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Author Topic: He has physically assaulted the cats while in a drunken rage  (Read 538 times)
Theperfectsky
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« on: March 18, 2019, 10:12:11 AM »

Hi..idk where to exactly start. My bf hasn't been diagnosed but I'm pretty sure he has BPD. We have a 1 year old daughter together and I have a 5yo from a previous relationship. I moved from my homestate to be with him in another while he completes residency. I had no idea what I was getting into until we moved in together.  I just thought he had problems communicating from past childhood traumas. I'm in therapy and have been for awhile. We did some couples and he started some individual only to fall off. My old counselor had mentioned to me about him having BPD. Now living with him I have found out its far worse and deeper than just communication problems

He is very emotionally mentally abusive towards me. Has destroyed very sentimental things to me and my son. It seems to magnify when he is drinking. Which he seems to turn to when any conflict, not just with me, arises in his life. We have 3 cats one of which was his. I say was because just recently he said he ran away and I knew something wasnt right because one- he has physically assalted the cats once before while in a drunken rage and two- he was very angry, irritable when I got home from work he was drunk and I noticed he had cut himself on his wrist. He continued to drink the rest of the week and weekend when he told me he found the cat outside in the street and he had been ran over. Of course I don't believe this. I believe he lost his temper with the cat. Is this characteristic behavior of a person with BPD?

I went and bought the walking on eggshells book that my new therapist rec. Which brought me to here... Glad I found you guys. I'm here without any family or friends. Really starting to question my relationship not only for my sake but my kids #1. after our cat incident im kinda afraid this will lead to physical violence against me or my children.

Thanks for listening( reading)
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Theperfectsky
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« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2019, 12:25:15 PM »

I think I posted in the wrong section. I feel now this should have went into conflicted or tolerating it. I just know I need HELP
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2019, 01:21:39 PM »

Hello and welcome! Welcome new member (click to insert in post) You posted in the right section so no worries there.

I'm so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but I'm very glad you found us!

Your BF's behavior isn't outside the norm for pwBPD, but it's also very abusive. The physical assaults on the cats, in particular, is a  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post). And destroying items that meant something to you and your son is also a big  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post).

While one can never be sure if abuse will escalate, it's definitely good that you're reaching out and looking for help. My own H became verbally and emotionally abusive at one point and it was a bewildering, painful experience. Very difficult to deal with. So, I can understand. Have you considered talking to a domestic violence counselor? I did and it helped me a great deal.

You might also look at the Mosaic test. It's not fool-proof, but is a good tool for trying to assess risk levels.

https://www.mosaicmethod.com

If you do feel like taking it, please let us know your score! We want to help in any way we can!
I would
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« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2019, 01:56:45 PM »

Glad you landed here! Sounds like you could use some compassionate friends who "get it". 

There is hope for a better life. I think you want to set your sites on your need for a stable and safe relationship, and recognize that you two have some serious problems, and the process of rehabilitating your relationship is just that, "a process". And lastly, if you can't rehabilitate after a  reasonable time, you will need to re-evaluate the long term potential. Obvious? Yes. But it helps to say it.

Where to start?

If he got angry and killed a pet cat, that's concerning and probably the place the place to start. I often tell members that if we can't get a partner to end physical aggression, we are not likely to have success with other digressions.  In the case of physical aggression, we have the most resources (e.g., family, law enforcement, public services, courts).

It sounds like the residency is a tremendous stressor and he is having a really hard time coping. He is projection his pain outward to try to relieve it. Separation in these times is best and more expedient than him learning new coping skills. That will come second (if it comes).

Conceptually, you want to talk to him when things are calm, and speak in a non-threatening and cooperative tone, and ask for help in setting up a way for the family/pets to be insulated from his anger and drinking when he is facing pressure and threats in his life. First, step, try to solve this together.

