Splitsville

[WitzEndWife]

So, finally, I got an email with a letter from the President of our neighborhood association, banning my uBPDh and our hound for the rest of the year from the neighborhood dog park (they can re-apply next year). If folks have been following, this is after an incident where my dog was barking excessively (she's a hound), and H split on some lady who complained and screamed his head off at her, calling her every name in the book.

H has already split regarding this incident, and insisted that we sell the house and leave if he's banned. When I refused to do so, he threatened to leave me, but of course, that was short lived. Following that, there was a period of calm.

Today, after I forwarded him the email, he called me immediately, screaming that we needed to leave right now, saying that he was going to go confront the neighborhood president at his home. I told him that he would likely be arrested if he did that, and that I would not be chased out of my home over some incident in a dog park. Of course, he screamed at me and said he was leaving tonight, adding in a delightful, "Go *F* yourself!" before hanging up on me.

A couple of minutes on the phone and I'm already drained. I am not going to chase after him, obviously. It's doubtful he'll actually leave, as he never has before. He has too much to lose. I'm just stressed out wondering what I'll come home to. I know I can always leave if he starts raging out or complaining to me about this, so that's an option. It's been a long, stressful week and I just really do not want to deal with this.

[formflier]

 

So...you and your dog are still welcome in the park..right?

Remember...less is more.  Likely not a good idea to explain the consequences of their actions to them.

FF

[formflier]

So, finally, I got an email

Why did he email you instead of the person being banned?

How did you end up "in between" your husband and those banning him.

Wouldn't life be simpler to step aside? 

FF

[WitzEndWife]

FF - he emailed me because my email address is the one linked to our membership. I definitely agree it would have been easier for him to email my H directly, but he didn't have a way to contact him.

This weekend has been a total nightmare and it continues. On Friday, I came home to him and the hound gone, her food and meds taken as well. I remember feeling sad about the dog, and also this feeling of being kicked in the teeth. I felt like, no matter what I did or said, he was still going to devalue me and treat me like I was the problem. He came back a couple of hours later, revealing that he felt humiliated (shame trigger), and just could not be at home.

In the middle of the night, Friday night, he woke me up out of a DEAD sleep (rare for me), roaring and punching the mattress, getting up, breaking/throwing something, and punching himself in the head, going to the restroom, roaring a couple more times, then coming back to bed. I said and did nothing, other than comfort the hound when she jumped up on the bed, bewildered.

In the morning, I went to the other bedroom after getting up to feed the dogs, fearing he might wake up in a rage again. He did, roaring and screaming downstairs while he made breakfast. I got myself ready to go on a long walk with the other dog, but he cornered me downstairs and started raging about moving or confronting them in some way. I tried to keep my answers curt and minimal, but he kept going. He asked me to go house hunting with him, and I told him that I was going to go do what I wanted to do, because we always did what he wanted to do. Then he raged about me going and doing something without him. Stupidly, I said, "Well, you're welcome to come with me, so long as you don't discuss this matter and stay positive. I am going to take care of myself and have a good day today, and I'm not going to let you ruin it."

Halfway through the walk, when we were more than 2.5 miles away from home, he started in. I tried to walk away from him, but he kept following me, nattering on and on about the house situation. I admit, I finally lost it and argued back. I was at the end of my rope. I'm not proud of that, but there we are.

We got back home and he laid off for a short time, then took an extended nap (3+ hours). I made dinner and he finally came down and started watching the hockey game. Then, he suddenly got up and roared again, stomping around the house. I sat quietly in my chair, not saying a word, scrolling through my phone. But, again, he picked and picked and picked, and finally, I lost it. He had basically told me that if he didn't get what he wanted (moving), he would natter and torture me and make my life a living Hell until he got his way. I told him he could leave if he was going to treat me that way. He called me all kinds of awful names, saying he hated me and that I was a horrible wife.

I finally got him to leave the house. He texted back and forth. He said he was angry because I wasn't "helping." I said I was helping, he just didn't want to hear my help. He said he wanted me to just look at the listings and to help him find another dog park. I told him I would, on the condition that he would stop talking about this for at least 24 hours. He said he would agree to that. Of course, he didn't quite hold up his end of the bargain until Sunday afternoon.

