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Skills we were never taught
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Author Topic: how do we cope with lack of love?  (Read 430 times)
JoeBPD81
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« on: February 04, 2019, 05:14:36 AM »

I woke up yesterday in the middle of the night, and I felt very alone.

I keep fighting for this RS because she's had an awful life and she deserves that someone loves her, to know that she is worthy of love.

But what about myself? By staying I'm having a life devoid of love, kindness, affection, touch... .

if she woke up and felt alone, or scared from a nightmare, I would care, and I would hug her, and comfort her.

When she's sick, I hold her hand, and help her in every way I can.

When she's had a bad day, I listen to her and I validate and offer kindness and affection.

When she has some achievement, I celebrate with her, I'm happy for her.

When she wants to watch a movie/tv-show, I offer to watch it with her.

... .

I have no one that does those things for me. She did them, and more, the first 2 months of the RS.

I was married before, for 15 years, and she wasn't very thoughtful towards me either. Not nasty, or so unstable, but very self centered and independent. She was a great roomate, while I gave everything to her, but in time I felt like a supporting character in her life. So when my current girlfriend started to be very affectionate towards me, it was like discovering true love.

I take care of her 2 kids, and they don't give me any comfort. They like me, they want me there, but I feel used, they love what they can get from me, but they don't give a XXXX about me, or what I need.

Now the drama is so frequent, that I dream about being alone, and have some peace. And as a 41 year old guy, I think I will give up on love. I already gave up on having kids of my own.

I gave everything I had, I'm depleted, it wouldn't be fair to another woman to take me like this, I'm not willing to adapt any more, to tolerate any more, to do big gestures of romanticism, to give myself a 100%... .I'm not interested, I'm scared. The fear is greater than the hope. I feel old.

I never searched for a couple. If I was alone, I was OK. Then, I fell in love, and I was interested in THAT woman. I think if we break up, and I start getting interested in someone, I'll see everything as a red flag.

When I divorced, I leaned towards that, but I fell hard for this BPDgirl, about 5 years ago. Maybe time would prove me wrong.

So... .coming back to the topic. My thought was that whether I stay or I leave. I'm not having anyone in my corner. I thought I wouldn't care, but now it makes me very sad.

I would love that she is the one giving me love. She ocasionally says she is so in love with me, we rarely have sex. For me it is very sad that having sex maybe 4 times in a year is the only proff that I'm the closest person in her life. The only moments she is showing me love and intimacy. She cooks for me, and she gets me thoughtful presents when the ocasion rises, and she buys snacks or sweets that I love out of the blue. And I appreciate those gestures. But she shows more affection to our pets (or any cat/dog on the street) than to me.

I'm used to being happy when she lets me be affectionate towards her. But I gave up on hopping she would be towards me.

Is someone else feeling like that? How do you manage this?
« Last Edit: February 04, 2019, 05:27:18 AM by JoeBPD81 » Logged

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Ozzie101
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« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2019, 08:37:37 AM »

You're right, Joe. It's a very sad, difficult place to be, to feel like we've given so much but gotten little in return.

I, too, have felt utterly alone in my home. When H is in a mood, I have no allies at all. Like you, I have a stepchild, but while he likes me fine, we're not really bonded. H is the center of the house and my only real ally so when he's "gone," I'm alone.

Like you, I'm kind of in a "should I stay or should I go" mode.

Lately, I've been rectifying the loneliness by reaching out more to family and my friends (not ours but mine from before). Some of them are aware of what's going on and they can give me unconditional love and support. Do you have other people who you can turn to and talk to?

Also, I know it's tricky and difficult to discuss things like this with someone with BPD, but I'm curious if you've talked to her about the lack of affection?
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« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2019, 09:18:32 AM »

We've talked about it.

She often tells me that I deserve better, and that she can't be the girlfriend of anyone. She hasn't been specific, but she's told me that in the begining she tried to be someone that she isn't, in order to be liked by me. How much did she "fake"? I don't know. But I see her being very sweet with strangers, and the kids, I see her hugging old friends. Some dear friends, if the friend is called X she'd say "My X". She said several times that when her mother had finantial trouble some friends gave them shelter, and that she will be forever grateful to them and love them. I'm giving a home to her and the kids for 4 years, and all my life. And she talks to me like an unwanted visit. She doesn't teach the kids to be grateful or respectful to me either.

