Told my T I think I"m codependent, and she dismissed it. Should I still see her?

[WindofChange]

In my last session, I told my T I had bought the book Codependent No More, and that I felt I'm codependent and this is something I really need to work on. She is actually a kind and compassionate person, but she smiled sort of patronizingly and said, "Codependence is an old term that we don't really use anymore. That book has been around 20+ years."  When I asked what the term is for people who have codependent tendencies, and how do I work on my issues, she just said, "Better boundaries."  That's a little vague for me and I'm disappointed by her reaction. She is very into personality types and usually when we talk about issues with my exBPDbf or with my mother, she discusses what personality type she thinks they are. I've seen her for close to two years, and while I initially thought she was helpful to me, I'm getting to a point where I am not sure if she still is.
I feel codependence is a huge issue for me, and I'll continue to read the book. But the thought of trying to find another T is a discouraging one. I don't want to start over, but I'm thinking maybe I need to. Does anyone agree, disagree? What have your experiences been with your T? Do they recognize codependence as an issue?

[Wicker Man]

Finish reading the book by all means, however I found the book to be more focused on codependency in relationships involving substance abuse rather than emotionally dysfunctional relationships.  Keep in mind Beattie, whereas she has had a lot of anecdotal life experience, was not trained in mental health care when she wrote the book.  

I didn't find the book to be appropriate to my situation. I found the book interesting and I am glad I read it -but it didn't hit the mark for me.
 
The relationship between therapist and client is a really important, intimate and special relationship.  Since you have invested two years with this therapist you might want to directly voice your concern with her reaction to your reading the book rather than switching therapists.

Actually... voicing your concern about her reaction to the book and your feelings of codependency in a thoughtful, but firm manner can be really difficult for a people pleaser or codependent --but it is important.

Perhaps ask your therapist for a book she likes on the subject of codependency -I use my therapist constantly as a guide for my readings.

I have challenged my therapist on his thoughts when I either disagreed or don't understand his thought process.  I will not hesitate to say "I am lost" or "please repeat that" and once in a great while "I cannot agree".  He has been very upfront saying if I miss the mark let me know.



Personally -I found Lost Childhoods: The Plight Of The Parentified Child Plight of the Parentified Child -Jurovic and The Drama of the Gifted Child -Miller helpful in understanding my inclination as a rescuer / protector.

It took me three tries to find the right therapist --but he is the right fit.

Wicker Man

[once removed]

mental health professionals differ in their opinions when it comes to codependency. for example, some believe it should be a diagnosable mental health disorder. others dont.

personally i think that its a term that is both often misunderstood, and overused at the same time. so i can certainly understand why a mental health professional would cringe a bit.

how do I work on my issues, she just said, "Better boundaries."  That's a little vague for me and I'm disappointed by her reaction

i actually think this could be a pretty promising answer. the opposite of a codependent is a well differentiated person. you work on your issues by, generally speaking, becoming a more emotionally mature and resilient person, which is synonymous with differentiation...a well differentiated person has good boundaries. id want to know more about what she thinks about boundaries as a concept, and how we live them.

we have more information on codependent relationships here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

[zachira]

I am sorry that your therapist dismissed your feelings and instead choose to play the expert role. Everyone is an expert on their own reality, and the terms we use to describe our reality can certainly vary from person to person. I would certainly let your therapist know how you feel about the way she responded. This is good practice for overcoming wanting to please others instead of respectfully explaining how we feel. I read the book "Codependent No More" in the late 1980's, and felt it described me at the time. It has taken a lot of intense therapy and reading many books on similar subjects to deal with my compulsion to push my feelings aside to please others, and above all not be so overwhelmed by being character assassinated by my family members with BPD and NPD when they are having a melt down. What has helped me more than anything is understanding that my family members have BPD, and knowing that I am not the horrible person that is responsible for all the family problems that I thought I was. Keep searching for answers and above all, honor what feels right for you. No therapist gets it right all the time. Also, sometimes we are ready for a different type of therapist.

[Skip]

"Co-dependency" and "boundaries" are two words with so many definitions that they are almost throw away words. She may be reacting to the book, which is old.  Beattie only graduated from high school. She began drinking at age 12, was a full-blown alcoholic by age 13, and a junkie by 18.

Timon Cermick MD tried to get co-dependency into the DSM. He failed
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency#Failed_proposal_for_inclusion_in_DSM

Codependents anonymous was borne later and is a 12-Step (AA like) program.

It's legitimate that she doesn't want to anchor your therapy on this foundation. A lot of people are led astray by self-help books - good reading but may not fit her care plans.  

What do yo think of her overall - is she a good match for you?

[I Am Redeemed]

We talk here about how the label of BPD doesn't necessarily carry as much importance as identifying the behaviors of the person. I would say the same is true of codependency. Perhaps you could focus on the behaviors and thought patterns in yourself that you would like to change, and assess whether or not your therapist is helpful in formulating strategies to accomplish that.

[JNChell]

Hi, WoC. You’re on the fence with your therapist. You’ve been working with her for roughly two years. Does that hold any weight when you look at it? The rapport is there. The comfort level.

It’s understandable to be concerned about your T not agreeing with you. On the other hand, maybe it would help to consider that she is a professional. I once labeled myself as a codependent because it’s all over the web when it comes to these relationships. I’m not a codependent. That’s me though. Let’s talk about you.

Is this the first time that you’ve had uneasy feelings with your T? Is she meeting your needs?

