Haven't been in this position in a while

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

FF, you know I tend to present the other side of things. BPD can affect how these things play out but some things are universal to relationships with or without BPD. IMHO, BPD affects how couples work these things out or not- it doesn't mean the actual conflict is due to BPD.

And while your focus is on the best way to put up shelving, IMHO the argument isn't about the shelf at all but the control and precision differences between the two of you.

You tend to be a precise kind of guy. That's good for the kind of work you are trained to do. People's lives depended on you. Precision is essential.

Not every outcome is a situation of saving lives and doesn't require this level of control or precision.

I have had some similar conflicts with my H over home projects or purchases. He likes things his way and in many cases his way is the most precise way. I can do precision if I need to but I have a creative streak and there is room for creativity- if it is allowed. I would add that for your wife's job and role as a mother, creativity and the ability to allow mistakes is a valued quality. For a child to learn to do things, he or she needs to have some room for mistakes. The parent controls the things the child is allowed to experiment with - so the child doesn't harm himself.

For example, the first time a kid bakes a cake, he might leave eggshells in the batter or not use the right amount of ingredients. The result: a ruined cake. No biggie, just the loss of time and ingredients. But if the child is micromanaged and controlled, he or she doesn't have the same learning experience.

I did just fine with home projects before I got married but heaven forbid I make a mistake- drop some paint on the floor or don't hang a picture in the exact place, and I have to hear about it. It's frustrating to want to do something with Mr Perfect commenting and pointing out mistakes.

I've spent hours picking out paint chips or wallpaper only to have them vetoed. Then, I step back from home improvement projects and hear complaints about how I'm not involved. As a consequence of me not having a say in home improvement, my home doesn't have things of my taste.

 I have friends who choose some wild colors. They love them. If their husbands hate it but their wives are happy, bless them for having the sense to keep their mouths shut. I put some wallpaper up in a small room that I like but my H complains about it. It hurt my feelings. The next time we have funds for painting- I'm ripping all of it out as I don't want to hear it. Sometimes sharing a space is a compromise- accepting that two people may not like the same thing but caring enough to put up with some things their way. If something isn't perfect, it isn't the end of the world.

If you get so involved in her home project, she may feel invalidated. Is letting her put some shelves up her way worth a divorce? Why not let her try? It may not work, she may make a mistake, but on the other hand, she will have the chance to do something the way she may want to.

[Notwendy]

FF, you know I tend to present the other side of things. BPD can affect how these things play out but some things are universal to relationships with or without BPD. IMHO, BPD affects how couples work these things out or not- it doesn't mean the actual conflict is due to BPD.

And while your focus is on the best way to put up shelving, IMHO the argument isn't about the shelf at all but the control and precision differences between the two of you.

You tend to be a precise kind of guy. That's good for the kind of work you are trained to do. People's lives depended on you. Precision is essential.

Not every outcome is a situation of saving lives and doesn't require this level of control or precision.

I have had some similar conflicts with my H over home projects or purchases. He likes things his way and in many cases his way is the most precise way. I can do precision if I need to but I have a creative streak and there is room for creativity- if it is allowed. I would add that for your wife's job and role as a mother, creativity and the ability to allow mistakes is a valued quality. For a child to learn to do things, he or she needs to have some room for mistakes. The parent controls the things the child is allowed to experiment with - so the child doesn't harm himself.

For example, the first time a kid bakes a cake, he might leave eggshells in the batter or not use the right amount of ingredients. The result: a ruined cake. No biggie, just the loss of time and ingredients. But if the child is micromanaged and controlled, he or she doesn't have the same learning experience.

I did just fine with home projects before I got married but heaven forbid I make a mistake- drop some paint on the floor or don't hang a picture in the exact place, and I have to hear about it. It's frustrating to want to do something with Mr Perfect commenting and pointing out mistakes.

I've spent hours picking out paint chips or wallpaper only to have them vetoed. Then, I step back from home improvement projects and hear complaints about how I'm not involved. As a consequence of me not having a say in home improvement, my home doesn't have things of my taste.

 I have friends who choose some wild colors. They love them. If their husbands hate it but their wives are happy, bless them for having the sense to keep their mouths shut. I put some wallpaper up in a small room that I like but my H complains about it. It hurt my feelings. The next time we have funds for painting- I'm ripping all of it out as I don't want to hear it. Sometimes sharing a space is a compromise- accepting that two people may not like the same thing but caring enough to put up with some things their way. If something isn't perfect, it isn't the end of the world.

If you get so involved in her home project, she may feel invalidated. Is letting her put some shelves up her way worth a divorce? Why not let her try? It may not work, she may make a mistake, but on the other hand, she will have the chance to do something the way she may want to.

[formflier]

It's not about the shelves...perhaps I didn't get enough sleep or be clear.  It's about the downside/connection to other projects which are not done.

It happens to be shelves that are the "tool" which might be a problem. 

FF

[toomanydogs]

Hey FF,
  I know nothing about home improvements or furnaces or even putting up shelving; however, I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. The divorce card is cruel. I know you (at least I think I do), and I feel confident that you, with or without the help of your P, will navigate these rather choppy waters as you see fit.
  I'm thinking about you and sending prayers.   
TMD

[empath]

My h has difficulties with long-term planning and collaborative projects; it's part of the impulsivity. These areas have caused all sorts of problems for us. Something that has helped me is having other people that he has to deal with directly or who will be the "bad cop" and not allow things to happen that are not sustainable (or illegal...). My h is much less inclined to be a pain around other people who would say the same thing that I did, so it works.

I think of divorce threats about the same way that I think through the suicide threats. Is it a credible possibility - do they have means and a plan? The upside to divorce is that it's not usually something that one can pull off impulsively - there are legal restraints and a process.

[Cat Familiar]

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