BPD daughter in college

[smilepretty]

New to group, new to BPD Family, first post. 

My 18 yr old Daughter is a freshman at college. She begrudgingly spent a year at a therapeutic boarding school and only wanted to go on to college and be "normal" in a place where "normal" kids are.  Did well at boarding school and we felt giving her the opportunity at college was appropriate given the school we chose and the accommodations she receives there. She is managing very well except for the roommate situation. First roommate already moved out, unclear who was causing the unhappiness between them but the other girl wanted to move out so we didn't stand in her way.  Roommmate 2 moved in abt a month ago.  She and my DD were getting along, eating together, sharing everything, I actually cried bc it all sounded great.  Now my DD is seeing a boy and I found out she and the roommate have been fighting for the last 10 or so days, RA had to get involved as well as the faculty member assigned to her dorm.  (This process happened with Roommate 1 as well,   leading me to believe she must have a red flag of sorts on her file).  My DD also had 2 bad experiences at boarding school -basically she couldn't get along with either girl that lived in her room. 

I'm agitated and sick to my stomach over this.  She maintains she is being respectful and accommodating to the roommates needs and swears up and down she and the BF aren't overstaying their welcome in her room. However, guessing that isn't the case.  My DD does not accurately report information: she probably thinks she is being an angel and that her RM is the problem.  I cannot get her to even contemplate the fact that her BF might be an intrusion in the room.  Obviously if the RM doesn't want the BF there ever that would be a problem but I don't think it is.

Should my DD have a single at this point? 4 bad RM's in 2 years?  Here's my problem: if we ask the office of disabilities to accommodate and give her single : 1-she'll never learn how to get along with a person she is living with; 2-she won't have someone else's "regular schedule" to try to mimic (my DD keeps ungodly hours which could also be contributing to the problem); 3-said BF will liekly be staying there every night and at 18 I don't want her "living" with a new BF; 4-its isolating. On the flip side, if this is causing so much stress, why i am forcing her to have a roommate? Maybe her BPD prevents her from being able to be a roommate to anyone.  OR should she have to confront/deal/process this situation? 

Yes, on meds and in therapy regularly. Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi smilepretty
Welcome to the bpdfamily 

You sound very fed up with the ongoing drama surrounding your daughter's RMs and I can certainly understand your comceen about the boyfriend.  Im sure this is compounded by the fact it is happening in a dorm rather than unsee your roof. On the one hand it makes it more difficult to enforce boundaries but on the other hand it allows you tobstep back and view from the outside.

I learnt very early when I came here to step back from the drama. I has been trying to rescue my daughter and nearly lost me in the process. I am learning that I have to adjust my own behaviours and communication style to best supprt her. I used to try and hold her accountable and that always ended badly with her feeling like I didnt understand or love her.

You mention that your daughter is on meds. Are you able to share a little more about her situation. Do you have good suppprt for yourself as well. Sometimes in helping our children we forget about us.

I looknforward to hearing from you. We are here to listen and support.

Merlot

[smilepretty]

Hi Merlot, thanks for your response.  I fully agree that the distance is important-if this was happening under my roof (obv the RM situation wouldn't be under my roof but you get my drift) I would have more control. And I also agree that working on my own behaviors and communication is key.  I keep reminding myself that she needs me to be her governor as she has none, but that is compounded by the fact that what she wants to handle alone is too challenging for her.

For those with BPD DD/DS in college, any tips? Trying to decide if she should try to not have a roommate at all.

[once removed]

For those with BPD DD/DS in college, any tips? Trying to decide if she should try to not have a roommate at all.

there are a lot of considerations here youve laid out pretty well.

whats her take on what happened, and whether or not she wants to have a roommate?

[smilepretty]

Her take on RM #2 is that she's done nothing wrong (but my DD has a new BF who I'm guessing is in the room far more than the RM would like).  She'd like a single just so she doesn't have to deal, and am thinking that the ongoing torture cycle would be broken. But a single opens her up to host of other problems. My stomach is in knots over this.
.

[wendydarling]

Hi smilepretty

That's a tough situation, I can understand you are anxious either way, you've set it out well. Has your DD made up her mind to go for a single?

WDx

[smilepretty]

At this point we have to wait and see what the school is willing to do.

[once removed]

keep us posted... .

