Feel Like an Idiot

[AllyinLove]

New here. Pretty much read through this entire forum in a matter of days. It’s been helpful but I thought I’d connect with others because I’m struggling.

Long story short: I met my uexBPD guy online. We had an on off strange friendship for years. Both in relationships but not married. It would lean romantic at times but then dissipate. We stopped speaking A LOT, mainly when my emotions got the best of me and I wanted to be more than friends.

Finally he comes to me to be together. And it was almost like he was high. Saying all these wonderful things. Telling me how much he has always loved me. We’re soulmates. He’s never loved anyone like this. It was amazing and literally everything I’ve ever wanted. But I was holding back a little emotionally because I’ve seen his patterns with others in the past. I didn’t want to be put up high then dropped.

Within weeks he started getting irritable with me for silly things. The most trivial things. It got to the point that I started thinking he disliked me. Though he claimed he did like me still.

Then he withdrew emotion completely. For a few weeks. And all we did is fight over the dumbest things. By fight, I mean he got angry and I generally just sat there and listened and tried to calm him down or reason with him.

His anger got intense at times but never physical. He told me he couldn’t trust me. I’m a compulsive liar. “How can you ever truly know and trust a person, all you can know is what they show you? How do you even know me?”

All this took its toll on me, so I’d pull back a little and try to have space. But then of course he’d match with needing even more space. And I’d feel him slipping from my life and come back, practically begging in tears to make it work. He saw this as me playing games. I think in some ways I was. I was always trying to do what I thought would make him love me. Feel pathetic saying it.

Finally it got so bad that we walked away. Several times. But this final one has been the longest stretch we’ve not spoken. It’s been about 4 weeks.

Problem is. I feel like the BPD one. At the end he was telling me to get help. (I do see a therapist.) And saying I was making his life hell and making him unhealthy. I walked away apologizing and telling him I only want the best for him, and hope he can find that without me.

I have a feeling he’s already started speaking to his exes again. They always seem to stay in his life.

So I feel guilty. Like I was the crazy one and he was reasonably asking for things. I feel like I ruined it because I reacted emotionally instead of meeting his needs. I feel like maybe he wasn’t asking for too much, maybe I just couldn’t give him the space he needed to come back to me in love. I feel stupid for going back so many times. For believing in the fantasy. For believing in the magic of love.

And the thing is... .right now I feel like he’s moving on and yet... .I still love him. I still genuinely love him and my greatest fear at this point is that I always will... .

Any suggestions? Encouragement? I am going through the grieving process of what feels like losing the best friend I’ll ever have. And the romance of my dreams.

[Mindfried]

Hi Ally,

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is all the heartache and conflict worth in in the long run. You are out of the relationship now and the pain is excruciating. But it will get better and you will come out a stronger person once you get through this and have more life experience. Relationships should be happy and healthy and something to look forward to. Just some food for thought. I believe we all know the answer to these questions in our hearts.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ally, Welcome!  Only you know when it's time to get off the roller coaster.  You're ready to get off, right?  I'm unsure from your post.  If you are hoping for another go-round, plenty of us have done it, including me.  Fill us in when you can.

LuckyJim

[Upandown]

It's called projection and gas lighting by him.  I've been through it with a BPD woman.  A "managed" relationship (as you were trying to do) is not a real and reciprocal relationship.  You were trying to manage it by adjusting your responses to him, or thinking how you could have adjusted them better.