Mom's Birthday

[herkey18]

My moms birthday is on Sunday and I know it is going to be hard for me because it is the first time in 40+ years that I won't call to wish her happy birthday or do something to celebrate her day. I have not talked to my parents since November.  That is because the last time that I did, my dad told me that I need to "knock it off" (setting these boundaries) and be more forgiving.   I have had no contact since November.  I blocked my parents numbers so that the only way they could reach me is to leave me a voicemail or come to my house because I was done trying to do things through text message.  I have heard through my brother that my dad has sent me a few texts since then, one apologizing, but I just don't think that you apologize over text message. My birthday is in December and my parents sent me a card and gift certificate to Barnes and Noble.
I am toying with the idea of sending my mom a birthday card. I found a pretty generic birthday card at the store today and bought it. But I am unsure if I should or not.  I would mainly be sending it to make myself feel better, to prove to myself and maybe her that I am not the cold daughter that she often tries to paint me as.  I also don't want to send a mixed message either. At this point I don't know how we will ever be able to move forward and I picture a future of no contact. I would like to have a relationship... .just a distant one.  What I am willing to give is not good enough for my parents and it usually ends with me in tears after being lectured to. Advice?

[Harri]

Hi Herkey.  Good to see you again.  How have you been otherwise?

About the card, do what would make you feel best.  I don't think there is a feel good option in this sort of situation, but there is a best.  If that means sending a generic card that says happy birthday and you sign your name, then do it.  If that means sending nothing, then do it.  A card does not mean and open door, not really.  They may see it as an opening but you are the one who gets to decide on that and you are capable of handling it.

 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Herkey,

I went NC for 4 years and am now LC. So I feel your frustration I was also very unsure in the first 6 months of NC. Why not keep your options open ? I would send my BPD cards, but still keep the boundaries up. Is that possibility for you ?
Your father apologising by text message might make it easier for him to do, it strips some of the emotion out, and apparently we Chaps can get emotionally awkward. Especially the types of chaps a BPD wants – my Dad would have done the same.

Why not write the card, you don’t have to post  or even mail it. It sounds from your post that you need a break right now. So do what’s best for you.  My NPD bro was my BPD golden child and he never sent a card to anyone. Years latter my BPD attributed all my card sending and other good deeds to her golden child, meaning my good behavior was always better invested with people that aren't BPD.  I hope this helps, and do what’s best for you and your mental health. Lets be honest you parents are doing whats best for themselves by the sounds of it   

[Vanilla Sky]

hi herkey18

I don't have much input on this as I am going through something very similar - my uNPD/uBPD mother's birthday is next month and I've been wondering what I will do since we are NC for 2 months now. But I wanted to thank you for sharing your history and thoughts here. This thread that you started will help me and might help others as well.  You are not alone   

[madeline7]

I am in a very similar situation with my uBPDm's bday on Sunday as well. I have been excluded (either by her or by my choosing the past 2 out of 4 bdays) from her bday celebrations, and have lots of ambivalence about attending this weekend. I just don't want my attendance to be determined by her deciding if she is talking to me or not. In the past few years, I have been very anxious about what to do when we are NC in terms of sending cards and still acknowledging her. Usually I still send her a card for a variety of reasons. I want to take the high road, be the person I want to be, be a role model for my kids, and yes, to get my sibling off my back when she accuses me of the NC "But I did send her a card and she is still not talking to me... ."). I realize this is not a great reason, and wish I could be strong enough to just say no more BS, and not have to prove myself to the BPD and her enablers, but I have grown up in this dysfunctional family and this is the best I can do for now. And this is better than enabling and constantly running back to her and the toxic family. All this being said, each person and family is unique and whatever works for you is what you should do. Just wanted to share my personal experience.

[herkey18]

Hi Herkey.  Good to see you again.  How have you been otherwise?

About the card, do what would make you feel best.  I don't think there is a feel good option in this sort of situation, but there is a best.  If that means sending a generic card that says happy birthday and you sign your name, then do it.  If that means sending nothing, then do it.  A card does not mean and open door, not really.  They may see it as an opening but you are the one who gets to decide on that and you are capable of handling it.

 

I am doing pretty well actually.  I was worried about how the holidays would feel, but they went really well and we kept busy with some of my husbands family. 

