ex BPD wife did not show... but why? or should I even care

[Sluggo]

My daughter had her first communion.  It was my weekend.  I invited the Ex to the after party (as a courtesy as I knew she would not come).  However, to my surprise she did not even show up for the Church service.  She is very pious outwardly so this through me off balance.  The child sits with their parents in a separate area and go up for communion in a special procession with the parents during the mass. 

I asked my 7yr old after mass started, if mom told her she was not coming, she said that she was coming.  However, mom never showed up.  Daughter never seemed too worried she was not there (as least that is how she seemed).  However it did bother me a lot.  It was much more pleasant without my ex there but felt sad for my daughter (felt sad about the divorce- even though I filed and much better dad and person since I did file). 

I have 7 kids with ex.  The oldest- 18 and in college- is severely alienated and will not talk with me.  The 17, 15, 12 are getting better since I left in 2016.  The younger 3 have always been 'normal' towards me as a dad. 

So maybe I should be happy I had a great day with my daughter... and leave it at that.  I must say I am sad that we can't co-parent.  My ex is not present at the drop off or pick up (court order says I have to do both) which is nice as there is no drama at the exchange since she is not there.  But kids have not seen us at the same place at the same time in a couple of years. 

thoughts? Is this par for course for these milestone events. 

PS:  Another milestone event coming up is my Senior graduation open house taking place in 4 weeks.  My ex-BPD requested me to give her the kids that day.  I heard it was my daughters grad open house party through the parents who are putting the party on.  My ex did not tell me about the party even though I asked her directly if that was the day of her party.  Her response was...  just tell me whether you are going to let me have the kids or not.  I don't have to tell you about my social calendar.  This is the same daughter that I was not invited to her Quincierra party. 

[worriedStepmom]

My non-BPD ex didn't show up for our oldest's baptism.  D didn't seem to care.

My SD11's uBPDmom does not attend most events, using the excuse that she doesn't want to be around me. The only exception she makes is for school band concerts - and if she goes, mom will not approach SD for a hug or to say "great job!" until my husband and I have left the building. 

Mom has never seen her daughter play soccer (through 5 years of playing spring and fall) and saw 2 gymnastics practices (over 2 years of twice a week).  Mom promised SD multiple times to go to a soccer game and never showed up.  Mom will not go to meet-the-teacher night with SD.  H brings SD and mom goes later to introduce herself and tell the teachers I'm a wicked stepmother (I don't go to those with H and SD - I have an older kid in the same school so I go with her). 

This has been going on for years.  SD truly doesn't seem to care anymore.   However, I missed a soccer game because I had the flu and she cried for a long time.  Because she expects that I will be always be there...and that mom never will be.   

[kells76]

thoughts? Is this par for course for these milestone events.

For us, it sort of depends on which kid it is. Generally their mom likes to be there at all the events. If it was SD13's stuff Mom was typically always there. Recently, Mom hasn't been at SD11's dance "parent observation" classes. She made it to the first one but has been "too busy" or "forgot" the other... IDK, 4 or so. This may be because the dance studio is "my turf" and Mom might be passively expressing her displeasure that SD11 takes a class there. Also, SD13 has been more of the "golden child" and SD11 the "scapegoat" at Mom's. SD13 was the nexus for a lot of the conflict between Mom & DH, so it seemed like Mom was always there "supporting" SD13 at all the events. Lots of power plays.

maybe I should be happy I had a great day with my daughter

Sounds like a winning strategy! 

Her response was...  just tell me whether you are going to let me have the kids or not.  I don't have to tell you about my social calendar.

LOL, then I guess if she can't specifically say, "Hey, would you be up for trading weekends? I'd love to be able to take the kids to the grad party. Let me know if there would be any issues", then it must not matter that much (EYE ROLL)

I mean, you could say "Sorry, that won't work this weekend", and what would she do -- be mad because you won't let her have the kids for the party that you don't know exists? (Answering my own question, Yes, but you get the idea -- don't do her legwork for her).

My SD11's uBPDmom does not attend most events, using the excuse that she doesn't want to be around me. The only exception she makes is for school band concerts - and if she goes, mom will not approach SD for a hug or to say "great job!" until my husband and I have left the building. 

I wonder if in a way uBPDmom is being completely honest -- she doesn't have the resources to be around you. The best she can do is waiting until you & husband leave to talk w/ SD. That's just what she is able to do. Kind of interesting how "honest" people can be without meaning it.

I must say I am sad that we can't co-parent.

I agree. With SD13's recent "what would you say if I said I was a boy" conversation, I just think things would go a lot smoother if (a) Mom would tell us what she knew, and (b) if it felt safe for us to tell Mom what we'd heard. As it is, I'm hearing through SD13 that Mom has already offered to help buy a boy-type swim outfit for her. Might be nice if Mom shared that with us. Sadly, last time I brought up "Hey, SD13 mentioned X about her body/growing up, has she said that to you", it gave Mom a platform to say how "of course SD13 has talked to me about it, but she didn't want me to tell you and DH, and she was going to wait to tell you until she felt comfortable". I just don't have a lot of energy for her sermons any more. I wish it were different.

