I’m curious, what is it like to live with DID

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335168.0

Hi, Sunfl0wer. Thanks for the info and for being open about yourself. I appreciate how you’ve described PTSD. I watched a Ted Talk a while back, can’t remember who the presenter was, but he described complex trauma having it’s own folders, kind of like a Windows format, within the body. You’re the first person I’ve heard describe it in this way since watching that video. From what I’ve learned thus far, it makes sense. It feels accurate. My reactions were very uncontrollable until I really started learning about myself. It’s becoming easier now because I’m able to recognize when I’m triggered and why. I’m able to tell myself what is happening and why, and I’m getting better at immediately coping with the feelings instead of reacting to them. I’m far from being good at it, but I’m aware. It sucks, but I feel pretty good about being able to know what’s going on.

You have DID and I have C-PTSD. Dissociation is a common term amongst peers that are dealing with trauma. There is also an overlap with BPD and C-PTSD. There are strong arguments being made amongst the psychiatric community that suggest that all of these disorders (labels) are simply subsets of one common denominator. Trauma. I’m very interested, even hopeful, to see where this goes. I think that this way of thinking can remove a lot of the stigma that is associated with all of the labels. There are a lot of people hurting in this world, and hurt people, hurt people. It’s a cyclical issue that really needs attention. It’s close to truly being recognized. Maybe not in our lifetime, but hopefully in our children’s.

I’m curious, what is it like to live with DID? I will gladly share my experience of living with C-PTSD if you’re interested in comparing notes.

[JNChell]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335168.0

Hi, Sunfl0wer. Thanks for the info and for being open about yourself. I appreciate how you’ve described PTSD. I watched a Ted Talk a while back, can’t remember who the presenter was, but he described complex trauma having it’s own folders, kind of like a Windows format, within the body. You’re the first person I’ve heard describe it in this way since watching that video. From what I’ve learned thus far, it makes sense. It feels accurate. My reactions were very uncontrollable until I really started learning about myself. It’s becoming easier now because I’m able to recognize when I’m triggered and why. I’m able to tell myself what is happening and why, and I’m getting better at immediately coping with the feelings instead of reacting to them. I’m far from being good at it, but I’m aware. It sucks, but I feel pretty good about being able to know what’s going on.

You have DID and I have C-PTSD. Dissociation is a common term amongst peers that are dealing with trauma. There is also an overlap with BPD and C-PTSD. There are strong arguments being made amongst the psychiatric community that suggest that all of these disorders (labels) are simply subsets of one common denominator. Trauma. I’m very interested, even hopeful, to see where this goes. I think that this way of thinking can remove a lot of the stigma that is associated with all of the labels. There are a lot of people hurting in this world, and hurt people, hurt people. It’s a cyclical issue that really needs attention. It’s close to truly being recognized. Maybe not in our lifetime, but hopefully in our children’s.

I’m curious, what is it like to live with DID? I will gladly share my experience of living with C-PTSD if you’re interested in comparing notes.

[Sunfl0wer]

I’m curious, what is it like to live with DID? I will gladly share my experience of living with C-PTSD if you’re interested in comparing notes.

I absolutely apreciate sharing minds, . As my own is healing and I am learning a way towards full integration sharing minds is becoming a fun pasttime within me.

Unfortunately when I was in a more fragmented state of my self discovery I (or Alters that are still a part of the whole that is me) earned ourselves limited access here and I cannot pm, understandably.

Anyways... I also am not trying to derail this thread so ask away however ya can, ...

I appreciate your response.  I think the link I added explained that there are varying “levels” of dissociation.  Some people fully dissociate and some partially dissociate.

I have heard many members swear that their partners really DO indeed forget stuff from an argument.  Sure they do if they are using an EP.  Sure they are “disowning” parts of their behavior / feelings and actions even when they are not lying... that is inherint in the varying levels one can dissociate.  