Sunday afternoon, he was back to a more pleasant version of himself, thanking me for making dinner and complimenting my cooking. I thought we were on a road to recovery here. However, this morning, he started texting me to say that he was planning on preparing a statement for the next neighborhood meeting, and he expected me to be there to support him. I told him I didn't think that would be a good idea, and that I supported him emotionally, but I wasn't going to support him doing that. He raged at me and very forcefully said, "I'm going to do this and you are going to be there." I told him again that I supported him emotionally, but I did not support him confronting the neighborhood association. I told him all they needed to do would be to whip out the video of him screaming and it would be even more humiliation. He says he's proud of the video.

I'm firm that I won't be attending this meeting to see him make a fool of himself and create even more problems, but I'm scared of the rage and tantrums yet to come surrounding this. He already ruined my weekend. I have an extremely busy week at work, so I can't miss anything - otherwise I'd be heading out of town or something just to get away from him until this blows over. He is being nightmarish and I feel like I've been walking a tightrope between reinforcing my boundaries and trying to protect myself from his rage. I've told him that if he rages out in the house or breaks anything again, I'm calling the police. I'm finished playing this game.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WEW, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  You must be exhausted!  I suggest you focus on yourself and your needs.  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings about your marriage?  Suggest you be mindful of your own limitations and do what you need to do to take good care of yourself.  In my marriage to my BPDxW, I depleted my physical, emotional and financial resources, with the result that I had a crash landing, which was not fun.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

I can't imagine ANYTHING good coming from talking to him about another dog park, looking at listings..any of that.

It appears you agreed to that..if that is the case, own it..tell him you made a mistake by agreeing to it and won't be doing it.

Also, tell him you are available to talk to him calmly or not at all.  Somehow you need to double, triple..whatever your boundaries.

Next time he wakes you up I think you need to tell him to leave the room and leave you alone.  If he won't leave, leave yourself or call 911.  The rage and pounding is meant to intimidate and threaten you...to get his way.  

He can attempt to get his way through calm conversation or he can experience the consequences of intimidation and threats.  

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  

Did he break anything during his middle of the night thing?  Did he push you or dogs? (anything physical?)

FF

[formflier]

  "I'm going to do this and you are going to be there." 

Answering this was a mistake (IMO).  Can you reach out to your T and ask how you figured out when to answer and when to walk away.  Literally as in when to take your ears somewhere else.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Hi LuckyJim,

I feel pretty wrecked and raw today. I'm tired of this marriage. I'm tired of always battling for my boundaries. I don't want this. He's pushing me further and further away with this kind of behavior. This argument has gone round and round with several iterations. He states X is the only solution to his problem, I suggest Y and Z, he says I'm shutting down all of his solutions (X) and that I'm not supportive, I say I support him but not X, he says that if I loved him I'd support him and that I'm a horrible wife/not loyal, I say what about all the other things I've done to support him, he says if I don't support X then he is going to make my life miserable every day, I say he is not allowed to bully and harass me and if he does he will be asked to leave, he says he is leaving and taking the dog, I say he can take the dog when he has a good home for the dog, he says fine, nothing happens, then lather, rinse, repeat.

I've spent the past several months trying to focus on myself. I was feeling pretty good until this whole thing happened. I felt like I could deal with him without losing my cool. This kind of panicked obsession he gets puts me over my red line, no matter how much I try to stay above it.

Luckily, I can go to Toastmasters tomorrow night and I have a happy hour the following evening. I have no idea what I'll be coming home to tonight, but if it's bad, I guess I'll have to find somewhere to go for a bit. I hate that I can't just go home and relax. That would sure be nice. I'm trying to convince him to go out of town next weekend. Hopefully he will.

It's difficult just to get him out of the house for a little while. I can't imagine what it would be like to throw him out of my house for good. I don't even know how I'd do it. Some people have success with suggesting a temporary separation agreement. I don't know that would work in my case. It certainly would seem like the gentler option. I feel trapped, but I know this can't continue much longer. I can't take it.

[WitzEndWife]

FF,  I don't know if he broke something - it looked like he had something in his hand that he broke in the middle of the night. He did not do anything physical to me or the dogs. In fact, when I pointed out that he was scaring the dogs at one point, he went and petted them, which was incredibly annoying.

I am prepared to call the police if he does act out again. I told him so.

I'm exhausted after this weekend. I'm contacting my T later today - although she is aware of everything that happened.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WitzEndWife, Of course you're wrecked and raw.  You sound physically and emotionally worn out.  It's important to recognize your limitations, as I mentioned, and to take good care of yourself.  I didn't, and ended up crashing and burning, which I don't recommend.

