The stress of a stress test.

[highlife]

My husband (BP) has health issues and today I went with him to a clinic for a "stress test" which consists of walking on a treadmill.  The usual happened.  He would not wait for his turn, so he re-scheduled for another date, where probably the same thing will happen if he even makes it there.  It takes time to go to the appointment and return home, so what is an extra half hour or so to wait?  There is always waiting time with medical appointments.  It's unfortunate but that's the way it is and no surprise.  The trip there and back was a nightmare as he criticized everything I did.  I ruined his breakfast, and on and on until finally I got told off for having no conversation.  How am I supposed to have a conversation after a constant deluge of criticism?  I know he was stressed over the "stress test", it's ok, you can laugh as I am sure you can relate to the situation.  I tried not to go but could not get out of it.  Of course, when I go to the doctor I go alone and practically take my life into my hands to get medical attention.  I have alot of work to do and now, as usual, I am too upset and am on this board instead of carrying on as normal.  I know it's a constant theme: you go to do something normal with a bp and the next thing you are too upset to function.  I'm like alot of people, just fed up with having to cope with upset.  Thanks for listening!

[Cat Familiar]

To quote Tom Petty, "The waiting is the hardest part." My husband gets stressed when the grocery store line has more than three people. 

I remember times when he was standing in the "10 items or less" line with the little basket and I showed up with a couple more things. He looked sick when he realized we needed to switch to the regular line.

So what I don't do now is shop with him. It alleviates a lot of stress for me as well.

Undoubtedly your husband was very stressed, worrying about his health and you were collateral damage. What are you going to do about his next appointment?

[highlife]

I think I will mark the next appointment on the calendar and not go with him.  He does not follow thru on tests the doctors order and then plays one doctor off the other and complains how they do not follow up.  I think they just give up because what can they do if the patient won't provide the information they need to make a diagnosis.  Our health care system is overloaded so if you don't advocate for yourself, they can't help you.  I think I will just stay out of it.  One doctor offered counselling and my husband refused.  I am willing to go but I am not the patient.  I'll just look after my own health the best I can.

[stolencrumbs]

To quote Tom Petty, "The waiting is the hardest part." My husband gets stressed when the grocery store line has more than three people.  

I remember times when he was standing in the "10 items or less" line with the little basket and I showed up with a couple more things. He looked sick when he realized we needed to switch to the regular line.

So what I don't do now is shop with him. It alleviates a lot of stress for me as well.

Undoubtedly your husband was very stressed, worrying about his health and you were collateral damage. What are you going to do about his next appointment?

It never really occurred to me that this might be BPD-related. I can't count the number of grocery carts that my wife has "abandoned." At first I was bewildered. Like, it just didn't compute. Then I came to expect it. "Oh, we're abandoning the cart now, okay." Then we just stopped shopping together (really, I just started doing most of the grocery shopping.)

She also gets frustrated with doctors. She has tried to leave the ER twice, once pulling out an IV and trying to get dressed on a night she ended up having an emergency appendectomy. The unstated policy we seem to have now is that I will go with her to scheduled appointments, but I won't go to rescheduled appointments if she abandons the original one.

[highlife]

Thank you both for replying.  I think that's a good policy of not going to the re-scheduled appointment.  The sad part is I do care and his health is deteriorating but there doesn't seem to be much I can do.  He wants sympathy but no action and if I don't sit there and keep my mouth shut and commiserate, I am a "bad wife".  Pointing out tests will lead to treatment just causes anger.  I can't support someone neglecting themselves and blaming it on the doctors.  I guess there is  reason behind this behaviour but it is very self-destructive.

[stolencrumbs]

Yes, it is very hard to hear from my wife that I don't care about her health. I hear that fairly frequently. Like you, I know that isn't true. That's what I hang on to. She can successfully make me question a lot of things, but I know with absolute certainty that I am concerned and do care about her health, and I know I will support her in getting any treatment or diagnosis she wants to pursue. But yeah, sitting around and blaming others isn't supporting her health. It is really hard, but there probably isn't a lot you can do. In my experience, the motivation to go see a doctor has to come from my wife. The most success I have had is to make some light suggestions, or a quick comment, or maybe tell her about a good doctors visit that I had, or say I talked to so-and-so and they really liked this doctor. Anything more than that (and sometimes even that) causes her to get angry. But sometimes a few days after I suggest something, she makes an appointment and pretends like it was all her idea, which is fine. I just want her to take care of her health.

[highlife]

Thank you, I will give it a try.  Trying to help someone who has a number of physical aliments is hard at the best of times and when you are dealing with someone who isolates you and they are practically the only person you see, it really gets to you.  I have so much to learn in setting boundaries and all the tactics, this board really helps.  But often the situation is impossible when my husband gets on a roll and I find as physical health deteriorates, so does mental health, which is true for all of us, bp or not.  In the meantime, spring has arrived where I live and I am going to do my best to enjoy it!

[Red5]

99, ah' yes ; (

*hospitalization, medical appointments, out patient doctors visits… both uBPDw, and I as well... lots of 'war stories' to tell… now I understand, BPD 'out in the open'.

I'll share two stories… uBPDw was in the hospital undergoing treatments, and on discharge day, she gave the floor nurse some BPD attitude, I didn't rescue, so we had to "wait"… so we waited, and the more we waited, the more agitated uBPDw became… long story cut to the end, when we finally did get discharged, it was after six PM, over three hours past the time we were set to leave… all because uBPDw went 1V1 with the floor nurse… so we got to sit on the freeway in Raleigh traffic for hours resultant… and somehow that was my fault?

Story #2, I had one of those over fifty things to do, you know, the borescope up the aft torpedo compartment escape hatch things… so they had to "put me out"… when I came to, and was released, the doc told me, "its going to be about an hour till this stuff wears off Red, so you may slip in and out for a while", this is the reason uBPDw drove me, and sat with me, as no way I could drive… so we are going home, she wants to go shopping, and stop by this place, and that place… I kept on "slipping away", and then waking back up... witch… (oops, "freudian slip" there  )… which only seemed to make her quite angry… uh' no, it infuriated her ; (

It was a long day, and afternoon… yes, all BPD related behaviors…

The grocery store checkout line… more "great" stories to tell here too… time for one… Red5 does NOT like the self checkout line… I'm getting better, but it took a few years… I will only use it if its a "few things", when we are loaded down below the waterline, I like to do the checkout line… but not uBPDw, .. NO!… so I let her do what she wants (impatient, can't wait in line)… to try to sidestep a dysregulation right there in the "Harry's Tweater" ()… so you can guess, about every other item, the scanner would "flake out" and a clerk would have to come and "clear the stoppage"… each time making uBPDw more and more agitated… I so wanted to say "told you so!"… but Red5 knew better   , as that would have resulted in a "walk-away" or else further beatings about the "stack and swivel" once we got back to the house…

We all got the same stories don't we  

I love my wife, yes I do, she is a total pain in my arse… and we've been separated now for almost five months… but I miss her, and I love her…

Red5

[highlife]

Yes, I love my husband too but the torment of living with the bp personality is becoming too much.  I am considering separation but I can't imagine what I will be put through.  This board really gives me perspective and helps to make me realise it's not me.  I get the constant blame and then the upset and depression that follows.  I try to set limits and boundaries but seem to fail miserably all the time.  I can't make a decision or even leave the house without interference.  This situation has always been there but with my husband's declining health it is getting worse and worse.  So I am torn but in the end I guess I will have to save myself one way or another because this is no way to live.  I am losing my out-going personality and energy and am sinking with him.  I had better start swimming!  Time to look after myself, learn from this board and make some decisions.