2 situations With BPD friends/associates stemming from patterns with BPD parent

[CautiousHopeful]

Hello! I currently have two scenarios I'm trying to figure out a response to. I am in these scenarios because of the patterns I learned growing up with an uBPD mother, and certain types of people with BPD tendencies seem to seek me out as their caretaker, a trap I can fall into before I've realised what's going on.

Situation 1
I had recently relinquished a long term friendship, realising this friend since childhood was almost a carbon copy of my mother, but was blind to it for years because of growing up with certain behaviours being 'normal'. This friend has always been angry at everyone in her life, bitterly complaining about all the members of her family, friends and work associates. I have been patient and kind with her, but realised I left every occasion spending time with her feeling utterly drained and a less happy person. Where I attempted to point out ways she could improve the situation regarding whatever her current complaint was, she didn't want to know. She just wanted to make everyone else wrong and blame them for her bad feelings. As I've started to withdraw from this friendship she has become more possessive in relation to me, seeking social catch ups but then acting out passively aggressively to me because she has sensed I'm pulling away. So I had just stopped contacting her, but after she sent a birthday greeting, I did say thank you for that. She has now invited me to an event at her house (like a Tupperware sales thing but for clothing). I definitely don't want to go so I won't, but thinking about whether I even respond I'm not sure whether to at all. In the past even minor suggestions of me pulling away from her have led to statements from her such as "why don't you get a gun out and just shoot me", so she can become really toxic in a very intense way. Part of me wants to call out her very non-adult behaviour, but I expect this will lead to even more volatile rage, so thinking maybe best option is no contact. She can fluctuate between passive aggression to outright verbal attack.

Sitation 2
I'm a graduate student, and a professor within our department asked myself and some others to befriend a visiting scholar from overseas. This seemed slightly weird but I thought the visitor might be a bit lonely and that this is why it was suggested. So I made contact with the person and caught up with them a few times. I was unwittingly kind and friendly, and she formed an intense attachment to me (the reason I think now why the professor palmed her off onto others to deal with her). When I say an intense attachment, she seems to perceive me as a nurturing person who will be patient and kind with her, but so much so on return to her own country she has been repeatedly emailing me. Before going back she told me about her suicide attempts and being in the psychiatric hospital. As her emails have felt not at all healthy I haven't been responding to them, but this has led to her saying that she is sad people back here are not responding to her, and her latest email is demanding to know why I'm not answering her. I do not know whether to continue not responding. There does seem to be a BPD-like intense fear of abandonment. I don't know whether to send a message saying I am dealing with some challenging things right now and cannot converse with her (which is true but she definitely won't like it), or simply not respond at all.

I understand I need to make my own decisions about how and if to respond. But I just wondered if others have been through similar dynamics, how they have handled them and what the outcome has been?

My radar for needy, dependent people is starting to improve, as I have been through so many situations like this previously but I'm getting at least a little less naive about falling into these traps. I always have compassion for people which is like both my strength and weakness, but realising I must always include compassion for myself in the equation, and if someone is being demanding and abusive I do not have to take it, nor am I responsible for their feelings of abandonment. I very much want to unlearn the caretaker role I was taught in childhood, and realise that intellectually understanding that pattern is the first step, but implementing new ways of being can take a bit longer.

[No-One]

It's good that you are recognizing your past patterns and are striving to make better decisions regarding healthy friendships. As someone who is very familiar with "the disease to please", I say no to both. Neither situation is a healthy relationship for you.  You can't fix them.

Situation 1:
Sounds wise not to go.  Probably best to stay silent.  A text msg., phone call or email will only lead to perpetuating the relationship.  The safest thing might be to send a short note via snail mail, but even that could prompt her to contact you again.  You might consider blocking her from phone/text/email. 

Situation 2:
Best to block her email address and not engage.  If you make some excuse, she will likely keep trying to get in touch.  You did the professor a favor and the relationship wasn't your choice.  You can't fix her or be her informal psychiatrist.  Demanding that you answer her email is a preview of things to come, if you decide to engage with her. 

[Panda39]

I think no response is needed in either case. You are no longer interested in either relationship so just let the communication end.  It might be uncomfortable to do this...guilt...you're being rude or mean...you might be spoken of negatively etc. But does any of that really matter?  Neither person sounds healthy for you and both have overstepped your personal boundaries in terms of closeness.  Yes you could tell them both that but that just leads to engagement and drama that you don't want.