[smilepretty]

Are you sitting down? My daughter arrived back at school last night... .she's been "ghosted" (as the kids say!).  The roommate moved out without us knowing.  She's relieved/thrilled to not have to deal.  Me, not so much.  What the heck?  I have a problem with the fact that the school that allowed her to move out without telling my daughter (who spent a good part of the break perseverating on the situation, as did I!)  And they never had a chance to work it out or try to be mature.  My DD loves the fact that she can avoid the confrontation altogether but something is fishy here.  If my daughter did ANYTHING that would get her in trouble, I feel like the school would call.  My DD is sober btw, so she isn't partying in the room.

[No-One]

SmilePretty:
I think there is still a learning opportunity with your daughter.  Roommate situations can be difficult, even when everyone has a private bedroom.  A dorm room has to pose a lot of challenges for students who really want to focus a lot more on studies, than on socializing.

Just wondering if the school uses some means to screen roommates and attempt to pair roommates that would likely be more suited for each other.  i.e. a morning person and a night person would have challenges living in one room together. Two morning people or two night owls would make better roommates

If you don't have a copy of the dorm rules, you might want to acquire them and make sure you daughter is clear on them.  It's quite probable that your daughter and the roommate had different interpretations on what the problems were.

Whether your daughter may get another roommate now or during some later semester, it could help her to prepare for a negotiation early on with a new roommate:  i.e.

1. Clarify what the dorm rules are.  Make sure both roomies confirm that they know them.

2. Negotiate with the new roommate on additional rules (beyond published generic dorm rules).  If your daughter's old roomie had a problem with your daughter's boyfriend being around too much (too affectionate, too much noise, etc.), that might be something you daughter could be proactive with.  You could be technically following the dorm rules, but still have an unhappy roommate

i.e.:  Although dorm rules might allow for visitors until certain hours, it could make for a better roommate relationship to work on getting along in this regard.  Someone with an early morning class wants to get to bed early, so an extra person in the room and noise will be a problem for them.

Sometimes, with negotiation, both parties can make some compromises that can lead to a better roommate relationship.  Making a list of possible problem areas (visitors, noise issues, tidiness, etc.) and discussing with a new roommate immediately, could head off some problems with a new roommate situation.

Just sharing some thoughts for consideration.  Your daughter can still have a opportunity ahead with a new roommate, if she prepares for it. Perhaps a school counselor could assist with some negotiations with a potential new roommate.   It could help to gain the specifics of what the roommate's side of the story was.  There are likely different versions of the story.

[smilepretty]

No-one, that is all really good advice.  The school is mid-size, so the students do fill out a lengthy questionaire prior to dorm assignments.  The RA is supposed to go over a roommate agreement, but with RM #2 it fell through the cracks.  The biggest problem I've learned is sadly my DD, who is not receptive to anyone else's needs, does not want any restrictions on her behavior, is boldly inconsiderate and often believes her own lies.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[dubiousraves]

My BPD daughter is a senior now and it was a bumpy road all the way through with roommates. Her first year, she was in a triple room and had lots of conflicts over how messy she was and smoking in the dorm. The second year, she was in a suite with 6 girls that were her friends. They each had their own room but shared a common space and bathroom. She spent the first semester smoking weed all day with them and getting into lots of arguments over petty jealousies. Then, her eating disorder relapsed and she was put on housing probation for having drugs in her room, so we moved her out to a studio apt and she got intensive treatment instead. The studio allowed her to do what she wanted but it was a pigsty and fire hazard and she was very socially isolated which made her paranoid. She was in an IOP for the summer and in the fall she moved into a 2 bedroom university apt. with a graduate student. This has been the best set-up so far. The graduate student did not engage much with her but did have certain standards she wanted maintained. My daughter's room was a mess but she kept the common space tidy and did not smoke weed in the apt. This year, her final year, she moved into a two bedroom apt with a friend. And again its been a roller coaster of emotion. We are not getting involved in the conflicts this time though.

Honestly, my daughter is not a great roommate, if I had a regular kid who was rooming with her, I would likely advocate that they be moved. Maybe see if the university has a suite  or apartment set-up where she can have her own tiny bedroom but still share common spaces so she can learn to maintain boundaries and get along with others.

 

[smilepretty]

Dubiousraves: Thank you so much for sharing your DD's story. I'm impressed that she went into and IOP for the summer... .I'm hoping for that so she can get back into DBT with more consistency.  I am having a call with her therapist this morning to discuss how we can help my DD be more self-aware.  It's becoming a bigger problem... .since RM #2 moved out, the BF is basically living in her dorm and she hasn't spent any time with whatever girl friends she may have made.  If she's happy then IDC but she won't understand why the girls won't ask her to room next year.

