~ OH

[PeacefulMom]

Lollipop, I am also a compulsive helper.  I have deep-seated abandonment issues (I was abandoned at birth; my adopted mother died when I was 10, my evil stepmother appeared when I was 15, my BPD son's father was abusive - which I am told is yet another form of abandonment... .) - and thus the insecurity despite my several degrees.

I have written here about how I have continued to help and accommodate my only beloved son, diagnosed a few years ago, to the point that I still let him stay here after he destroyed a number of walls in the house and was violent toward me.  I wrote about how hard it was for me to finally make him leave - which I did a few months ago.  He is now staying at his Dad's, still not in school or working, and I miss him.  He knows he can only come home when he gets his life together, and is fairly angry with me - although he understands, and can still be loving when he stops by to visit of get some of his things.  Many have said that I should never let him live with me again, as he is so often hostile/oppositional toward me when living here.  And yet I can't seem to stop wanting to see him and help him... .

My son also witnessed his father's abusive ways when I was still with him (I left when my son was 6 years old) - which I now understand may have prompted the BPD and difficult behaviors.

What would we do without each other on this website?  I can never explain any of this to others without them thinking I am nuts, but things are always more complicated than they appear on the surface.

Warmest wishes to you!
 

[Huat]

Hello again, Lollypop.

Gotta say, you start the most thought-provoking threads!

"Compulsive helper"... .hmmmmm?   A bad trait... .a good trait?  When you think of it,  someone who is a first responder is definitely someone who has it in him/her to jump in and help... .a compulsion, indeed.  Where would we be without people like them in the world?

While most of us are not first-responders, rather than being a cynic with no regard for others, I do think it is better to be the person who most always has that compulsion to help/fix and, hopefully, can go on to learn from mistakes when/how it is time to rein themselves in.

PeacefulMom, although all our stories are different, I relate to your feelings of abandonment.  My mother walked out of the family when I was a young teen, leaving my brother and I with our alcoholic (not abusive) father.  When my daughter first started to run away at age12, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I didn't handle it well... .immediately became her "victim" and I continued in that role for many years. 

Those two are the "bookends" in my life.  The wounds that had been healing after my mother left re-opened when my daughter started to disappear. In reflection I see how over the years I have become a "compulsive helper."  There was/is the need in me to feel I was/am a likable person.  A bad thing... .hmmm?  I must say that it does give me feelings of comfort and fulfillment when I do manage to help someone.   The severity of my problems can diminish.  Yep... .a good thing!

So... .I continue to work on being more kind to myself, more forgiving of the mistakes I make while I learn to do better.

Huat

[Lollypop]

Hi Huat

So... .I continue to work on being more kind to myself, more forgiving of the mistakes I make while I learn to do better.

I’m ok forgiving my mistakes. I learnt that lesson the hard way. It’s the being kind to myself I find hard. I got told late last year from somebody who doesn’t know my story, a tutor,  “stop being so hard on yourself”.  It stuck in my mind.

How to nurture ourselves and self-worth?  I’m not sure if it’s even our jobs. I think that must be it. Our parents should have done it. Times were different. I over compensated, over comforted because that’s what I lacked.

I’m not self pitying. I’m just really trying hard to understand this need to please, to be accepted.

My mum used to say “get some backbone girl”. I was even weaker than her.

I guess, it comes down to lack of validation when I was growing up. To be honest, I was invisible. Yes, a form of abandonment. This is the first I thought it like that.

I did the opposite with my eldest child, put him on a pedestal.

I’ve no answers. Just reflecting,  when I got angry at somebody, a poster here told me that my emotion was because I didn’t like facing my fear. I see a trait in somebody that I fear that I have myself and then I kick out.

I get that.  So, I’m left thinking - can I be fixed. Oh the irony!  We are here in a forum about our kids!

Peaceful and Huat, thanks for replying. I wonder does it any good to reflect so. I envy those that skip through life. I wish for a more simpler time.


LP

[Huat]

Back to you, Lollypop!

If I have learned nothing else on this heart-wrenching, soul-searching journey of mine it is the need to be validated. 

What a game changer it started to be for me the first time my husband and I sat in front of this eccentric-looking counsellor years ago, the one we had had gone to for help in better dealing with our challenging child who was by then an adult.  After tearfully telling her of all the nasty letters our daughter had sent to me over the years, she looked at my husband (the one who is seen to walk-on-water) and asked him what he had done to back me up.  His stammering was music to my ears and my first understanding of what it feels like to be validated.

All of us are a product of our history... .a combination of nature/nuture.  I recently read yet another story of someone who grew up in an impoverished family, both of his parents absent so much because they were working to keep food on the table... .and he is now a leader, a multi-billionaire.  Then there are those who grew up in the lap of luxury and are now struggling, unable to get their footing in the world.  Go figure!

It took me so long to forgive my mother for walking away from me when I was young.  We were estranged for most of my life yet, in the back of my mind was the niggling fear of what I would feel when I would hear she had died... .relief? ... .remorse?... .guilt?  (To add insult to injury... .I am the spitting image of her!)

Long-story-short... .in her later years we were thrown together because of her illness and me being the only one available to help her.  I actually grew to like her.  I was the only one with her when she died and we told each other we loved the other.  What a gift!

So yes, Lollypop, our parents "should" have nurtured us and built up our feelings of self-worth... .but they, too, had their own history.  We can only hope that our children, in one of their more lucid moments, will have this thought process, too.

You write of putting your eldest on a pedestal.   Well, seems what you (like me!) were doing was making sure your children's upbringing would be different from your own.  Yours (like mine) was going to be the model family, your offspring shining stars.  Gee... .what could have gone wrong, huh?

You ask... ."can I be fixed?"  All of us, Lollypop, are in the process of "being fixed."  We are a work-in-progress from the womb-to-the-tomb.  If we keep our eyes open, we can learn from others... .what to do... .what not to do.  Remember, though, we are also being watched by those others.

"Does it do any good to reflect?"... .is another question of yours.  In my opinion, yes.  How else can one process what one has seen/experienced... .what one has learned?

It comes to mind to ask if this is the appropriate venue for this type of thread.  Some would say that it is meant to be for support on dealing with the BPD'ers in our lives.  Once again an opinion... .mine... .this is okay.  Our lot in life is not an easy one.  So many times we can doubt ourselves... .with our "imperfections" have we caused/added-to the problems.  We need to be validated... .told to remember that we have done our best... .sometimes needing that little kick in the arse... .or as your Mum would put it to... ."get some backbone."

Don't envy any of those you might think are "skipping through life."  The people who have true character are the people who have had their feet-put-to-the-fire, so to speak.  You Lollypop, like the others here, have true character.  (Sigh!)

Huat  ; )

[zachira]

I am amazed that you would think of yourself as someone with low self worth and as a compulsive helper. I occasionally read the posts on this forum and the advice you have given has been compassionate and your suggestions on what to do incredibly helpful to a lot of our members. I personally admire how you have turned things around with your son by helping him instead of rescuing him. It did takes time to turn things around, and that is understandable considering the nature of his problems and how hard it is to know what to do.
I am wondering if you are exhausted from the challenges you have faced with your son. That does seem to make sense as having a child with BPD is emotionally draining and seems at times to take nearly every gram of strength we have to go on. Now your son is doing better and you are ready to turn the focus more toward yourself, after so many years of being so focused on your son's well being. What are some of the things that you enjoy and would like to do now which you could not do while so busy with your son?