Feeling very guilty

[Zabava]

I'm feeling very guilty right now because I have shared way more here, with my therapist and with friends than I have with my spouse.  I'm not sure why, but I guess on some level I don't trust him with my feelings and I don't want to be judged.  His childhood was devoid of violence and substance abuse.  He saw some of the dysfunction firsthand but he has no idea  about how difficult my childhood was.  I've felt a great sense of relief sharing here and realizing I'm not alone.  But at the same time it makes me realize how isolated I feel in my day to day life. 

As I've posted about before, the last two years have been very hard and my depression was very, very bad and yet, my husband apparently never noticed.  I was deeply distressed in a few ocassions and turned to friends for support.

Not sure what it means if anything, but I feel guilty about it.

[Libra]

Hello Zabava,

I have been following your threads from the sideline. You are very courageous in choosing to face your inner demons and turmoil and in sharing your experiences and feelings here. 

I haven't shared much with my husband either. He does not have a similar background and he simply doesn't 'get' it as this community does. I do not think there is any need to feel guilty about this. We were taught not to have feelings and to cater for our pwBPDs feelings. It is okay to work on you though. It is healthy!

I am sorry your husband isn't aware of your struggles. What do you think would happen if you would tell him you are depressed and are trying to work through some issues, without going into detail?
It is good that you have friends that you can turn to. And you have this board too!

I feel privileged to know you and to learn of your story here on the boards.

 

Libra.

[Zabava]

Thanks Libra,

I am glad to meet you.  I will consider your advice, it is much appreciated.

[Harri]

As I've posted about before, the last two years have been very hard and my depression was very, very bad and yet, my husband apparently never noticed.

What makes you think he hasn't noticed?  Had you tried talking to him about what was going on?

What would you have wanted him to do or say?

[Zabava]

Hi Harri,

One particular evening comes to mind.  I was feeling overwhelmed by the stress of my daughter who was dealing with anxiety and in and out of high school, the death of my grandmother, my BPD sister splitting on me and my 14 year old son's violent outbursts about homework.  After a long day my son demanded I type his assignment for him (if I didn't, he would get angry and bang things and my husband would yell at him and I would be stuck in the middle)

I typed the homework and wept openly because I couldn't help it.  Neither son nor husband noticed.

The same night I walked to the lake with dark thoughts in my head. I calmed down and came back an hour later and no one noticed my absence. 

One of many times I felt alone.

[Harri]

So you wanted them to notice and reassure you?  Or was it something else you wanted from them?

Do you think if you had stated "I am upset and I am going for a walk, I'll be back in an hour" things might have been different?

[Zabava]

Harri,

I have been thinking about your question and I think I had an epiphany.  My husband and I rarely fight and both of us dislike conflict.  But duh me, I never had a role model for how to resolve conflicts; either my mother raged and won or the conflict ended in violence.  I never saw healthy give and take.  For his part my husband's father is a bit of a bully and his mum is either sad or passive agressive if there is conflict between them.

I also see the BPD in me storming off and hoping for attention.

Thanks for the reality check.  Lots for me to think about.

[Harri]

    

I also see the BPD in me storming off and hoping for attention.

OI am glad you saw this.

This behavior is associated with a lot of things other than BPD.  Not knowing how to deal with your own anger or how to self-soothe is playing a part in this as is your dislike of conflict.  A lot of people here respond the same way.  What matters is seeing it, seeing how it affects you and acting to change your behaviors.

Check out this here:  DBT Distress Tolerance Skills  and this discussion Distress Tolerance Skills.  Not all of it may fit for the situation you described but I think you can get a lot out of this.

 

[Zabava]

It's ironic that one of my biggest challenges is distress tolerance and at the same time I have extreme distress tolerance.  The example I gave came after I had pushed my feelings, patience, fatigue down and down so that my son got his work done, my daughter's anxiety was ok, my other daughter got attention, my BPD sister was ok, and dinner was made, house clean, clothes washed, birthday presents bought, in laws placated, husband felt special...I get angry and then feel hurt...but I 've come a long way since then and I keep trying to remember that I'm not a horrible person and it's going to be ok.  Which I believe 75 percent of the time.

[Harri]

Hi again. 

I've come a long way since then and I keep trying to remember that I'm not a horrible person and it's going to be ok.  Which I believe 75 percent of the time.

You are not a horrible person and yes, you have come a long way and it is going to be okay as you keep working on you and healing and learning new and better coping skills.

Believing all of that 75% of the time is a huge change for you so celebrate!  I know I am.

This is hard and I know it is because I too had to walk on a very similar path.  A lot of us have and many are on that path now.   

[Zabava]

Thanks Harri,

You seem very sane and grounded to me and I hope I can get there too.  I appreciate your perceptive and gentle guidance. 

[Harri]

You are welcome Zab but you did the hard work of not only listening but digging deep.   

It's ironic that one of my biggest challenges is distress tolerance and at the same time I have extreme distress tolerance.

Yeah, I have this 'talent' too,  the thing is, it is not distress tolerance.   Distress tolerance as talked about in DBT and CBT is learning to cope and regulate our emotions.  Hopefully we will get to the point where things do not build to an extreme.

Distress tolerance like you did the other night is not coping, it is avoiding, stuffing, and then exploding and using other poor coping skills.

I wish the article were called distress *management*.  haha

[Zabava]

I have realized my adolescence and early adulthood were characterized by BPD behaviours.  I kept the lid on my emotions for so long as a child that I was like a volcano of dysfunction.

I think maybe when I got married and had kids I put the lid back on the pressure cooker (for 18 years)