[herkey18]

Thank you everyone.  I decided to mail the card today.  It felt like the best option, and I am glad that I did it. I made the mistake of telling my daughter (she is 3) that we were going to mail a card for Grammy's birthday.  Then she kept asking if we were going to Grammy's house.  I felt like a jerk.  She loves her Grammy and I try to not bring her up. Today was the first time she had talked about Grammy, it is easier when we don't.

[herkey18]

I realize this is not a great reason, and wish I could be strong enough to just say no more BS, and not have to prove myself to the BPD and her enablers, but I have grown up in this dysfunctional family and this is the best I can do for now. And this is better than enabling and constantly running back to her and the toxic family. All this being said, each person and family is unique and whatever works for you is what you should do. Just wanted to share my personal experience.

I completely get this! Thanks for sharing.

[herkey18]

Why not keep your options open ? I would send my BPD cards, but still keep the boundaries up. Is that possibility for you ?

Yes.  After talking with my husband, decided that I can send the card and still be in control/keep boundaries.

[Harri]

Yes.  After talking with my husband, decided that I can send the card and still be in control/keep boundaries.

Good for you!   

[Notwendy]

I'm not NC with my BPD mom but my own "rule of thumb" is to send her something that I am OK about- regardless of how she will react. She may be happy, she may toss it in the trash. ( she's done both). What I send is about me, not her. I want to know that I feel I did something good, whether or not she agrees with that.

I understand how it is with the enabling Dad. Mine also encouraged me to "keep the peace" with her. Somehow though- she could do and say outrageous things but it was me ( and sibs) who dare not upset her and were expected to keep things nice.

As to the apology- consider that the text may be all he's allowed to do. The Karpman triangle was the best explanation for our situation too. If BPD mom was angry at me, Dad was expected to "take her side".  She listened in on his phone calls, read his e mails. I don't think any communication between me and my Dad was private, unless he contacted me on the sly.

However, Dad's apology may also be another way of bringing you back to the fold and have you make nice with her.

Boundaries are key here- send a card, but keep your boundary. I don't know if it is possible to be in contact with your father and not with your mother. In my case, they were a package deal- and if all e mails and phone communication was shared, there was no way to be in contact with him alone. Also anything you do say to your father in confidence could be shared with her. It was the case with my parents.

[herkey18]

When I was at the store picking out cards, I was realizing that all my life I have been fairly choosy with what the card says.  Before I believed to be UPD I would look through them, steering clear of the you're the best mother in the world.  It was an interesting realization that I have known something was not quite right for a very long time.  This disorder is so difficult because unlike alcoholism, or physical abuse, it is not so blatantly obvious that there is something wrong.  Especially with someone like my mom who is very high functioning.  I am sure all of you know what I am talking about trying to search for the right kind of card!

[herkey18]

I understand how it is with the enabling Dad. Mine also encouraged me to "keep the peace" with her. Somehow though- she could do and say outrageous things but it was me ( and sibs) who dare not upset her and were expected to keep things nice.

As to the apology- consider that the text may be all he's allowed to do. The Karpman triangle was the best explanation for our situation too. If BPD mom was angry at me, Dad was expected to "take her side".  She listened in on his phone calls, read his e mails. I don't think any communication between me and my Dad was private, unless he contacted me on the sly.

This is exactly how it is with my mom.  There have been a few times many years ago when he was very honest with me, and at one point told me that he was thinking of leaving my mom.  But more recently, it is like he has gone the other extreme.  Perhaps it is because it is too painful to recognize the cycle that he himself is in and step away.

[Turkish]

This is exactly how it is with my mom.  There have been a few times many years ago when he was very honest with me, and at one point told me that he was thinking of leaving my mom.  But more recently, it is like he has gone the other extreme.  Perhaps it is because it is too painful to recognize the cycle that he himself is in and step away.

Or he's used to it and feels it's too late to start over and he can just continue as he has been.

I hear you about the cards... .

[Notwendy]

My father would do that too- on occasion, he'd be honest, say he was going to leave her. But soon after, it seemed he would completely mesh with her. It was as if they were one person.

She knew how to wear his boundaries down. She also knew how to do that with me, but I have learned to maintain them. It's not easy- she's persistent. I also realize I don't live with her, but he did ( he's deceased). I think he just decided it would be easier to go along with her.

I also agree with you about not wanting to recognize his part in this. That has to be tough.

