Even though this woman was mean and vile to me at times I still miss her dearly

[dunkinflavor]

Hi,

My situation is somewhat complicated as it is with my best friend with undiagnosed BPD who can also be considered an ex. We had a very intense, toxic on and off again relationship about 3 years ago. We had many, many fights during this time. After a year of going back and forth, she wanted to get back with her ex, but we managed to stay friends. This only developed into a very unhealthy co-dependent friendship. We still had huge fights and I would now get pulled into her risky behavior (her behavior resulted in me getting robbed by an uber driver once, yet I didn't hold it against her). Things got even harder when I met my current girlfriend. My pwuBPD couldn't handle that I was giving anytime or attention to someone else. It caused a huge fight between us on my 21st birthday when she pushed me into a wall then got everyone to leave my party. After that, I worked very hard to set boundaries for the past year.

It was going well this year. I thought that she was perhaps growing. Her and my girlfriend started to like each other. I felt great with the new boundaries as I was able to have a very happy relationship with my girlfriend and also see my best friend once or twice a month (with many many phone calls in between). I believe that this distance helped me pick up on some of the traits of BPD. Just seeing the way that she would talk about our other friends (splitting), the dangerous behavior started to get worse (she was always promiscuous, but now she began to use harder drugs as well), and her struggle with suicide (has been hospitalized 2 times for it). Again, things were fine between us until she began to cut each one of my friends out one by one. She first blew up on our college friend, then her longtime friend. Around this time I mentioned that she had thrown a drink at me on my uncle's birthday the previous year (he had passed that year, we were very close, so I was very upset on his birthday). I only brought it up because it had been making me upset and she quickly brushed it off saying that she didn't remember doing that. The next few days, I could feel that I would be the next to be cut off.

This time around, she said very hurtful things about me in regards to my current girlfriend being physically assaulted a few months ago. She said that I enjoyed it and this struck a different chord than all of her past verbal attacks did. She also got very upset that I brought up the drink throwing incident. She asked why I make her the villain and why am I always the victim of her. This made me very upset, as I have spent so much time walk on eggshells, telling her that she wasn't a bad person despite what had happened in the past. Normally, I would let things cool down, but she went on twitter this time and continued to say hurtful things on there as well (posted for the public to see). After all this, I opened up to my mom and my girlfriend about what I had been going through these past few years and they are very adamant that I cut her out for good, which is what I want to do but it is so hard.

It will mark one month NC on the 27th, which also happens to be my birthday. I dreading that she won't text me and dreading that she will text me. I'm in a lot of pain because this was my best friend that I have now lost. The rest of my friend group has also not necessarily taken her side, but they prefer to hang out with her (yes, all the ones she had previously cut off are now back in her circle). I feel myself withdrawing from them. My girlfriend leaves for 3 and half months soon and I am not sure how I can cope with all this. She (pwBPD) really was my best friend and this loss is so overwhelming. I have been able to talk to my girlfriend about it, but it is every day now that I am having a breakdown over it. I apologize if this was lengthy or confusing, there is honestly still so much that I left out. It would help to talk with people who understand it. That even though this woman was so mean and vile to me at times, I still miss her dearly.

[once removed]

hi dunkinflavor, and

losing a best friend is hard. its not really made any easier when that person has hurt us, and we dont necessarily see much choice.

does she know that the friendship is over?

[dunkinflavor]

I believe so. She heard wrongly from mutual friends that I don’t want tit all to her again, which has led her to think that I hate her. There is a lack of closure here and many things getting mixed up in a game of telephone. I would like to reach out and clear things up, so at least she doesn’t think I hate her but I’m hesitant to break no contact. I feel like I would just end up forgiving her and the cycle would begin again.

[once removed]

its a tough call.

it could open more wounds than it would close to contact her. on the other hand, you have a long history and it sounds like youd prefer it didnt end like this.

what about tabling it? you dont have to act now.

[dunkinflavor]

That’s what I was thinking. My birthday is in two days so I’m just trying to get through that, although I’m constantly thinking about if she is going to reach out to me at all.

I have been thinking lately that if I were to come back to this, that I would have to put many boundaries in place (don’t want her around my family or my girlfriend because she crossed lines with them often) but I am not sure if that is the best call or not.

Thank you for replying!

[Sandb2015]

Dunkinflavor,

It’s YOUR birthday, your birthday.  How many will you get?

Enjoy the hell out of your birthday and surround yourself with people who love you, promote you and want the best for you, that is power.

[dunkinflavor]

Hi Sand,

Your advice really stuck with me this weekend and I ended up having a great birthday so thank you for that.

She’s now saying that she is in love with me, but she has said this many times before whenever I have not talk to her in a bit, so I see it more as a way to pull me back in. I’m ignoring it, except she is posting about her love for me on Twitter, which is embarrassing for both me and my girlfriend because we all share many mutual friends. 

[once removed]

I’m ignoring it

theres not a lot thats constructive that you can do with it, thats for sure. seems best to give it/her a wide berth.