Suicide threat

[Boll2017]

In an email she sent last night she said “Goodbye forever... I am taking all of my meds”

When I opened that message this morning I tried to call a mutual friend to check on her.    No answer.  So I jumped into the car to go over   

When I arrived in the parking garage, her car was gone.  Good sign. I know she has a psychiatrist appointment this morning. 

I will respond to the email with concern. 

My T said I shouldn’t react to the suicide threats and suggested email contact as a way to avoid her instantly reaching me to make an attempt at manipulation. 

I see this was wise advice but this is incredibly painful.  I hope she can find her footing.  I don’t want to keep going through this.

[Red5]

Good Morning Boll2017,

It's been written here countless times, you know the standard operating procedure, 'take all threats of suicide at seriously'… "take them at their word"… 'call it in'.

Hang in there Boll, keep posting.

Red5

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Boll, Keep us posted.  My BPDxW threatened suicide many times.  It's not unusual for a pwBPD to make such threats, and some even carry it out, so be careful and take it seriously, as Red5 suggests.  It's the ultimate manipulation and generally just crying wolf, yet it shows they are thinking about it.  The best plan, in my view, is to get a professional involved, if possible.  It was way beyond my expertise to handle, so I reached out to her T and her family to alert them.  There is also a suicide prevention hotline, which might be worth exploring.

LJ

[Panda39]

I agree with Red5 call in the Professionals...911.  If she is using this as way to manipulate you into seeing her or she's serious none of us really knows what's going on in her head, it's important to get her help, professional help for her own safety.

If she is using this to manipulate you it worked...you went over there. Now that it's worked you will likely see this again, you have inadvertently reinforced the behavior.

Calling 911 is a solution for you and for her, she gets the help she needs from Professionals that are trained for this type of situation, you have done the right thing regarding her safety, but can also keep some distance from it by allowing the Professionals to handle it.

Panda39

[Boll2017]

Thanks to all 3 of you for the sage advice. 

I called the local EMS and got informed.   They said to call 911 even if it is after the fact.  I also got a phone number I can use if I am out of state visiting my family where calling 911 isn’t an option.

I have a call into her psychiatrist.  I wanted to send the Dr an email but the office said they can’t release an email address. Will make sure the Dr knows about the episode last night.  If the Dr doesn’t call I plan to hand deliver a note at the Dr office tomorrow.

I talked to my wife and she of course holds me responsible.  I am emotionally abusing her. She tried to talk me into returning.   I told her I can’t take any more of her rages and I need space.  I would not come home. I don’t want to string her along but felt today was not the day to hit her hard with finality. 

[Boll2017]

Informed the psychiatrist of the pills.  She said she was aware. I gave her a heads up that I am getting to the point of telling my wife that I will inform my wife that I will not return.  The Dr said call anytime.

Now my wife is constantly calling me.  I am not picking up.  But the distraction is ruining my ability to work.   

I haven’t gone anywhere today.  I am so consumed by this that I don’t want to face anyone.  I,ve been taking Ativan to sleep. My wife just will not respect my need for space.  I don’t know if I have the strength to go see my family next week. 

[Cat Familiar]

I hope you do go see your family. You really need a break from this. I'm glad you connected with the psychiatrist. You've done everything you can do as a conscientious person. What you need to do now is to take care of yourself.   

[I Am Redeemed]

I second Cat,, I think that getting out of your current environment and visiting a supportive family member would be great for getting some head space.

You are not picking up the calls, but are you silencing the phone? or turning it off? I went through that before I went NC with stbxuBPDh and I found that even seeing how many times he was calling and messaging was anxiety-producing. Once he called me over 80 times in one day, not to mention texts and messenger. If I turned off the phone, or put it on silent and out of sight where I couldn't see the calls coming in, I was much less distracted.

Redeemed

[Lucky Jim]

I'm with Redeemed and Cat: Seeing your family, I think, will provide a need break and an opportunity to get re-centered.  In the meantime, you might want to establish some Boundaries (see Tool button above).  You are entitled to your space and it's OK to turn off your phone or do whatever you need to do in order to get back to living your own life.  Took me a long time to grasp that I am not responsible for the well-being of another adult.