This may sound simplistic, but in my view it all starts with self-love, which includes caring too much about yourself to allow yourself to be the object of someone else's abuse.  From what you describe, I would say that your H is trying to manipulate you through F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which includes his claims that you are unsupportive, disloyal, horrible, etc.

I recall going through problems at my job at the same time I was dealing with my BPD spouse.  I didn't look forward to work and didn't look forward to coming home, either.  The only relief was when I drove to and from my job!  I guess what I'm saying is, I know what it's like to return home with the expectation of a confrontation.

No, you can't go on this way.  Would it be possible for you to get away for a few days with a friend or family member?  It's time to re-group.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

Hey WitzEndWife, Of course you're wrecked and raw.  You sound physically and emotionally worn out.  It's important to recognize your limitations, as I mentioned, and to take good care of yourself. 

Lucky Jim has nailed it.

I happened to have a long drive after my last post and I was thinking about your situation...what I posted and didn't post.

The exhaustion came through the post.  You can't..simply can't make decisions in that state.

Couple things...

You understand that you can't change to accommodate him.  Middle of the night rages just don't work.

The message can be delivered simply and succinctly.  Change your behavior or leave...I'm not going to live my life in a state of exhaustion.

I would ask your T to help you craft the message better...but you get the gist of it

Is there really another option?

FF

[Lucky Jim]

The message can be delivered simply and succinctly.  Change your behavior or leave...I'm not going to live my life in a state of exhaustion.
I would ask your T to help you craft the message better...but you get the gist of it
Is there really another option?

Hey WEW, formflier put that well.  No, you can't go on like this.  Something has to give, in my view, or you are likely to suffer a collapse of some sort.

It doesn't necessarily have to be an all-or-nothing proposition.  You can start by taking the steps that are right for you.  You don't need his permission to make a change.  You're not responsible for the well-being of another adult.  You're in charge of your own life, so do what you need to do in order to be happy.

Keep us posted,
LJ

[formflier]

I would add to the message that you want him to stay.  Further explain that your feelings for him don't override the need for basic health for both of you...sleep is part of basic health.

Hoping you got a good nights sleep last night.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks both FF and LuckyJim. Luckily last night he came down a bit, so I got a break. He didn't mention it at all. If he goes away this weekend, it will give me some time to recharge. I'm still pushing for that.

My T is always pushing for me to focus on me and not worry about what he's doing or what he's going to do. I was getting fairly good at it, although I'm afraid I still do sort of consider him before I do certain things, especially on the weekends. Or I end up bending my plans based on what he wants to do. I know this is not the right way to be. Sometimes it's because I don't have a strong preference either way. Other times it's because I don't feel like getting into a back and forth over something. It's not that I'm isolated or not allowed to do things on my own, but he does automatically monopolize a lot of my time. He never wants to run errands on his own, for example. He always wants me to come with him. If I say I don't feel like going to Lowe's, we get into an argument. On my weekends, I tend to opt for immediate stress relief, rather than the long term of holding a boundary, for example. I know that's not the right thing to do and I know he's got me in a FOG, but it is very hard to get out of. He is extremely manipulative, more than any person I've ever met. He hounds and hounds and hounds until he gets what he wants. And you're right, there's something about him guilting me and saying I'm a bad person that gets me. It's definitely something I'm working on in therapy.

[formflier]

Hey...can you do some word for word on the Lowes argument?  That would seem to be simple to make better.

Every little bit helps..

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Let me think...

H: Hey, we need to run some errands today.
Me: Well, I was planning to go to the gym and get some things done around the house.
H: I NEED to go to Lowe's.
Me: Okay, go to Lowe's. I'm not stopping you.
H: We do this together. I want to run errands with my wife.
Me: I don't want to go to Lowe's. I want to work out.
H: Why can't you work out afterward?
Me: I know I won't go if I don't go now.
H: Well, we need things for the house. I don't want to go by myself. I want to spend time with you.
Me: Ugh, fine, whatever!

[It usually goes something like that]

[formflier]

OK...

Now...rewrite it with a couple things in mind.

You like the together idea

Lets make a plan for the future to do Lowes together

You appreciate he wants to be with you.

(zero jade about what you are going to do)...zero. 