When someone can't respect boundaries it is up to us to set them and enforce them for ourselves.  Don't engage with either of them any further.

[Deb]

Just let them go. That's what I had to do with two former friends that I believe had PDs. Both of them I wanted to tell off. But I didn't.  I just baked away and stopped responding.  I felt hurt and angry and guilty at first.  But as time went by,  I realized it was the best thing for me and my sanity. 

I grew up with a dBPD sister.  I now realise that I was so used to being abused that I saw that as normal behavior.  It's not.  Friends and loved ones shouldn't treat you badly,  ever. And when they do,  because people are human and make mistakes,  they don't blame you for it.  They own it and apologize.

[CautiousHopeful]

Thank you No One, Panda 39 and Deb.

My gut feeling is I don't want to have any further interaction with either of them, so it is good to get your feedback which helps me consolidate that if I don't want to interact with them I really don't have to. It will only encourage them to stay attached to me in an unhealthy way if I do engage with them.

The second person is escalating her angry emails, which is a strong warning sign that she is someone NOT to engage with. A balanced person if they are not responded to can accept it and go oh well, that person doesn't want to respond, whereas someone with BPD abandonment issues ups the aggressive statements to try desperately to have you not abandon them.

I think I've spent my whole life with a "Support Person" sign on my head, which people with BPD tendencies attract to like a magnet. It's like they have a deep pit of loneliness and abandonment paranoia, and I represent someone to save them from that. I well and truly realise I absolutely don't want to play such a role. Although I feel sad for people who are in the predicament of their own personal dramas, I don't need to have any of that in my life.

So thank you, and I will keep practicing asserting my own needs and what I want, something that's taken me a long time in life to learn having been trained growing up to do the exact opposite.

[CautiousHopeful]

P.S. I meant to say thanks Panda39  too for the Anne Taylor quote. That is very helpful, and yes we have a limited time to live our lives, so it is so important to do what brings us joy and what we love, and not sacrifice what we value to carry the burdens of others who are not taking responsibility for their own emotional issues. I will return to that quote if I ever catch myself out again trying to be a helpful, support person to someone who is draining me of my energy and well-being!

[Deb]

I got angry emails from one of the people I mentioned.  And physical threats posted on a message board. But I never responded.  I only knew about the threats because a few friends were concerned for my safety. She smeared me to people.  I never said anything to them unless they asked.  Just kept my head up and went on with my life. 

There is a book that was helpful to me called  " Controlling People " . It helped me see what was going on with the one person. And helped me see that no response was needed.

[CautiousHopeful]

Thanks Deb,

Yes I think just getting on with life and walking away from those situations is a good thing. In the first instance I mentioned I expect the person will bad mouth me to mutual friends and associates we have, but I'm not worried about it. They can interpret things however they do, but I need to get on with my life, and I think the truth about how things are comes through sooner or later anyway.

While the two people I mentioned here seem to fit the BPD profile, I had another friendship I also recently relinquished with someone I think may have NPD. Leaving this friendship was relatively easy, as I think she is like oh well, I can't manipulate and control that person now to serve my needs and interests so I'll just go looking for someone else. I don't think she suffers from abandonment fears, whereas the BPD individuals cling to you desperately.

I've just been learning about extinction bursts, which as I understand is the excessive reactivity we can get from people with BPD when they feel we are even slightly pulling away from them or are not responding to their demands. It is like their full on behaviour escalates to a certain point, and then it becomes like a fuse that blows itself out. I am hoping with the second person I mentioned who has been sending the escalating emails will burn out her own fuse, and therefore also blow out the intense energy she had invested in trying to establish a needy relationship with me, and then hopefully forget about me and not bother me again. By not indulging their neediness it can allow this process to follow through, but if I were to keep engaging this person it would impede her visceral drama reaching an endpoint (blown fuse) and she would just keep coming back at me in a needy way.

The fact I am doing all these separations from unhealthy relationships is a good thing. It's somewhat shocking looking at how stuck I have been in these messed up dynamics, but I'm resolute now that I don't want anymore of these scenarios in my life. I'm also enjoying time with much more balanced friends where the dynamics are healthy  . It's a bit more challenging with family , but I'm working on it.