He cut off contact, I replied with anger

Hi!
Here is my story: I've met a great guy about 9 months ago. We started talking and texting everyday. We soon started dating, we kissed on our second date and after that we became very close. We still texted every day, we went on dates and I felt very save and secure with him. I felt free enough to tell him about some trauma's I dealt with and he helped me and was very supportive. After about 3 months, we started sleeping together. I then asked him if he wanted a relationship and he told me that he has issues with relationships.

His mother passed away about 4 years ago and he then experienced some mental health issues, which is completely legit after something so horrible. He broke up with his girlfriend (he had a relationship for 5 years with her) and ofcourse he went to a tough time. He then started dating another girl and the only thing he told me about their relationship is that he broke up with her and then took her back 3 times in one month. After that, he went living with his father. About the time he moved back to his own apartment, I met him. He told me that he has days that he feels extremely depressed and days he feels extremely happy. We didn't talked a lot about his problems but they popped up every now and then.

He started to get a bit more distant then he was at the beginning. There were less compliments and he didn't made a lot of time for me, told me he was bussy with his study, work and everything. Then he became mad whenever I was bussy. We had fights about those things and we did not talk about stuff enough. I was not good in confrontations and did not liked to talk about stuff, that was and is not a healthy trait. Then, an amazing time came. We went out a lot, we had amazing sex and saw each other way more often then before. We also met each others friends and he met my parents. He then started therapy. They told him he has a lot of elements from BPD. We did not talked a lot about that either because he didn't liked talking about it. I am really sorry about that because I don't know if we would have been still together if we talked more about it. We then had one bigger fight where I was honest to him, that there were things that I didn't like about our relationship but I also told him that I didn't want to break up because that would make me way more sad. He invited me to come over that Sunday, we texted over the weekend and he did not say anything about a break up. He was super sweet and we even talked about the future.

That Sunday, I was at his place and he said he wanted to end things between us. I started crying, he did too. He was very sweet. He hugged me, kissed me, told me he loved me and that it would break his heart to see me with another guy. That he wishes me happiness. I myself have some problems too and I started to have a panic attack. I fainted because I had a lack of air, when I woke up, his landlord was there and asked if he had to call an ambulance. We told him not to and he went away. I was super tired and begged my ask to stay over but he refused. He called my best friend (he works with her) because I was still panicky. Then I called my dad to pick me up.

I had another panic attack when I got home and I took 12 sleeping pills.

I did not want to kill myself, I had more of those pills at home and did not take them even though I could have. I just wanted to sleep, or more, not be awake. I realized what I did after a few minutes and got scared that I would die. I texted him and he called his doctor to ask him what to do. He told me to puke and stay awake to make sure that I would not get in a coma. I stayed awake. I asked my ex if we could still talk, and he replied with 'sure' .

What I did not know was that he was talking with my best friend at the same time. He told me that I deserve better than him, someone who can love me unconditionally. That I was a great girl and I deserve everything in the world. That he really tried but he could not do it. That he had to keep his distance even though it would be difficult.

We chatted later that night and we told each other to delete each other numbers and that we wished each other luck. I did delete his number but I found it so difficult to not text him, just because he told me that I could the night before. I did not text him for 4 days. After that 4 days, he told me that he had an extremely difficult time. He said that he was more 'surviving' than 'living' and that 14 February was extremely difficult. I told him about the doctor thinking I've had ovarian cyst or an early miscarriage, what couldn't be tested anymore because it was too long ago. He did not believed me, which was hard because I was really upset about the idea of having a miscarriage from him. We then texted even more, about our relationship and I texted him too much. He cut off contact, I replied with anger and sadness. I have ADHD and can have those kind of outbursts without thinking about them.

We then did not text for 6 days. He went on a trip. After that, we texted and decided to be social media friends again. He was sweet and kind to me. I then said sorry, a lot of times, I talked about our relationship a lot and told him that I thought he was scared of being leaved and I would not leave. I told him that I would be there for him if he wanted. That I did not blame him for anything and that I wanted him to get better and be happy. That he learned me a lot of great lessons and that I've had many of great experiences with him too, even though he thinks he was not good enough for me. I told him he was more than enough. That I missed him and was having a hard time. He did replied to all of that, he told me that it was really sweet to say that and that he just hoped I would get happier in time. I found out that he was already on tinder, but he told me that a friend of him made that and the wasn't using it and it was for a confidence boost.

Then, one night, I went to a party with a friend and got really drunk. I missed him even more than normal and texted him, even though I was not planning on texting him. He was drunk too. I was in bed at home, alone and was lonely. I told him I missed having sex with him. We then started sexting and we even did send nudes. In the middle of the conversation, he said this was not right. I said, okay and wanted to talk about other stuff. He then started to talk about sex again. I went along with it. He ended it by saying that he would regret it in the morning, that it was not right but that it did made him feel things. Even made him horny.

I got drunk again, the next day. I said to him: we are heavy, together. There is a reason we talked like we did yesterday, we are still attracted to each other. There is too much passion between us. He then texted me that he wanted to cut off contact again, for his own good. To give himself space, protect himself, take away the seduction of texting me for him and for me. To get some rest. He then blocked me on Facebook, Instagram and whatsapp. He unfriended me on snapchat. I doubted to send him a letter, but could not find the right words. There was a terrorist attack in the city where he studies and where his family lived, the next day. I got extremely worried and panicked again. I called and texted him a few times and got even more worried when he did not reply. I also said I wanted to have one good talk to get some closure and then get some rest. He did not answered to this either. Then I sent him one last text, that him not answering was a sign and that I hoped he was okay and that I was sorry for texting him.

The next day, my best friend told me that he asked her if I was okay. And that he hoped he did not gave me too much hope with the sexting thing and that he was kind of tired from everything. I then called him, one last time and said that I've he wanted to tell me things, he had to tell them to me and not to other people. I sounded very emotional because I was. He did not say a thing but hung op the phone. I then texted him that I was sorry for that, again. I think he blocked my number, but I am not sure. I wanted to call him to say sorry but I got his voicemail. I then stopped contacting him. My best friend and I are writing a play together and made an Instagram page for it. He even blocked that one. He also blocked one of my other friends that texted him about me. He did not block me from his poetry Instagram page. He only unfollowed me. I saw him from afar one time this week. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I had a friend over today who told me one of her classmates found him on tinder and even talked with him. She even knew where he lived. That was around the time we were still talking and he told me he was not using the app and would not touch a girl from tinder the way he touched me and that he understood that I was hurt.

We did not have contact after all of that. I am so miserable. I am scared. I miss him like hell. He feels like home, we had amazing sex and I felt a really big connection. I know I can be happy without him but I felt so happy when I was with him. I want that back, even the hard times. I know that it is going to be hard, that it won't be a normal relationship and I am willing to learn more about what is going on in his head, help him and to work on the faults I made while I was in our relationship.

Does anybody know what I can do best now?

I was planning on maybe sending him a postcard in about a month, telling him I am sorry for getting mad and stuff and that I hope he is doing well. I don't know what will happen after that or if he will contact me first. Is this a good idea? Or should I wait until he texts me?



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