How to begin healing, emotionally and psychologically

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ve been broken up with for a second time. She says she wants to be friends, but her comments are full of inconsistencies and reminiscent of the first time she broke up with me. I’m very tempted to wait and placate her bad behaviour in the hope she’ll come back, but most of me wants to move on.

I have never been disrespected or hurt to this extreme before, and I simply can’t do it, anymore.

My life is currently lacking a support network, I don’t have any friends, I spend a lot of time alone. I know that the typical answer is to get out there and meet other people, but I’m not ready to do that and it’s not really an option.

How can I begin to heal emotionally, and mentally, when I’m spending most of my time alone? How can I try and break these trauma bonds? How can I stick to one mindset about her and avoid viewing her as someone who ‘can be nice’, and emotionally detach?

[East_Plastic]

I’ve been broken up with for a second time. She says she wants to be friends, but her comments are full of inconsistencies and reminiscent of the first time she broke up with me. I’m very tempted to wait and placate her bad behaviour in the hope she’ll come back, but most of me wants to move on.

I have never been disrespected or hurt to this extreme before, and I simply can’t do it, anymore.

My life is currently lacking a support network, I don’t have any friends, I spend a lot of time alone. I know that the typical answer is to get out there and meet other people, but I’m not ready to do that and it’s not really an option.

How can I begin to heal emotionally, and mentally, when I’m spending most of my time alone? How can I try and break these trauma bonds? How can I stick to one mindset about her and avoid viewing her as someone who ‘can be nice’, and emotionally detach?

[Mindfried]

Hi EP,

I went through a similar situation. I spoke to a therapist but I knew it would take time to heal from the roller coaster ride I was on. I kept moving forward. I refused to just sit in the house and do nothing. I went to the movies, ballgames, parks, road trips, read a lot, became more spiritual and as time passed things got better. It has been 8 months now and I feel much better. I do think about her at times during the day but I know that part of my life is in the past. This is a great site for support. Time and keep moving forward will help.

[Ozzie101]

Hi East_Plastic!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Breakups are hard enough, but to not have a support network is that much more difficult. Mindfried has some great advice for you. One of the best things to do is to keep moving. Don't allow yourself to just sit and let your mind race and roll around. Keep it active.

I can understand you don't really feel up to getting out and meeting people. But what about just getting out, even if it's on your own? Is that doable?

I once got into a place where I was basically just sitting at home watching TV. When I wasn't at work, anyway. My therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone -- to go out to eat, go to a different grocery store sometimes, take walks, pick up a new hobby, take a quick road trip. It's not easy, particularly alone, but it really can make a difference over time.

[WindofChange]

Hi East-Plastic. I'm sorry you're dealing with this pain. I know it's hard and that you feel shattered right now. But it's good that you aren't willing to go back to someone who was so hurtful to you.
Please know that you aren't alone! You found the BPD Family, and there are wonderful, supportive people here.  You can pour your heart out here, and people will listen and empathize and offer encouragement.
There is also lots of good information in the articles available here as well. Peruse them. They will help you understand why you became involved in a relationship like this one. They can help you gain insight into yourself as well. 
Hang in there. Baby steps. One day at a time.

[East_Plastic]

 

I feel as if I won’t be able to get over this. I feel such strong intense ‘trauma bonding’ to this person, and I don’t have any access to any therapy, or any supportive friends or family. I have nowhere to go and stay for respite, such as a friend’s house or something like that. I am pretty much all alone, and I feel even more alone now that this person doesn’t want to be involved with me, anymore.

Every day I feel an intense urge to speak to her, and I am overwhelmed with anxiety and I’ve developed restless legs, constantly shaking and feeling tense, thinking about what to say to her. I don’t contact her because I’m scared of the pain that no response/insults/blocking will cause me, but at the same time, I just want her back and I want to feel that feeling of it just being us two again.