It could be as simple as agreeing that when he is pressured and angry/drinking, that he will stay a some local, inexpensive house/hotel, that there is a safe word (when you use it, he agrees to back off), and try to get agreement on what to do if he doesn't respond to safe word (e.g., call his best friend, his dad, the police, etc.).

Does this make sense in concept?

Do you envision that you could pull this off with him if you have a conversation after things have cooled off?

What are the best things about the relationship?
Conversely, what sets him off? How often does it happen? What does he do?

Skip

PS: Other members will weigh in and talk to you about a safty plan for you, the children, and the furballs.
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Harri
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« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2019, 04:00:10 PM »

Hi and welcome.  

I am glad you are reaching out for help both here and in therapy.  

You have already received some good information so I do not have much to add except a link to the Safety First for Domestic Violence that we have.  It is a great way to help you see what is going on in your relationship and to work out a safety plan when emotions are more calm than when in crisis.  

Do you have anything like this?
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Theperfectsky
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« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2019, 08:14:56 PM »

Hello and welcome! Welcome new member (click to insert in post) You posted in the right section so no worries there.

I'm so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but I'm very glad you found us!

Your BF's behavior isn't outside the norm for pwBPD, but it's also very abusive. The physical assaults on the cats, in particular, is a  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post). And destroying items that meant something to you and your son is also a big  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post).

While one can never be sure if abuse will escalate, it's definitely good that you're reaching out and looking for help. My own H became verbally and emotionally abusive at one point and it was a bewildering, painful experience. Very difficult to deal with. So, I can understand. Have you considered talking to a domestic violence counselor? I did and it helped me a great deal.

You might also look at the Mosaic test. It's not fool-proof, but is a good tool for trying to assess risk levels.

https://www.mosaicmethod.com

If you do feel like taking it, please let us know your score! We want to help in any way we can!
I would

I took it and got a 6.
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Theperfectsky
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« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2019, 08:33:34 PM »

Glad you landed here! Sounds like you could use some compassionate friends who "get it". 

There is hope for a better life. I think you want to set your sites on your need for a stable and safe relationship, and recognize that you two have some serious problems, and the process of rehabilitating your relationship is just that, "a process". And lastly, if you can't rehabilitate after a  reasonable time, you will need to re-evaluate the long term potential. Obvious? Yes. But it helps to say it.

Where to start?

If he got angry and killed a pet cat, that's concerning and probably the place the place to start. I often tell members that if we can't get a partner to end physical aggression, we are not likely to have success with other digressions.  In the case of physical aggression, we have the most resources (e.g., family, law enforcement, public services, courts).

It sounds like the residency is a tremendous stressor and he is having a really hard time coping. He is projection his pain outward to try to relieve it. Separation in these times is best and more expedient than him learning new coping skills. That will come second (if it comes).

Conceptually, you want to talk to him when things are calm, and speak in a non-threatening and cooperative tone, and ask for help in setting up a way for the family/pets to be insulated from his anger and drinking when he is facing pressure and threats in his life. First, step, try to solve this together.

It could be as simple as agreeing that when he is pressured and angry/drinking, that he will stay a some local, inexpensive house/hotel, that there is a safe word (when you use it, he agrees to back off), and try to get agreement on what to do if he doesn't respond to safe word (e.g., call his best friend, his dad, the police, etc.).

Does this make sense in concept?

Do you envision that you could pull this off with him if you have a conversation after things have cooled off?

What are the best things about the relationship?
Conversely, what sets him off? How often does it happen? What does he do?

Skip

PS: Other members will weigh in and talk to you about a safty plan for you, the children, and the furballs.