She adknowledges that they mistreat me, and she says she's sorry, but the only improvement she thinks about is leaving me.

I don't get unconditional love from family or friends. I get weird looks and "Why don't you end this RS?" messages. They don't get what this is, at all, so I feel more alone when I try to reach. I do talk to them, mostly to get things out of my chest, but I know they are gonna try to finish the uncomfortable talk by saying "We love you, and we wish we could help you more BUT... ." As all conversation inevitably end. And I get it, mine is an endless river of same old same old.

The kids and I, we are bonded, I'm the father they know. They were 7 and 2 when I met them. But they came from an abusive home, and their genetic heritance is very unlucky. School therapist says S12 is incapable of loving another person. S7 is not going to therapy yet. GF was very furious with the therapist for saying that, and she took the kid out of her counceling. But she often says "I think they don't love me, not one bit" (but blames herself for that). The T also said "He sees people as sources to get things from". And it's a very sad and cold assesment of a (then 10 year old), but it really fits his behavior. Both kids ask for a lot of physical contact , a lot. But that's what I meant, not even their mom can feel they love her, I can't see they love her (I can see they need her, and I can see they know she would give her life for them). So they can't be a comfort to me, to feel less alone.  They are, ocasionally.

My GF felt ashamed of the attention she gave me when she was in love, she felt it didn't fit a mother's duty to be so hang up with a guy. So one day she decided love was stupid, and shameful, and a weakness. So now she's completely against anything romantic. And only when she's very relaxed and happy, she forgets this for a minute.

Anyway, thanks for answering and listening.
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« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2019, 09:25:05 AM »

I'm so sorry, Joe. I wish you had a good support system to help you. It sounds like your GF does have a LOT of issues with true bonding and closeness. And to see the problems in her sons must be terribly difficult. Honestly, I see a lot of my H's attitudes and behaviors in my SS. My DV counselor has said he shows signs of being a perpetrator in the making. Scary stuff.

Have you sought solo therapy for yourself?
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« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2019, 03:26:55 AM »

I've had therapy for myself in the past. It didn't help much, it helped me to get closure from my divorce, but when we started talking about this RS, she just agreed with me, and she said I was centered, colected, and that I got things under control. So most sessions I got the impression that she was telling me "Why do you come here? you don't need this."

My medical insurance has that therapist, I can't choose. And I can't afford paying sessions, I don't know what to say, either. Social interaction makes me anxious, and it's OK when I can pass myself as invisible, when I don't call atention to myself, but I'm the subject in therapy, so I'm not comfortable at all. That's why I don't make it a priority. Also, if the therapist is not really familiarized with BPD, he/she won't understand a thing. Even my GF's T has not a good knowledge of BPD, and she diagnosed her with it. She hadn't heard of DBT or Marsha Linehan. So she's playing it by ear, and saying very harmful things.

I think my GF sees the lack of empathy of S12. As she had seen it in her ex-husband, and his son. But she is in denial, because she can't cope with that. Even S12 himself says he will be a criminal when he grows up. The cruelty towards others when he doesn't get what he wants, is very scary.

The closeness issues are huge. I knew she had them before, she's been a victim of abuse several times in her life, starting very young. But she told me from the beginning she felt safe with me, that I could do things to her that no one could in her whole life (Standing in her back, touching her legs... .). But she has felt betrayed several times, thinking I did things that I never did, and having a lot of proff that her suspicions were false... .She lost her trust in me. She remembers all the betrayals as real.

This is what makes me the saddest. Each thing that came between us and drove us appart, it's not real. The things she hates about me, they're not my things, I'm not that person. But there are so much lies piled up, that she doesn't know me at all, I'm a stranger to her. Her and the real me, we would make a great couple.

With the image she has about me, she had to guard herself, and put a lot of walls between us. As I don't admit I'm that person, she gets angrier and cinic, and she trusts me even less.



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« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2019, 10:03:04 AM »

Joe,
I have felt the same way.

It is nor fair.
Get to know your God.
You need a really big God to help you

Pray, talk and hang out with your God.

Your God will poor in light, love, and forgiveness until you are overflowing.
That will either be a good example for your BPD or piss them off.

Remember that your God is with you always. :-)
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« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2019, 11:05:31 AM »

Hey Joe, welcome,

It’s safe here and me and you have more in common than I’d like to admit, I’ll start a thread later about that.

I’m in a rs with a woman that also has a teenage son with all the symptoms you described.

