Really struggling today. When things seem better, its almost like she creates drama tonkeep us in a constant state of stress..
Morning LA,
Yes, "its almost like pw/bpd (npd-hpd-ppd et' all) creates drama in order to keep us in a constant state of stress/distress"...
My own foo-mum has been doing this ALL her life, the 'fam' has always called her Aunt "Sassy"… it took me till I was thirty something to understand why… yes, years of rescuing dear old mum… she is very toxic, and I pretty much have a bi-monthly email relationship with her now, she will be 78 yrs old this year, you see, they never change do they… I remember some kind of "therapy" when I was in about the fith grade, that she dragged me off too, irt her first H & marriage, my one and only "claimed " step father… my Grandparents raised me, from age 0-6, (never met my bio father till I was sixteen) then they got me back from from her at age 11- till launch ~>… her history would require a term paper, maybe later.
My ubpd/w's foo mum does the same $hit… constant drama, she will be 70 something this year, no they never change… so this is where my own ubpd/w got it from(?), bpd… probably so… we read so much about the "critical formative years"… age 0-4'ish… the cast is set they say, if nothing changes.
Its almost as though, its some kind of attention / control thing with pw/bpd, ie'… "lookie there, a glass of cold milk sitting on the countertop, all by itself, I think I will knock it over, and then see-watch what happens"… "then I will blame someone else for leaving it there in my way"… some form of (acronym) -DARVO- which stands for “Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender”… or something along these lines.
I think drama and chaos is what the pw/bpd knows, their entire life has been nothing but "spilled & spoiled milk"… so they inadvertently; subconsciously or not, recreate this in their adult lives… ie' for example… my Granny let me drink cold milk out of a mason jar, so to this very day, I still do this, because it reminds me of her… which brings me great comfort… another, Granny used to save all the old bread/biscuits for the blue jays, and cardinals who came to see her in her yard… again, I do the same thing, because again, "it brings me comfort"… it "grounds me"… pw/bpd are doing the same thing, but its not about feeding the song birds, its about something else : (
So now, here we all are; in these tumultuous relationships, marriages… with these women, men, siblings, foo of every type model series… and its now real world, the trenches, the deck plate, day in, day out, and we struggle to understand, we seek and acquire foreknowledge, its all about survival day to day… that's where the rubber meets the road, "the point of contact"… "bayonets before breakfast some days"… yes, its very tough, its draining, it turns us absolutely inside out some days… but we stay, we may leave for a while, either emotionally, or physically, then we come back, then maybe they leave, then they come back... and we find the inner strength stay some more, "just a little longer, and I'll have it!"…
All the while we strive to learn, continuing to learn more, in an attempt to "get it right"… to try to understand the person they really are within the persona, "crack the code", to reach some type of "common ground"… to even attempt, try to be the person we may perceive the pw/bpd wants us to be, in order to gain-reach a point in the relationship-marriage that we can truly… finally get to a point of mutual happiness?
… its a day to day battle, we have to always find new ways to cope, and to survive, "revise, and create new tactics"... and all the while, they fight us, devalue us, project onto us, act like they hate us, loath us… as if we aren't even there to them… so forth and so on…
… but then, there is that bread crumb (Fathers Day Card), a small gleam of light shines through… the "intermittent positive reward"… and feels it so good, we think, "finally!", she gets it, she really does love me… this is finally going to work!
But it doesn't last long, and the next thing we know, we are once again cleaning up (metaphorically), another broken glass, and more spilled milk off the floor… why?
You are hanging in there, you are in the same home as her, and your step Son, even though perhaps still sleeping on the couch… me2, many nights on the old leather couch in my "office-man cave"… I remember all of it, it went on for years.
Hang in there LA, keep forging ahead, and keep learning, don't ever stop learning… about what you are experiencing.
I went to dinner with my wife last Friday, her treat, for Fathers Day, I mentally, and emotionally prepared myself to be able to spend hours alone with her, in her jeep, and sitting in a restaurant, two towns away form home… I prepared my mind (mindfulness) for what I knew was going to happen…
I bought her pretty fresh flowers, I ironed my shirt, and shined my shoes, and made sure I was on time…
She has bought herself a new home, in the next town… we've been separated for almost seven months now… we have started to spend time together, and talk… its tenuous, tentative… she projects onto me, she tells me about all the c-r-a-p-p-y things I've ever done to her, she almost goes into "extinction burst mode" everytime… I really "get the treatment"… but I just listen, and I try to find something in all that CHAFF to validate… I tell her I love her, sometimes she lets me hold her hand, I get a little hug to now and again, she even kissed me on my check that night, after she made me say "please" … but its tough… she is so full of anger, and she still says things, crazy off the wall things, incendiary, hurtful and attacking things... that my
gut tells me are grounds for termination of this marriage… but I still hang on… she has this cancer you see… and I am a "savoir"… a "people pleaser"… a "caregiver"… but I broke from that when she hit my Son… which she still has zero remorse about, she even said she would do it again tomorrow, as we sat there eating our steaks, and sipping our wine at the restaurant… wow : (
Seems she just cant resist that urge to knock that tall glass of cold milk onto the floor below, and then relish the calamity afterwards…
What to do… we are separated, we are both "safe" from one another… daily life continues…
She said a myriad of things, yes, quite incendiary in fact (I use this word too much)... to me that evening, that any other "Man" would have gotten up, given the waitress a hundred spot, and walked out, and thusly would('ve) never spoken to her again… yeah… but I didn't… why?
We share a lot of similarities, not just in age, and life experiences LA… but perhaps our capacity to take punishment from someone we profess to love… interesting,
Keep using the tools, stay mindful, but know your emotional, and as well physical limitations (couch).
Keep Posting, Kind Regards, Red5