We have had many conversations and he agrees and then doesn't follow through. We are supposed to have our first couples session with a new counselor this Saturday. But he may have to work.
Best things about the relationship thats really hard to answer. His outbursts seem to outweigh his normal times now or when he is normal I'm still thinking of the outbursts. What sets him off? It could be anything. There are landmines everywhere. Most things I say he takes negatively or that I'm trying to hurt him in some way. He will say I had a certain tone or facial expression and it means "this" and when I tell him no that's not what I was doing or saying at all he accuses me of lying.  I have JADEed almost every time we get into an argument and I can see now how it escalates. I was looking back today and it seems to happen every 3-4 weeks a few days prior to that it will start with the snarky backhanded comments but usually will defuse quickly then it escalates day by day and by the 4th 5th day in hes yelling calling me names saying horrible things about my appearance my job my family. I'm lazy I dont love our daughter I love my son more. I don't love him. And then it will go to throwing things breaking things. Or threatening to break things. Thats when I usually pack the kids up and leave and then he accuses me of keeping him from his daughter this makes him more angry. He says how he doesnt trust me that he hates me wants to be with someone else someone better ive just started to agree and ignore pretty much and then by the end of the weekend things have calmed down  and hes back to loving me again and wanting to cuddle and have sex and its mind boggling to me. But now I understand because he has BPD it all makes sense.
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Theperfectsky
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« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2019, 08:34:35 PM »

Hi and welcome.  

I am glad you are reaching out for help both here and in therapy.  

You have already received some good information so I do not have much to add except a link to the Safety First for Domestic Violence that we have.  It is a great way to help you see what is going on in your relationship and to work out a safety plan when emotions are more calm than when in crisis.  

Do you have anything like this?

I havent looked at it yet but no I don't have anything like this
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« Reply #8 on: March 18, 2019, 11:45:23 PM »

Best things about the relationship thats really hard to answer. His outbursts seem to outweigh his normal times now or when he is normal I'm still thinking of the outbursts.

You are hanging around for a reason - even if its buried under the stress. Its good to get in touch with this. It is what will motivate you to push forward constructively (rather than defensively).

Most things I say he takes negatively or that I'm trying to hurt him in some way.

So is it far to say that he gets stressed (from things outside the relationship), becomes super sensitive, is easily in validated (e.g., JADE), and lashes out?

And then it will go to throwing things breaking things. Or threatening to break things. Thats when I usually pack the kids up and leave...

Do you think you can flip this so that he leaves?

You are going to need help. Daylight is the best disinfectant. Who can you two enlist together as an accountability partner?  Brother? Parent?
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2019, 07:28:52 AM »

I took it and got a 6.

That's the same score I got when I took it last year. It's not off the charts, but it does indicate you need to be mindful and careful. These things can tip over quickly.

I hope you look at the link Harri posted. It can be overwhelming, I know. But I'd be happy to help boil some things down for you, if you like. I got a lot of pointers from my DV counselor.

And Skip's recommendation of an accountability partner is a good one. Ours is our best friend, who lives nearby. It's also a good idea to have a safety person -- someone in the know (someone who won't judge or try to tell you what to do). If things get too heated or you're feeling threatened, you text or call this person with a pre-decided codeword or emoji. They will then do whatever you agreed upon earlier: show up at your house, call your house, call the police. It's amazing how an interruption can stop a rage.
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« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2019, 08:11:13 AM »

Skip's recommendation of an accountability partner is a good one. Ours is our best friend, who lives nearby. It's also a good idea to have a safety person -- someone in the know (someone who won't judge or try to tell you what to do).

I meant something different by accountabile partner... I meant someone in her bf life that will hold him accountable. Your idea of a safety person is an excellent idea - but different.

Guys that get "over-the-top" do it in a private world. If you can agree to get him to confess this problem (with you) to someone important in his life and ask them to be a mentor or accountability person (someone to coach him when he is upset) -  then he will be less likely to rage at you. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Right now you are in a vulnerable position. You live in HIS house. You live in HIS town (no friends). When he get "out of control" it is behind doors and safe for him.

Bringing light to this situation should help. And you can do a little at at time but push for more visibility if things don't get better.
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Theperfectsky
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« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2019, 03:22:06 PM »

You are hanging around for a reason - even if its buried under the stress. Its good to get in touch with this. It is what will motivate you to push forward constructively (rather than defensively).

