Part 2: False allegations, separation, and custody

[BuckeyHusband]

Mod Note:  this tread is a continuation of https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327391.0;all


Hello Everyone,
It has been several months now. Well, I finally have news. Back in early December the detective sent my case up to the prosecutor for review (after a short investigation himself). We sent in all of our documents on my wife's mental health issues (ADHD, anorexia, postpartum, anxiety and panic attacks, childhood abuse, etc). Christmas and New Years caused delays, and it sat without review until late February.

Well, it was finally reviewed and closed! We are one month out from our final custody hearing date, but I am ready to petition for shared custody and begin to get my wife mental health help!

I will keep you posted. I was in regular communication with SIL/BIL, but I stopped that back in December. I'm waiting to confirm with my attorneys before opening up communications again. They were waiting for the state to dismiss her false allegations before trying to have an intervention again.

This has been the hardest thing in my life, but reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, Understanding the Borderline Mother, and Psalms 64 have gotten me through it all.

Thanks,
Buckeye

[ForeverDad]

I am ready to petition for shared custody...

After a two year divorce I moved up from alternate weekends in the temp orders to equal time with a 2-2-5-5 schedule in the final decree.  Guess what?  I had just as much conflict as I had before, though I was on better legal ground.

Frankly, relatively few of us get sole legal custody, courts really want to do joint custody.  If possible, get more than 50/50 parenting time, even if it's just a few percentage points more.  With her documented mental health issues, it is not at all unreasonable for you to seek majority time.

What will really make a huge difference is if you can gain (1) Decision Making or (2) Tie Breaker status.  This way if there is a refusal to agree after you have made your legally required attempt, you can proceed.  She won't be able to delay you since you already have 'permission' or authority.  It will be up to her to contest it and likely she won't follow through with that extended process.

In general you can't permit yourself to overextend yourself by being too fair or too nice.  As she is now, she won't reciprocate and will likely use your sense of fairness to sabotage you.  So get a strong order.  If later she improves and behaves more cooperatively then you can decide where you can allow her some flexibility.

... and begin to get my wife mental health help!

Not much you can do about this.  Our collective experience has been that the courts won't force a parent to behave better.  The parent is dealt with as he or she is.  If you do get her ordered to seek therapy, you have no way of knowing whether she will comply.  Even if she gets a good start, you can't know whether she will continue her therapy.

Remember, you can't fix her.  You can't solve her problems for her.  If she does truly begin meaningful therapy, then that you can support.  What you don't do is give her 'rewards' when she hasn't demonstrated she deserves it.

[BuckeyHusband]

Those are great points. I'll bring up with my attorney. Turns out that next month is deadline for action and not the actual hearing. We did petition for unsupervised immediately, however she rejected and retouched all of her allegations.

Some of these the judge warned her to drop, so it is just more evidence of her unreasonableness.

In regards to getting her help, I mostly think in terms of my son. One thing about all this time I've spent waiting is that I've really begun to move on. I've come to terms with the fact that anything is on her, or her family. I may petition to change the "legal separation" to divorce so that it truly is final.

She is requesting sole legal and 100% custody. If she continues to hold to her distortions after doctors, detectives, CPS, etc. all dismiss or unsubstantiated allegations AND after a warning from the judge - it will be further proof on my end.

Sadly just because her allegations were dismissed and the investigations closed, I think I'm really just getting started in the process. 

[ForeverDad]

Halfway solutions typically don't work when dealing with BPD.  For example, some arriving here have expressed wishes they could end the relationship yet still be friends.  Generally that's not possible, pwBPD have black or white, all or nothing perceptions.

So when you mention Legal Separation, that too is a halfway measure, most here have ended up divorcing because the conflict was just too high to continue the relationship at a minimum level.  Divorce lets you cut the cord and just focus on the parenting aspects.

Ask your lawyer what he thinks about Legal Separation versus Divorce.  Ask him if there's a point in time when — financially and strategically —  you'll have to make that decision, switching from LS to D.  With your stbEx demanding sole custody, 100% parenting  and supervised (without basis) then there's no way you can continue married.  IMHO

[worriedStepmom]

In regards to getting her help, I mostly think in terms of my son.

