Guess who didn't go to D13s doctor appointment?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The good news.  Big improvement for D13 in her neuro testing.

They are adding a nighttime headache drug and today will be first day back at school for half days.  Will retest on this coming Monday and evaluate expanding school activities. 

Even though half day school there is a 40 min total per day limit on computer screens.

After making such a big deal about going to the appointment I found out she wasn't going on Sunday evening when we were discussing the alarm settings.  She was like...how can I go I have to go to work.

Oddly enough, earlier that day she was telling me how much sick time she had built up and she could/would use it when she had a sick child. 

My response when she said she wasn't going was "Oh...ok..I'll let you know what doctor says."

Was she expecting me to try to show her the contradiction? 

She did put her computer and phone down and listened to the report from the doctor.  Worried out loud a bit about if she should really go back to school.  Then dropped it and wanted to talk about other things.

Very curious...

FF

[formflier]

The good news.  Big improvement for D13 in her neuro testing.

They are adding a nighttime headache drug and today will be first day back at school for half days.  Will retest on this coming Monday and evaluate expanding school activities. 

Even though half day school there is a 40 min total per day limit on computer screens.

After making such a big deal about going to the appointment I found out she wasn't going on Sunday evening when we were discussing the alarm settings.  She was like...how can I go I have to go to work.

Oddly enough, earlier that day she was telling me how much sick time she had built up and she could/would use it when she had a sick child. 

My response when she said she wasn't going was "Oh...ok..I'll let you know what doctor says."

Was she expecting me to try to show her the contradiction? 

She did put her computer and phone down and listened to the report from the doctor.  Worried out loud a bit about if she should really go back to school.  Then dropped it and wanted to talk about other things.

Very curious...

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Glad that your daughter is doing so well. 

Interesting that your wife had the conversation about taking time off for a "sick child" but didn't connect the dots about going to the appointment.

[formflier]

Glad that your daughter is doing so well. 
 

I obviously watched both sets of tests and there was a noticeable improvement over the course of a week.

Closing her eyes and touching fingers to nose was still the most problematic.

Plus she seems "perkier" in the last few days. 

The parenting challenge has switched to limiting phone time and "holding her back" even though she feels better. 

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm glad d13 is doing better.

Do you think your wife had some anxiety over the doctor's appointment? Maybe it's too much reality to see tangible results of the accident?

[empath]

I'm glad d13 is doing much better, too. Slow and steady...  I have a parental control app on my d14's phone that allows me to lock her phone from mine.

When people feel ashamed, they want to hide or avoid the consequences of their behavior. FFw has an image of herself as a "good mom" and the accident doesn't really fit into that image. When there are outside people observing the effects, it's worse.

[formflier]

I use a similar app.  Generally I resist "locking" it and use it as a monitoring tool.

So...I'll chat with her about things and needed changes, then I monitor that changes actually happen. 

I get a daily report that lets me know what each of my kids have been doing on their phones.

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

I use a similar app.  Generally I resist "locking" it and use it as a monitoring tool.

So...I'll chat with her about things and needed changes, then I monitor that changes actually happen. 

I get a daily report that lets me know what each of my kids have been doing on their phones.

FF

Wow, that's awesome! D11 and D10 both really want phones. I have been dreading it because there's just so much that can happen with kids and the internet 

They both say they are the only kids in their respective classes without phones. Fifth and sixth grade. I highly doubt that, but it's still likely that a lot of their classmates do have phones already.

*Sigh*

[formflier]

I am pretty sure that D13 WAS really the only girl in her "friend group" without a phone for a long time.

I was actually pretty proud of it for a while (much to her consternation).

When she went to middle school I broke down and got her a phone.  Also got my elementary guy a phone then too. 

Basically they were the only kids I had in those particular schools, to it made logistics/pickups much easier.

My 5th grader gets his phone taken a lot (my me and mommy) and it's actually very effective to "capture" his attention.

We use the screen time app.  We paid a bit more to get "geolocation" which allows us to track the phone (which we assume is with the kid).

you can go into your app on the parent phone and turn off all the fun stuff and/or turn off just a few apps.

Turning everything off gets a child to appear...asking what's up.  Actually much more effective than hollering for them.



FF

[Notwendy]

I think it's good that you didn't point out the contradiction to your wife. I think it would have felt shaming and critical to her.

From my own experience, I haven't seen pwBPD handle illness in another person well or the other person needing help in general. My H was not empathetic if I was under the weather. He seemed irritated over it. Since I am the main caregiver for the kids, I take them to medical appointments. Even if we were both working, I would miss work to stay home if they needed it so there wasn't the need for him to go too.

Your wife may have figured you were going so she didn't need to go too. Yes, she may have said something else sooner, but it was in the moment.

I don't recall much about my BPD mother and medical appointments when I was growing up. I recall her taking me for check ups and shots. Where I noticed the dysfunction was when my father was ill. She couldn't seem to grasp that he was unable to do the things he usually did. She seemed to think he was refusing on purpose. It reminded me of when my H assumed I was rejecting him when I was nauseated when pregnant.

My own explanation from observing this is that- if someone has victim perspective, they perceive that someone close to them is also hurting in some way at the moment. It would put them in another position- rescuer- to help them. Since BPD affects the most intimate relationships more- they can do it with other people- take hero/rescuer but with an intimate partner or close family member.

FF you've seen this when your wife has minimized your physical conditions that qualified you for disability. She may have been able to caretake the children when they were little but I found that with my BPD mother, once I became a teen, and even with my kids as teens- once we are capable of helping her, we became helper/rescuer to her. She didn't seem to see teens as children- and while they are not, they still aren't ready for some adult responsibilities and they still need some emotional care. This may be why she had your 16 year old help her with the driving?