I'll get back to you on this.

So is it far to say that he gets stressed (from things outside the relationship), becomes super sensitive, is easily in validated (e.g., JADE), and lashes out?

Yes most def

Do you think you can flip this so that he leaves?

Ive tried he pays the rent even tho we are both on the lease so he always throws that out and hes usually drunk and says he cant drive.

You are going to need help. Daylight is the best disinfectant. Who can you two enlist together as an accountability partner?  Brother?  Parent?

A month ago I involved his sisters and brother in lae because he was on a week long bender and extreme anger and sadness talking about killing himself. At that time we all had a sit down and he was supposed to start AA and they were supposed to hold him accountable which they havent. They are Indian so they dont believe in any of this. They think he has an anger problem while drinking. I told them it was far deeper than that. They told me all his abuse he has experienced is just lies and pity hes trying to geg out of me to give him a reason to drink which he doesn't believe. His older sis and bro in law live in Philly and his younger sisters over 2 hrs away so they are not close. His parents did get involved as well but again my bf will not "open up" to his family. He has told me on numerous occasions do not contact them do not tell them he has been drinking. They basically told me that I should leave and they cant help me especially with how far away they are and why would I want to stay with someone who treats me the way he does. So no there isnt anyone.
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« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2019, 03:50:12 PM »

They basically told me that I should leave and they cant help me especially with how far away they are and why would I want to stay with someone who treats me the way he does. So no there isn't anyone.

That's really discouraging to hear. I understand how you feel.

First and foremost, you need a safety plan. I would do that this week. We can help. Just start another discussion. You will want to make brief contact wit the local domestic abuse people just to open a file, learn a little about the reality of their services, etc.  The killing of the cat is extremely concerning.

Is it your belief that you have explained your concerns, that he knows you won't be in the relationship long term if there are no changes, and he has made no remorse and is making no effort?

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Theperfectsky
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« Reply #13 on: March 19, 2019, 04:29:44 PM »

That's really discouraging to hear. I understand how you feel.

First and foremost, you need a safety plan. I would do that this week. We can help. Just start another discussion. You will want to make brief contact wit the local domestic abuse people just to open a file, learn a little about the reality of their services, etc.  The killing of the cat is extremely concerning.

Is it your belief that you have explained your concerns, that he knows you won't be in the relationship long term if there are no changes, and he has made no remorse and is making no effort?



He has remorse but its all just words. There's no action. Hes like I said I would do couples counseling didn't I? I said yes but you need to do individual. You also said you would do AA and you havent done that and hes like I dont have a drinking problem. Hes like im functioning. I go to work. I pay bills. I save people's lives. Im a doctor. (This is always his go to) I said yes you do those things no you don't all day everyday but when alcohol is in your system you are quicker to rage. You and alcohol dont mix. The things you have done under the influence are not good. You turn to alcohol to solve your stress problems instead of looking within and talking avout things. Alcohol solves nothing so thats why I think AA would be good.

As far as safety plan I have 2 children 1 being a one year old baby essentially who doesnt walk yet and needs a car seat. Which is his daughter which before he has kicked me out and wouldn't let me get her. So idk how that would work

I dont want to believe he would kill. But there are so many holes and his behavior... He cut himself. Hes never done something like that with me before.. Hes been telling me everyday how much he misses the cat. I said please tell me what happened he says I told you. I'm very disturbed by it and upset. Do BPDs do stuff like this? Is he a psychopath or sociopath? I just cant wrap my head around this
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« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2019, 04:57:06 PM »

Do BPDs do stuff like this? Is he a psychopath or sociopath? I just cant wrap my head around this...

Or alcoholic? Or a narcissist? Or a jerk? Or a guy over his head? Pick 2? Pick 3?

Let's go back to the cat. What was he like the day of the event? What was his reaction to what happened?
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Theperfectsky
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« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2019, 08:43:39 PM »

Or alcoholic? Or a narcissist? Or a jerk? Or a guy over his head? Pick 2? Pick 3?