[2girls2canines]

Hello! I was wondering how things turned out? My daughter is supposed to graduate in May - every roommate she has had moved out early - DD says they were the problem obviously, but their parents told a different story that painted our DD in a very negative light. truthfully, our DD was probably at fault. As soon as she gets comfortable with someone, they are subject to her wrath - and no one but family, could deal with much of that.
We are trying to figure out how much to help our DD her last semester. Honestly, she would not be in a position to graduate if it weren't for my constant academic assistance and serving as her personal secretary/assistant. She is going to grad school next year, and I am just exhausted with school and her drama.

[smilepretty]

Hi 2girls2canines!  I read your other post about "over-helping" your daughter.  Mine DD18 needs ALOT of help, guidance, prodding, refocusing, motivating... .call it whatever you like!  This morning I had to say to her "you do have time to do everything like pack, clean your room, hang with the dog, pick your nose (LOL) if you can resist the pull of your bed.  It's hard to get things done when you immediately get in bed when you enter your room and don't move for 1/2 day.  Don't do it!" There are times you have to rescue your DD no matter how old bc the crash and burn is devastating.  If your DD is asking for your help and you are helping her bc you love her and if she is grateful for your help then you have no reason not to help. Now that my DD is finally accepting our help, I am more than willing to take care of stuff for her that is stressful.  She is limited right now in what she can handle and I am ok with micro-managing her crap.  In terms of the roommate situation, I have had to get involved, calling the RA, faculty advisor for housing and disabilities office because she wouldn't/couldn't. If I left her to figure it out, I could see the stress putting her over the edge and possibly causing her to drop out.

So as of now, no roommate and no ability to see that her choices (sleeping with the laptop on and playing netflix, not putting her phone on DND so it vibrates with every stupid snapchat or notification, eating at midnight, inviting multiple boys over, the list goes on). We are hoping to enjoy a few days away as a family and then we will sit down and talk over her options for the spring.  My instincts are usually strong, but not this time. I believe she shouldn't have a roommate right now and that not having the stress of worrying about accommodating a stranger in 250 square feet might be more important than the life lesson I feel like I 'm forcing her to confront. Having her share a hotel room with my DD16 should be an interesting experiment.

Now that your DD is 22, you might want to guide her like a sherpa but not follow through as much.  Let her experience small failures as much as you can. for example, If she fails a test and doesn't contact the prof, you have to give her suggestions on how to fix it , but not fix it for her.  The stakes are high now, but will be higher if she gets fired or can't make rent. 

[Mirsa]

Hi,

I'm just wondering whether your DD has been able to maintain successful friendships over the years with other children and girls?  My BPD DD has not ever had a friend for longer than 4-6 months.  She cycles through friends on a constant basis, and has been doing so ever since she was three years old.  It's never her fault, and she has learned absolutely zero over the years about how to resolve problems with others and how to be loving and kind towards others.  Her arrogance and superiority drive girls away relentlessly.  Now that she has discovered the world of boys and men, she has had four boyfriends in the past 12 months.  So, the cycle begins anew, just with a different gender now. 

If she hasn't had successful friendships in the past, I personally wouldn't expect her to learn how to do this at college.  I also wouldn't intervene.  Let her resolve her own problems and experience the consequences of her nasty behavior.   

While she is away for the semester, it could be a great time for you to take care of yourself, learn to detach with love, and get centered and restored for her inevitable return home.   

Good luck!

[smilepretty]

Hi Mirsa, my DD has had some friendships over the high school years, but they were primarily long distance or with kids from other towns.  From time to time she'd have a best friend, then drive them away or they'd do something pretty typically adolescent and she would cut them off. 

She has been able to keep boyfriends since she was about 15.  Luckily, the first 3 or 4 were not from our town and therefore parents had to be involved to drive etc. She has a new bf in college but they seem very happy. There is DEFINITELY a component to the love/sexuality that my DD has with a boy that makes it easier for her to maintain the relationship.  In my total non-expert opinion, bc her bf relationships are more intense and physical, she must feel a sense of control and therefore can handle if her bf acts badly (which he doesn't seem to).
 I

[Mirsa]

Hi,

Just doing the math, if your daughter started dating at 15 and has dated 4 boyfriends, and now a fifth one at age 18, then each relationship lasts approximately 5-6 months or so?  Maybe a month in between them?   And I agree, long-distance friendships and relationships are easier for some BPDs to maintain, because the day-to-day realities don't have to be managed.  

So, it sounds as though she doesn't have a lot of success in close relationships with people her own age and that roommates may be a huge challenge for her.

