Being cheated on - any experience?

[allovertheplace]

Hi all,

Background: dated my ex bf for 3 years before he became a different human being literally overnight - the kind, loyal, sweet person who valued love and our relationship over everything disappeared without warning. He cheated on me, cut me off completely and gave me really painful (and what he's said were false) rationalizations for leaving - he never loved me, was never attracted to me, etc. After his diagnosis it became pretty obvious he was splitting at the time - the girl (who also has severe BPD) immediately moved in with him for a month, "fell in love" after a week, then it blew up for no reason and they ghosted each other, and both of them have since realized that it was infatuation/projection. It was such an intense shock to me and both of our families and friends and 8 months later I still feel like my reality is unstable - I have trouble reconciling the past and history I had with him for 3 years with this new, completely opposite version of him.

There's a lot of hostility between him and her, although they don't talk and he's completely released that situation - not on his radar. She did a few malicious things to me throughout that period so I eventually mustered up some courage and stood up to her - she lashed out pretty cruelly and my ex furiously defended me, which I appreciated. She has a history of doing similar things to lots of people who approached me warning me/wanting to share their stories, so he's denounced her as "evil."

After 4 months of no contact we are back in each other's lives, but he's certainly changed. He's prioritized sleeping with as many people as he can, smoking pot excessively, partying and ignoring all responsibilities, etc. He takes a very impersonal approach to sex. It seems like his values have shifted to mirror his father's (dysfunctional home, father is a wealthy, high functioning alcoholic/drug user/cheater, brags about the volume of girls he slept with in college). He has a 28 yo cousin that lives by those same values/lifestyle that he idolizes, and my ex seems to have really identified with that. It is a massive stretch from who I knew him to be and who his family has always known him to be as well.

We aren't dating or even consistently romantically involved. We're intimate/romantic when we're together but he's bounced back and forth between "i love you so f***ing much, i want to be in an open relationship, you're who I want to be with at the end of the day, you're my best friend, we're together" and telling my friends/his family how ashamed he is and that he cares about me way too much to ever make those mistakes again vs. indifference and "i never meant any of those things, my mind changes constantly, they weren't true, I don't love you in that way, I want you in my life "heavily" and I want to continue to be intimate/romantic when we're together but I want no obligation to you and never want to date you." sometimes he wants to see me constantly and we'll spend days straight together with him calling on a regular basis, other times i won't hear from him for weeks. It's a rollercoaster that really weighs on my happiness, although I've been struggling a lot in general since our breakup in Sept.

Regardless of my status with him, I've had so much trouble releasing the pain, shame, self-loathing/blame, and embarrassment associated with the cheating. Unfortunately, I know details and sometimes I obsessively picture them having sex, showering together while I was on my way to pick him up, etc. I even had to drive to her house and pick him up (at his request) bc he'd slept there so he could break up with me, and while we were hugging, crying, and saying goodbye she walked into the driveway with her arms crossed to mark her territory. I was terrified and scurried away. I watched him take her to dinner with his father while him and I were still dating and he'd just stopped responding to me.There were a lot of slap in the face moments that I put up with and have since felt extremely pathetic for - I've tried to gain back my power but bottom line he has complete reign over the situation and I stick around after abuse that should leave me running. Instead of anger I just have a lot of depression. I tried desperately to reach who he "was" during the breakup and I still do, though not as obviously, even though I know it's futile.

It's been months since I processed those emotions and although the trauma is still there sometimes I feel like I've moved on from it completely - its presence definitely waned after I confronted her and finally gave myself a voice in a situation that I felt so helpless and invisible in for so long. But lately I find myself on the verge of tears while I'm at work, in class, in public, etc. thinking about it. At those times I feel pretty worthless and my face turns red with humiliation and intense sadness picturing them together in all of the ways that they were. I've stopped questioning "why" but the pain still comes in pretty powerful waves. And yes I'm still in love with him and want to be with him (although having him in my life is destructive at this point and I'm aware of this) so it still feels fresh.

Has anyone experienced this sort of cheating and come out on the other side? Any tips for how to move on from it, regardless of if he's in my life or not? Do the trust issues, fears, and shame ever go away? Grateful for any advice/stories.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

What is your goal here?

