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Author Topic: Anyone get split black for not marrying your ex on their timetable?  (Read 424 times)
swimjim
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« on: May 13, 2019, 03:03:29 PM »

I'm just wondering if I would have kept her in love with me had I married her when she gave me a marriage ultimatum after dating 5 months. She kept me around for awhile when I did not succumb to her ultimatum. She would back  off every couple of weeks and then start another argument for not having a ring. After she was officially done with me, she had my replacement cemented in her hooks and he married her within a year. For those who did marry, would there always be another ultimatum they give you such as " I need a new car, house, kitchen remodeling etc?  She seemed so desperate and that was a little "off" to me. Any help would be greatly appreciated. 
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iluminati
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« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2019, 03:11:45 PM »

Honestly, yes.  In truth, I brushed most of them off.  For example, I bought a car right after we moved in together, because I needed one.  Of course, as cars age, they need regular servicing.  The A/C on my car in particularly needed some maintenance done.  My then-wife's response?  BUY A NEW CAR! 

I just learned to tell her No a lot.  Of course, that ended our marriage eventually, but there's always going to be something.  The issue is that due to their life experience, they believe that no one is ever going to be there for them, so they require their loved ones to prove it.  Repeatedly.  There comes a point where you can't prove it anymore.
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He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.~ Matthew 5:45
swimjim
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« Reply #2 on: May 13, 2019, 03:46:51 PM »

Thanks Illum for your response. Since I no longer have any contact with her, I often assume she is happily married. She easily replaced me after trying so hard that I will always be her soul mate. I can't wrap my head around this.
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Granite Chief
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« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2019, 04:40:16 PM »

She is a really sick person and has to navigate the craziness in her own head. She did not get what she thought she needed so she left. Remember you can not make sense of crazy. Of course she is not crazy but there is no logic so people like you and me get confused.

I would assume that she is bleeding this guy dry trying to feel loved. If you are like me you are naturally attracted to these kind of woman so it is going to happen again. Learn from what you experienced because you will find your best friend one day
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swimjim
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« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2019, 04:53:38 PM »

Thanks Granite Chief. Yes, I found out she had filed bankruptcy after she left me. I had no idea she had money problems. Now it makes sense why she was desperate to get married. I was a good candidate to help her financially but it had nothing to do with love. It has been a long time now since we broke up and I still think of he often. Maybe I yearn to get love bombed again to capture that euphoria of fantasy love and great sex.  Since we broke up a few years ago, nobody "moves" me like she did. Hence, my attraction to dysfunction. I keep going to therapy. Somehow, I must believe that I would ultimately be miserable if I was married to her as my therapist tells me. 
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2019, 08:57:43 PM »

The answer is yes.  It would have always been something. She didn’t act in this disfunctonal way just towards you. You don’t know the dynamics of the current relationship, but you do know with a BPD partner that they are or will be dealing with infidelity, impulsiveness, substance abuse, emotional instability, money issues, anger...etc etc etc. I will bet you a million zillion dollars.
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« Reply #6 on: May 14, 2019, 06:34:12 AM »

Hi Swimjim
Sorry you need to be here but the answer to your question is yes!  Sadly there will always be another ultimatum, want, need or desire.   In my opinion it has a dual purpose, proof that you love them but also as a distraction to kill the pain and emptiness they feel.  Its so tragic as they move from one crisis to the next not fully understanding consequences because they live in the moment so planning ahead and looking to the future is very difficult because they can only focus on the need at that time.  Once that need is met something else comes along because thats life but they dont have the coping skills to deal with every day life.
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swimjim
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« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2019, 10:47:49 AM »

Has anyone had first hand experience of marrying your ex because she was convinced you were perfect for her only to find out after marriage that you were flawed like the rest of us. thus, the downfall of the marriage? I only ask because I constantly struggle with "only if I would have given her what she begged me for". Now she has it with another man. I blame myself with thoughts of " I let her get away". I want to get peace of mind that if I would have succumbed to her DEMAND, it would have only been the beginning of more demands.

She appeared so convincing. It really brings me down to realize it was only a façade. She had absolutely no problem replacing me and quickly marrying someone else. My therapist says to me that her husband has no idea what he is in for unless he has already started seeing cracks in her mask.     
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« Reply #8 on: May 14, 2019, 11:12:13 AM »

I blame myself with thoughts of " I let her get away". I want to get peace of mind that if I would have succumbed to her DEMAND, it would have only been the beginning of more demands.

you cant know that for certain. therefore it might be unlikely to work.

there are a few things you do know for certain.

your ex had a strong need to push for commitment very quickly. you had a lot of reservations about doing that.