The dynamic, the reinforcement of the “bad stuff” because of the parent/guardian impact on the kids and their likelihood of following in her footsteps.

We know we are this wonderful buffer for the kids and the power of BPD makes that want diminish.

I met my love 4 year ago, moved in, so much love and potential.

We moved in after a year and I knew who I would be to him and we connected, my want to be somebody in his life was going through as planned... .little by little his mom started to become her disease and impacted him, me, our home life, communication , connection.  He’s 17 now and around his 16 bd it started, distant, cold, very difficult to engage etc. I would still reach out and he distanced me and would ignore me and I couldn’t engage. His mom didn’t want to talk about it and it seemed favorable to her. I stepped back and let them do their own thing and hoped he would see me as his pillar in life later perhaps when he goes away to College.


I’ve been out of the house for 6 weeks now and I feel so badly for that young man and the rs he has with his mom, I don’t feel guilty, I had beautiful intentions, a want, a need because my stepfather was my pillar and a buffer with my alcoholic mom .

What’s going on with his mom, my love is a different matter, I still have hope that we can reconcile and it’s not too late for her son.

Again, I’m starting a new thread when I have time

I’m sorry you are going through this Joe, you are healthy enough to see how you feel and what’s going on in your life, that’s something YOU can count on.
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« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2019, 02:43:19 AM »

Thanks for all the support.

It's been a while without a god sign. A couple of weeks ago, she broke up with me, said she wanted to forget she ever met me, and other niceties... .2 days later, she told me she had no memory of the last 3 days. Since then, there's no sign of reconciliation. She hasn't talked about leaving again, but no afecttion towards me either. She mostly avoids me.

She goes from neutral to rude. She apologizes for the rude part, but for all I know, she's searching for another place to live. Everything I do bothers her.

Meanwhile, the kids don't know anything, and I keep being their father, while their mom doesn't talk to me. A new thing is that she takes the kids away to talk to them where I can't hear them (not even concealing that she's doing so). And in front of me she told S12 to not ask anything from me.

More and more, I'm left alone as an outsider to this family.
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« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2019, 07:21:25 AM »

I meant "good" sign.
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« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2019, 03:06:23 AM »

Things turned even more complicated.

On the weekend, friday we were both crying a lot, but saturday and sunday she was progresively kinder and she started flirting with me.

Sunday night we ended up having sex. And it went great until she thought I was trying to get her pregnant. She froze, and left the room. When I tried to talk to her later, she told me she thought I was an even  bigger AXXXle than her. And that she would kill herself if she was pregnant.

From heaven to hell in one minute.

Nevertheless, she texted me later at night, and told me "Please, don't be sad", I took my time to read the text because I expected a lot of hate, but then I read it, and we exchanged some nice messages. (Late at night she is medicated to sleep, so she is a lot sweeter and kinder).

This morning she wasn't agressive. But now she's not answering to my ritual good morning text. So, this could go either way.
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« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2019, 08:43:09 AM »

It's so confusing when things twist back and forth seemingly without warning.

Have you been doing anything for self-care? Hobbies or just taking some time for yourself to do something you like to do?
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« Reply #11 on: February 11, 2019, 08:59:09 AM »

Hi Joe,

You seem to be doing the right thing.
Have you prayed to your God.

Follow the directions given to you.
Not everything works out for the best.
Sometimes we are given more that we can handle, and fail.

My heart goes out to you.
We are here.
God does love you.
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« Reply #12 on: February 11, 2019, 09:38:06 AM »

I woke up yesterday in the middle of the night, and I felt very alone.

I keep fighting for this RS because she's had an awful life and she deserves that someone loves her, to know that she is worthy of love.

But what about myself? By staying I'm having a life devoid of love, kindness, affection, touch... .

if she woke up and felt alone, or scared from a nightmare, I would care, and I would hug her, and comfort her.

When she's sick, I hold her hand, and help her in every way I can.

When she's had a bad day, I listen to her and I validate and offer kindness and affection.

When she has some achievement, I celebrate with her, I'm happy for her.

When she wants to watch a movie/tv-show, I offer to watch it with her.

... .

But she shows more affection to our pets (or any cat/dog on the street) than to me.


This has been my exact experience with my pwBPD.  It sucks.  I pour myself into the relationship every minute of every day and get almost literally nothing in return.  It is incredibly draining.  And the lack of affection... .  It kills me.  The first three-ish months of our relationship, her affection was so warm, genuine, and given freely.  It made me fall in love hard.  After that, though, she rarely touches me and if I reach out to initiate any kind of affectionate gesture it's usually met with a scowl or "get the f off me". 

