My mother has BPD and I am unsure how to deal with it

[Periwinkle50]

I recently discovered that my mother has BPD. Earlier... .I used to think it was a bipolar disorder. This is because her reaction towards me was always in extremes. Either i was the perfect child or the most selfish person to exist. She alternated between loving me and labelling me as an ungrateful child. She had no respect for my privacy. She went through my personal diary and in college ... through my cellphone. She gets mad at me for not having a loving relationship with her the way other kids have with their mothers.

     I feel guilty as I have had terrible thoughts regarding my mother which seem completely unnatural. She is the only person who makes me feel suicidal sometimes because even as she says she is pushing me because she wants the best for me... .the level of pressure on me becomes too much sometimes. She provides a lot for me in terms of material comfort and I know that in her own twisted way, she loves me. I don't want to cut off ties with her. I just want to know how I should go about dealing with her. She will never admit she has BPD but there has to be a way my relationship with her gets relatively better.

[Harri]

Hi Periwinkle and welcome to the board. 

I am sorry for the need to find us but I am glad you did.  You  have landed in a place where we get it and understand.  I can relate to everything you've said including feeling suicidal at times... .or more accurately for me, just wanting things to be done.  Are you feeling suicidal right now? 

Can you tell us more about your situation so we can give you more focused feedback?  Do you live with or near your mom?  How much contact do you have with her?  Are there other family members involved?  What sort of support system, other than us, so you have?  How did you find out about BPD?

Sorry to hit you with all these questions but it helps us to get to know you and your situation better.

I hope you feel comfortable enough to settle in and read and jump into posts.  We all support each other as we learn better ways of interacting with our BPD family members or even when deciding what kind of contact we want.  I hope you join in.

[Periwinkle50]

Thanks for being so understanding. I am not feeling suicidal right now. Infact, I have always thought of myself as casually suicidal. Thinking about it vaguely as an option but never seriously considering it. My mother has been after me to crack a competitive exam and I understand that it is vital to my career. However, the way she goes about it created so much pressure on me that I lied and said I will take up coaching in a different city for the exam. I self-studied there. The day I gave that exam... .I wasn't sure if I had passed or failed... .it was my 3rd time giving the exam... .and they had changed the pattern. That day I felt seriously suicidal as I kept thinking about how badly I wanted to die. It went on in my head for hours. Thankfully, I passed that exam.

I live in India and girls are expected to get married by 26. I only have a few years felt but I don't feel any desire to get married. She keeps telling me that I have no choice... .I have to get married no matter what. I have not even dated anyone and I am not sure if I will ever be ready for marriage. She keeps telling me about how she got married at an early age and how I am ungrateful and my generation is extremely selfish. Her verbal abuse includes stuff that is too terrible to repeat and it goes on for hours. I think of myself as a patient person but there are times when I lose my cool and get defensive. That makes things worse. She starts mocking me and says she will cut off ties with me which is ironic since it is something I think about often but don't actually want to do.

   In a few months, if I clear the interview stage... .I can enroll into a research program in a different city. There are very few seats for such programs but I am hoping for the best.