I'm exhausted and wonder if my fiance is taking advantage of my understanding

[Depression = 72% of members]

My fiance recently learned and has been diagnosed BPD. Now that we are aware of it, we both have been working on ourselves individually as well as our relationship as a team.. well at first. I feel like he's beginning to decline yet I'm still working on changing myself. I've been reading the "stop walking on eggshells" book and trying so hard to do my part and I'm exhausted. I feel like hes not working as hard as he was in the beginning. Hes starting to "split" what seems to be every other day now and of course it's my fault. I find myself wondering if he is taking advantage of my understanding and my efforts because he knows I will do my best not to say or do anything to make things worse. I just dont know. Theres a lot going on outside of our relationship that involves my family and my living situation that happens to be out of my control. However he feels rejected and like everyone is getting between us and it's my fault.

[Kurious Kat]

My fiance recently learned and has been diagnosed BPD. Now that we are aware of it, we both have been working on ourselves individually as well as our relationship as a team.. well at first. I feel like he's beginning to decline yet I'm still working on changing myself. I've been reading the "stop walking on eggshells" book and trying so hard to do my part and I'm exhausted. I feel like hes not working as hard as he was in the beginning. Hes starting to "split" what seems to be every other day now and of course it's my fault. I find myself wondering if he is taking advantage of my understanding and my efforts because he knows I will do my best not to say or do anything to make things worse. I just dont know. Theres a lot going on outside of our relationship that involves my family and my living situation that happens to be out of my control. However he feels rejected and like everyone is getting between us and it's my fault.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mamabolivia]

 My advice would be to define very clearly what you want from a relationship. Read up on what makes for a good relationship (re. John Gottman et al) and decide whether you can continue to invest in the relationship that you are currently in.

[No-One]

Kurious Kat:
Welcome!
mamabolivia gave some good advice.  Take some time to look at things realistically.  You can't change people, and behaviors always get worse after marriage.  If you are exhausted now, how long can you continue that way?

You might consider going to a therapist for a few visits to help you look at things objectively?  Is marriage to your fiance the right think for you.  Lots of people make the mistake of thinking they can "fix" someone.  You have to be willing to accept that what you see is what you get, and then some. 

The Eggshell book is great and the tools can help, but there aren't any easy fixes.  Many people can find it exhausting and feel like they are still walking on eggshells.  Even people who seriously pursue treatment will have relapses. 

The decision is yours to make, but you won't likely regret taking some time to really think things over.

[Benaiah]

Borderline Personality Disorder isn't something that someone has, it is who they are. You cannot change a Borderline. I do not recommend being in a relationship with a borderline at all, much less a friendship, dating relationship, or a marriage. This may sound harsh, but if it already diagnosed, you already know what you are dealing with. There are guys out there who do not have problems like this. Think of some of the qualities that you find attractive in him, and look for those qualities in someone who does not have BPD. You want a relationship that replenishes you. Life is hard enough, you don't need a life with someone who is a constant drain on your life. Look into the book Boundaries as well. It sounds like you need to set some boundaries for yourself. Love yourself first. Beat them by choosing your life instead of their life.

[Harri]

Please do not urge participants to exit their relationship. Members post here to find solutions to difficult problems. Please allow them the opportunity.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56303.0

[SunandMoon]

Hi Kurious Kat and welcome! 

Being in a relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD) can be exhausting so it's good that you're reaching out to others who understand and can give you support.

There's lots of information on these boards that can help, from the tools and workshops to others' posts, so spend some time reading and posting to gain skills and perspective.

Now that your fiance is diagnosed, is he getting therapy? Are you receiving any therapy to help you cope?