Grieving the life I hoped she would have

[angelpopsmom]

New member...Hoping for some help so I can help my daughter and our family.  Depressed and jealous of all the posts i see of others daughters graduating and going to prom.  I never even thought in my worst nightmares this would be my family or that it was possible.  We are on 0 days without a drama filled night.  My husband and I need rest.  My eyes are tired of crying and my heart hurts 24/7

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Miserable Mom]

Dear angelpopsmom, first, welcome to the BPD family. I am new in the last few weeks, daughter 16 BPD behaviors. Her first inpatient a few weeks ago and false allegations of abuse resulted in DCFS investigation. It is impossible to function well without rest and the trauma/stress/anxiety was consuming me. I knew I had to change something or I was going to crash and burn. Daughter brought up Prom just the other day and I refused to be sad or guilty about her not going. Consequences. In the last year I have accepted that college is not in her near future. So I focused on graduation goal, which I then accepted GED. The daily stress has to end. Today, I accept that her safety/care and my safety/well being are primary concerns and that she may leave the home at 18 without her GED or finishing vocational. In the past I have not put her in PHP/IOP to keep her in Cosmetology school. I've done all I can to keep her in her life, in school and nothing has changed. There is a treasure of information and support here. Get some rest!

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello AngelPopsMom, I join Miserable Mom in welcoming you to the group. You have come to the right place for support and understanding. We get it. We know what it is like to grieve over the loss of the life we hoped our children would live. It is hard seeing other people celebrate "normal" victories in their children's lives knowing success is going to mean something very different for ours. My 24 year old son was diagnosed with BPD last year when he was admitted to the hospital for self harm. This was not the life my husband and I wanted for him either. But I do have good news for you. Things CAN IMPROVE. Once I fully accepted my son for who he is and not who I wished he was our relationship improved a lot and I became more at peace with myself. The information on this website, along with the peer support in this group, has really helped me. I hope you will stick around and share more with us so we know how best to help. I take it your daughter is in High School right? Has she been diagnosed with BPD? What is the biggest challenge she is facing now?

[StressedOutDaily]

Welcome AngelPopsMom,
This is a wonderful place with supportive people who get it.  This is a place where you can share without fear of being judged, we all can relate.   I have a 16yo D who has been diagnosed with BPD.  She also has ADHD, anxiety and ODD... I can relate to the drama ... it is never ending, exhausting, heartbreaking.   <<Hugs>>   

[Mirsa]

Hi Angelpopsmom,

Welcome!  This is a great place to vent, learn, and get support.  Ironically, one of my early posts here is titled:  Grieving the daughter I'll never have.  There is definitely a grief process around accepting who our children really are, as opposed to who we hoped they could become.  It is very, very difficult to watch them self-immolate in so many ways. 

I'm in a bit of a different spot here in that after 17+ years of just about single-handedly raising and managing my difficult daughter, getting her treatment, meds, care, support, extra help at school, and saving her life several times...she abandoned my home and our relationship so that she could live with her father, who permitted her to have a sexual relationship in his home with her new 21yo boyfriend (which I refused to allow).  So, she 'split' on me and moved out.  Her father was motivated to permit this as I had very recently won child support in family court; so he had a strong financial incentive to allow her to get her way. 

On a positive note, her moving out was a huge blessing in disguise.  I came to these boards to process what had happened, share my grief, and then celebrate my newfound peace and freedom.  It is absolutely amazing the change in my life without her daily drama, chaos, and demands for attention.  Such an immense relief.  She has gone 'no contact' with me, as I haven't groveled for a relationship with her (she's a narcissist, no doubt about it).  And, while it's sad in some ways, it's just so incredibly, wonderfully a relief in others (can you tell I'm still a little giddy with this newfound freedom?)!  I had no idea how much she was impacting my mental health, happiness, and overall quality of life.  Now that I have a normal life again, it's just so wonderful. 

This distance from the intensity of living with and managing a full-blown BPD has given me a new perspective of things, more clarity.  I think you'll find people here struggling to get through the day, and others like me, processing grief and celebrating the positives of life as we are determined to be happy.  I hope you find respite here, as myself and so many others have.

Mirsa

[smallbluething]

 Welcome angelpopsmom

I think you will find a lot of helpful resources here to help you at least improve a little your relationship with your daughter, and most of all a community of people who understand what you're going through.

I too have a great sense of grieving for the future my daughter might have had just as you titled your post. Through the resources here and in the 'The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder..' I have started to improve my interactions with my daughter a little - using validation and SET-(UP). I'm better at talking her down from a rage and a little better at communicating with her. There is a lot of valuable info here - the 3min video on ending conflict is a good place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[stampingt1]

Welcome Angelpopsmom,

We are in the same boat...DS 18 BPD. Desperately trying get to graduate w/ is classmates in June. Thinking that's not going to happen now. It's heartbreaking. He has always been on the honor roll & is a high functioning BPD, so only hubby & myself truly see "Jekyll & Hyde". I, too, never thought we would be on this hellish path.

 

[Horace]

Welcome to the club no one ever wanted to join!  But which I have found supportive just in reading other people’s stories and knowing I’m not alone!
My BPD DD is 15. With new medication and a change of schools we’ve had a really nice 3 months. Felt a bit like what I thought family life would be. She’s had a few friends, been to peoples houses after school, met up at the mall or for dinner and a movie.  I sit on the precipice waiting for the crash...
Last night she told me she’s fallen out with everyone ( probably all too close now and also, it’s coming up the two week Easter break in the UK, and we’ve just had contact with her BPD birth mother via postbox letter).

She didn’t want to go to school , wants to home school and drop out, it’s always other people’s faults..not hers.  She will take meds...but won’t engage in any therapy.  
Best advice I’ve read...
“I didn’t cause this, I can’t control this, I can only control my actions and reactions! “
Welcome to the rollercoaster!

[Miserable Mom]

Horace "I sit on the precipice waiting for the crash..." I am sitting right there with you! I took a step back to reflect on my own anxiety, fear, trauma and let go of some of it in the last few weeks. I must give her the freedom to succeed despite the crash that may ensue, with safety plan in place. For my daughter, the incentive of a cell phone is now on the horizon. Strong motivator for compliance. Spyware to hold her accountable and a new privilege that can then be restricted as a consequence if need be. It changes the dynamic of "mom won't let me have my phone" to "I earned my phone back by hard work" "I can lose my phone by my behaviors" Hang in there