[Panda39]

I have had similar feelings about my ex.  I am sad that he has very little contact with our son, it upsets me when he doesn't acknowledge important days, and milestones in my son's life.  I couldn't do that in a million years.

But to my son it (sadly) truly doesn't matter, because his father was never a father even when we were together and lived in the same house.  My son's father was an alcoholic, drinking was the priority.

So the worries, sadness, and disappointment about his dad's behaviors and limitations are mine but they are not my son's.  He doesn't have these feelings because he never had the expectation that his father would do any of the things I wish he would.

It sounds like your daughter had a good day, like me the worries about her mother's attendance sound like they were more yours not so much your daughters.  Let it go appreciate the time you had together and she will remember it was you that showed up for her.

kells this just cracked me up    I too recognize the "read my mind" thing and even though we might be able to it doesn't mean we have to or should.

I mean, you could say "Sorry, that won't work this weekend", and what would she do -- be mad because you won't let her have the kids for the party that you don't know exists? (Answering my own question, Yes, but you get the idea -- don't do her legwork for her).

Panda39

[zachira]

It is so hard for a child to have a parent that absents herself/himself from important events in the child's life like a First Communion and is inconsistent in the child's life, like not appearing for planned time with the child. The child often thinks that he/she is unloved and it is his/her fault that the parent did not show. The child learns that he/she cannot count on the unconditional love of the parent which can create long term problems with self esteem and relationships. It can help to have the child in therapy so that he/she has a safe place to share their concerns about the inconsistency of one parent as it is hard for the child to complain to one parent about the other. It is important to address the mother's no shows at important events, particularly for the youngest children, as they are the most likely to feel unloved and defective from the parent's inconsistencies in love and support. Do let your children know that you love them no matter what, and do explain why you or their mother are not present at certain important events while reinforcing how you will always love them.

[ForeverDad]

kells76 made a good point, one which was a huge issue early in my post-marriage parenting, when the other parent wants you to Gift time, ponder why you shouldn't respond with "I can trade time" or "I won't trade time".

Most of us experienced entitled ex-spouses who presume they deserve whatever changes they dictate.  If the ex doesn't appear for an event, how you view it (what a relief) may be different than how you handle it with the children (depending on their reactions).  You can't live the ex's life for her, protect her from herself nor demand the ex parent better.  Odds are, if the ex consistently listened to you, you'd probably still be married.

[MeandThee29]

It is so hard for a child to have a parent that absents herself/himself from important events in the child's life like a First Communion and is inconsistent in the child's life, like not appearing for planned time with the child. The child often thinks that he/she is unloved and it is his/her fault that the parent did not show. The child learns that he/she cannot count on the unconditional love of the parent which can create long term problems with self esteem and relationships. It can help to have the child in therapy so that he/she has a safe place to share their concerns about the inconsistency of one parent as it is hard for the child to complain to one parent about the other. It is important to address the mother's no shows at important events, particularly for the youngest children, as they are the most likely to feel unloved and defective from the parent's inconsistencies in love and support. Do let your children know that you love them no matter what, and do explain why you or their mother are not present at certain important events while reinforcing how you will always love them.

Mine are young adults, and I really didn't grasp the effects of consistently only having one parent there for a long time. Yes, there were reasons why at times, but the cumulative effect of that over most of their childhoods was that they determined deep within that he didn't care. He blamed me for that, but children can't be expected to fully I process  when one parent is involved in the significant events of their lives and one is not for whatever reason. They process it as rejection if it becomes a pattern.

I'll never forget one event where one of my children cried all the way home from an event because all of the other fathers were there but theirs. They had put in a huge amount of effort on a costumed presentation and didn't get recognition at home either. I reassured them of my love and admiration. That's all I could do. But I knew that this wasn't an isolated event. It was the accumulation of years of that.

The sad result of so many years is that they only want me at their events now. At the graduations they say that I'm the one that raised them and the one that deserves to be there. It's really awkward of course and angers their father.

Oh, the long-term affects of these things.

[StillHopeful73]

I think that it highly depends on the child on whether he/she is affected and/or how much he/she is affected. And I'm sure that it might fluctuate over the years. I can honestly say that our daughter has been quite happy when her dad has cancelled or done a no-show (due to him sleeping through his alarm or being late). But I'm sure that there are moments sometimes when she is expecting him and is disappointed. So far she hasn't shown it outwardly though and there haven't been too many missed milestone events such as yours thankfully. I'm sure you being there as the dependable parent makes up hugely for your ex not being there at times though (especially if this continues moving forward).

My uBPD ex will be very interested in attending our daughter's activities but then disappear periodically. He actually slept through her pick-up from aftercare a few weeks ago but the aftercare lady was meeting my sister-in-law/niece for dinner and asked if she could bring our daughter (she's very involved with the kids). So in that case she was thrilled to be included. He showed up at my place an hour later all disheveled and was trying to show me on his phone that the aftercare hadn't called him since it was his night (he said that the call would have woken him up - they apparently had his old phone#)...like it was their fault he slept through the pick-up. Anyways, in that instance it worked out for the better.