And the cards. The toughest ones are Mother's Day. I feel as if I am reading cards about some kind of fantasy. "to the most wonderful mother" . I try to get as generic a card as possible. For my mother's birthday- I send flowers. Seems odd- but you don't have to say anything with them- just the flowers. I'd rather do that than send a card that says something I don't relate to.

[madeline7]

A few years back when things were "good", I sent a lovely bday card to my Mom. Then a short time later I sent another lovely card to my Dad. (birthdays 1 month apart) Soon after, only my Dad would answer the phone and my Mom would not get on. After about 2 weeks I asked why Mom wouldn't speak to me. Dad said "Don't you know" I replied that I did not. He then explained that his card was a little nicer than her card (his cost $1 more and had 2 more lines of verse), and how dare I, and I needed to immediately send a card of apology to her. I told him she was being ridiculous and then ... you know what broke loose. He threatened me that if I did not send another card that I would no longer have parents. So I caved and reluctantly sent a card. And for the next few years I would buy their bday cards at the same time to ensure that hers was a little :nicer" than his. How messed up is that and I can't believe that I went along with that BS. Now that my Dad is passed, I no longer have to do this,and how sad that his passing is what has prompted me to make healthy changes to my life. The card buying, esp on Mothers Day as Not Wendy said is also emotionally charged for me.  This post could not have been more timely, as today is my mom's bday!

[herkey18]

A few years back when things were "good", I sent a lovely bday card to my Mom. Then a short time later I sent another lovely card to my Dad. (birthdays 1 month apart) Soon after, only my Dad would answer the phone and my Mom would not get on. After about 2 weeks I asked why Mom wouldn't speak to me. Dad said "Don't you know" I replied that I did not. He then explained that his card was a little nicer than her card (his cost $1 more and had 2 more lines of verse), and how dare I, and I needed to immediately send a card of apology to her. I told him she was being ridiculous and then ... you know what broke loose. He threatened me that if I did not send another card that I would no longer have parents. So I caved and reluctantly sent a card. And for the next few years I would buy their bday cards at the same time to ensure that hers was a little :nicer" than his. How messed up is that and I can't believe that I went along with that BS. Now that my Dad is passed, I no longer have to do this,and how sad that his passing is what has prompted me to make healthy changes to my life. The card buying, esp on Mothers Day as Not Wendy said is also emotionally charged for me.  This post could not have been more timely, as today is my mom's bday!

I can completely relate to this.  I get it!

[herkey18]

For my mother's birthday- I send flowers. Seems odd- but you don't have to say anything with them- just the flowers. I'd rather do that than send a card that says something I don't relate to.

Great idea about the flowers.  I will keep that in mind for mother's day.

[Notwendy]

Now that my Dad is passed, I no longer have to do this,and how sad that his passing is what has prompted me to make healthy changes to my life.

Me too. It was hard to lose him. I felt he was my only "parent" as BPD mom has not acted like a parent to me. Even though there were challenges with my parents, I was attached to my father and missed him. Yet, along with the grief was this odd sense of relief- that I no longer needed to tolerate how my mother treated me in order to have a relationship with him. I also was able to make positive changes.

[Allnighter]

And the cards. The toughest ones are Mother's Day. I feel as if I am reading cards about some kind of fantasy. "to the most wonderful mother" . I try to get as generic a card as possible. For my mother's birthday- I send flowers. Seems odd- but you don't have to say anything with them- just the flowers. I'd rather do that than send a card that says something I don't relate to.

This Christmas, my mom made us kids a “mixtape” - a Spotify playlist.

This really breaks my heart. It’s called “Songs for the Weary” and some of the songs are really great - they’re for encouraging us when things are hard and we are down, which she can often do on her “up” days or when she is trying to prove that she is good. The rest of the songs are about mothers.

La La Lu from Lady & the Tramp. Your Mother and Mine from Peter Pan. Baby Mine from Dumbo.

I recently showed my boyfriend one of the awesome/nice songs from the list. And the mother songs started playing. And I just fell apart. Because each of those songs I used to cringe during that whole part of the movie. Because I never knew what it was like to have the connection they were singing of with my mother. I never felt that unconditional love. Same with scenes like when Jo March’s mom gives her the pep talk to go to New York, etc. cards for holidays that say “best mother in the world.” It all reminds me, like you said, of a fantasy. The fantasy that I am only just beginning to let go of as of a couple months ago. I’m currently not only mourning that I “never had that,” but also never will. Not from her anyway, have to provide it for myself.