LJ

[Skip]

I don't think any of us should suggest that a thread of suicide is manipulation. She may have sat by the bedside with the pills in hand and cried herself to sleep. Most BPD suicides are connected to relationship failures.

I think you did the right thing to check it out, call her doc and to check with EMS.

I might suggest writing her today expressing your concern, expressing your support. Validate her as a valuable person. And let her know that you will call for help (911 or a police welfare check) in the future if you have concerns.

Express this in a most compassionate way. You may want to share a draft here to get help.

[Boll2017]

Thanks to everyone for your generosity in responding.  It is heartening to see other folks going through similar situations.

I returned.  The guilt and worry was overwhelming.  

She sent another email saying she drank wine with Ativan.   A combination that can kill.  That was the breaking point for me.   She was lying on the floor when I arrived.  She became more awake  as time went on.  

The clear eyed truth is I wasn’t emotionally ready for  this.  

The Dr contacted her.  The Dr told her that I told the Dr about the email where she told me about taking the first pills with a suicide message.

When I arrived at the condo she was sure to tell me that i only did this protect myself.  I told her I was worried.  She claimed her psychiatrist told her I was emotionally abusing her by leaving the note.  I know it is the usual BPD pattern but it still hurts.  Tonight her psychiatrist called her and my wife said she felt so special that her psychiatrist made that effort. She believes the psychiatrist is a friend.  Of course my notification to the psychiatrist is not to be acknowledged as playing a role.  To her I was just plain selfish.  

Perhaps I am jealous.  She has people that care about her.  In the meantime I check my email to see if my brother cares.  Nothing.  

Anyway I don’t want to dwell on the BPD dynamic.  

Before  I came back, when I was on the phone with her, She  pleaded with me to return.   She said she would change.  She will stop ridiculing me about contacting my family. and stop trashing my family.   I succumbed.  I wasn’t up to fighting more emotional blackmail.   To make it worse, I know exposed myself to it.  

I have learned some key lessons.  

1. Be truly ready to do this.   Be able to process the potential for Suicide.  I am convinced my wife tried   It wasn’t a threat.  Be ready to use 911 regardless of where you are.
2. Be able to turn off the phone and don’t look at the email inbox for a few days
3. I don’t have a viable support system.  I called my brother when I left.   He has made no effort to call or email me.  I fear I have exhausted him for the last 2 years of listening to me.  He is the only family I have.  
4. I have seen a psychologist at the VA once a month.  I believe his technique is CBT.   Perhaps it is not often enough or I need to find someone else.   Compared to a year ago I am more depressed and hopeless.  
Anybody know a good therapist in the DC area?

5.  My lawyer told me to leave a short note saying I was leaving without an explanation.   The note idea arose from her past physical abuse and blocking my exit.   I assume the no explanation was to avoid giving her ammunition.   I am sure it added to her trigger.
6.   I need to figure out a way to enjoy myself.   I have lived for 23 years arranging my life around my wife.  I am really struggling with this.  

I am 58 years old.  A retired military officer.  I feel like I have let myself down.  I have become a different person compared to when I was younger.  I don’t feel in control of my destiny.

I am really preoccupied.   I keep seeing that “goodbye forever” subject line in that email from my wife flashing through my mind.   I keep seeing my wife’s rages.  

Since I agreed to return I know I must put my best foot forward.    Work on boundaries when it comes to family contact.  Try not to be invalidating.  I am not optimistic that my wifes disregulation and splitting will not come back. One more try.  

Enough self pity.  To those who had the patience to read this I am grateful.  

[Skip]

Work with us on the bettering board. There are tools there that can make a difference.  We are all working over there on a problem by problem basis.

[Red5]

Since I agreed to return I know I must put my best foot forward.    Work on boundaries when it comes to family contact.  Try not to be invalidating.  I am not optimistic that my wifes disregulation and splitting will not come back. One more try.   

Enough self pity.  To those who had the patience to read this I am grateful.

^ follow Skip ^

Red5

[Boll2017]

Thanks.   Took Skip’s advice.  Just posted there.