I'm Struggling To Focus On Supporting Others Here

[Mr. Dake]

I'm feeling guilty about this.  My life's work is as a caregiver.  My identity is in caring for others.  I'm new to the group and I find myself loving the support from others. I highly look forward to responses to my posts.  My sense of self is that I should be focused on helping others.  Some how focusing on others feels too much and beyond what I'm able to do.  I'm almost crying as I write this.  I think that I'm in a space of struggling with my emotions around my daughter, and that I judge that I don't have much to offer to others.  I don't feel that I've figured things out, what do I have to offer to someone else who's struggling.    Others seem overwhelmed and I feel overwhelmed.  Others have children who are older than my child and is this what the next twenty years will be like for us?   I continue to experience an emotional reaction as I read posts by others and its a new feeling for me.  I'm a person who helps others.  Why don't I feel like I can be more supportive?      

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Mr. Dake,
I am glad to meet you although sorry for the circumstances. Parenting a child with BPD is an emotional roller coaster. Feeling too overwhelmed to be your usual helper self is very understandable.
Right now you are the one who needs help. The good news is you are in the right place to get it. What is it that concerns you the most?

[Skip]

When you are ready, you will know it. We can only give from abundance and we don't always have that. I was overwrought when I came here, too.

Have you taken this test? It was insightful to me.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0

What is it that concerns you the most?

Yes, what is happening this week?

[Mr. Dake]

What concerns me the most is supporting our daughter and hoping for things with her to improve.  This week she's earned many hours of detention.   She's convinced that the school is racist.  Consequences for her behavior doesn't help her to change her behavior.  I've said little to nothing to her about this for fear of being invalidating.   I'm at a loss as to how to support her with doing better at school.   That said, her program seems to be at a loss as well.         

[Mr. Dake]

I scored a 14, so I don't think that I'm depressed.  I'm feeling more tired, discouraged, frustrated, helpless, and overwhelmed with our daughter.

[Houdini]

Your words to my ears. You have perfectly articulated what I am feeling and because of your willingness to be so open, you are helping me, a newbie to this journey as well, to be as vulnerable. Just telling your story has let me see that I am not alone and right now that is exactly what I, and I am sure many others need so THANK YOU!

[FaithHopeLove]

What concerns me the most is supporting our daughter and hoping for things with her to improve.

Things really can improve with your daughter. The best advise I can give is to start with you. Learn all you can about BPD and the skills you need to communicate well with someone who has it. There are lots of good materials on this website. Check out the book recommendations. They are all excellent. Reading them really helped me. If possible, get therapy for yourself to help you cope with the stress of having a child with this illness. Do lots of self care. The better you are the better it will be for her. Does that make sense?

[Skip]

Things really can improve with your daughter.

FaithHopeLove is right.

I scored a 14, so I don't think that I'm depressed.

Well that is a bit of good news.

Our daughter has been in treatment for many years.   One of her strengths is that she's very open to counseling.  She's been in equine assisted therapy for 8 years.  She had an amazing counselor for 7 years before he moved on in his life.  She's been in a substantially separate therapeutic classroom for the last two years with a very good counselor.  She had a neuro psych which she transitioned from a charter school to the therapeutic classroom.  She's been diagnosed with a mood disorder and with ADHD.  I'd have to relook at the diagnostic criteria but I believe that she meets the criteria for Oppositional Defiance Disorder and may fall under a Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.  She has lots of anger, poor emotional management, and many behavioral issues.

Sounds like she has had a lot of professional attention and engaged it. Has any of her treatment been residential? At sixteen you have 2 years left to do something like. Sending your child away has really helped a few of our members.

We had one member have great progress at Falcon Ridge - but as you can read - it's hard. This is her 10 month journey. I know this family now and have been able to watch the slow, steady progress for years. Mom dearly loves her daughter - but mom is no pushover. She communicates love and strength.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120563.0

You are not too far from McLeans Hospital and Dr. Aguirre. He is inspirational. This is one of our most viewed videos. I learn something every time I watch it.