I am tired of the ever-constant reminders. They are. Every. Where. They are always a slap on the face. Watching characters on TV like Parenthood or This Is Us resolve conflicts - I never had that. It’s so sad what child-me accepted as a substitute for love. I didn’t know any better. 

The saddest thing? My BPD mom hears those songs and thinks we feel that way about her. She thinks we have that bond. She doesn’t even know what love is. I think she thinks she did a great job because it was so much better than what she got from her own mother. It breaks my heart that she is so out of touch with reality, and I still (due to her brand of abuse that made me think I was always the one to hurt her) feels guilty for feeling this way. There are residual feelings that I’m a terrible person because I don’t feel she gave me enough. I really can’t wait to shake that feeling and cut her off from the opportunity to do that to me.

I am so worried that I will mess up my own kids. I am working so hard not to be the way my mom was.

[Allnighter]

Not to keep going on and on, but speaking of fathers, he and I always had the bond too. Everything I write to him, my mom reads. No boundaries. But once upon a time, when he would drive me to places, he would get me a little piece of candy or show me his favorite music that my mom hated and wouldn’t let him listen to. Sometimes we would watch a movie she didn’t care about. He would give me quarters for taking care of my little brothers. We had our “things.” We bonded. Even when he would sit back and let abuse happen, I couldn’t blame him because I sensed he was in the same boat as us. And when we were in the car, we could talk about reality. We could complain about my mom. We could be honest with each other. If we ever fought, the fight would disappear like magic later. I always knew we fought just because he HAD to take the same side as my mom. Still true. But anyway.

One day, my mom caught my dad smoking in secret. Like buckets of mints and white gloves sneaking in a smoke in the backyard secret. When I found out I truly didn’t blame him. He has no control over anything in his life. I still don’t blame him. But what I do blame him for is this. They went to couples therapy. And my mom manipulated the therapist into thinking she was the victim of my dad (sth my brothers and even my dad always bought). So my dad told me we weren’t gonna “complain behind mom’s back anymore.”

That was the moment he officially abandoned me. I feel he left me that day. He chose her over me that day. I feel that my dad died on some level that day. I remember as a child imagining what would happen if my dad died, how sad I would be. He always used to sing me songs at night and hold my hand and be nice to me... .we had a bond. Then I’d try to think about how I’d feel if my mom died and the only emotion I felt would be guilt. I’m still terrified of the guilt I’d feel if my mom died suddenly (catastrophizig like her, I know). I’d feel like I should’ve done more to make things better or help her to get help. But I know she can only help herself.

Anyway. I’m mourning the loss of my dad as protector. He never defended me. Only sat by in silence so he wouldn’t fall under fire, and corroborated my mom when he needed to to get in her good graces. I’m so mad at him for abandoning me, but that anger is hard to express because I feel so bad for him. Getting manipulated into a marriage at age 17 after a childhood of abuse and neglect - which my mom had too, but she is mean. My dad was always pretty much nice.

Anyway really depressing feelings to work through.the point: Yesterday was his birthday. My mom is in a big silent fight with me where she tried to see f I’ll let down my boundaries and have a particular fight with me. But I texted my dad asking if he was free on the 22nd because there’s a concert with one of our favorite artists/star of one of our favorite movies! But he said “with the way you’ve been behaving lately, I can’t think of a reason why I’d possibly want to come to New York.” I feel like that will always cut me to the bone. Such conditional affection and love. I didn’t even do anything to him. He just has to take my mom’s side. She took him away from me. Now I’ll be going to that concert all alone, wishing my daddy were there... .don’t even call him that anymore, so basically I’ll be wishing my daddy didn’t leave me/die... .God that’s so sad. I heard the term “emotional orphan” today. That’s how I feel. I’ve always related to orphan stories and single parent stories and stories about a parent leaving. Guess I know why now.

