Radically Different Life

[appen]

Hi everyone,

This is the second time I am posting and I just need to get some things off of my chest. Since finding out my mother likely has BPD and doesn't know how to deal with healthy boundaries, I have made it a priority in my life. I have noticed that A LOT of the people in my life has issues with boundaries as well (maybe those are the kinds of people I attracted before).

Anyway, I am now noticing that very few friends have made it past my new requirements for friendship. Am I the only one who has noticed this or is this fairly common? Love to hear everyone and their stories!

[No-One]

Hi everyone,
Since finding out my mother likely has BPD and doesn't know how to deal with healthy boundaries, I have made it a priority in my life. I have noticed that A LOT of the people in my life has issues with boundaries as well (maybe those are the kinds of people I attracted before).  Anyway, I am now noticing that very few friends have made it past my new requirements for friendship.

Hi appen:

Good to hear that you have made great progress with setting boundaries! I think there can be different levels of friendship. Good friendships are mutually enjoyable and beneficial.  I think some people are more in the "acquaintance" category.  Those who are more of a "taker" than a "giver" are more apt to disappear.

I think those who have been rescuers in their past and/or are recovering from "the disease to please"  can lose more friendships, when they set healthy boundaries. 

Can you share what some of your new personal requirements for friendship are?

[Harri]

Hi appen!  I can relate.   I do not have any close friends anymore form long ago.  I made friends with them and forged bonds that are no longer healthy and not what I want in my life.

I think what No-One says about different levels of friendship is right on the money.  It took me a while to figure that out, to not be so black and white in thinking friend/not friend.  I don't know if that applies to you but it was hard for me to realize that and as I worked on self-differentiation (still working on it!) and establishing good boundaries for myself, things got clearer. 

I too am curious about your ideas of friendship.   

[appen]

Those who are more of a "taker" than a "giver" are more apt to disappear.

I think those who have been rescuers in their past and/or are recovering from "the disease to please"  can lose more friendships, when they set healthy boundaries. 

Can you share what some of your new personal requirements for friendship are?

Thanks for the response! I feel like I have had a large number of takers as friends in my past. I have always seemed to take the role as someone who will support or comfort as if parenting.

Recently, I have made it a priority to not pretend I am okay with certain behavior. I have started discussing more openly when I am unhappy with behavior, which is really big for me. More specifically, I have stopped putting time into people who do not put time into me as well, and I have noticed once they notice I am no longer putting time into them they freak out.

I can go into more detail if you would like. Overall, I feel like I am trying to find my way into healthier boundaries and relationships while trying not to have a black and white view I was raised with (BPD mother).

[appen]

Hi appen!  I can relate.   I do not have any close friends anymore form long ago.  I made friends with them and forged bonds that are no longer healthy and not what I want in my life.

That makes me feel helpful. I think I am experiencing growing pains finding this new found sense of independence and boundaries.

I too am curious about your ideas of friendship.   

I think there are some basic traits I want out of a true friendship including: mutual respect and an ability to listen to one another and I mean listen and empathize.

The people I considered friends before were shifting into more of an acquaintance role, but freaked out and started telling me they were worried about me and that I have entirely changed.
It actually reminded me of my family and some of the traits that I have a hard time resisting, but have finally started to get away from after a lot of time in therapy.

[Harri]

It actually reminded me of my family and some of the traits that I have a hard time resisting, but have finally started to get away from after a lot of time in therapy.

Good for you for working through that.  It is true that you changed so they were right there.  The thing is, a friendship may not last through the changes as we grow or heal and that is okay too. 

Good for you recognizing it and not trying to please them.  Growing apart happens.