That is not to say that a person with BPD cannot and does not also lie to get a result they want. (Aka manipulate). Yet in my experience... my parts typically are not trying to “get one over on you.”  My personal trauma based reactions are for self protection NOT gain.  Yet I am not speaking for a community of DID, just my own selfs.

I have had a friend who has BPD and my mind got so mixed up being friends with her.  She was aware of my disorder and learning how to influence my “self states” and well... lets just say that I collectively caught on and terminated our friendship that she was forming with parts of me.

I have yet to meet someone with BPD that is acting purely out of self preservation. Yet maybe that is because their EP is so stuck in the abandonment trauma and maybe that is one way of splitting that superseeds all other possible EP?  So in a sense... even if all of their EP overcrowd their psyche with EP that have abandonment triggers, maybe that is BPD vs other ways of splitting a psyche?  Not sure if I articulated that well.  The diagram does shade the EP differently so maybe the EP gain more power in that model than the ANP? I am not sure and just tossing thoughts up.

It can be hard for me not to ramble especially when talking of topics many of my selfs are interested in.

I think the idea of folders is a decent one.  

I think we can all find a way to define our storage systems in our mind with enough insight maybe.

For me I have felt like my level of general dissociation of seperation of my Parts is more like an office with cubicals.  While I am sitting at my Work desk and focused on work I can very much do so to the exclusion of all else and even forget I have a child or friends.  Yet as soon as I get up from my metaphorical desk and I rise to my feet I can see the world that I exist in within my mind... I can peek my eyes above cubicals to some degree maybe notice which ones are empty, have someone in them or not... and some are farther away and I can’t tell.  Maybe I can hear rustling activity the closest ten.  Maybe I can smell the coffee in the ones adjacent to me.

Some folks with DID or OSDD maybe do not have cubicles.  Maybe they have a house or office that has office spaces with taller cubical walls, or walls that reach the celing, or maybe the spaces between Parts of the self are each in their own room with little awareness of there being others even in the same building.  I mean, it can happen in so many ways.

If you think of a file folder... that single folder can be stored many ways... maybein the locked cabinet by the desk... or on a shelf out free not in a draw because you need easier access to it ya know?

I do also feel that categorizing the BPD under an umbrella of dissociation can maybe take some of the reactivity out of discussing it because we have a model to work with.  Otherwise it is easy to emotionally entangle ourselfs in having an impact on irrational thought processes.

To be honest, maybe I have narc tendencies,  but I feel full integration is possible for me and I have been in intense excellent trauma therapy for about 3 years now and I feel I am halfway there which for my level of fragmentation is significantly positive. ...yet the part I have never ask my therapist is what is the prognosis for someone with BPD.  From my view they seem to be missing so much of the motivation for self regulation that I wonder if that messes up their whole thing.

Now... c-PTSD is what I thought I had for years and I can now sense the similarities and why I was confused.  If you kinda break me into a smaller part... my Parts also have DID... (like I had DID/OSDD as a 7 year old... so not only do I have a 7 part but she also has her own Parts...it gets confusing. Please know I am not speaking of “all DID/OSDD” just me and I suspect I am a bit more frag than even they generally are in my DID community, but hard to say.) so I can find a part who does experience themself as having c-PTSD and well...  I cannot tell you the difference between that and DID/OSDD except maybe... If you took c-PTSD and thought of it as an office building with a pretty well organized one manned front desk and just three cubicals of compartmentalized trauma storage.  Well maybe DID/OSDD is like that same office having three more floors exactly like the other one and they function independently of the others.  I am not saying that they are managing in the outside world more efficiently... imagine they are managing the same stuff actually... but they had to rent the extra floors to get the same stuff accomplished.  Maybe it feels like that.

[JNChell]

Ok. Thank you for engaging. That was a lot to take in, but very interesting. I’m intrigued. If I read correctly, your identities also have their own sub-type identities? I’m trying to get on the same page with you. Please forgive if I’m not understanding correctly. Thinking about this deeper, do your different identities have different relationships with the same person? Sorry, this is intriguing and I have a couple of itching questions.