I've had to accept that my source of affection and warmth will have to come from a strong friend group, rather than her, as long as I intend to stay in this relationship.  It is not ideal, but I am not ready to tap out yet.
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« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2019, 02:59:26 AM »

Hi guys,

thanks for the replies.

Hang in there, theuproar, that seems to be the common "solution", get affection from somewhere else. Sad, unfair, but we have to do something.

I'm expending too much time with a videogame, I'm hooked, and that gets me admiration from the kids, and some sense of acomplishments when I reach milestones and trophies. It distracts me from the drama, and it gives me some happy moments.

The downside is that it takes time from my studies. Because I don't play in family time. But the good news is that I just did 2 exams last week, and they went well, one I have confirmation I passed, the other I'm waiting for the grade/mark, but I'm hopeful.

Also, I'm not so unmotivated about studying as when the year started. So all in all, I feel things are a bit less cloudy.

Yesterday we had an awkward conversation about sex, and we took some of the tension off our shoulders. She's still feeling atraction towards me, so she gets in a good mood, even though she tells me she hates being attracted to me. Tonight her sisters are visiting, and she hates that too, but she's usually affectionate with me, as suddently I'm not the most annoying adult in the house, and I'm on her team. When we are around people, she seems to remember I'm on her side, it happens when we visit my family too.

I'll enjoy the good times while they last. 
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« Reply #14 on: February 12, 2019, 10:20:53 AM »


Tonight her sisters are visiting, and she hates that too, but she's usually affectionate with me, as suddently I'm not the most annoying adult in the house, and I'm on her team. When we are around people, she seems to remember I'm on her side, it happens when we visit my family too.
 

I have the same experiences.  When we are alone, she is cold as ice, even cruel.  But when we are in a social setting, she is generally speaking very warm and loving. 

The weird thing is that I believe both of those are genuine.  How do we make sense of that?
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« Reply #15 on: February 12, 2019, 10:37:39 AM »

I'd like to share something I experience on this topic.  I thought about making another thread, but this definitely falls under the heading of "coping with lack of love".

My pwBPD is ice, ice cold when we are alone (the majority of the time), and she only "allows" me one I Love You per day.  If I am too affectionate or verbalize my love for her in an amount she deems excessive, she gets FURIOUS and says that I am smothering her.  Then, if I withhold those I Love Yous and affection, she will sometimes compensate by being super affectionate to me and have paranoid dreams about losing me.  Sometimes she says her life would be nothing without me, and sometimes she'll tell me she doesn't care what happens with our relationship.  If we're in public and alone, it's much the same.  She looks at her phone the whole time and ignores me.  If we're in public and there's an audience, though, she parades me around as the best thing that has ever happened to her, is physically affectionate, and brags about me to others.  Which is true?  How am I supposed to feel secure about our relationship when I'm getting massively mixed signals?

Also, if I EVER feel needy or insecure and need a little reassurance, she literally never ever ever offers me support.  Ever.  In fact, if I vocalize that I'm feeling a little insecure and need some love, she gets extremely angry and spins it around on me - "What, you think I don't love you?  I wish you had more confidence in our relationship."  Etc.  It's a double standard, though.  She refuses to emotionally support me in any way... .  doesn't care how I'm feeling (literally says that), invalidates my feelings constantly, gaslights me constantly (actually accuses me of imagining entire conversations and even places/objects), and even sort of likes to kick me when I'm down.  I can't show any weakness whatsoever.  But if she is feeling insecure and needs support, I better drop everything I'm doing and come running.  And when I get there, I better say and do everything in this really bizarrely precise manner or it blows out of proportion. 

How can a person feel loved if their partner is doing this?  Doesn't this clearly communicate "I could not care less about you"?
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« Reply #16 on: February 12, 2019, 11:01:32 AM »

Joe,

I don't have any answers for you, but I just thought I'd let you know, your feelings are pretty much 100% identical to mine... .

It's so incredibly difficult to be in love with someone like that.  It requires a superhuman level of selflessness, patience, and understanding.  Extremely difficult.

At least you know that now.  I wish I'd understood what would be involved when I fell in love with my pwBPD... .  In retrospect, I might not have let that happen to me.  Now?  No easy answers... .Sometimes I feel utterly trapped.  And I'm still not sure how or whether to stick it out... .