It would absolutely be in your son's best interests for his mother to get help and change her behavior.  Unfortunately, people with this disorder rarely understand or acknowledge that they need to change, so it is unlikely that interventions will work.

With my stepdaughter, we work on making sure she understands that mom's brain works differently than other brains (her mom is open about having an anxiety disorder, so we blame everything on that rather than BPD), and mom interprets things in a way that other people might not, and she reacts in ways that other people might not.  We make sure she knows that mom's difficulties aren't her fault and that mom is the only one who can fix them.  Lots of empathy, lots of agreeing that it is so sad that mom is in so much pain, and lots of emphasis on healthy boundaries.

It's all you can do.

[BuckeyHusband]

Thanks for the comments. Right now I've completely moved on. Going through 2 full criminal investigations costing thousands of dollars, facing the fear of having not only mine but my sons life destroyed due to her mental health issues was enough this time. I've also come to terms that I'm not responsible for her treatment.

CPS officially unsubstantiated her allegations again. We had a court appointed adviser who did a very poor job. She didn't read any of my documents (many where my wife admits to domestic violence, and she even describe's "mild" DV to the CAA). Still after all that the CAA kicked the can recommending a psychosexual eval for myself, random drug screens, counseling, and a best interest attorney for our son.

Psychosexual evaluations are for convicted sex offenders are something NO innocent or uncharged/convicted person should ever do. It is much worse than a polygraph and you can never challenge it. I guess they put electrodes on you and make you look at images to test for arousal. Who knows how accurate that kind of thing is. It's sort of a hammer seeing everything as a nail kind of thing.

Funny enough I already do random drug screens and counseling monthly and have 2.5 years of tests for the CAA. I had been to opiod rehab a few years ago following a broken neck injury. We are sending a note to the CAA, but apparently I have a good judge that already ordered the drug abuse allegations to stop after I passed pop drug screens last fall. If 2 years of clean tests and counseling aren't enough, then what is you know? Same goes for 2 full investigations by the PD and Sheriff Dept., plus 2 by CPS sex abuse investigators. How much more do I have to go through? It isn't like anything was inconclusive. They  found absolutely no evidence, and my son's various medical doctors all never recommended a CPS filing and commented on my wife's worry/paranoia. She is even telling the supervisor some crazy made up story that I was caught masterbating at work and suffered uncontrollable masterbation and sex addiction. Her ex fiance (boyfriend of 10 years) is in prison for child pornography so it is pretty easy to show she is projecting her fears from him onto me. I actually had the news article of his conviction.

The scary part are these red flag documents my wife submitted in her 3rd Notice of Disclosure. In them she admits to coaching. After my supervised visits while she's in the restroom having him wash his hands, she unprompted starts asking him if anyone has touched his privates. This goes on and on until he eventually says "dad".

In another my son apparently had pointed a knife at my wife, after which she locked him in his high chair in his room, slammed his hand in the door, and then had a 20 minute self described eruption.

It is hard to read my wife's own statements admitting to coaching, and admitting to having manic episodes, but having no one from the state just give a cursory glance. Her attorney isn't very good and mine was shocked he had submitted these things. Granted it is impossible to know what's true in her testimony since there were no witnesses, but it reminds me of what she used to do to our son.

In order to change our temporary orders I need her to agree, or we have to go back to court. Since we're a month or so out from a final hearing and money is short I did extend an olive branch. I sent a note asking to rotate dependent tax filings odd/even years with shared custody and if she's open to moving towards 50/50 on a temp basis.

Right now I'm still stuck on supervised visits only 2h per week. If she agrees then we can focus on the 8 times she admitted to DV (punching me in the face, and other attacks in front of our son), the fact that her allegations are all without merit, and call out her admitting coaching.

My attorney was honest that a good outcome for me is 50/50. What typically happens is shared the first go round, and later on mom's behavior forces dad to go back to court. At that point he can often get awarded primary custody if mom breaks orders, continues false allegations and coaching, or has a serious manic episode.

