Adult son diagnosed with BPD a year ago

[ViMum]

Hello everyone,
I’m here because I love my son who struggles with emotions and life and I know you will be people who understand. My son was always very impulsive and spent a lot of time in his teens trying to kill himself. He has cut his body up a bit, and continues to cut his face when stressed. He has broken furniture but only ever threatened/hurt himself. I dealt with his teen years on my own mostly along with his older sister and various mental health professionals.. It was exhausting and scary; no one I knew had any idea what it’s like. He’s in his early twenties now and on a DBT programme, tried different meds over the years. He’s up and down but we’re all feeling more hopeful. He has had to be more independent and we acknowledge the little things can be such a challenge but to know he can get through it because he’s gotten through really tough moments. I always say to look back 5 years ago, two years ago and see all the progress he’s made - just moving at a different pace to others - so two years from now he’ll look back and see that he got through this time and frustrations.
Anyway, I’m still processing the last eight years and I feel a lot of things sometimes plus still worry about him but it’s getting easier to manage and I just wanted to offer my support to anyone going through this stuff and also get some support too from people who really understand all that comes with loving this beautiful person but with boundaries and sometimes tough love.
Love and light all.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi ViMum,

What a relief he is willing to engage the DBT program and try and sort things out, and kudos to you for all the tough work you've put in to help get him to this place. The teen years are so tough no matter what and BPD makes it so much harder.

Is your son living on his own?

What is his relationship like with you and his sister?

[Miserable Mom]

Thanks ViMum for sharing your traumatic experiences.  Knowing we are not alone and supporting one another is love and light. It is wonderful to hear your son is getting the care he needs to meet him where he is at. It is the glimmer of hope we all need.

[ViMum]

Thank you livednlearned and Miserable Mom. I hope you both are doing ok.
In response to your questions: (I don’t know how to do the quote box thing)


Is your son living on his own?  My son is living with his stepdad who has been in his life since he was 3. His stepdad travels a lot so my son has to be on his for several months at a time and look after himself and the apartment. I get calls from my son at times because he’s not been able to leave the house or eat or is really not well or his exgirlfriend is worried but this has lessened over the last year. His stepdad is supportive and patient and always calls him when he’s away. It’s a learning journey for us all. It’s given my son proof he can cope even if I have to talk him through self care or contacting the building manager about something then reflecting back with him on the great job he did getting help instead of being stuck. He’s managing to do a lot more and forgive himself a lot more.

What is his relationship like with you and his sister?
We have a really close relationship. We have been through sudden  tragic deaths of their siblings on their dads side when they were teens and my sons best friend died of cancer at 16. His sadness, anger and fear overwhelmed him and of course his sister was also dealing with these things but he always showed everything since he was a kid and she’s used to dealing with him. I worried about her a lot and he was able to see her struggling too as well as me. Unfortunately this would also make him feel terrible and guilty so he’d hurt himself.
His sister will go and stay with him sometimes - she lives in a different city - or he’ll go and stay with her. He’s painfully aware of his tantrums and the effect he can have on me and her. We are the ones he mostly talks with about things but we also are the ones he can say very hurtful things to. He and his ex girlfriend parted after two years because they loved each other but it wasn’t healthy and both of them needed healing so he’s aware and trying to use his strategies. He will apologise to me afterwards if he starts ranting a bit, he usually stops once he’s calmed down which I’m able to get him to do. His sister and I were very tired of him and needed breaks. It’s nice now that he lives away because it just gives us all a bit of space. He moved in with his stepdad at 18. He’s 21 now. We chat regularly and I always just try to trust he’ll be ok. He misses us a lot sometimes and there are tears and we miss him and worry but just got to trust.

Hope the very long answers were ok, it’s nice to just let it out.
I appreciate your situations may be very different and I’m always interested in others experiences and hope my experiences can help in some small way. I’m currently waiting for him to let me know a good time to call because I ended up needing to go to doctor when I was supposed to call. This can sometimes become a situation if he thinks I don’t care about him because he was looking forward to talking but I’ve learned I just have to tell him I will talk as soon as possible at a better time because he’s very important to me and then still do what I need to do. I’m trying  not to worry that he’s done something silly and that he’s just being a typical young man too busy to call his mother!

[livednlearned]

I’m currently waiting for him to let me know a good time to call because I ended up needing to go to doctor when I was supposed to call. This can sometimes become a situation if he thinks I don’t care about him because he was looking forward to talking but I’ve learned I just have to tell him I will talk as soon as possible at a better time because he’s very important to me and then still do what I need to do.

This is true for us, too. If SD22 calls and people don't pick up immediately, she falls to pieces. Same with texting. H has been trying to get her to schedule talks because he has a busy, stressful job and that has been a rough and bumpy process. SD22 calls H every day and sometimes twice a day, with all day texting in between. With me it's mostly texting and if I don't respond right away things quickly devolve on her end. Like you, we try to focus on what we need to do and reassure her she's important and will get back to her and then hold our breath and hope she self soothes 

I had a T who said SD22 feels abandoned all the time and we feel it's triggered by our actions because the curtain is pulled back in that moment. It helped me a lot to hear it described that way so we can focus on supporting her without jumping under the bus with her every time she feels rejected.

[ViMum]

Yes livedandlearned,  that sounds full on and time consuming.
Good strategy! It does give compassion to think about what it must be like for our loved one.

[Only Human]

Hi ViMum

I'm glad you've joined us here to give and get support. Welcome!

~ OH

[stampingt1]

Hi ViMum,

Thanks for letting us know that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Just wish the tunnel was shorter.