Good luck
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« Reply #17 on: February 12, 2019, 01:35:58 PM »

Joe, that's great that you're feeling more motivated in your studies and that you passed your exam(s?)! Good for you!

And, yes, enjoy the good times and give lots of positive reinforcement. That can make those good times last longer.
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« Reply #18 on: February 13, 2019, 02:46:27 AM »

Well, it's over, the good times, I mean.

Her old frenemy, anorexia, interfered. I want to say "I scr... .d up" but I don't know how much taking responsibility of feeling guilty would help us. What do you think?

She complained about having "humongous thighs". We were kind of in a flirty mode, so instead of automaticaly answering "you are super skinny", I said something like (I'm translating from another language) "What are you talking about? I don't know how when you look in the mirror you don't say: Ohhh how hot I am! rather bony, but hot".

She answered "rather?, just rather?", and she went furious and crying in an instant. Saying she's done with eating at all, that the rest of the world can go F themselves but that she's gonna have the body she wants, and many things like that.

She's already on the other side of the limit of what is dangerously skinny. Her doctor gave her an ultimatum, therapy or commit her in-patient. Already about 2 years ago. She hasn't lost much since then, but she has still lost some.

We talked for some minutes and she answered like a child, like when my kids give excuses for not having a shower, even though they know having one is the good thing. She thanked me for triggering her, and setting her in the path of losing again. She didn't listen, but at least I managed to not say anything else triggering. I felt defeated.

Later at night she texted to apollogize, she said she reacted like a moron. Said I must be a saint for not hating her. I said something nice, she sent me a heart... .Later I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and when I came back, she was in my bed (she never sleeps with me anymore). I touched her head, and hair, she took my hand... .it was nice. Then suddently she got up as if she had heard a noise, she lokked at me with hate, and left.

No word since then. I went as every morning to her bed, and massaged her head a bit, she usually does some noise of approval, or says "oh, that's nice". She did none, but she didn't tell me "do not touch me!" either. So I'm back in the "I don't know where we are going" train.
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« Reply #19 on: February 13, 2019, 10:03:54 AM »

I want to say "I scr... .d up" but I don't know how much taking responsibility of feeling guilty would help us. What do you think?

How did you respond when she got furious and started crying and raging against eating? When she accused you of triggering her and tried to put her eating disorder on your shoulders? I'm just curious how the conversations go.

She can try to blame you, but you're not responsible for whether or not she eats. You're not responsible for how she behaves and whether or not she gets triggered. Yes, there are tools you can use to avoid that and lessen the impact, but, ultimately, that is not all on you.

Anorexia. I'm so sorry.  One of my sisters was anorexic as a teen and those years were absolute hell for my family. That's good she's seeing a doctor but ultimatums don't do much without action. Has she seen any sort of eating disorder specialist? Until my parents found one, my sister didn't even remotely start to get better. She has since admitted that until she saw a specialist, she was easily able to manipulate the other doctors. Of course, actually convincing her to see one probably wouldn't work. In my family's case my sister was a minor and had no choice. Not so easy with an adult.
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« Reply #20 on: February 13, 2019, 10:35:01 AM »

Well, it's over, the good times, I mean.

Her old frenemy, anorexia, interfered. I want to say "I scr... .d up" but I don't know how much taking responsibility of feeling guilty would help us. What do you think?

Don't take responsibility for her eating disorder.  You can express sympathy and validate her feelings, but admitting guilt for something you're not guilty of only encourages more distorted thinking and scape-goating.  You're enabling her and ultimately hurting her by apologizing for something you didn't do.

Quote from: JoeBPD81
She complained about having "humongous thighs". We were kind of in a flirty mode, so instead of automaticaly answering "you are super skinny", I said something like (I'm translating from another language) "What are you talking about? I don't know how when you look in the mirror you don't say: Ohhh how hot I am! rather bony, but hot".

She answered "rather?, just rather?", and she went furious and crying in an instant. Saying she's done with eating at all, that the rest of the world can go F themselves but that she's gonna have the body she wants, and many things like that.

That's clearly a distortion of reality on her part.  She may not be doing it consciously.  You could respond with something like, "It must be frustrating to look in the mirror and feel overweight".  Something like that.  These kind of validating responses saved me from a couple of meltdowns last night (thanks to reading and support from this website).

