BPD vs NPD - BPD+NPD? I can see both, maybe intertwined.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone,

Iv'e been reading so much everywhere... .

There are so many signs of NPD also.

I want to know what is happening, did happen, I am mystified and crushed.

I read here and some things don't fit, I look back and see many NPD traits also.

I don't need to know in order to get better, maybe a little, like the color or make of the car that killed my friend... .

I will get better eventually.

Thank you.

[Sandb2015]

Hello everyone,

Iv'e been reading so much everywhere... .

There are so many signs of NPD also.

I want to know what is happening, did happen, I am mystified and crushed.

I read here and some things don't fit, I look back and see many NPD traits also.

I don't need to know in order to get better, maybe a little, like the color or make of the car that killed my friend... .

I will get better eventually.

Thank you.

[once removed]

diagnosing a personality disorder is challenging. there are a lot of moving parts, a lot of our own biases, and a lot of history we may or may not know. the DSM recommends against using symptoms/traits like a cookbook - severity and impairment can be hard to gauge.

have you read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

[Sandb2015]

Thanks once removed,

I just see some NPD traits also that don't fall into the BPD area, it didn't measure up altogether and I was seeking answers.

She has a few solid traits of some and some solid traits of another.

Specifically the "discard", my discard and grandiose thoughts of being superior and deserving of so much more... .

It's just confusing, I'm not looking to rubber stamp her, I just see a few from one and a few from another solidly.

[FJM]

sandb2015 i have been thinking in this too. Seems to me that the traits are different but the outcome and aftermath of Narcs look the same of the BPD (lovebombing /devaluation / discard / new supply / no grieving) besides the commorbitty between the two disorders.
Having an awful friday here.
I need the reinforcement everyday of thinking that they are and will be miserable forever. And that my replacement will suffer at least the same ammount of sh*t that i did.

[Sandb2015]

FJM,

The cut was deep for me, the sometime reconnect reinforced hope.  I'm still there believe it or not, during my long commutes, I go over it again and again.  If the window opens, if she will get help, I still see my whole life with her and this time won't matter much if she's dating.  I also have to be prepared not to have resentment about it.

I think of her dating, laughing, being cute, looking sexy, getting attention and not thinking of me at all, maybe fooling around, maybe sex---very negative projections I must stop!, it crushes me and my thoughts are  

On the other hand, the guy may be like me and not see the red flags and he get decimated OR, if he does and runs for the hills she'll be in contact.  For now, we are so on and off and I'm not sure if she's just saying she's dating as an excuse to hurt me or run from the things that torment her.

I don't know about her and how this will go... .I do know about me, getting better so slowly, 2nd therapy on Monday, calming down, not thinking so much and hoping the future holds something healthy and happy for us.

Where is the poop emoji when I need it?

[FJM]

sandb2015 therapy is a must after having a relationship with a monster. The intimacy thing is purely Edipo. Tell your T about that, hell help you with that.
Mine replaced me 2 weeks after i tell her i couldnt go on anymore. The replacement lives 300 miles away on the beachside. Hes a lowlife who lives in a shthole and spends his days drinking beer and smoking blunts. This is the third consecutive weekend that she travels to him. Im a trainwreck. Again the intimacy thing doesnt affects me, the replacement and the love bombing is driving me insane.

[Sandb2015]

FJM,

You aren't THAT guy and I really don't see anything wrong with devaluing him AND her.  She is doing what she does and has done and I just see it as a way of running away from something "good".

If I'm not mistaken, they run to people that won't love them and they will still "act out"anyway with the same turmoil.

I may or may not have a replacement just a few weeks after being viciously thrown out without a place to go.  As compassionate as I am, I struggle feeling sorry for the guy.

I was threatened with police action and restraining order a week ago, a few days later she calls me on FACE TIME (she just wants to see where and whom i'm with-nobody of course!).  She says she thought I moved on... .confessed my love and she asked me to come over, it was weird and fantastic and I saw her sob in a way that I couldn't image... .strange... .I left and again not much texting or no reply, very simple.  On Tuesday she calls, great conversation, close talking about her son and they missed me watching a movie together, my response was, thank you for saying that.  Valentines, a simple text, a response same happy valentines day etc.  On and off responses, who knows what's happening on her end, I try not to ruminate.