I’m happy to know that you’ve found a trauma specialist that is a good fit for you. Makes a lot of difference, doesn’t it? You mentioned narcissism. It’s good to have a healthy level of it. I think a good reality check is to ask ourselves from time to time what we can be doing better and answer ourselves honestly.

Ok, time to test myself on what you’ve educated me on. You are presented with one issue. Identity A processes it with X. Identity B processes it with Y. Identity C processes it with Z. Am I close? Three floors processing the same issue in a different way?

[Sunfl0wer]

Ok. Thank you for engaging. That was a lot to take in, but very interesting. I’m intrigued. If I read correctly, your identities also have their own sub-type identities? I’m trying to get on the same page with you. Please forgive if I’m not understanding correctly. Thinking about this deeper, do your different identities have different relationships with the same person? Sorry, this is intriguing and I have a couple of itching questions.

I’m happy to know that you’ve found a trauma specialist that is a good fit for you. Makes a lot of difference, doesn’t it? You mentioned narcissism. It’s good to have a healthy level of it. I think a good reality check is to ask ourselves from time to time what we can be doing better and answer ourselves honestly.

Ok, time to test myself on what you’ve educated me on. You are presented with one issue. Identity A processes it with X. Identity B processes it with Y. Identity C processes it with Z. Am I close? Three floors processing the same issue in a different way?

Yes! I think you are on to me!

In regards to subtypes... yes... this is very hard for me to speak of.  No apologies ever needed.  I believe curiosity is a very good thing as it is our most curious part that has been leading us all into our fullest healing of our existences.  Curiosity is a most wonderful thing for everyone to also have!

It is hard because awareness of me personally having more sub levels of dissociation triggers great shame.  I speak of curiosity because that counters my own shame.  It is ok tho.  We use a manual to cope with all things dissociative and shame is a chapter I expect to revisit lots in my journey.  (You may be able to gather where my Logical part shifted in this paragraph to save us all from the unbearable shame.  We use parts as a way to self regulate.  Everyone can do this.)

I am not aware if all persons with DID/OSDD also have subtype fragmentation happening... or if it is me.  I realize I am somewhat if a severe case.

Thinking about this deeper, do your different identities have different relationships with the same person?

Absolutely!

For example when my friend C behaves child like it provokes my Mom to shift forward to behave kind and nurturing.  Then when I loose patience with him and find my selfs stating the same stuff and him making the same mistakes in life an onary teen surfaces to be harsher and beats the ideas over his head, but the mom part knows him and moderates her behavior so she is not unduly harsh.  

When I have been in a relationship with my pwBPD/NPD traits... and he presented me with black/white thinking it was very destabilizing to my selfs.  (All external persons reading this have “self states” so just relating to what I say does not mean you also have a severe dissociative disorder by the way) anyways... if my partner presented me his own cognitive distortions it is very destabilizing to my own sense of identity since I currently base my identity  (identity for me meaning my arrangement of Parts at any given time) to who is in my awareness both inside of me and outside of me.

(When I am aware of a child part nearby Mom moves forward and as a whole, we curse less or not at all.  Same goes for external real life kids.  My general System values are interchangable for my inner and outer world interactions... even if we indidvidually disagree inside, we follow the same general moral codes best we can and more so with greater internal awareness.)

In therapy I am learning to have a sense of identity to stand on regardless of external influences.  
Maybe you can imagine why that would be helpful.

Integration means expanding my awareness and reconnecting with parts of myself and allowing them to find ways to communicate so the information between them becomes as seamless as an old couple that can finish one anothers sentences... until they are actually indistinguishable and maybe even One.

Ok, time to test myself on what you’ve educated me on. You are presented with one issue. Identity A processes it with X. Identity B processes it with Y. Identity C processes it with Z. Am I close? Three floors processing the same issue in a different way?

Exactly!   (my youngin Part loves being seen)

Thank you for helping me!

Having a language for me to be able to accurately define my inner experiences helps me to bridge my gaps of understandings and expands my inner integration abilities to the external world.