The "read my mind" comment made me laugh. It appears this is a common occurrence for many with BPD ex's/partners. My uxBPD would periodically send me a map of his driving route (he drives a transport truck). I had no idea why he was sending it to me but didn't think much of it as he would send me random things at that time. Turns out he was trying to communicate that he would be home the next day so that he could pick up our daughter after school. Apparently I should have just known that from him sending me a route map with no explanation .

I'd like to say that it isn't par for the course but in all likelihood it will happen again. In my instance though my BPD ex was with a partner for about 4 years who was awesome (we got along well). In their time together, there were very few drama episodes or missed pick-ups etc. I miss her actually as she really helped with him being consistent and present. Maybe that will happen once your ex is with someone...

[Sluggo]

Mom has never seen her daughter play soccer (through 5 years of playing spring and fall) and saw 2 gymnastics practices (over 2 years of twice a week).  Mom promised SD multiple times to go to a soccer game and never showed up.  Mom will not go to meet-the-teacher night with SD.  H brings SD and mom goes later to introduce herself and tell the teachers I'm a wicked stepmother (I don't go to those with H and SD - I have an older kid in the same school so I go with her)

Thank you worriedstepmom... 

It is really sad to read that.  It is interesting the reaction she had when you missed the one game.  I get the feeling also that my 7yr old daughter doesn't really seem to care either. 

I appreciate you sharing.   

[Sluggo]

So the worries, sadness, and disappointment about his dad's behaviors and limitations are mine but they are not my son's.  He doesn't have these feelings because he never had the expectation that his father would do any of the things I wish he would.

It sounds like your daughter had a good day, like me the worries about her mother's attendance sound like they were more yours not so much your daughters.  Let it go appreciate the time you had together and she will remember it was you that showed up for her.

Thank you Panda.  I believe you are right that these are my worries and not really hers.  It is sad for me.
  I wonder if it is an attempt of xBPDwife to try to try to 'punish me' saying... see what you caused.  Or again, maybe not about me at all, and just exBPDwife not caring or knows she might disregulate being close to me.   

The older kids were there at the mass.  I did not ask them about  mom but they did not mention it either.  I wonder what they thought. 

[Sluggo]

child learns that he/she cannot count on the unconditional love of the parent which can create long term problems with self esteem and relationships

Zacria,

You know...  I think I felt that with my ex in our relationship.  I tried to do everything that I knew would not disregulate her.  It was a moving target and found that I could not keep up.  Then she would blow up and say she will divorce me which was my 'panic button'.  I never felt that unconditional undercurrent of love as it many times arguments and afterwards were couched with divorce language, long periods of silence, caustic and degrading comments. 

I share that becuase I know how it felt and I was suppose to be an adult.  I can't imagine how that is for the kids.  I saw that behavior when we were married with them.  I carry a lot of shame for allowing that to happen to them when we were married. 

Do let your children know that you love them no matter what, and do explain why you or their mother are not present at certain important events while reinforcing how you will always love them.

Yes...  that is my mantra in telling them and trying as best I can in my actions.   I just said to her about that event was she probably got super busy and lost track of time.   

[Sluggo]

Most of us experienced entitled ex-spouses who presume they deserve whatever changes they dictate.  If the ex doesn't appear for an event, how you view it (what a relief) may be different than how you handle it with the children (depending on their reactions).  You can't live the ex's life for her, protect her from herself nor demand the ex parent better. 

FD,

Great points.  Yes you nail it with 'entitled ex-spouses' who dictate the changes.  That is what happened in our prelim agreement.  I let her dictate the terms of agreement which was what I was used to doing.  It has been a devestating and costly mistake I made.  In hindsight, I can see how I did it but now know I am not that same person.   

I have got much better at it and it has been empowering.  I was a 'yes' person in our marriage.  I was 'scared' to say something even after separation, but I have started to thinking about 'what do I want' and respond accordingly.   Before it was, ok how can I make it work so I can answer yes to her.

Odds are, if the ex consistently listened to you, you'd probably still be married

That made me laugh out loud.  So true.  There was no compromise in our relationship.  As I became stronger (or better said I started being more honest with her about my opinions) things escalated significantly and very quickly until I requested for divorce

[Sluggo]

Still hopefull and Mendthee,

Thank you for you comments and sharing.  Yes the long term effects are sad, and sometimes can feel the pain of my decisions more on days like these milestone markers. 

 

[Harri]

Hi Sluggo.

I agree that this sort of thing can have long lasting effects on your child and that validating and giving all of your kids unconditional love is really all you can do.

another thing I want to mention touches on what Panda said about this being about your feelings and emotions more than your daughters.  

Kids take their cues from adults.  How to respond, how to handle their emotions, how to think about things.  So yes, feel disappointed and even sad, but try to keep that away from your daughter.

Next time try to see if she wants to talk about her thoughts on mom not showing rather than saying she was probably busy.

I can't imagine how that is for the kids.

 Yep, exactly.  If we as adults have a hard time, imagine the kids.  

You did what you knew at the time and when you learned better, you changed.  That is all anyone can really do.