[FJM]

sandby2005 tricky situation yours my friend. Looks absolutely push/pull textbook.
I just hope that one day a new person can give me the highs that she did. Hope so.
Cheers my man.

[Sandb2015]

If you have to FJM... .imagine a time where you allow yourself those highs that are the core of the rs with somebody and they have them and you share them also.

I received an angry yelling phone call last night that I didn't want to pick up out of fear it would be just that.

I did and at one point I said I want to get off the phone, she hung up and then called many times later and sent texts saying she is glad she "met someone" BS really or not, it won't hinder a future with her if we get help and progress.  She blocked me after more "painting black" texts.  I hate that! It's been done temporarily and it's more annoying and seen as a childish thing.

I couldn't help it, this morning before work, I drove 30 miles out of the way to pop up at her job, she held me, we kissed, she said," I love you".  I don't remember the last time I heard that.  She said please come over tonight? Dinner, sleep over? I don't know. She said she loves me and she thinks she's crazy.  I said," we aren't' crazy and I know you love me.  I told her I'm not angry and she started to cry a little.  She does have times of self awareness, my T asked me and I said yes.  When and how and with how much sustainability, I don't know... .

She unblocked me and I'm floating with what may happen, I'm realistic with what may not.

I'm enjoying my day and just a few words make such a difference, positive for now, realistic for later.

Since being kick out and having such pain, confusing, connect/disconnect, I have leveled out somehow and know this may swing around towards that again, I have a perspective right now that it may and I am prepared better.

Today is not a crossroads or a turning point in our rs, it may be the beginning of one.

I'm aware of my fear, codependency, insecurities, temporary lowered self esteem.  My confidence is still strong.  I won't let these things grip me, freeze me, cloud me and make me think too much.  I never told her that I want to get off the phone before, I did last night.

I'm becoming self aware.

I may be highly criticized here and welcome it... .

Fear and codependency must be challenged somewhere, as a fear of flying, getting on a plane etc.  I am challenging and confronting without being blind to the consequences in the realist way I can.

If I followed most advice regarding what it good or best for self preservation, I would have stayed NC last night.  I battle hope vs love vs fear vs codependency on the detour this morning.  As I said, she reacted the opposite that I expected, even more so... .let's see... .

[Sandb2015]

-----SCRATCH----

Got some texts right now, a call, she did a complete turn around.

Felt good for a little while.

[FJM]

Sandb2015 she just cancelled?

[Sandb2015]

Yup, saying she knows she'll end up yelling at me.  My response was, "take the day to think about it and decide about tonight or tomorrow" and "I want to hear what you are feeling".  That was 5 hrs ago and nada, leaving work in a few minutes and not popping up to continue this "episode", I will send my usual text tonight, "Goodnight B, have a good night's sleep".

Her fixation for lack of a better term (today) is that she imagines the month or two when I was with my disturbed child's mother and how I showered her with greatness and she can't forgive me and I know what you did, I know what you did. I was lonely and she gave me a lot of attention and pregnancy baited me into marrying her, I did not thank God and it was a hell trip.  I don't even want to know what she thinks I did, I'll want to apologize, explain, defend and be called a liar anyway.  We've all been put in this situation, the accusations without any merit.  That was 6 years ago... . That I loved her so much and still do... .vomit, gag... .I don't hate really, I don't want to be consumed by it and it's seen as a weakness by my love.

Because she KNOWS what I did ? Whatever that is, she has painted me black I guess, my ex was a real POS, still is. They are the same nationality and that may contribute. I can't dive into her mind and get lost in it and rationalize.

Her reaction this morning was over the top and initiating "I love you", I was floored, she said it a few times with kisses and had long embrace.  I haven't heard that in many weeks, instead, I heard how she doesn't love me anymore reinforced over the last 6 weeks or so... .yuck... .I'm chilling, I'll chill and getting better one hair at a time.   