Date: Nov-2011Minutes: 41:56  
BPD in Adolescence  | Blaise Aguirre, MD | NEA-BPD 2011 Meeting

About the Author
Blaise Aguirre received his medical degree from the University of the Witwatersrand in Johannesburg, South Africa. He completed the residency program in psychiatry at Boston University and a fellowship in child and adolescent psychiatry at the Boston Medical Center. After completion of his residency he served as assistant training director for the Boston University Child and Adolescent Fellowship program and after that was appointed as Medical Director of the Lowell Youth Treatment Center. He has been on staff at McLean (Harvard) since 2000. He is board certified by the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology in psychiatry. Dr. Aguirre is experienced in child, adolescent and adult psychopharmacology and psychotherapy, including DBT. He holds an appointment as an Instructor in Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Dr. Aguirre also has a small private practice where he specializes in adolescent and adult psychotherapy of Borderline Personality Disorder.

[DriftlessRider]

I'm feeling guilty about this.  My life's work is as a caregiver.  My identity is in caring for others.  I'm new to the group and I find myself loving the support from others. I highly look forward to responses to my posts.  My sense of self is that I should be focused on helping others.  Some how focusing on others feels too much and beyond what I'm able to do.  I'm almost crying as I write this.  I think that I'm in a space of struggling with my emotions around my daughter, and that I judge that I don't have much to offer to others.  I don't feel that I've figured things out, what do I have to offer to someone else who's struggling.    Others seem overwhelmed and I feel overwhelmed.  Others have children who are older than my child and is this what the next twenty years will be like for us?   I continue to experience an emotional reaction as I read posts by others and its a new feeling for me.  I'm a person who helps others.  Why don't I feel like I can be more supportive?      

Take what you need, give what you can. You can't help others without also caring for yourself. Anyways, sharing your struggle is helpful to me in itself. Knowing we're not alone in these feelings is so helpful.

[Only Human]

I think many of us felt that way when we got here, Mr. Dake. I, too, really looked forward to responses to my posts, logging in frequently, hoping for some guidance, I was in crisis.

I really like what Skip wrote:

We can only give from abundance and we don't always have that.

When I got here, I had nothing to give. So I let others give to me.

I echo Houdini and DriftlessRider, by sharing your story, you are already helping others. We are family here, journeying together, every voice strengthens the community.

~ OH

[Mr. Dake]

Thank you for the support!  

In Massachusetts, special education services are available from age 3 - 22.  There is a program of support for college and job training in our school district from age 18 - 22.  Students have attended the local community college and college.  So, my hope is that we have 5 additional years of help for our daughter through the school following this year!  Our daughter has been in a short-term program when she was at considering cutting her throat during the middle of the night.

Yesterday, Mrs. Dake and our daughter met with the School Resource Officer for a discussion on how continuing to make threatening statements will lead to legal consequences.   Law enforcement has been very adept in their conversations with our daughter.  I'm impressed with the skills that many officers demonstrate.  She seemed to be able to hear what he was saying to her.      

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mr. Dake]

I'm a life-long learner and I find that learning in this area translates into being more supportive of people in a work environment as well.  Ross Greene also worked in Massachusetts and we have found his approach, Collaborative Problem Solving, to be helpful. 

Around self-care, I have a demanding full-time job and a part-time job.  We've been in a season over the last seven years where Mrs. Dake has prioritized supporting our youngest daughter, and I earned more money towards our eldest two children's college.   I like both of my jobs, but I grew tired.   Our second graduates from college in December and I've given notice for then for my second job (I pastor a small church).  My first job is going very well (I opened an affordable assisted living community) which is very rewarding, but it's a lot of work and responsibility. 

My focus on eating healthier, exercising, and binge watching shows with my wife is helpful!             

[Mr. Dake]

We finished watching Breaking Bad and have started watching Mad Men!            

[Mr. Dake]

Collaborative Problem Solving is a Win/Win approach to conflict developed by Doctor Ross Greene.  Like Doctor Aguirre, he sees youth who struggling behaviorally as having a skills deficit.

www.thinkkids.org/learn/our-collaborative-problem-solving-approach/



   

[Mr. Dake]

www.cpsconnection.com/dr-ross-greene

[Mr. Dake]

Doctor Aguirre in the video alludes to Cognitive Analytic Therapy which I was not familiar with versus Cognitive Behavioral Therapy:

https://www.acat.me.uk/page/what+is+the+difference+between+cat+and+cbt

[StressedOutDaily]

Mr. Drake -

I very much appreciate your sharing your story and supplying links of articles, videos you have found helpful.  With a D around the same age as yours, it has been very helpful reading your posts and knowing that we are not alone in our struggle.   