Thank you for reaching me!
I always hope my words/thoughts/understandings are equally meaningful when possible.
(I don’t always get it right but hey, I’m a work in progress right? Who isn’t? My literal side answers: you’d be surprised how much of society is NOT.  Lol... thank you JNChell!  )

[JNChell]

Great! We’re on the same page. Where’s the golf clap emoji? Can we move forward without a golf clap? Ok, I’m done.

You know, you just taught me something else and caused me to dig deeper. Curiosity. I’ve never looked at it from that angle, and I’m a very curious person. This makes perfect sense. If we weren’t curious, we might likely still be in the dark about all of this. This makes me wonder how closely curiosity and awareness are connected. Maybe they trigger each other at random levels of consciousness.

I’m sorry that what you’re dealing with causes you to feel shame. I experience the same feelings. The thing is whether we believe that shame, or recognize it as a burden that was placed on us by others. You’re a good person. I know that because you participate in this community. Feelings don’t = facts. Unfortunately, some of us have kind of been molded by people that operate under this misconception. People that we relied on to turn us out as healthy people. They may have deprived us from a lot, but they didn’t get our wits.

I don’t know you, but I want to say that I’m very proud of you for overcoming and dealing with your situation. It sounds difficult, but you’re aware of everything and that means all the difference. 

I didn’t notice a shift. I read hard a few times, but I didn’t see it. I saw a flow. What did I miss?

I am not aware if all persons with DID/OSDD also have subtype fragmentation happening... or if it is me.  I realize I am somewhat if a severe case.

As we know, all the conditions discussed on this forum reside on spectrums. I’m high on the spectrum for C-PTSD. You’re high on the spectrum for DID. What’s important is that we’re aware of it and we’re putting the work in. I truly empathize with you. I believe that you and I have a pretty good prognosis. I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I know it was rough. The strength that I see on these boards is really something to behold. If I ever needed an army, I would first call my best friend, then I would come here. The people here have true grit.

Ok, I need to clarify something. Friend C is male? Again, forgive me if I’m wrong, but that’s what I got from reading.

When I have been in a relationship with my pwBPD/NPD traits... and he presented me with black/white thinking it was very destabilizing to my selfs.  (We all have “self states” so justrealting to what I say does not mean you have a severe dissociative disorder by the way) anyways... if my partner presented me his own cognitive distortions it is very destabilizing to myown sense of identity since I currently base my identity to who is in my awareness both inside of me and outside of me.

Sitting with what you’re describing, destabilizing sounds like a very forgiving word. When you’re feeling pain, do the A, B andC cycle more rapidly? Is it hard to find a place to settle into and process?

You’re welcome. Thank you for helping me in return. This has turned into a very meaningful exchange for me. Trauma is a real pain in the ass. Speaking with you has opened new doors. I appreciate you. Every one of you.  Hope that little joke was ok.

[Sunfl0wer]

Oh man...

Therapy was intense...

JNChell, I just spent so much time trying to write something cohesive and well...  NOT! Lol

Seems that is my signal that I need to go do self care ASAP!

I have a bunch of ideas on what I’d like to share tho so will definitely be back to this thread as soon as my recent relayering sets in.

Thank you for giving it its own place

[Sunfl0wer]

Great! We’re on the same page. Where’s the golf clap emoji? Can we move forward without a golf clap? Ok, I’m done.

You know, you just taught me something else and caused me to dig deeper. Curiosity. I’ve never looked at it from that angle, and I’m a very curious person. This makes perfect sense. If we weren’t curious, we might likely still be in the dark about all of this. This makes me wonder how closely curiosity and awareness are connected. Maybe they trigger each other at random levels of consciousness. …..

Thank you for your kind words JNChell

I didn’t notice a shift. I read hard a few times, but I didn’t see it. I saw a flow. What did I miss?

Oh, let me try it this way...

