History of physical abuse - leave a note when leaving?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi All

I reviewed this thread on domestic violence and it got me thinking about how I will leave.   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.msg848546#msg848546

In my marriage there is a history domestic violence.  My spouse has hit me and thrown objects.  When I attempt to flee the violence, she has blocked the door. 

I am ready to move out.  She will be out on Monday morning so that is when I plan to go.

The thread linked above talks about the end of the relationship being highest risk for domestic violence.   Makes sense to me considering the fear of abandonment is such a core issue with BPD. 

My biggest fear is I would try to walk out and she would block the door.  I would be forced to push her aside.  Then someone in our condo hallway would see and think it is domestic violence.   We have an attorney on our floor who is also a friend of my wife.  It could be just my luck that this attorney may see it.

Maybe I should leave a note to avoid the situation.   Has anyone been in a situation like this?  If so, what did you do?

[Boll2017]

Hi All

I reviewed this thread on domestic violence and it got me thinking about how I will leave.   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.msg848546#msg848546

In my marriage there is a history domestic violence.  My spouse has hit me and thrown objects.  When I attempt to flee the violence, she has blocked the door. 

I am ready to move out.  She will be out on Monday morning so that is when I plan to go.

The thread linked above talks about the end of the relationship being highest risk for domestic violence.   Makes sense to me considering the fear of abandonment is such a core issue with BPD. 

My biggest fear is I would try to walk out and she would block the door.  I would be forced to push her aside.  Then someone in our condo hallway would see and think it is domestic violence.   We have an attorney on our floor who is also a friend of my wife.  It could be just my luck that this attorney may see it.

Maybe I should leave a note to avoid the situation.   Has anyone been in a situation like this?  If so, what did you do?

[I Am Redeemed]

Do you plan to file for a protective order? If you do, there would be no need for a note. Getting served with the papers will eliminate any questions about what happened.

Have you spoken with a dv advocate? There are hotlines with chat options that can walk you through the process of leaving and help you plan to do it safely.

Do you expect her to escalate and try to retaliate against you after you leave?

Redeemed

[GaGrl]

The advice in situations of DV is to handle it so that you are safe.

How prepared are you to leave?

Important documents and sentimental, personal items secured somewhere?

A place to go where she will not find you until it is safe for you to meet with her (preferably in a public venue )?

Notice at your workplace that she is not to be shown to your office/desk or calls put through?

Notice to family and close friends not to divulge your living arrangement?

A plan for how to handle a situation if she accosts you outside a place you frequent?

[once removed]

most important is to have a plan, and to think it through.

we have a lengthy DV PDF here that covers pretty much all avenues of a safety plan: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

have you been in touch with friends or family about the abuse, and/or your plan?

what would you want to say in a note?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Boll,

It might be helpful to have a friend or family member as an ally, to discuss your plan and serve as a confidant.  If you're worried about her blocking your exit, maybe you should leave when she's not there.  Your plan, as once removed points out, is crucial, so think it through.  Having an attorney in the picture might also be a wise move.  Keep us posted, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Boll2017]

Do you plan to file for a protective order? If you do, there would be no need for a note. Getting served with the papers will eliminate any questions about what happened.

Have you spoken with a dv advocate? There are hotlines with chat options that can walk you through the process of leaving and help you plan to do it safely.

Do you expect her to escalate and try to retaliate against you after you leave?

Redeemed

It is possible she could escalate.  I have a plan to not be in the same proximity.   I sent my attorney a note checking on a protective order.

[Boll2017]

The advice in situations of DV is to handle it so that you are safe.

How prepared are you to leave?

Important documents and sentimental, personal items secured somewhere?

A place to go where she will not find you until it is safe for you to meet with her (preferably in a public venue )?

Notice at your workplace that she is not to be shown to your office/desk or calls put through?

Notice to family and close friends not to divulge your living arrangement?

A plan for how to handle a situation if she accosts you outside a place you frequent?

The first domestic violence incident was last summer.  My T advised me to get a bag together and position it out of sight. I placed it in a lower compartment below my trunk floor.  

I pulled out my documents such as passports, birth certificate and will.  These are now at my work place.

I live in the DC area so there are many options to get out of her sight.  I can do hotels.

My workplace is secure access with badge entry.  The parking garage is gated.  I will need to be vigilant as I arrive and depart in case she wants to follow me.

Will inform my family who lives out of state.  Since she hates them so I don’t expect her to call but I don’t put it past her to rage at them.  

[Boll2017]

most important is to have a plan, and to think it through.

we have a lengthy DV PDF here that covers pretty much all avenues of a safety plan: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

have you been in touch with friends or family about the abuse, and/or your plan?

what would you want to say in a note?

Thanks for the pdf.  I am also looking at the site guidance for limited contact after I leave. 

My family is well aware of the abuse.  My brother is supportive.  He said I can show up short notice any time to stay with him.  I would need to fly out to Seattle from DC.  I have now made a reservation do that and he is welcoming me.

The note idea is something I’ve been toying with for a while.  I read it to my T - she liked it. I have avoided inflammatory language.  Irreconcilable differences.  I talk about her staying in our condo upon separation, finances, medical etc.

[Boll2017]

Hey Boll,

It might be helpful to have a friend or family member as an ally, to discuss your plan and serve as a confidant.  If you're worried about her blocking your exit, maybe you should leave when she's not there.  Your plan, as once removed points out, is crucial, so think it through.  Having an attorney in the picture might also be a wise move.  Keep us posted, when you can.

LuckyJim

Thanks to all who have responded.  I feel validated.  This board is a great refuge.  My pride has held me back from leaving without speaking to her.  Considering the consequences of any domestic violence allegations on my employment, I have to avoid the possibility. 

I will mention in the note that the note is done to avoid any misunderstandings by neighbors.

My brother is a good ally but as I say above, he is on the opposite coast.  I am seriously considering relocating to Seattle.

I have thought through what it would take to gather my things to move out.  I prepared a checklist.   I would leave a few things behind that I could go without if I can’t return later.  I rehearsed packing a few days ago while my wife was out.  I can have the car packed in less than hour.  On Monday she will be gone for well over an hour.  So that is my opportunity. 

Will keep you posted.  I will tell her in my note that she can reach me only over email with no promises as to how often I will check emails. 

[once removed]

I will mention in the note that the note is done to avoid any misunderstandings by neighbors.

i might leave this part out. it sounds like a preemptive strike, and if anything, might put ideas in her head.

[Boll2017]

Thanks.  Agree