Let's go back to the cat. What was he like the day of the event? What was his reaction to what happened?

It was last Wed. I called him when I got out of work no answer. Tried calling again otw home no answer. He called me back. I dont remember the exact convo but he said "cats name" ran away. I said ran away? What do you mean? He said I went to go check the mail and he followed out behind me. I went after him down the rd but he ran into someone elses yard and he was gone. He will come back I'm sure and if he doesn't ____ it. There's nothing I can do. I said well hopefully he didn't go far hes still young so if he goes really far idk if he will know his way back. I had told the story of when one of my cats ran away and how I went out looking for her shaking the cat food bag so I said we will do that when i get home. Go for a walk look for him it's nice outside. Come home hes on the couch as usual. I get the cat food I say come on lets go. "Nah man I'm good. I don't want to go. If he comes back great if not oh well(idk if these were his exact words but he was acting like he didn't care. Which is what he does when he is hurt) I said no come on its your cat. That was your pet what kind of a parent are you you aren't even going to look for him. So we go outside and the whole time hes acting embarrassed. Hes like we look weird out here calling out his name and shaking this jar. I said so. We are looking for our cat. Hes like im going to go back I said no. We will go to the end of the street and then turn around. We get back in front of the house and my son goes to the mailbox and takes the mail out. I say I thought you got the mail? He said I was in the process then I saw the cat was out so I went after him. I said so then after why didn't you just come get the mail. He says idk I just didn't. We get home hes acting distant. I say what's wrong hes like nothing. I don't feel well. I said what happened. He said nothing I told you he ran away. I said you know I don't believe that right. Please just tell me what happened hes like I'm going to bed. It was 645. I said at 645? And you think I believe that nothing happened. You're acting completely different today than yesterday. Keep asking him to talk to me talk to me. He goes into the bed I say fine. Whatever you're holding onto isn't solving anything and I can tell you've been drinking. He says I haven't. Idk what you're talking about. I say i can smell it. Next day Thursday he leaves to go to work early in the morning doesn't say bye texts me in the afternoon saying can he just tell his family that I'm going back home so our plans we had on Saturday with them could be cancelled. I said no . I already told them I wasn't going back homet this is a late bday celebration for our daughter we are going. Hes like I dont feel well. I said you don't feel well because you aren't talking and getting out what happened. Just tell me. No response. Get home Thursday hes wasted in the fetal position lying in the middle of the floor. Doesnt take a lot. He intermediate fasts and is small. The bag was on the floor 5 shots two 16oz beers. I said what are you doing? He's slurring. Huh? He says. He always denies everything. I said what's going on just please talk to me. I'm here for you. Whatever it is. I think you lost your temper is that what happened. He says huh again? Nothing happened. I'm fine. Idk what you're talking about. I see the gash on his wrist. I said why are you doing that? He tried to hide it. He said what. I said that on your wrist. He said i slipped and fell I said no you didn't. Hes getting louder he said yea I did. Outside. You don't know what youre talking about. I said you know I know that you didn't slip and fall. Please tell me what happened.  You know work is going to know to what that is. Hes like do you think I should wear a long sleeve shirt. I said why if you slip and fell hes like because I know it doesn't look like that but thats what happened. Fast forward to Friday his attending apparently sent him home and told him he needed to try and find someone for his shift Sunday as well. He was supposed to work 24hrs both days. I said well what did he say he said nothing he was younger and cool he saw my arm. So when I get home Friday hes again wasted. He drinks all night and I get up in the middle of the night to make sure he wasn't terrorizing another cat because I noticed a light on and things were too quiet and there was a garbage bag on the floor and he was tying it up. I said what are you doing? He's like why are you sneaking up on me. I said I'm not. Hes like why are you standing right in front of me. I said because