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Topic: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter (Read 492 times)
piero33
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The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
«
on:
March 18, 2019, 09:37:14 PM »
My daughter is 20 and has BPD. She just had a drug-induced (cocaine and marijuana) psychotic episode that ended up with her being admitted to a mental hospital where they diagnosed her with schizophrenia. Her behavior was definitely schizophrenic, but from what I've read, Borderlines are often misdiagnosed as schizophrenic. They had her on an anti-psychotic medication while she was in, but now she's out and not doing well. She blames me for EVERYTHING, including being born. All of her hate and anger is directed at me, and all I've done is try to be here for her and be the best mom I can be. She was not sexually abused as a child, some verbal abuse from her dad, but even though her dad and I divorced when she was a baby, she had a good childhood. My other daughter was exposed to the same things as a child, and she is fine. She's 19, going to college, working, active in her church at college, and doing well. My BPD daughter had ADHD as a child and had a lot of unexplained tantrums as a little girl. She was very difficult to raise, and as soon as she hit puberty, about 6th grade, things got worse by the day. I can't go into it all here - I could write a book. I just would like some advice on how to get through this. I am a Christian and pray for her all the time and believe God will help her, but I'm just so exhausted of this non-stop roller coaster of emotions and hate and blame. She blames me for giving her Ritalin starting in Kindergarten for her ADHD, but she would not have made it through school without it. Anyone else out there with a similar story?
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Only Human
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
«
Reply #1 on:
March 18, 2019, 09:54:10 PM »
Hi
piero33
and
I'm so sorry for what brings you here but I'm really glad you found us. You will find many others here with similar stories, you are not alone.
What you've described sounds exhausting for sure - it's so difficult being the target of so much anger, I'm glad you've come here looking for support.
Quote from: piero33 on March 18, 2019, 09:37:14 PM
She blames me for giving her Ritalin starting in Kindergarten for her ADHD, but she would not have made it through school without it.
I bet it's tough to hear her bring up the ancient past, things you can't change...we make decisions based on wanting what's best for our children, right?
The way we are learning to get through this is to take very good care of ourselves and you've made an important step by joining and posting here. We are all learning together, supporting each other.
A good place to start is with the thread pinned to the top of this board,
HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE
. It's got many of our best articles all in one place.
From what you've written, it seems like your current challenge is responding to her accusations, blame, have I got that right? It might help us to know how you are currently responding and how that's worked. If you care to share some more, we are listening
Again, Welcome!
~ OH
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"It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved."
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Miserable Mom
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
«
Reply #2 on:
March 20, 2019, 02:37:28 PM »
Hi I’m new here and relate to everything you are going through here. I am the targeted individual, worst mother ever, reminded that she hates me everyday. First hospitilazation recently she made false allegations of abuse so now a DcFS investigation to add to the living hell. Overwhelmed is an understatement. My oldest two children are grown happy functioning adults with higher education and stable lives. Youngest child is suffering a great deal from the chaos. False allegations and threats have affected him also. I have a hard time finding professionals that believe me. Thanks for sharing. God help us all.
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Mirsa
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
«
Reply #3 on:
March 23, 2019, 02:46:59 PM »
Hi MM,
I just finished listening to an audioseries by Brene Brown, The Power of Vunerability. She is a shame researcher and writes definitions for concepts such as empathy, compassion, shame, blame, etc. She defines blame as "the discharging of pain and discomfort" and that is all it is. It is an effort for the blamer to shift pain away from herself, onto you. It never works, she's still in pain, but now you are too. She also says that blame, shame, criticism and judgement are types of relationship betrayals, and that betrayals are extremely traumatizing. This resonates for me as well.
My BPD DD loves to blame me and play the victim. Being family, she knows my shame triggers. Being called a bad mother is a huge shame trigger for me, and thus she uses it as a weapon. In a text this week she claimed that bc I didn't tell her enough that I love and miss her, she no longer believes it, and so she can't have a relationship with me. (oh the unceasing drama of being her! the poor poor victimized darling) The blame = it's MY fault somehow that she can no longer have a mother (cue the crocodile tears).