It is hard because awareness of me personally having more sub levels of dissociation triggers great shame.  I speak of curiosity because that counters my own shame.  It is ok tho.  We use a manual to cope with all things dissociative and shame is a chapter I expect to revisit lots in my journey.  (You may be able to gather where my Logical part shifted in this paragraph to save us all from the unbearable shame.  We use parts as a way to self regulate.  Everyone can do this.)

I appreciate you pointing out that it was undetectable.  I suppose I can be Self conscious and get to thinking that others can see my parts, when really only my T and kid can kind of see them sometimes.

Ok, I need to clarify something. Friend C is male? Again, forgive me if I’m wrong, but that’s what I got from reading.

  Correct 

When I have been in a relationship with my pwBPD/NPD traits... and he presented me with black/white thinking it was very destabilizing to my selfs.  (We all have “self states” so just realting to what I say does not mean you have a severe dissociative disorder by the way) anyways... if my partner presented me his own cognitive distortions it is very destabilizing to myown sense of identity since I currently base my identity to who is in my awareness both inside of me and outside of me.

Sitting with what you’re describing, destabilizing sounds like a very forgiving word.

  I found it fair.  From my (general/collective) perspective, there is nothing to forgive. 

Explain what you mean?

When you’re feeling pain, do the A, B andC cycle more rapidly? Is it hard to find a place to settle into and process?

So think the same way that you may have conflicting thoughts and ideas in your head as you sort through your pain.  I have conflicting thoughts as well.  The difference is some have limited access to others so I have to be very aware and work harder and intentionally at being sure I am not leaving any thoughts out.  The spaces between those thoughts may be farther away and have greater separations, therefore less able to exchange info without effort.  I am an odd one though because I have always had a way to have lots of co-consciousness.  I have not mapped everyone out yet so I do not know exactly which parts bridge lots of my conscious awareness yet or the details of that yet. 

Personally though, stress helps my Parts become their most cooperative.  When I am under extreme stress my brain has a way of connecting the most seamlessly and I get the most access to all thoughts without pauses.  Maybe I am used to the adrenaline surges for coping with trauma, idk… like an experienced surfer to ride a huge wave?  Or maybe they just seem to work better focused on the common goal of self preservation.

You’re welcome. Thank you for helping me in return. This has turned into a very meaningful exchange for me. Trauma is a real pain in the ass. Speaking with you has opened new doors. I appreciate you. Every one of you.  Hope that little joke was ok.

No worries… it’s all good.  Being in trauma therapy I have to take complete ownership of all of me no matter how much I may want to disown experiences of my Self(s).  In this community I am to Front as singular and I can do that ok... otherwise my participation would be disorienting to others I imagine.

So like a person may not have a dissociative disorder, but maybe it is a guy who won’t admit he cried over losing custody of his child and is coping via taking on an angry self state that is mostly interested in “setting the score straight” via court battles.  We all may have ways that we may be tempted to “disown” parts of our experiences/feelings (in this situation he is using anger to escape pain) to a degree in order to regulate or avoid experiencing our feelings.

Anyways…
Absolutely you’re welcome to ask anything that pops up, I appreciate it.
If anyone is interested the book my T and I use that is like the “handbook” for learning to cope with dissociation is “The Coping With Trauma and Related Dissociation” book.  It reads rather simple or basic sounding but there is a heck of a lot of stuff in it and it can be rather challenging to work on the “basic” concepts.  It addresses all levels of trauma related dissociation, including PTSD.

And I am in a numb mood today btw... but maybe it wasn't caught... idk... just saying that I am not meaning to sound so dry but emotions are kind of numb today as I have a food allergy that got me today.

[JNChell]

You bring a lot to the table, Sunflower. I’m blessed by that. Let me fish something out here, ok?

[JNChell]

Also, who am I talking to? I don’t want to offend anyone.

[JNChell]

JNChell, I just spent so much time trying to write something cohesive and well...  NOT! Lol

You typed something out, and it didn’t take. I F’ing hate that. I damn it when it happens. Sometimes loudly.   You know, I really appreciate what you’ve shared. I mean that. It’s a big deal. I wish that I could stay up and speak to what you’ve said. As it is, I have to try to sleep shortly.

