Alimony

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone I was hoping that somebody can give me some advice in regards to alimony and how I should proceed. I am a physician and we live in California. Our divorce was over approximately a year and a half ago when I decided to go with the  dissolution master and since she didn’t have a job for about six years she’s getting 12 K a month 6K for alimony and 6K for the kids. Unfortunately she’s not spending money on the kids at all in fact she’s buying Rolex watches for 20 5K and buying Gucci pantyhose for $300. The kids come and ask me usually daddy can you buy this and daddy can you buy that including from school equipment to shoes and clothes. It is extremely difficult to have 50% custody and be a physician and full-time.  So I’m trying to cut down on my work which means I have to take her back to court. Now I’ve heard in New York people don’t pay alimony. Believe me when I tell you I’ve been trying to be a good man and take care of her to the best of my abilities with all her shortcomings being borderline. But it’s very painful but I’m the one working all night and all day to try to maintain a similar salary just so I can pay her 12 came on and have her stay home and do nothing. So I will take her back to court. We did a vocational exam for her and since she’s a dietitian she’s capable of making approximately $80,000 a year. I wanted to see if there is a good argument as far as cutting down or completely illuminating alimony. Maybe even child support since she’s not paying for the kids.

[Ilovemylife]

Hi everyone I was hoping that somebody can give me some advice in regards to alimony and how I should proceed. I am a physician and we live in California. Our divorce was over approximately a year and a half ago when I decided to go with the  dissolution master and since she didn’t have a job for about six years she’s getting 12 K a month 6K for alimony and 6K for the kids. Unfortunately she’s not spending money on the kids at all in fact she’s buying Rolex watches for 20 5K and buying Gucci pantyhose for $300. The kids come and ask me usually daddy can you buy this and daddy can you buy that including from school equipment to shoes and clothes. It is extremely difficult to have 50% custody and be a physician and full-time.  So I’m trying to cut down on my work which means I have to take her back to court. Now I’ve heard in New York people don’t pay alimony. Believe me when I tell you I’ve been trying to be a good man and take care of her to the best of my abilities with all her shortcomings being borderline. But it’s very painful but I’m the one working all night and all day to try to maintain a similar salary just so I can pay her 12 came on and have her stay home and do nothing. So I will take her back to court. We did a vocational exam for her and since she’s a dietitian she’s capable of making approximately $80,000 a year. I wanted to see if there is a good argument as far as cutting down or completely illuminating alimony. Maybe even child support since she’s not paying for the kids.

[worriedStepmom]

It has to be frustrating to try to get your parenting time in while also working so many long hours.  Kudos to you for taking 50/50 custody so seriously!

Does your custody agreement spell out what your ex is responsible for purchasing and what you are responsible for spending on the children?  In my state it is really vague.  Here, as long as the kids aren't physically neglected the kids and have the basics, then the parent receiving child support doesn't have to account for how it gets spent. In my state, at least, that money is intended to help equalize the incomes of the two households so the kids don't go from one very wealthy home to one very poor home.  If your ex was a stay-at-home mom before your divorce, then she may have been awarded so much so that she could still be that presence for your children, to help with consistency.

I get child support from my ex.  I pay all the school and activity fees, buy all the equipment (except Cub Scout uniforms, because my ex wanted to sign our son up for that), pay for all the school lunches, and buy them clothes and toys for my house.  My ex buys them clothes and toys for their time with him, because neither of us want the kids to pack a bag to go back and forth (although they are allowed to bring things back and forth if they choose). 

Until recently, my H paid child support to his ex.  In addition, we paid all the extracurricular activity fees, bought all the equipment, and bought most of the clothes she wore in both houses (SD would wear new clothes to her mom's and come back in clothes that didn't fit, so I gave away the ill-fitting ones and kept buying new clothes until it stopped being a problem).

Is that fair?  For me and H, no.  For SD, yes.  Her mom makes very little money, her dad doesn't make much more, and I earn a lot.   We wanted to do what was best for SD. 

Your lawyer can tell you what the laws are in your state (mine is very clear about how child support is calculated) and whether the judge will approve of you reducing your income.  In my state, also, child support can't be reviewed for 3 years after the initial orders are put into place, so check on the rules in California.

It sounds like you still have a lot of resentment towards your ex.  Are you seeing a therapist?  That can help get over some of the residual feelings.

[ForeverDad]

Another idea when seeking to reduce support that she is seizing from the children's portion is to ask the court that the children's blanket support be reduced and ex provide receipts and bills for children's actual expenses for you to reimburse when it exceeds the amount already given, with a cap at $6K or whatever.