Here is the thing..perhaps you planned to pick your toe cheese..belly button fuzz or whatever.  You have plans...he is not privvy to all the plans.  He is privvy to plans you have made together on terms that you both are happy with.

Then..just do it..

Seriously..re-write it...make it work for you.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Other times it's because I don't feel like getting into a back and forth over something. It's not that I'm isolated or not allowed to do things on my own, but he does automatically monopolize a lot of my time. He never wants to run errands on his own, for example. He always wants me to come with him.

Right, we've all (or most of us have) done things to "keep the peace" and avoid a long "back and forth," which I view as as form of walking on eggshells.  It's an unhealthy dynamic, in my view, because it creates a dependency whereby your H need not run errands on his own and you are afraid or reluctant to go against his expectations rather than do what you prefer to do on your own, to get some exercise.  As a result, both of you are caught up in this dance with the end result that your H gets his way and your efforts to work out are frustrated.

Why do you think you are so caught up in his efforts to manipulate you?  So far, his arm-twisting seems to be working.

LJ

[WitzEndWife]

I agree with FF on how to handle that - good solution. As for your question, LuckyJim, I have been trying to figure out what I'm so afraid of. I think it's his devaluation of me. There's something triggering there. I think, growing up, I was so often rejected because I was smart or creative or shy, and didn't have fancy or trendy clothes, and I was treated so horribly by my first real boyfriend in high school, that I guess I found that I was valuable by being useful or helpful to a significant other. I'm no Florence Nightingale - I'm not a motherly or nurturing type, so the whole need to take care of someone doesn't fit me, but using my smarts and being able to solve problems has always been the only thing I felt I really had going for me, I guess. And I lived on verbal praise (that's my "love language"). I found that if I was smart in a helpful way, I was valuable. However, with many of my relationships, if I got "too smart," or made them feel inadequate, I was devalued.

I guess being verbally devalued and being deemed a horrible person cuts me to the core. The worst is when he calls me a "moron" or insults my education in some way (I have an MA, he did not complete high school). There's something about falling from grace in someone's eyes who has put me so high up at times that terrifies me. Hmm...interesting.   

[formflier]

Now..here is the thing with "FF method".

When you tell him now isn't a good time, but tomorrow at 2pm seems great...and you are looking forward to shopping with him...tomorrow at 2pm you need to go to Lowes.  Invite him.  If he flips out and does something else..let him.  You follow through on your plans you have made.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WEW, 

Like you, I was naive and easily manipulated by my BPDxW.  Here's how I learned to defuse manipulation:

The first step is to recognize when someone is trying to manipulate you, usually through Fear, Obligation or Guilt.  For me, I sense a pressure.  It's a feeling that someone is twisting one's arm.

After recognizing it, the next step is to laugh at it, ignore it, or call the person's bluff, but don't give in to it.  Let the manipulator know that you recognize what is happening and you're not going to give in to arm twisting.  You're sending a message to the manipulator that he/she is hitting rock, and won't get anywhere with his/her attempts to manipulate.  You can also use a "broken record" by repeating the same message: e.g., No, thanks, I'm not going/not doing that/don't have time for that, etc.

You get the idea.

LJ

[WitzEndWife]

I think my logical mind knows what's going on when he does that, but there's some part of me that thinks, "What if...?" Like, "What if I really am a horrible person?" Or not even so much that, but "What if he really thinks I'm a horrible person?" I know that's not logical, because obviously he doesn't really mean what he says, and he's just acting out, I just have a hard time getting past the FOG feelings. I guess it takes practice, just like holding boundaries when he threatens to leave. Now, I'm like, "Fine, leave," knowing that he won't because he stands to lose more than I would. It took taking the risk of him just walking out to realize that he wouldn't actually do something so drastic.

[formflier]

I think a little bit of nuance might help you here.

"What if he really see's me as I am?" or "What if his view of me is more accurate than my view of me?"

In this instance the issue is "horrible person".  Really the question is (IMO) why let someone else judge you? 

I certainly believed that a spouse would "help" me see things in myself that I needed to look at to grow and mature.  Frankly for 15 years of marriage that actually happened.  It's one thing for someone to point something out from a place of love/concern...versus something being pointed out from a place of "persecution" or "victimhood"

Think "place of love" versus "I've been done in and YOU did it to me because you are xyz"

Here is the part that I think you (WEW) should examine.  When that last statement is made it somehow "hooks" you. 

Hopefully we can identify the hook...and care for that.

Best,

FF