Knowing her she won't agree to anything that won't show her as "winning". I expect she proposes every other weekend or something crazy, or asks me to do that psychosexual evaluation. Still if she keeps up her insistence I'm a drug addict and abusing our son despite all the evidence contrary, we will use it in court.

I am just really worried for my son being stuck with her. He has no other family support since she's cutoff, and if any of her "red flag" documents are true she is coaching him after each visit. Doing her "interviews".

I plan to do all exchanges at the police department, and am going to buy a 3 camera in hope camera system that records to a cloud service. Set one in his room, his bathroom, and the living room. I'll try to get 90 day or longer storage. Wyze is fairly cheap, but otherwise Nest or something like that.

[BuckeyHusband]

Our attorneys had a call this week.

The Good:
Our attorneys discussed in length the fact that my wife is the one with serious mental health issues and not me. She is on her 3rd psychiatrist so far this year and doesn't make it more than 6 months with one therapist. (Now I know why she started accusing me of doctor shopping out of the blue, projection). My wife agrees to submit to a psychological evaluation but...

The Bad:
My wife appears to be ignoring all advice from her attorney. She only agrees to an evaluation if I also submit (without merit). She is now making more meritless accusations including that I'm an alcoholic and need bi-weekly urine screens (I already do monthly drug tests at my doctor appointments). She also wants to get a BIA involved which neither attorney thinks is needed, and for me to start counseling (why?). None of this seems to have a good faith basis.

If I didn't have to go through a 9 month false child abuse investigation draining me of all my savings, 401k, and credit I would go straight to court.

I just can't tell what's due to a delusion or malice at this point. Does she know all of her ridiculous allegations just cost me time and money, while she can sit back without any debt? Or is it purely due to her delusions?

I'm ready to move on and start over. I am happy to do counseling for my own well being and trauma, and to learn to trust women again but I am opposed to doing counseling on her terms.

Big Question:
My attorney know of my financial limits and tends to recommend I appease her with the urine screens and counseling since it is so much cheaper than a Temporary Orders Hearing. When dealing with BPD spouse I feel like this is simply going to make things worse and that I'm not being firm but enabling each new false allegation she makes. Right now I'm on supervised visits 2h/week, and am afraid for my son. She admits to coaching him in her discover documents, and admits to repeated domestic violence but the CAA never even read our documents. I feel like any reasonable person that even read through our documents, emails, and her own admissions would see it plain as day.

Help please!

[ForeverDad]

My wife appears to be ignoring all advice from her attorney. She only agrees to an evaluation if I also submit (without merit). She is now making more meritless accusations including that I'm an alcoholic and need bi-weekly urine screens (I already do monthly drug tests at my doctor appointments). She also wants to get a BIA involved which neither attorney thinks is needed, and for me to start counseling (why?). None of this seems to have a good faith basis.

These demands don't have any basis except that she is trying to find any way to cast you as behaving worse than her.  As much as she insists she's fine, somewhere deep down she knows she doesn't look good and so feels she must make you appear bad too, or even worse.  Unless court orders you to do the things she is demanding, just say No.  Being overly nice or accommodating can become self-sabotaging.  While you shouldn't be mean, beware of being too nice or too forgiving.  A saying around here is, The person behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.  Be aware.

However, that is not to say court won't award a lot of default mother preference to her, at least at first.  Your task is to ensure you remain the reasonable but solution-oriented parent focused on securing a much parental responsibility as possible.  (I recall my lawyer telling me at the temp order hearing, "shh, stay quiet, we'll fix it later".  He had estimated the divorce at 7-9 months.  Well it took nearly two years to get to the final decree and court wasn't interested in fixing the defects in the temp order.  After all, it was only temporary, right?  Eventually court will shift more and more of the parenting responsibility to you while simultaneously trying its best to avoid making her look too bad.  But you and the kids need to get the best temp order possible since at this point you have no idea how long a temp order will be in effect.