I don't know what it was today, splitting, painting, devaluation, maybe just imagined jealousy?

[FJM]

Sandb2005 Man im starting to think that theres no solution for this people, only if they seek professional help, and want to do the work. Thats the only way it may work. But for all the posts i read these people cant give up and think that they are like godzilla destroying buildings just because.
My T (who had numerous patients with BPD) tells me that they are like a bottomless pit where all the care and love and even us get swept in it.
He tells me that they are ALL textbook and they will crash always anytime with anyone.
They dont know true love, and less to give it, to be reciprocous, they just need someone to fill the void, and the void is infinit and the only ones who can fix that is the BPD with mental professionals.
I think that we all inside know what will happen if our partner or ex partner is diagnosed whats gonna happen. In my case she will go on denial or in manic defense.
Its time to let go bro. We all know it.
She has a part in my heart that will endure forever, not now, not until the next partner. She will have that forever. But we need to move.
Just that, today im feelin almost normal, maybe is that. But i feel you deserve better my man.
Paul Mccartney still dedicates "my love" to Linda 20 years later.
Thats love, thats fckn love man.
Love everyone here.

[Sandb2015]

Thank you FJM,

Yes, we don’t deserve this treatment, actually we don’t deserve to let ourselves to be treated in such a way.

She is aware, she does know there is something wrong with her thinking and sometimes no awareness, that’s her struggle. I do know that she won’t seek proper help on her own. One of the things that gives me hope is her awareness at times and if I get the opportunity to get her a join me in therapy, that’s my solid goal.

My hope does have an expiration date, I’m not going to be doing this forever, either she will completely cut me totally, starts a “serious rs”, so unlikely or as I get better and she keeps doing what she’s doing, I will have no choice but to absolutely disappear from her.

For now, I am growing and learning.

I hear you. I’m not in an endless cycle.  I love her and she is capable of love.

My denial stopped a while ago when I started making a plan for myself and how I can contribute to having her get answers, help etc.

I do think if she was diagnosed properly, she would actually be relieved contrary to many stories and studies.  She is or seems a little more aware than “textbook”. Textbooks are for academia, the variables are not infinite, but numerous.

I know my pain comes from inside, this rs ripped off very well healed scars, that’s on me.

Maybe “they all” are this and that and will “never” be better. I may believe that some day or not.

I’m not torturing myself, my expectations are lesser, more prepared.

My exposure to her is actually helping me focus on my issues and it’s so much cheaper than my T.  I’m sounding kinda tough, I am, now I know where my scared mice are, I’m seeing clearly and I have to pinpoint what my emotions are, what triggers them, what’ are the residual emotions and thoughts.

I’ve passed my bottom, I’m better, I’m becoming a different type of sponge.

I know why people give up, I know why the damage carries on.  I won’t/don’t want that later,

For now, bonded in such a damaged way is something I’m learning so much from, no bs.

 

[itsmeSnap]

For now, bonded in such a damaged way is something I’m learning so much from, no bs

Too real dude, mad respect 

We are not helpless puppets to their disorder, we can decide to weather the storm or not. For those who decide not to, mad respect to them as well, takes real strength to decide either way.

Don't let it drag you down, a heavy burden can help you grow strong, or it can crush you if you're not ready for it. Take it slow, be prepared, learn the proper "techniques", have a spotter (aka, a strong support system, like the boards!) when lifting heavy bruh  ok I've watched too many workout videos 

It's just confusing, I'm not looking to rubber stamp her, I just see a few from one and a few from another solidly.

Yeah its difficult because thats stuff we all do to some extent, only when its "front heavy" and dysfunctional does  it become a diagnosis. But yeah, it could be BPD+, with the plus being narcissistic traits.

What about those traits did you perceive as "dysfunctional" that made you think npd?

[FJM]

Sandb2005 im with you. If i had an inch too make the try again i would take it too but knowing that the bets are all against me; but im pretty damn sure that i would do it.
You got some balls whatever you do.

Cheers from Buenos Aires.