I can’t understand, no matter how many times I read about it, how she can not be feeling anything for me, and is quite content to be not in contact with me, not speak to me at university, not care? I feel invisible and worthless. I am hurting so much that I just can’t see a way out of this pain, and I have even had slightly suicidal thoughts.
I feel as if I am at my lowest, and I don’t know what the hell I am supposed to do to feel any better.

[WindofChange]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. I've been there. Last year when I moved out of the apartment I shared with my fiancé, I was broken, devastated. He had lied to me so much, and been so horrible to me, yet I still loved him desperately. I moved in with my mom, and I cried myself to sleep every night. Every day at work was a struggle to get through. But I did get through it. I spent a lot of time on this site, reading the articles, I journaled, I prayed. And it slowly got better. But it takes time. And that part sucks. You just want to feel better Now, and going through the process is so very hard.
But you Can get through it. Your self-worth does not depend on your ex's behavior or opinion of you. Her treatment of you is because of her own issues, not because you aren't worthy of being loved or treated well. You have worth, you have value, please keep telling yourself that. Don't let these feelings of depression and worthlessness keep you down. Feelings can be painful and intense, but our feelings can also lie to us.
You said you don't have access to therapy. Can you go to a doctor to see about taking an antidepressant or something mild for anxiety? Is there a gym or fitness center available to you that you can utilize to work off the anxiety? Can you try journaling? It really does help. I've poured out pages and pages, using my email. Some people use paper journals, and I think there are programs on the computer you can use also (sorry not very tech-savvy).
Keep in contact on here. Pour it out here if it helps. It takes a day or so sometimes, but people will respond. You aren't alone. We have all experienced variations of the same devastation, depression, feelings of worthlessness. You can get through it and past it.

[Lucky Jim]

I’m very tempted to wait and placate her bad behavior in the hope she’ll come back, but most of me wants to move on.

Hey East Plastic, I don't recommend the wait-and-see strategy, which can be a thankless vigil.  WindofChange has given you some excellent suggestions, as have Ozzie and Mindfried.  Let's face it, getting over a BPD r/s is painful, often incredibly so.  Yet your suffering will lead to greater happiness down the line, though I understand that you probably can't see it at the moment.  Being kind and compassionate towards yourself, in my view, is the starting point.  Looking at your pain, in a mindful manner, is a way to acknowledge it and move on.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

hi East_Plastic,

the first key ingredient to healing is to have a strong support network. if there arent friends in your life, and therapy isnt an option, then i would strongly encourage you to lean on the family here.

in addition to the family here, have an outlet. i did a ton of writing. i did a ton of learning about BPD. i did a ton of learning about myself. at the time, i was in too much pain to do much else. cry when you need to.

you may be dealing with depression, as most members on this board are. first of all, learn more about it and the way it can affect the mind (https://bpdfamily.com/content/depression-stop-being-tortured-your-own-thoughts), and second, if seeing a doctor is not an option, there are lots of supplements that can be every bit as effective.

trust that things really do get better, though it may not feel like it now. there are members further along in the process that are proof of it. i know that personally, in some ways, my breakup was the hardest thing i ever went through, but i made it to the other side. it wont be easy, and it may not be as soon as you hope, but it will get better.

[KoRnyRocks]

i feel for you man.

Let me tell you one thing right now, being friends is NOT an option. If you stay friends with her, she will continue to pull you back in every single time she needs comfort. It might sound as a nice thing, but eventually you are so devalued that she doesnt even wanna talk to you anymore... and if you think you are hurting now... oh boy.
I KNOW this sounds harsh, but sometimes we need to hear it the harsh way.
Remember, people are here to listen and help any way possible, use it. Other than that, socialize with family, nuture yourself. Do what you enjoy doing, just do it some more and freely.

This might sound weird, im 42 years old, my ex BPD hated when i played computer games and it was something i pushed in the back not to push her away because of that... When i have bad days now because its still only 3 weeks since we stopped all communication and she found a new guy the day after, i sit down. i binge play videogames and eat snacks and socialize with new people in these online games.