Let's be honest...no human being is ever good enough for the BPD or can meet her exacting standards. She's never had a friend for longer than six months and she's treating me no differently than she treats every other human she's ever had the misfortune to meet. In truth, SHE is the common denominator. And like you, I have other happy, well-adjusted children who show me that I have indeed been a decent parent.
I try to put up a blame-defecting shield when she throws her BS in my direction by reminding myself that she is just trying to 'discharge pain and discomfort' and it actually has nothing to do with me.
I listened to a different speaker at work yesterday, who works with troubled youths and incarcerated young adults, and he says that he tells young adults over the age of 18 to "divorce their childhoods." He says spending time blaming parents, childhood events, or whatever for how their lives are going now is fruitless. It's time for our adult children to grow up and accept responsibility for who they are choosing to be in the present day. Blame is childish and is simply a mechanism and excuse for not moving forward in their own lives. Don't let it capture you too!
Hugs to you,
Mirsa
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stampingt1
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
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Reply #4 on:
March 24, 2019, 01:38:17 AM »
Hi piero33,
I'm new here, too. Our only child son 18 was recently diagnosed w/ BPD. It took forever to get this diagnosis due to other medical issues & mental health providers being overstaffed. Plus jumping thru hoops for our insurance.
This is definitely a roller coaster ride! We are trying to get him the help that he needs & also graduate high school. Unfortunately, not sure that we can accomplish both at the same time. Mostly I try to stay out of our son's way, so I don't trigger an outburst. Of course those only happen at home, so others just think we are making it up. My parents think that I'm the problem, which is that I can't get along w/ my own child & making life difficult for him. Finally had to tell my mom that she doesn't have any clue about what our life is like.
Our son had a good childhood & has always been a good student. I'm a Christian, too & pray every night for the nightmare to be over. Unfortunately, God answers prayers on his time table & not ours. Good luck on your journey. Hugs!
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Gorges
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
«
Reply #5 on:
March 25, 2019, 07:40:32 PM »
Ironically, this weekend I told my daughter that I am getting off her roller coaster ride. Luckily, my husband was (finally) in agreement. She will have to move out in 2 months because she dropped out of college. It is a bit painful in that things seemed like they were headed in the right direction, but the drama started again. It feels a bit weird to not contact her, but I think this is best to not give her drama any energy.
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Mirsa
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
«
Reply #6 on:
March 25, 2019, 07:51:05 PM »
Good for you Georges! You may be giving her the very thing she needs to move forward... a little tough love (which is definitely still love) and a dose of reality. Enjoy the peace and serenity of your home...you deserve it!
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stampingt1
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
«
Reply #7 on:
March 26, 2019, 03:07:44 AM »
MM,
So sorry that your daughter drug DCFS into the picture. Hopefully things will go smoothly & they will see the report for what it really is.
ST1
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livednlearned
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
«
Reply #8 on:
March 26, 2019, 12:09:36 PM »
I think it's Shari Manning who talks about BPD sufferers as losing the genetic lottery. Your D maybe is more genetically vulnerable to emotional dysregulation so even though she had the same childhood she lacked the skills to regulate intense emotions.
Being emotionally dysregulated is hard to be around, so she sensed rejection and the cycle continued.
I'm so sad to hear she's doing drugs, that only complicates matters. What happens next now that she's been diagnosed with schizophrenia? Does she agree that's what she's suffering from?
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Breathe.
Miserable Mom
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
«
Reply #9 on:
March 30, 2019, 02:06:39 PM »
Thanks to all for your support. Stampingt1 and Mirsa, I'm not sure how to directly reply to your responses. I am learning to put that protective barrier around me and ignore the constant targeting from my daughter and walk away. She is now crazy making with new therapist and has him bamboozeled with more false allegations. The search for a therapist specialized in BPD traits continues. She reports insanity to therapist and therapist believes her and questions me, actually more like an accusation. He sure didn't last long! It never ceases to amaze me how many professionals she is able to draw in and manipulate. I am researching for residential placement as I await the dreaded next storm to arrive. I am working on self-care and getting my own anxiety and stress under control, diligently researching and finding the only support available in other parents. Thank you all.