[BuckeyHusband]

Thanks ForeverDad. The problem is I can't change temp orders without her agreement or going to court which could take 2 months. If I make an agreement with her on the temp orders I think she'll try to use it to justify that I actually have the issues. All that time I'll be on supervised visits.

What drives me crazy is I'm still on supervised due to allegations that have all been shown false or unsubstantiated, yet her admitted DV, coaching, and Psych hopping never pop up because the CAA apparently didn't read anything.

Not that she would have listened to the CAA, but the point was to give her attorney more backing in counseling her to cooperate.

[ForeverDad]

Agreeing to a short term deal will probably sabotage a long term solution, or at least make the deal that much harder to undo.

So is the court just waiting for a resolution to these assorted allegations?  If they're cleared up it would be better to return to court to move the case forward.  You don't want to agree (make a deal) to anything that will imply you look bad or are problematic.

Meanwhile, of course, expect her to make more allegations, she would love being able to wave papers in court claiming, "Look how evil and abusive he is!"  If the current temp order has blocked you from seeing the kids then at least she can't claim anything new.  So be on your best behavior.  Follow the order.  Resist the emotional urge to do anything that might upset your case.  Especially don't rant or rage at your ex, be aware she will try to egg you on and frame you.

There is nothing wrong with your lawyer attempting to get a deal.  But don't sell yourself short.  And usually it's best to have a date set on the court's calendar.  Quite often you get better results with a hearing looming closer and closer.

Downside is she'll get desperate and make more allegations.  Upside is that additional failed allegations will reduce her credibility over time.

In my case I recall that my divorce's final decree didn't work, we had equal time but she was still behaving as though she was Totally In Charge.  I filed for Change of Circumstances seeking custody.  In the decision that agreed I could proceed it also (1) stated some of her testimony was Not Credible and (2) reported in a brief paragraph she had made a new allegation that I had choked her years before and I wasn't even asked to respond.

If you're stuck in temporary supervised limbo, I believe most courts consider that supervision isn't needed once all the allegations have been discounted.  Long term supervision ought to be only for instances where a real problem has been identified and confirmed.  Unfounded is best but we seldom get that strong of a conclusion.  We usually have to settle for a bland unsubstantiated.

[jaymercedes]

Just want to say a huge thank you for the wisdom and experience you're sharing here.

With 15k posts, you definitely have seen a lot.

Also thank you to the original author. I'm going through something worse but very very similar. Was also naively not ready to commit to divorce but I'm glad I discovered "walking on eggshells", leading me to this forum and this thread on day 1 of coming here.

I'll make an intro post later but just had to say thank you to you both because it's resonating too deep. The fighting for custody and her relentless urge to dominate and control even after divorce is like describing the future of my situation with likely pretty good accuracy. I would not be surprised if the BP makes future allegations even after divorce.

[BuckeyHusband]

Hello,
It has been a bit so I thought I'd bring an update. Divorce with BPD wife, 4 yo son, her sister is supportive of me, but her mother is in denial. Been through 2 false sex abuse investigations, and various drug tests as she makes false accusations I'm a drunk and drunk addict. I've been in 2h/week supervised visits for 10 months. Started during investigation, but I haven't had funds to get back to court for temp orders hearing. Now bankrupt with over $50K in fees, and possibility of another $50K to get through final hearing. She drives up costs on purpose.

May - We had a status hearing with the judge to review documents from our CAA. All investigations were again unsubstantiated, and all drug tests negative. CAA didn't read any of my docs, watch videos, etc and gave a lukewarm neutral recommendation. CAA recommended a BIA (Best interest attorney).

2 weeks ago the BIA finally read my docs, watched videos, etc. I met him for 20m and he told me this had to end, he was going to get my son and I out of the supervised place, and asked what I was doing to protect myself. Also got new psych record from my wife. She lists childhood abuse from her mom, PTSD (multiple), ADHD, anxiety and panic attacks, and a phobia of tall men due to a trauma as a child from her friend's father (she's told her sister and I she was sexually abused, but the therapist which has the record has refused to turn over).

BIA gave an update today. He believes we need to be out of this situation and that her false allegations need to end, but is hesitant to change to full custody and prefers graduated where I have someone around to prevent false accusations.