Do you want a committed relationship with no cheating?

Do you want to learn how to survive or perhaps thrive in a relationship where cheating is the norm?

Those are two very different paths and should probably be clarified before going forward. 

I saw an explanation about how he approaches sex (impersonal way).  Is that compatible with how you approach sex?  Does that approach work for you?

FF

[allovertheplace]

Thanks so much for your response.

His feelings/what he wants out of our "relationship" is always in flux, so unfortunately our status is not up to me (unless I choose to walk away, of course). If he could consistently maintain his desire to be in some sort of relationship with me/have a consistent love for me then I could start thinking about how I might be able to compromise what I want with what he wants, because the bottom line is monogamy won't be on the table for a long time even if he decides he wants to be "together." Of course I'd also have to reflect on how capable I would be of adapting to these changes and how much I'd be willing to change - for a couple of weeks he expressed a desire to be in an open relationship so I spent that time trying to answer those questions, but then his feelings flipped so that self reflection was ultimately for nothing. I can't expect that his feelings will be consistent either way at this point because he has a very precarious sense of identity right now and isn't getting help, so I don't see the point in getting ahead of myself and trying to determine what sort of relationship I'm striving for if that possibility isn't even consistently on the table. It's definitely a cycle, where his intense feelings for me/desire to be with me phase in and out seemingly randomly.

I don't approach sex in an impersonal way at all - since his values have shifted our values in that area are very incongruent. I think I have trouble digesting that because he was so opposite for so long and underwent such a sudden change, but I have to accept that what I see is what I get right now.

That being said, I guess for now my only goal is releasing the negative emotions associated with the cheating - because of his ever-changing feelings/desires, how I live my life separate from him is the only thing I have full control over. It's exhausting being plagued by those memories and being riddled with anxiety and self-doubt at random throughout the day. I don't harbor any active anger towards him, but I think I do resent him a bit even while I love him so much. I'm not sure how to go about total "forgiveness" or how to accept that even though it doesn't make much sense or line up with my vision of my relationship/who my ex is, the cheating and the breakup happened and that's that.

I guess I thought that confronting my ex/the girl would allow me to finally feel heard and would be the last step in healing. It was empowering for sure and it halted my obsessive thought process where I analyzed why things happened and what I might have done to cause them. But I'm still pretty humiliated in general and I have a wounded sense of self-worth - I get caught up in a "why me" victimized mindset a lot. Sometimes it feels as though I'm still experiencing the hurt to the same magnitude that I did months ago when I was initially processing it all. I'm also ashamed that I have such a strong desire to be in his life after being treated so poorly and that I'm willing to endure so much emotional abuse to get any love/companionship/connection with him that I can, or that I feel so optimistic when he's in his "i love you phases" given the things he's done and given my knowledge that when his feelings go up, they'll inevitably come down and back again.

[nuthereggsheller]

Dear All Over the Place,

Yes, I have been in a similar situation as yours, though not quite as dramatic. There was cheating, then breaking up, then getting back together, then more cheating.  That was over 2 years ago and while I value "forgiveness" and have done everything I can think of to heal and let it go, the damage to our relationship for me is permanent. I don't think he is continuing to cheat, but I'm in a place of believing it could happen again at any time, because that is his track record. I can't tell you what to do, but I know I would be much happier if I had chosen to forgive another way - by getting out of the relationship and choosing a healthier life for myself. I said the same thing to myself as you are saying "I love him and I want to be with him" but I feel it was more an expression of my own hurt and desire to rescue a relationship. Those feelings have changed and right now I feel stuck and unhappy. I also have control of my life when I am away at work and I dance on eggshells at home around my BPD husband who is clueless to the damage he has caused/is causing another human being whom he says he loves and can't live without. Your situation sounds very damaging to you, and while I can't tell you what to do, it would be good to ask yourself if this is what you really want for the rest of your life... cuz that's a very long time to have someone hurt you.

[nuthereggsheller]

One more thought... I believe I made the decision I did at the time because I was emotionally damaged because of the situation and could not see and think clearly.  I would encourage you to get counseling to help you heal your heart so you can make your decisions with dignity and self-respect, and take your control back of your own life.  I hope that helps.