I'm talking to you. Hes like back up. Hes very drunk at this point I said what are you doing in here whats in that bag? He said my bottles and cans this is where I hide them. I said let me see. He said no I don't want you to see that that's why it's tied up I wasn't about to go put it in the trash so you could go through it because you know you would to see how much ive been drinking. Hes like get out of here no one told you to come in here. Go away. Hes like why are you waiting for me to leave you can go. I said I'm not why can't we leave the room together. I'm just here talking to you. Hes like oh I wanted to tell you earlier when I left I saw cat up the street by the statefarm. He got ran over. I said what? So if I go up there right now he will be in the street and he goes yea unless they came and picked him up. I said who and he said they pick up roadkill. I said no they don't. I've driven to work for a week and a dead animal was there everyday. I said did you pick him up? Is that him in the bag? Hes starting to get angry he said no you don't ____ing know everything. They do pick up roadkill. Do you drive a street and monitor it all day? No you don't. Name calling starts. You aren't ____. Now leave me alone. You can go. Go. He shoos me away. I say ok. Saturday morning I said you need to get up and go to the gym. I had said this the night before as well how I see him going in a downward spiral he hasn't done anything for self care. That I'm worried about him. He agrees hes in a rut. Saturday morning I'm pushing pushing trying to get him to get up and go to the gym he starts with the idc about him. His cat got ran over and i don't even care. I say how do I not care? I've begged you basically to talk to me you won't. There's nothing I can do. He starts babbling about what he would get prison jail etc I said for what and hes like they will think I did something. I said what are you talking about and he goes bevause I let him get outside. I said pets get outside and get ran over all the time. Hes like oh well ____ it. I'll get a lawyer and I'm like what are you talking about? And he goes huh? I'm just saying. And I say just saying what and hes like nothing. Leave me alone. Don't act like you care. I said i do. I told you I'm here if you want to talk. And hes like I can't talk to you. I said why not and he says I don't trust you. I said what have I ever done to break your trust and he had nothing to say. I said get up go to the gym you'll feel better. Me and the kids left. He ended up going to the gym. Get back and hes drunk again. Mad. Our daughter is sick. I tell him she has pinkeye which you can clearly see I say call her in some drops then he goes into a rage . im a Dr. You don't know what the heck you're talking about. You think you're so smart you aren't. Cunt. Name name name. My son comes out and says I heard all the bad words out here. I said yea he shouldn't be saying those I look at him for him to acknowledge hes like you got your son vaccinated didn't you? Why isn't my daughter good enough? I said only for a short period of time I now know they're poison hes like bull____. You love him more. You don't care about her. Let me have her. Name name name. Just beating me down with words his go to. I dont engage. I said I think daughter needs to go to the Dr her cough is getting bad. Hes like no. I'm a Dr. I said I understand that but she needs to go. He leaves to go get more alcohol. I run tell my son to get a blanket that we are leaving. I grab the diaper bag and leave I knew then it wasnt going to be a good night. Went to childrens er he continued to drink and rage over the phone. Went to a hotel. Next day continued to rage and threaten me about talking to his family and if I didnt bring his daughter home he was going to destroy my sons things i said do it and I will call the cops. He called back and said he wasn't going to do that its not my sons fault. I told him as long as hes going to be argumentative I'm not coming home. I was reading the book this entire time and called him back and said I know youre upset. I'm sorry that you feel like I'm keeping our daughter from you. That would upset me too. I would never keep her from you. We were fighting so much and I felt separation was best it had nothing to do with our daughter. Things were perfectly fine after that. He asked for a hug that night. He told me he loved me. he told me he missed the cat. I started crying about it. He was crying about it . said he couldnt get the image of him when he was a baby out of his head. He said he was a terrible owner. Because of the time before when he hit him with a broom.