We talked for some minutes and she answered like a child, like when my kids give excuses for not having a shower, even though they know having one is the good thing. She thanked me for triggering her, and setting her in the path of losing again. She didn't listen, but at least I managed to not say anything else triggering. I felt defeated.

I hate this.  My SO does this all the time.  After she goes into a BPD rage, she will attack me over and over, trying to make me feel bad or sad.  Ultimately, I think her goal is to make me cry.  It's not right and it's not fair, especially when they latch onto you like a pitbull and won't let go.

Later at night she texted to apollogize, she said she reacted like a moron. Said I must be a saint for not hating her. I said something nice, she sent me a heart... .Later I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and when I came back, she was in my bed (she never sleeps with me anymore). I touched her head, and hair, she took my hand... .it was nice. Then suddently she got up as if she had heard a noise, she lokked at me with hate, and left.

Sudden splitting like that is hard to deal with.  It's like a switch going on and off.  I would not have touched her at that point... .  With my SO, I almost 100% of the time wait for her to ask for physical affection or for her to initiate it. 
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« Reply #21 on: February 14, 2019, 03:41:34 AM »

Good morning folks,

the roller coaster ride continues. Today is up.

First, I explain yesterday. Apparently when I fell asleep I left my "disgusting warm hand" on her back, and it was "very invasive". I had no clue.

When she talked to me, the story was that we were in peace, and she spoiled everything by coming and acting "normal" when she is not normal, so it was a huge mistake to come to my bed, and it wont happen again. That led to "we can't be a couple, and as I have feelings for you that I can't process, we can't be friends either". "you are fine, you are a good guy, but I'm a psyco, and I can't have a RS... .".

All morning like that. And me trying to validate and tell her that I love her, and that I don't want to split up. 

Everything reminded me of our son, 12. Everything he tries, he says he won't do it again at the 1st mistake. He won't ride a bike ever again, he won't skate, he won't try to swim... .He gets very angry at the world and final, and stubborn, and he's sure he won't try again, and gives every reason, and doesn't listen to anything. Then another day or some minutes later, he tries again, and he has ended up learning all those things.

She does that with our RS.

I tried to use that analogy, and tell her that even though we eventually bump into this situation again, we also have good times after that situation. Our RS is not only a string of problems.

Last week I fell hard roller skating. I hurt my back. I can remember many times I've fallen, specially learning. And I could describe my skating history as a succession of failures. Or I can say I've been skating for years, and that I enjoy it, and that I do many things that looked very difficult and impossible at the begining. Even though I can still fall and hurt myself.

I know I'm asking to see gray when her brain is in B/W mode. But it went making a small dent in her reasoning. She started saying shy positive things about us, and about the feelings she has for me. And she stopped saying that she was leaving.

I wish she would vervalize "I'm not leaving", "I want to work in this RS"... .But I don't have that luxury.

When I got home we hug for a long time. Later she took a nap in my bed while the kids were playing in peace. I joined, not touching her. And when she woke up, she curled by my side, we had a long tender moment. And it was heaven.

Not that I complain, but as we don't have sex very often, any intimacy ends up turning us up, and tender kisses end in sex. I wish she knew that I value the intimacy way more than the sex, but it gets mixed up.

Good news is that she's been very affectionate since.

Excerpt
How did you respond when she got furious and started crying and raging against eating?

I don't remember well. I panicked, because her life is in real danger already. I didn't let her get up and leave angry (not grabbing her). I mentioned her objective things that can tell her how skinny she is. The doctor's ultimatum, that she needs to buy her clothes kid size, because adult XS is too big for her... .That we need her alive, me and the kids... .My goal was to stop the spiral of negative thoughts in her head. I know where it leads.

She's almost 40 years old. She remembers throwing up at 11, because she thought she was fat. So it's been a life long struggle. She remembers only one happy stage in her life. And it was when she kept that at bay. She gave birth and she beated her anorexia for her baby. She gained plenty of weight, and she was happy and stable. The problem is that she doesn't link those two things. She thinks she was happy and stable for no reason. To me it's a clear consecuence, her brain was fed. Many of her syntoms are consistent with lack of vitamin B12, and vitamin D, which she has next to zero.

It's a very cruel illness.

When she started therapy, they thought her PTSD, deep depression, etc, was more urgent than her eating disorder. 1st she needs to have some will to live, then she can fight anorexia. Then came the BPD diagnosys. And she fits female Asperger's to the dot.

