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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Amazing vacation followed by really odd acting out when settling back in  (Read 521 times)
formflier
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« on: April 02, 2019, 10:12:28 AM »


7 Total family members (me and Mrs FF + 5 kiddos) in an RV checking out national parks and some really awesome state parks.

First time ever trying an RV..and we all loved it.

I'll certainly fill in details later (a bit busy getting going on stuff back here at home) but I'll just say it would be hard for me to imagine the vacation going any better than it did.  I can't think of one cross word spoken between us.

We get back and she would do the jeckle and hyde thing going from uber nice wow wasn't that great to wondering why (fill in the blank) wasn't done...why I am so slow..shouldn't I have a job by now...then "poof"..back to nice.

Honestly..I've not be on  my best since I was pretty  tired from the trip and needed to catch up on sleep.  I need to work more on not engaging.

Anyway..glad to take the trip and glad to be back. 


More later.

FF
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« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2019, 11:37:14 AM »

Same issue here after any vacation, be it a weekend or a week.

pwBPD are always trying to escape the pain which is their life. The return to the normality of daily life is for them a return to that pain. Yet, they are still on a high over getting away for a while. So, they bounce back and forth.

Maybe that is what Mrs. FF is dealing with?
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Red5
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« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2019, 12:01:37 PM »

Was wondering where you were FF, thought you may have "gone over the hill"

Thought we were going to have to send the "Shore Patrol" after you ?

Glad ya'll had a great trip !… & welcome back!

~ when Mrs. Red5 and I would vacation together, to points unknown, and downrange… she did not, could not wait until we were back home gain, no; it was her modus operandi to be very nice when out with the kids, and folks, but when we returned to the hotel, or the hostess house, the door slammed shut, and Red5 was "on the couch"… "punishment enroute, and on travel was the norm"... many sea stories to be told there ~

Red5
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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
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« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2019, 02:11:02 PM »

So glad you have enjoyed quiet time of relaxation and together-ness with your family. One thing I want to point your attention to is attachment styles for BPD individuals. Across all of us there are 3 groups of attachment:
1. Secure- mentally healthy individuals relate to the world in a radical acceptance trusting way, allowing people to both be near them (intimacy) and far away, all the while knowing they are loved and worthy of love (high self esteem and exploration)
2. Anxious attachment- when indivial goes out of their way to avoid conflict, exhibit clingy behaviour, settle of unsatisfactory relationships, have a negative view of self (low self esteem) and positive view of others (unworthy of being loved)
3. Avoidant attachment- when caregivers of the child aren’t available or responsive, the child maintains positive view of self, but untrusting to the outside world. These people are intimidated by intimacy, avoid it at most cost without conscious processing. Most people with BPD fall between anxious attachment (they are the aggressive ones, when they are presented with hypothetical rejection, or loss they strike out, they also want to discuss things in a circular arguments. Avoidant types just avoid/silent treat the other party.
People don’t usually match with the same attached type, other then security attached. Avoidant attached people can’t function with a similar kind, instead they match with securely attached people (not for long, once they exhibit running away behaviour, secure individuals don’t chase them) or anxious, who overcompensate for the lack of emotional intimacy.
It’s helpul to understand where your wife falls along with yourself. Also, please read up on demand/withdrawal phenomenon in psychology. I can explain further if you are interested
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       “Aimer, ce n’est pas se regarder l’un l’autre, c’est regarder ensemble dans la même direction.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
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« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2019, 02:23:12 PM »


That's fascinating. 

I would guess my wife is avoidant and I'm somewhere secure to anxious.

Basically...my wife doesn't avoid conflict..it would seem she seems to seek it out sometimes.  In her FOO...the more the argument..the more the attachment.  Then there is this thing where they all pretend there never was an argument..until the next one.

I'm "programmed" (or was) to only argue when it's important.  Plus there are rules around how you do it.  Even when argument is over we could each describe each others point of view and understood each others sides.

Interesting..I've never put much thought into this.  Would like to read up on it when I get time.

FF
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« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2019, 02:41:59 PM »

Excerpt
Across all of us there are 3 groups of attachment:

There is a fourth attachment style: insecure - disorganized which combines both the anxious and avoidant styles. This group is significantly smaller than the other three.
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« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2019, 02:45:45 PM »


My wife is also very "high functioning". 

And..our "attachment" was very "normal"...I would say "secure" for 15-16 years.  Then..natural disaster...things off the rail.

Granted...I was gone a lot due to military.  That leads to lots of happy "reunions" and time apart where I wasn't cramping her style and she was in charge.

Looking back I can see "hints"...and definitely see it all over her foo.

FF
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« Reply #7 on: April 02, 2019, 10:37:54 PM »

Good to see you here FF.  When our S and DxBPDW would go on vacation it was always to see family. What I noticed was not even a few hours into it she would have some sort of meltdown over something ridiculous.  I thought maybe it was her jealously of our relationship with our S and G Children. Then I found out when they went to go see our S Bio Dad and family that they hadn’t seen in years it was the same way, she “lost her car keys” right off the bat, and accused everyone of taking them and hiding them. She was yelling, screaming and crying saying she had to go back to work the next morning (which I think wasn’t true). Anyway the keys were found in the side of the recliner she had been sitting on. I think they always have to be the  center of attention, and if not they do something to make themselves the center, good or bad. That is what I have experienced with DIL, now X DIL.  That was also the time our son had a black eye when he got to his Bio D.  Ex had freaked out that they were driving in the rain and she wanted our S to turn around. When he didn’t she punched him in the face.
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« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2019, 06:22:53 AM »


I suppose I should count myself lucky that dysregulations "on" vacation are very rare.

Of course..I'm defining "vacation" as a fun trip that doesn't involve going to family.  So...running down to see her sister for a long weekend is a "trip"...but not a "vacation".

No end of surprises on "trips to see family". 

FF
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