I'm really frustrated at why everyone is appeasing her paranoid delusions. I really need the Judge to finally step in and "drop the hammer" so to speak.

My son has started coming to our visits with his arms covered in hand mark bruises. You can clearly see finger prints, and sometimes the entire grip itself. I have pictures, but the supervisors were unwilling to report to CPS. I was advised by my attorney to let the BIA handle rather than making a report and be seen as retaliating.

My plan is to buy 3 cloud storage cameras and pay for the extended 6 month record. Put them in his room, his bathroom, and have one to move around the house. Will also have family rotate in as much as possible. Sadly I'm by her family in AZ, and mine is in OH. Trying to get my 1 local friend to stop by 1 day a week, and maybe someone from church to stop in.

I just don't know why the BIA would recommend a "graduated" plan rather than an immediate change to custody, particularly given the overwhelming evidence supporting her BPD diagnosis.

Hoping to receive the BIA recommendation within a week (my wife's delayed her appointment for 2 weeks now), then set a Status Hearing with the judge, and then the final hearing.

Sadly I'm completely out of money and trying to get a relative to loan me. Need a strong BIA recommendation to perhaps make them more comfortable. Otherwise I'll run out of funds for the final hearing.

Lastly, I've looked for Men's Rights attorneys in AZ that might do probono work, but no luck.

Buckeye

[ForeverDad]

I would think twice about placing a camera in a private area such as a bathroom.  Professionals would be inclined to see it as intrusive surveillance versus security monitoring.

[BuckeyHusband]

Hello,
I have been absent for a long period of time, but wanted to provide everyone an update - particularly to give hope to those just starting.

About 2 years ago I initiated a divorce process as my uBPD ex-wife following her 3rd false child abuse report against me. Over the last 2 years I went from 1 year's worth of 2h/wk supervised parenting time, working back to 50/50, and as of a month ago granted sole custody and legal decision making with her parenting time therapeutically supervised.

She has continued to file false reports, flaunt court orders, involve the police, and more. The Court, DCS, and the Police all seem to have realized she is mentally ill. A year ago we had a Best Interest Attorney appointed, and about 9 months ago a Therapeutic Interventionist and Safe Haven play therapist for our soon to be 5 year old son. This was the turning point, having court specialists involved for long periods of time allowed them to see her patterns.

We  have a final hearing in August (2 years on the dot) and I am on good pace to have her finally agree to treatment or be locked into supervised visitation for a year or more at sole cost. This has cost me well over $100,000, but I want everyone to have faith that persistence, patience, being the perfect parent, and just allowing your BPD ex to show their illness can work in the end.

There are several possible findings recommended by the court, either Factitious Disorder (Munchausen by Proxy), or some unknown other mental illnesses. My son has been subjected to countless examinations, police, DCS, remove from my care on several occasions, and more but he is finally in a safe and stable household.

Thanks,
Buckeye

[kells76]

That is fantastic news -- so great that your son will have stability with you. I know how arduous and draining these conflicts can be, each in their own way. Good on you for sticking it out for your son.

Thanks for taking the time to come back and update us. It truly provides hope for so many readers and posters here.

I hope you have some relaxing and enjoyable experiences with your son to look forward too -- maybe a long deserved vacation 

Cheers;

kells76

[livednlearned]

Wow. What a turnaround from what you started with. And what a long time trying to get your story heard and witnessed. I'm glad the professionals involved could see what was happening.

How is S5 doing?

[GaGrl]

Thank you for the updates...It truly is a marathon, isn't it? Your determination and resilience took you to the finish line.

These updates are so valuable to those At The beginning of in the middle of their custody actions. You give others hope and a realistic view of the process.

[MeandThee29]

I have been absent for a long period of time, but wanted to provide everyone an update - particularly to give hope to those just starting.

Thanks,
Buckeye

Yes, so brave and encouraging.

I didn't have custody issues, but given how the divorce process went -- I would have had a hard time if I did. I can only imagine how hard this must have been for you.