[JNChell]

You use a manual. Is this we, or you?

[JNChell]

Sorry for the multiple comments. As I said, I’m intrigued.

[Sunfl0wer]

Also, who am I talking to? I don’t want to offend anyone.

Lol, it is ok.  The way I am organized is that I am “A System” of parts.  My therapist has likened my way of dissociation similar to a kelidescope or such.  So some people with DID have someone who is Front/aka “driver” of the actions of the body then maybe Parts that can “listen” and maybe some in the back seat and maybe a few in a trunk who know there is movement but don’t know what is going on.  That is just one way to describe varying levels of consciousness.

I personally am more like the kelidescope or what I prefer to call a layering of parts.  So when I read your words, whoever is close and relates will meld with my Front area and reply apparently as One.  I am at this site as “Sunfl0wer” so that is a cue to me on what Parts are familiar with being here so a certain group within me identify as Sunfl0wer and will automatically be near the surface.  (A seperate part manages typing vs thoughts and another monitors the body for hunger and such..and so on) 

Sometimes I can pick out who is reacting to something or such if it is triggering in some way I will feel the emotion of the part suddenly spike.  Yet, because they are many and mixed it is hard to distinguish. (I also continue to integrate in my therapy) I have so far identified at least four Mom Parts.  (I know there are more) My pure Mom part was created when I was a child and wanted to imagine what kind of mom I wanted for myself.  That was a way to cope with not having a mom. 

When my son was born, she evolved.  As he grew and was disabled, another mom was created to cope with his disability and learn that stuff to help him so info on attending his school meetings and such she holds that info.  The seperation of him having several moms helped me to have space from the reality of having a suffering child as I switched from different Mom Parts that were created for him. 

I was also a teacher for a short time in my life.  It is really hard for me to tell when a mom part and the teacher part have melding together.  Even harder to tell which mom it is as they have similar styles. 

A Part of me was a mom to my nieces but she doesn’t recognize our son so much as hers cause she kept his mom seperate as his needs were way different than the girls needs.  So we “toggled” between the Parts as I toggled between the kids.

Another young Part grew up alongside my son and played with him and thinks he is a protective older brother.

Anyways... I think what can be interesting for anyone dealing with trauma work... is reading up on Internal Family Systems Model.  https://www.selfleadership.org/outline-of-the-Internal-family-systems-model.html. This is relevant to everyone.  It is about beginning to work with your inner dialogues in a different way.  Really useful stuff.

There is a lot of inherint denial with a dissociative disorder of any kind and I personally did not want to relate to the darn manual so I felt more comfy staring with this stuff.

Something that I learned reading my “manual” , yea, that is what I call it.  Sometimes I call it the bible of DID/OSDD cause when I am desperate and don’t know what to cling to I can always find something that addresses what I am dealing with.  Oh... so what I learned last week was the chapter on emotional regulation, window of tolerance for regulating emotions.  It seems that switching self states, no matter what your spectrum of dissociation is... is a way to try to regulate emotions.  So you can use others to “relationally regulate” which we all do like posting here or such or calling a friend.  The other way to regulate emotions is “self regulate” which is listening inside of yourself and learning to identify what is happening, what you are experiencing, and figuring out how to address what is happening inside.  Learning the self regulation skills sounds simple, but imo, way harder in practice to cultivate this stuff... especially if we did not have attentive, responsive caregivers growing up to get the process of attunement started with us.

[Sunfl0wer]

You use a manual. Is this we, or you?

Lol, I could speak plurally and do at my DID website when it makes sense to or I will post there as different Parts, but not usually.  Other do tho.

Mostly though I do not.  Reason is that my ultimate goal is full integration and my language helps communicate that to my selfs.

When I (the current forward mix at whatever given time) uses the Coping book/manual... it kind of depends.  Like the other day I wanted a young one to learn the chapter on shame so we got a mom to sit down and together they wrote the info in a language the child could understand.