I see a trauma specialist. Just over a year now. She’s helping me dissect my childhood and is very good at helping me to relate my present with my past. This has been the most important part to my healing. My T avoids labels and keeps the focus on behaviors. She did once validate me in saying that S4’s mom sounds like a borderline, but followed up with the fact that she can’t diagnose her. I get it.

You have time, emotions and energy invested with your T. Maybe don’t jump ship just yet over one instance. Tell your T about how you feel. These are just suggestions.

[Mutt]

It sounds like your T invalidated you, someone suggested to address her reaction I agree with that but maybe address it in a different way.

I had one counselor I really liked her because I felt terrible at the time and instead of talk therapy she had suggestions with changing habits - CBT which I found really helped me with depression and anxiety that is what it was designed for initially.

Anyways I told her I’m sick and tired of giving my all in relationships but being told that I mean we’ll but I’m missing something. It was frustrating because I’m pretty retrospective and aware she suggested a book that we gave here in our library. It talks about negative behaviour but it’s really talking about schema’s she said your that issue is relationships or relationship skills.

Reinventing Your Life - Jeffrey E. Young Phd

This was what I was looking for, finally an answer with where my real problem areas are but that’s my situation that might not be applicable to you - it’s a good book anyways.

Also maybe take into account that she is right maybe you need self work with boundaries. You have had her for a couple of years you know her best than any body on these boards. I’m glad that you brought it up here to talk to us about it. Maybe look at the whole picture and how is she overall? Is this something that you can overlook? Is it time to establish a new relationship with a different T? Someone new can bring new ideas it might be beneficial.

[FJM]

I agree with everything once removed said.
Maybe its the case and maybe not that youre codependent.
I brought the same inquiry to my T and he told me that im not but he gave me the reasons for that. It seems that your T just gave you semantic answers only.
Like every profession theres Good therapists and Bad ones.

[WindofChange]

Thank you so much, everyone, for all the helpful suggestions. I am going to read over them all again and ponder them carefully when I have a little more time.
It's been a bit since I've been on here. My life has been work, class, sleep, repeat. With a few household chores and some family time thrown in.
There are good points made about not labeling, and about considering the boundaries factor more. I guess I do also need to tell her how it made me feel when she was sort of dismissive about the book. It is hard for me as a people pleaser to confront someone unless they do something really egregious. I appreciate the link about codependency and also the book link and I'll check those out also.
We have hade a fairly good relationship overall.  I will say she is sometimes a bit unfocused and tends to jump from one thing to another (like me, ). She told me when I first came to her that she liked the fact that I wrote down a brief history about myself and the major life events I'd gone through, along with a summary of my relationship issues and what I was struggling with. She has recently talked to me about forming some concrete goals of what I want to work on. Maybe I need to write those down as well.
I think mostly what we've done has been talk therapy. She once mentioned art therapy as an idea for me, and she has suggested books to read. I read the book Boundaries that she recommended, and it had a lot of good information in it. I also read a book by the same authors titled Safe People, and liked that as well. But I wonder if some other approach might be better for me. I don't know.
I'm not ready to give up on her yet, but I agree I need to discuss these things with her and see what she suggests. Thank you again for your responses and suggestions!

[Wicker Man]

I guess I do also need to tell her how it made me feel when she was sort of dismissive about the book. It is hard for me -to confront someone.

I am a people please to be sure... (the inevitable but...)  In my opinion therapy is the one place we must say precisely what we are feeling with the least amount of mitigation possible while respect to decorum.

I'm not ready to give up on her

This has gotten me in all manner of trouble... but I believe relationships, both professional and personal are worth spending extra energy to sort out.  Not knowing the situation other than by your description -I am glad you are going to give your therapist another chance. 

Consider, if you will, telling your therapist point blank her response made you feel dismissed.  My guess is she will be surprised -perhaps she felt she could use a 'short hand' which came off poorly.

It is interesting she is talking about giving you goals.  Guidance is something which my therapist is slow to do.

Wicker Man

I am going to add a postscript.  In an attempt to 'know my enemy' I did a lot of reading about therapy.  Apparently it is common for people to commit sins of commission or omission.  In other words people will either lie or withhold information from their therapists...  This is incredibly contraindicated! 

I guess it is the mid-westerner in me...  What a waste of time and money.(!)  So if you are willing to take advice from a dubious source -go 'weapons free' in therapy and say precisely what you feel -the goal of therapy is to get out of therapy.

[Turkish]

Coming in late here...

I think the term is overused by members here.  I said the same thing to my T. He replied, "No, you're not.  True co-dependents permeates every aspect and relationship in your life.  I'm treating a co-dependent woman.  Trust me, you aren't."

Co-dependency isn't a diagnosis.  The term came from AA referring to the spouse or loved one who gained something from enabling the other's alcoholism.  I personally think it's overused much like narcissism, in that it's used to indicate a pathology that isn't there,  but rather certain behaviors. 

My T told me, "you don't have to pathologize everything."

[WindofChange]

Hi Wicker Man and Turkish.
I do try to be honest and forthcoming with my T in everything. I guess I was a bit thrown by her reaction on the codependent thing. But I agree with you, both in the fact that I need to tell her directly how her response made me feel and also in that going to therapy without being completely honest and open does seem pointless and a waste of time and money!
Turkish, you bring up a good point about not getting hung up on labels or trying to pathologize everything. I think for me in this relationship, I became so enmeshed with him and so wrapped up in his pain and his suffering that I just wanted to caretake him and heal him. The good times were so very good, I thought I could fix things so it would be like that again and then everything would be great from then on...when we managed to reach that point...someday. Obviously that didn't happen. I don't know what you call that--maybe just a typical relationship between a BPD and a non-BPD?