Sorry its so long. This went through the whole weekend.
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Theperfectsky
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« Reply #16 on: March 23, 2019, 06:01:38 PM »

Really dont want to get another hotel. Really want to go home. Tired of having to Come and go. Idk what to do. Looking for guidance...

Thanks
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« Reply #17 on: March 24, 2019, 05:38:58 PM »

Hi Theperfectsky:
How are things going today?

I'm Sorry you had a difficult evening last night.  Did you find a safe place to stay?  Is there a woman's shelter near where you live?
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« Reply #18 on: March 24, 2019, 08:47:18 PM »

I ended up going back home and used A LOT of SET. Doing better today. Thanks
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #19 on: March 24, 2019, 08:55:11 PM »

Thanks for the update.  Glad you are doing OK.  Have you made contact with any local domestic violence folks?  I know from experience that can be a scary step, and when things are calm it's natural to feel a strong desire to just hang onto the peace and not rock the boat.  The DV folks provide a valuable complement to the perspective we offer here.  A great site to check out is www.thehotline.org, and in particular, this link is very helpful -- you can learn more about the differences between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive behavior by looking at a very useful graphic called the Relationship Spectrum.

Let us know what you think.

RC
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« Reply #20 on: March 25, 2019, 10:11:31 AM »

I second Radcliff's recommendation. When I first reached out to a DV agency, I was flooded with emotions. I felt embarrassed. I felt scared. I felt silly (am I overreacting?). I was shaking when I dialed the number. But the person I spoke to on the phone was calm, kind and reassuring and set me up with an in-person talk the next day. The information and support I've gained through my meetings with my DV counselor have been invaluable.

Do take a look and let us know your thoughts!
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #21 on: April 01, 2019, 02:04:52 AM »

How have things been going in the last week?

RC
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Theperfectsky
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« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2019, 06:46:02 PM »

Things were ok. But we are back to a cycle again. He has flipped me off called me all sort of names tonight. Came and took some of my food and drink I got at the drive thru. Hes currently laying on the couch in the dark told me and the kids to get the eff out. He has started with "pay me part of rent" which he says every cycle and im a free loader and lazy and this and that. I know hes upset and I said that to him and i tried to talk to him. Tried using SET he just said eff off get the eff out of my face...
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« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2019, 08:27:35 PM »

Generally when they are dysregulated like this, nothing, not even the tools will work to get through to them.  You are usually better off giving them space to return to baseline and just keep yourself and the kids safe some where out of range and carry on.
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Theperfectsky
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« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2019, 08:44:12 PM »

Yea idk what I did but hes sleeping on the couch. I tried talking to him. Asking him what he's upset about. He said just leave me alone. You would think I did something terrible with him sleeping on the couch and not talking to me. This is crazy... I hate when people are upset with me and then not knowing why. Ugh.
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« Reply #25 on: April 03, 2019, 08:55:39 PM »

Hi.  I hate that feeling too but lets look at this. 

Chances are, he is not angry with you at all no matter what he says.  If you push him, no matter how kindly or with concern,  for a reason for him being that way, he will find one and chances are pretty high it will be directed at you even if you have done nothing at all.   Asking him whats wrong, what you did, why he is angry is not helping the situation and is probably making it worse (I know that is not your intention).

We have an article that I think you might benefit by reading it.  It is Distress tolerance for us nons when dealing with our partner or family member who is dysregulated.  Be sure to click on the images in post 2 for all of the information.  The article talks more about when we lose our cool but that can apply to when we are feeling very anxious as well.  See what you think.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331665.0
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #26 on: April 04, 2019, 01:26:59 AM »

Harri has some good advice.  Your in a tough spot.  Absorbing all of this feels terrible.  In addition to the help you can get here, it would make a huge difference for you to get face-to-face support from folks who have been there.  Have you ever been to an Al-anon meeting?

RC
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« Reply #27 on: April 04, 2019, 04:36:23 PM »

No RC I havent. I just dont know how to do this. Hes in a cycle right now and every month its "move out. I don't want to be with you" it's giving me the cold shoulder. He doesnt even have to say anything i can feel it all.
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