I tend to look for patterns in my BPD daughter's relationships, so I know that she follows a pretty typical narcissistic pattern:  Love-bombing for 2-3 months, then cracks appear in months 4-5, and lots of drama and a complete discard by month 6.   She seems to be the only one who doesn't realize this is a problem.  And I feel sorry for the poor boys she targets... .they tend to be geeky, somewhat awkward, skinny white boys who are a little shy, and totally amazed that they somehow attracted someone as beautiful and vivacious as my daughter.  Poor fellas.  She chews them up and spits them out.  She doesn't go for anyone who has any actual confidence or is a powerhouse in any way.  She picks the poor saps she can dominate.   The boy from this summer, told my younger daughter, when she asked him, "Is college hard?"  He said, "nothing is ever gonna' be harder than dating your sister!"  

Girls won't have much to do with her at this point.  

I have to admit this is simply who she is.  It's easier to accept who she is than to hope that she will change.  Maybe she will realize she has a problem, but quite possibly she won't.  There will always be a new boy in the wings to drool over her and give her the love supply she needs.

Good luck with your little dynamo!

[smilepretty]

Mirsa, your math is pretty close.  The first 2 boyfriends were each abt 6 months, the 3rd was over a year (again while she was in boarding school and he was on gap year for ptsd issues) and this relationship has been abt 3 months so far. IT seems to be a good, stable, fun relationship but again, it comes at the cost of her friendships.  Your DD's pattern is exactly what mines looked like too.  Love-bombing is a great way to call it-we just say smothering! It's all encompassing and she becomes waaayyy too intense and demanding.  Maybe some of the boys at the recieveing end are into it, bc as you said, they are "getting " girls they otherwise wouldn't.  Girls just realize my DD is a high maintenance friend and like with all of her other issues, she was to want to see that other peoples needs are important too, otherwise no relationship will stand the test of time.

Just an update to everyone following: after applying to move out of the dorm bc she claimed "debilitating anxiety" at the thought of another roommate, we went thru disability and then housing told her she could buy out the other half of the  double for less $. So the decision has been made to avoid any further headache and drama, we paid the additional $.  I feel like I kind of have the upper hand now to be able to say we have done EVERYTHING possible for her, no excuses will be tolerated. I HATE that we changed her environment to accommodate her AND (therapist likes us to say AND instead of BUT) I know we did the right thing for her for now.  Please tell me I'm not out of my mind... .its a very mixed message in my head, and I'm guessing one for her too. What compounds it is her insistence on switching out of classes bc the prof is "the devil" or "evil" for assigning homework.  When I mentioned that college will continue to get harder and more demanding and that she won't always be able to switch, or she might switch and end up in a worse situation, I was told I don't understand and never will. 

[Mirsa]

Thanks for the update.  I'm glad there was a way to resolve the situation for this semester.  Is there a way for her to have a single next year?  And, if it costs more, could she save up during a summer job to help pay the difference?  I'm always looking for ways to hold my DD accountable for her own poor behavior.  Is there a way she can reimburse you for the costs of the additional fees this year?  Of course, that would involve admitting her part in the problem and taking responsibility for the solution... .two things my BPD absolutely cannot seem to do... .  It's always so much easier to come up with ideas and solutions for someone else's kid ! 

Best wishes.

[smilepretty]

Yes, we talked abt both pf those things-working on a single for next year but housing is already presenting a problem (she didn't get a room in the sorority house ((which is fine and only 10 girls live there anyway) but the other girl she talked about living in a suite with apparently is no longer talking to my DD and of course, my DD has no idea why! Now she'd like to live off campus next fall with upper classmen but that is not an option for us-too much responsibility, too $$$, needing a  car, etc.  The fact that her school allows exemptions for sophomores to live off campus doesn't mean she needs to apply for every darn exemption!  Now she has no one to live with next year, plus her boyfriend didn't get into a frat, so I see things starting to unravel a tiny bit.  And IF she can find a summer job, that  $ will go towards dues.  She did pay for half of the room buyout with savings.  Holding her accountable where I can!

Going to start a new thread with a new project... .changing psychiatrists.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

She did pay for half of the room buyout with savings.  Holding her accountable where I can!

Awesome job, SP! Baby steps 

~ OH

[Mirsa]

Oh good!  So glad you were able to find a way to hold her accountable too.   Isn't it frustrating to watch them wonder over and over why they don't have any friends and never realize that THEY are the common denominator?   Smh. 

Good luck with planning for sophomore year.