There are assignments in the book and as I take out a pen to take notes, what comes forward naturally is my teens who like doing homework.

The book seems to try to find ways of engaging all aspects of a self.  Yet, seems that the younger ones did do better having Mom work with them.

Anyways...  I guess the point is some believe we all have an inner child and such.  Many can benefit from gaining inner awareness and insight and such.  Personally I felt the Internal Family Systems model felt too juvenile to me and such but I suspect other people think the same but maybe would benefit from some work like that.  Sometimes the things people avoid maybe are the things they could do well to explore.  My son tells me stories of Dante’s Inferno.  I use those thoughts to face this stuff... it helps.

[JNChell]

When you speak of reaching full integration, is this a harmonious and full circle relationship within yourself? A flow between the changes for lack of better words? Like a healthy family relationship?

[Sunfl0wer]

When you speak of reaching full integration, is this a harmonious and full circle relationship within yourself? A flow between the changes for lack of better words? Like a healthy family relationship?

Exactly!

We all (meaning all persons with and without a dissociative disorder of any level) have “Self States.” Self States are like how you have a way of behaving at work that may be different than your set of thinking and behaviors for parenting a small child at home, which may be a different personality than the one you use to flirt and be a lover.

Personalities naturally have some shifts and fluidity.

So yes...

I’m close.
I still have barriers.
Yet I suspect that the closer I get... I suspect I can achieve a level of personal awareness that may surpass the average person.

I am not trying to posture an NPD self.  I just think we all have a greater capacity for achieving inner awareness.  I simply am different because I have some pretty begging internal forces to drag me there.

That is exactly what I am trying to share!

Thank you JNChell!

(Correction to the title... I am not at all sharing what it is like to live as me, ... lately it is a personal hell.  I try though to fondly refer to facing my own personal hell holes/demons as “Dante’s Inferno.”  What this thread hopefully shares tho is how we all may look inward for finding inner resources within ourselves that are beyond what we comprehended of ourselves and ever thought could be possible.  Parting ways with my ex was it’s own hell.  Facing my Selfs in the aftermath... hell for sure...  staying the course as I am still rebuilding who I am deciding to be... hell for sure.  Just... getting used to hell... and I can find beauty... and a Me that is something I could never have imagined to be.  My words are now failing me.  Hopefully something made sense to someone.)

[JNChell]

Just... getting used to hell...

I hope that this isn’t where you’re deciding to hang your hat. From what I’ve learned from you, you’re a real trooper. You’re very aware of everything and you’re taking great measures for yourself. Maybe not from your POV, but I do understand the “Hell” that you’re speaking of. We weren’t born there, we’re trying to find our way back from it. That’s the important part. We’re aware of it.

What you describe is important to understand. Most of us present with different personas given certain situations. Namely, at work. We can be ourselves around friends and family, but there are situations where we need to be or feel that we need to be reserved and try to blend in at times. That’s my take, anyway. I’m also very good at being wrong. My words are failing me as well. It’s nice to hear from you again.

[JNChell]

BTW, I’m making my way through the material that you’ve posted. My time on the boards has been limited recently.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for replying!

Things are tricky.  My Parts are getting “stronger” meaning...  instead of my usual “melding” a youth took over and knocked out the adults... and therapist was unavailable via emergency means.  Anyways... all is well now.  Not to be dramatic but... every day can feel so close to hell if I listen well enough...  and I believe that not unique to me just because of the label some will assign to my particular presentation of trauma symptoms.  ...I do believe we all have the ability for a level of consciousness that can bring us all to a place of hell... and it is a way to meet the greater depths of one’s own mental capacities.  ...my two cents anyways.

So anyway...

Here is a better description of the hell I speak of.  I feel this so much.  This man imo is brilliant and when I listen, child and older Parts alike can hear and understand him.  Even my Parts in the most denial can too... which... reaching them... is like whispering in Times Square to be heard in Australia.  (Denial Parts are usually ANP Parts)

https://youtu.be/RI7KeQj-6XU