[Allnighter]

I guess the real kicker is - it’s his loss. He’s he one who doesn’t get to see a concert for his birthday because he had to be a petty child. So why does it hurt ME and why did he know it would hurt me so much, and why did he do it to hurt me? It could’ve been so fun. I really wanted that with him. But I had to pretend it didn’t bother me. Which hurt HIM. So now he really won’t give in. Ughhhhhhh

[Notwendy]

That was the moment he officially abandoned me. I feel he left me that day. He chose her over me

Reading your story, I thought you could have been my sister. My Dad did all the things you wrote about, we had our own little bonds like you did. Yet my father was also enmeshed with my mother. She read everything I wrote to him, listened in on my phone calls.

My father died after a long illness. When he first got ill, he said he wanted to leave my mother. Had he been serious about it, I would have helped him. I couldn't stand the way she treated him. His health care team assumed he was being sent home to his loving wife who would take care of him. They both played along with this illusion. I was genuinely concerned for his well being. I exposed the truth- to him, and the medical staff.

That was the time he abandoned me, seemed completely enmeshed with her. They were one person, one voice. I became the persecutor on their triangle, he "rescued" her from "me". I naively thought I was trying to help him, but basically fell into the Karpman triangle of dysfunction that seemed to bond the two of them against anyone who seemed to be a threat.

I understand where you are coming from, because as long as my father was alive, I longed for that bond. I had hope, and continued to hope until he died. I didn't get my wish.

Like you though, I have also realized it is his loss. He has a daughter who loved him and I was kind to him. I would have done almost anything for him- except what he wanted which was to enable my BPD mother and allow her to emotionally abuse me and manipulate my children. I couldn't do that. It basically came down to that- my mother's feeling and wishes were the main priority. It was all about her. Conditional love. I wonder if it always was.

I would say to you- keep trying to make contact with your father but keep your boundaries. I hope that yours does reconcile and come around. However, if he doesn't- I hope you don't take that personally. It's not you. It's the nature of his relationship with your mother. Act according to your own values with him. I hope he sees it. Love and kindness are never wasted but love and care for yourself too.

[Allnighter]

Thank you for sharing! And for your wishes about my dad. I will keep trying while keeping up my boundaries and try to remember it’s not personal. Even though it hurts in its own way that it can’t be about his daughter you know? But it hurts less than a personal rejection. I’m really sorry your dad didn’t come around. You deserved for him to. But I’m sure he loved you  sounds like he did. Maybe your mom’s love was more the conditional love than his.

[Notwendy]

Thanks, I think my Dad loved me, but had a tough situation to deal with. I don't think my mother loves anyone. She's too mentally ill. She's so wrapped up in her own sense of victim hood- she doesn't have the ability to see another person for who they are. To her, we are all against her in some way.

My father would at times seem lucid about the situation and yet, his behavior was enmeshed with her. Whatever she wanted- that was how it was going to be. If she was angry at me, he'd align with her. She controlled his relationship with anyone. She was his main focus and her will prevailed.

Perhaps one issue for us is that, we may cause a cognitive dissonance for people who are enmeshed with our mothers. To live in her world with any sense of peace, one has to let her reality rule, otherwise it's a constant conflict and it would be hard to keep that up.

Something like asking your dad to a concert is so-- normal. Also I doubt your mother would allow him to go but he wouldn't admit that to you, so he pretends he doesn't want to. I understand how you can feel like an "emotional orphan".

[Allnighter]

Cognitive dissonance is a term I understand so well. Thank you for putting it that way. It sure would be a lot of cognitive dissonance to accept that realitybisnso different from what my mom says. It sure has been really hard for me and I’ve been out of the house for 9 years... ! Thank you for helping me make it even a little less personal for me.

[HappyChappy]

Allnighter, I would say Wendy's last post reflected my parental dynamic to the letter. People with BPD seem to be more predictable in their behavior than we norms, including the dynamic they set up (triangulation etc... .). They can't change, we can. That's our Ace in the game. You can get better and heal, unfortunately our BPD mothers are far, far less likely to change.   

[chronsweet]

They can't change, we can. That's our Ace in the game. You can get better and heal, unfortunately our BPD mothers are far, far less likely to change.    

Yes, this!  All this.  Most of us are here because we want to change.  We see a different way of being.  We want to be more to our children, our husbands/wives.  We want to break the cycle of emotional abuse.  We can SEE and IMAGINE a way to live that is better than causing another human being to suffer.  It may be hard work to break free, but it is worthy work indeed.

[Only Human]

I am locking this thread because it has reached its length limit. The post originator is welcomed to open a continuation thread on this topic.  Have a great day.