SOD


 

[livednlearned]

Don't worry, we got you 

I came here in crisis many years ago and things have stabilized beyond anything I imagined thanks to support here. There came a time when I had the strength to help others. It will happen when you're ready.

Also, sharing what your going through is therapeutic on its own. A lot of people read who need to know they aren't alone.

You help just by being here.

[Mr. Dake]

Thank you all for the encouragement!   I'm heartened to hear that merely being open is helpful to others.  My day off tomorrow is going to  be spent on a long drive to Vermont to participate in an ordination counsel.   I'm feeling pretty excited as they are very interesting.  The candidate has an interesting background and I enjoy engaging with another's faith journey and beliefs.  It's something that I got to do more when pastoral ministry was my full-time job.        

[yoyobutterfly]

Hi Mr Dake,
I’m new to this forum too so I usually don’t feel like I have enough experience to provide input.
A few people have said this already, but I wanted to say it again because I feel strongly about it. I want you to know that I’ve read your posts, and, even if I haven’t commented, they’ve been helpful to me. Just to read them and think “thank god I’m not the only one going through this” is helpful. Please know that.
And you doing what you need to for you (including getting support here) is important for you to be able to give support to others at work and home.
A few other random thoughts:
Breaking Bad is the BEST and I might have to binge watch again
Dr G would be my rapper name
Please keep posting as long as it’s helpful for you

[Mirsa]

Hi Mr. Dake,

I agree with YoYoButterfly:   I want you to know that I’ve read your posts, and, even if I haven’t commented, they’ve been helpful to me. Just to read them and think “thank god I’m not the only one going through this” is helpful. Please know that.

I too came to these boards when I needed more support, and now I do feel more emotionally stable, which is nice.  But, for me, the process of sharing what I'm thinking and how I'm processing my relationship with my daughter really helps me clarify and confirm the rightness of my path right now.  I'm hugely relieved to not be in the emotional crisis of several months ago.  When my BPD was ages 15-17 it was just three years of awfulness...the school did the best they could.  I wish I had some of the resources that others have mentioned here, they might have helped my daughter more, and now that she is 18 and higher-functioning, she probably won't get that type of help.  When she was in crisis and I had more authority over her, I think I had a better chance of intervening.  However, I can accept that at the time, I was just so traumatized and emotionally wrung out from all the constant issues and drama, that I didn't have the emotional energy I would have needed to really make a clear-headed decision about a more-intensive treatment for her.  Plus, we were going through a acrimonious divorce, and it was easier to identify that situation as the problem, not the DD.  Ex-husband didn't help matters at all, and eventually abandoned her 100%, which aggravated her behaviors even more.  So, I was a solo parent, working 3 jobs, and trying to manage a BPD in crisis, and my younger daughter was also struggling.  Thus, I know now that I did the very best that I could in a an exceptionally difficult time and situation. 

It sounds to me as though you have more to share than you realize just by being here, and one day you will be more at peace and sharing your insight and accomplishments with the newcomers.   I hope you can practice self-compassion and allow yourself to be on the receiving end of the love and understanding offered here.  Vunerability and accepting love are both strengths.

Mirsa

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hope2727]

You are allowed to need support and not give it. You cannot serve from an empty platter. So read, write, ask, share and don't panic about not supporting others. Once your bucket is refilled I am sure the tides will turn and you will be ready to lend a hand. Remember we are good to no one if we are run dry and we MUST put our own oxygen masks on first.

Ok is that enough analogies for one post?  

Sending you a virtual hug. 

[Miserable Mom]

I’m new here also and just being here is the best support I have found for myself. Ours is a lonely journey for sure. I’ve just recently started reaching out and sharing for my own well being. I’m very well aware how close to crash and burn I am. Take as much time as you need. Just lurk for awhile if that is all what makes you comfortable. Misery loves company! And to note on residential, I’m searching and we would already be at McLean if it wasn’t self-pay. $60,000 cash upfront is the minimum. Any one have any leads on this? The facilities I have researched I don’t trust, horrific reviews and they seem to focus on either eating disorders/self-harm or refer to substance abuse rehab.

[stampingt1]

Mr. Dake,

"Take what you need & give when you can!"

I'm new here, too. It helps so very much that (unfortunately) others are going through similar things. I am no longer alone on an island. Things are not getting better for us at the rate that I would like. However, I have learned that it could be worse & it's all about "baby steps".

Have a good trip!

[Cat Familiar]

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