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Mr. Dake
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
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Reply #10 on:
March 31, 2019, 05:01:57 AM »
Hi Piero33,
I'm also a Christian. Our adopted daughter is 16 and has been a challenge for as long as we can remember. Our older two children are happy and successful young adults, so we have had success in raising children! Our 16-year old daughter has been my greatest teacher; out of necessity. My wife and I struggle. At times, we ask God why He thought that we could do this. We return to again and again that we are called to be her parents. It's been so hard for me to love her unconditionally feeling that the relationship is one-sided. Whenever we are in disagreement, and it takes very little to set her off, it feels as though she hates me. It's her projecting on to me, but her words hurt just as much. The experience of being her father has broken me to relying upon God more than any other. One day I felt God directing me to love her unconditionally as I'm loved unconditionally. As a pastor, it's a humbling experience to have to work so hard to continually love my daughter.
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is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to
learn the skills
to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Mirsa
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
«
Reply #11 on:
March 31, 2019, 07:21:58 AM »
Hi Piero,
Any update? How are things going for you all this week?
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FaithHopeLove
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
«
Reply #12 on:
March 31, 2019, 08:09:17 AM »
Excerpt from Piero:
The experience of being her father has broken me to relying upon God more than any other. One day I felt God directing me to love her unconditionally as I'm loved unconditionally. As a pastor, it's a humbling experience to have to work so hard to continually love my daughter.
I can totally relate. I am also a Christian pastor and I have to say that learning to love my son the way he needs to be loved breaks and remolds me constantly. Yet I feel an intimacy with our Creator that I never felt before. There is power in this weakness.
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piero33
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
«
Reply #13 on:
April 02, 2019, 08:50:49 PM »
Thank you all for your replies and support! It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this. Mirsa, things have gotten a little bit better...for now. My daughter has started a job again, and she has found a therapist here who knows DBT, which is supposed to be helpful for BPD, so I'm hopeful!
FaithHopeLove, it is hard to love them unconditionally when their behavior is so...unlovable! But you're right, God loves us unconditionally, and that's how we should love our kids, even when they make it hard for us to do so!
Livenlearned, they removed the diagnosis of "schizophrenia" the day they released her from the mental hospital. Doing so made my insurance company decide not to cover that day since it wasn't considered "medically necessary," so that's been another fun thing to deal with in this nightmare. I'm appealing their decision, so hopefully it will be covered. Anyway, the combination of drugs she took can cause a person to have a psychotic episode, so that's why they initially diagnosed her with that. I'm thankful that she doesn't have schizophrenia and "only" has BPD! (never thought I'd be thankful she just has BPD!)
Stampingt1, I completely understand just wanting to stay out of your son's way! I did that a lot when my daughter still lived at home. It was just easier that way. I'm sorry you are going through this too. You are right, God's timetable is often different from our own. But I try to remember that God can turn our mess into a message, so that's one of the things I pray for. I pray that my daughter will one day be able to use the "mess" she has been through as a message to to help others, and that I'll be able to help other parents who are dealing with this awful mental illness too!
MiserableMom, hang in there! I completely empathize with what you're dealing with! Since my daughter has gotten out of the mental hospital and is talking to me again, she has told me, in a text, that she has a hard time dealing with the guilt she feels about the things she has said to me and the way she has treated me. They know they can take out all their hate and anger on us because we will always be here for them...we're their safe place. I think they think we can handle it, but I have let her know that it has been very hard on me not only emotionally and mentally, but also physically. I didn't tell her this to make her feel guilty, but to try to help her see that I am a person with feelings too and that I have my own struggles. Just know that your daughter does love you, she just doesn't know how to show it right now, but she will one day!
Thank you all again for your love and support! I will pray for each of you and your BPD child daily! God bless!
Piero33
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stampingt1
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Re: The Roller Coaster Ride of Having a Borderline Daughter
«
Reply #14 on:
April 03, 2019, 01:35:47 AM »
Piero33,
Glad to hear that things are a bit better...since she found a job & a DBT therapist!
I recommend reading " stop walking on eggshells" by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger. I'm reading it now & about half way thru the book.
Stampingt1
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