Excerpt
  My SO does this all the time.  After she goes into a BPD rage, she will attack me over and over, trying to make me feel bad or sad.  Ultimately, I think her goal is to make me cry.

I've had those too. Yesterday morning was kind of that. But when she talked about food, she wasn't like that. She told me several times "I know you mean well", and things like that. It's like Anorexia took over, and she was kidnapped. But she still knew it had nothing to do with me.

She had a mayor break through a couple of days ago. She understood and did succesfully the DBT thing about watching emotions/thoughts go, like things floating in a river. It won't happen always, but it's great that she got it, for the first time. She thought she wasn't capable, that it was Scy-Fi stuff.

Excerpt
With my SO, I almost 100% of the time wait for her to ask for physical affection or for her to initiate it. 

She never initiates, or asks. Outside those first months of affection, when she couldn't keep her hands off me. As she is rarely in my bed, this is usually a sign that she is comfortable with closeness and touch. Well, not "never", when she is in a very good mood, she can ask for a kiss or a hug, but it happens so rarely that I forgot. 

Anyway, I hope we all can have a peaceful nice and happy Valentine's day.

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« Reply #22 on: February 14, 2019, 09:08:12 AM »


Anyway, I hope we all can have a peaceful nice and happy Valentine's day.


I hope so, too, but mine has already ended up ridiculous.  I took her out to get a pedicure yesterday, and we tried to get some pizza afterward.  The pizza place was staffed by a bunch of really overwhelmed high school kids, though, so they got our order wrong 4 or 5 times and we kept having to send stuff back (she's really bratty when it comes to food in a restaurant).  In her frustration, she loudly told me "You're being annoying" in front of the whole restaurant, which was pretty hurtful and embarrassing, but I laughed it off. 

Then, this morning, I gave her a bunch of Valentine's Day stuff and breakfast to cheer her up.  But she was mad that I woke her up, and then our puppy s*** on the floor and she lost it.  Cried her eyes out for 20 minutes, partially because the dog has been having behavioral problems, but mostly because he did it on her birthday... .  as if a dog has any context of human birthdays.  She has childlike reactions like this all the time, but sometimes it takes the more poignant ones like this for me to re-absorb the fact that her emotions are extremely stunted and immature.  It's usually yelling and screaming, so the crying fits hit me much harder because they're more rare. 
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« Reply #23 on: February 15, 2019, 02:00:48 AM »

That's tough, mate.

For my SO crying is close to everyday. Do you have kids? Ours push her to the limit everyday. It's like they have a bucket list of annoying things that make their mom cry, and they need to check all the items on the list everyday, like groundhog day.

I envy that you can go for something to eat, or bring her breakfast. Food is such an important part of social interaction, and my SO skips it alltogether. But as you tell us, it's another thing that can go wrong and bring disregulation.

It is very hard when your SO is intellectually and adult, but emotionally a child. You don't know where you stand, and when you can talk things like an adult. PWBPD are usually very smart, my SO reads constantly, and she knows just about everything, she speaks several languages, plays a couple of instruments... .And then, you know her reactions. It is a huge contrast that is hard to grasp.

Best of luck in the day after, I hope you get some peace and kindness.
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« Reply #24 on: February 15, 2019, 02:23:28 PM »

Hi Joe,

I got kids,
They love and adore Mom.
But they really annoy her, it is tough.
I run interference the best I can but there is no school today or Monday.
Mom sees it and appreciates it.
Her physical deterioration scares her.
If she was well she would be like your partner.


Only recently are they starting to realize something is wrong with mom.
Mom is very scared as her physical health deteriorates.

Hang on Joe, it is a longer ride that a rollercoaster, It is like years of back to back hurricanes.
The devastation will take our best efforts for the rest of our lives to clean up.

I'm praying for you


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« Reply #25 on: February 18, 2019, 03:39:11 AM »

Thanks radoe,

you paint a very bleak picture, but it isn't far from the truth. I struggle to understand what role mental illness can play in God's plan, but I don't pretend I should understand God's plan with a mere human mind.

I've heard a nice description to that point. God's plan is like a beautiful tapestry, but we humans only see the back of it, and we can't make out the result, and we see ugly parts that don't make sense to us.

Anyway, I can't say I'm a religious person, but I was for a long time, and my upbringing was catholic. I can use all the prayers I can get, so thank you.
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