couples do fight and break up over this sort of thing...these sorts of conflicting needs and wishes, and there are lots of things that drive them...sometimes age, sometimes finances/circumstances, fears of abandonment and/or commitment, etc. my ex and i had a big fight over her wanting to move in quickly and me being very much opposed. similarly, while i believed i would marry my ex, our relationship was pretty dysfunctional and i could never really imagine it getting to a healthy place where id be willing to take that step. i suspect that on some level, she could feel that.

your ex hung around for a while, and tried to push you to change your mind. you also hung around for a while wanting the relationship, but not to take that step. it was, for a while, a "too good to leave, too bad to stay" situation, and the two of you fought to change it from that place of conflict.

ultimately, her need for that commitment took precedent. the problem for you was that you werent done with the relationship. it caught you off guard, and it hurt. even more so when she pressed that need for commitment on someone else. its very much like having the rug pulled out from under you and its hard to recover from.

the key to detaching, i would suggest, is not to convince yourself of what you might have faced, or what the new guy might be facing. the key is exploring the very real, unresolvable differences between the two of you. looking at the idea that while the two of you had something, something strong, those different needs may have been stronger, and perhaps the two of you, together, may not have been the best fit for each other.

what do you think?
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swimjim
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« Reply #9 on: May 14, 2019, 12:16:54 PM »

Thanks Once Removed for taking the time to respond. I blame myself every day for hesitating to marry her when she wanted me. I had been married twice before and had only recently came back to financial stability after taking huge losses in both divorces. For me, I had seen some red flags from her while we dated and I just wanted to take our courting time at a slower pace. She had never been married before but was too old to have more children by the time we started dating. She had admitted to me years earlier when we were just friends that she purposely got pregnant on purpose to get her then boyfriend to commit to her. It did not work at that time and he bolted while her parents helped raise the baby with her. We did date briefly 18 years ago and she dumped me because I bought a home without a swing set in the back yard. I tried to convince her I can still put one in. She said too late, I should have thought of it when I bought the house.

When we did finally break up this last time, she started a smear campaign with my best friend and seduced him. I tried to win her back by purchasing the ring she always wanted. The tragic result was her calling the police and filing a false restraining order against me which was thrown out in court. It was a horrible experience. I never once mistreated her nor threatened her and she drags me into court.

 After the dust settled, I found out she was over $300k in debt and filed bankruptcy after we broke up.  Although the judge scolded her for wasting everyone's time in court while dismissing the RO, she sat there crying in front of the judge begging that she needed safety for her and her daughter. Although I was vindicated in court, I was in total disbelief that she was in fear of me. To this day, I will never understand this whole experience. From the day the police called me to leave her alone and the restraining order hearing ( 3 months ), I left her alone and never contacted her.

I feel so much shame and embarrassment from this whole experience and have lost all my self confidence. It is difficult for me to move on.   
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« Reply #10 on: May 14, 2019, 10:29:13 PM »

She had admitted to me years earlier when we were just friends that she purposely got pregnant on purpose to get her then boyfriend to commit to her.

thats in the realm of extreme "need for commitment".

Excerpt
When we did finally break up this last time, she started a smear campaign with my best friend and seduced him.

ouch. i imagine that must have created immense feelings of betrayal, both from a best friend, and a person who had called you a soulmate.

Excerpt
I tried to win her back by purchasing the ring she always wanted. The tragic result was her calling the police and filing a false restraining order against me which was thrown out in court. It was a horrible experience. I never once mistreated her nor threatened her and she drags me into court.

i think this would be really surreal to go through. i had an ex once that kind of made herself into my worst enemy. told people i was stalking her, literally put a couple of fliers up at school mocking me. we had, for years before we were together, been close friends. i think when someone youve been that close to treats you with contempt, or as if youre evil or bad, someone to be banished, its hard to comprehend.

Excerpt
I feel so much shame and embarrassment from this whole experience and have lost all my self confidence. It is difficult for me to move on.   

i think youve touched on the crux of it, swimjim. it was a profound experience, with long lasting feelings of shame, rejection, and damage to your self confidence. that can create a deep and lingering wound, although not one that cant be healed.

i dont think that it can be healed by telling yourself you dodged a bullet. it seems like youve tried that. its kind of like if someone rejects or hurts us, we dont gain our self esteem back by hurting or rejecting them. we gain our self esteem back by nurturing and rebuilding it. the neat thing is that when we do that, the things that others have done to us lose their power over us.

what have you tried in that regard?
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #11 on: May 15, 2019, 11:50:23 AM »

Excerpt
I blame myself every day for hesitating to marry her when she wanted me.

Hey swimjim, Don't beat yourself up!  What makes you think things would have played out differently had you married her?  In my experience, marriage tends to exacerbate BPD symptoms.  It doesn't get any easier, my friend, when one is married to a pwBPD.  Suggest you focus on gratitude for getting out of an unhealthy situation.

LuckyJim

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swimjim
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« Reply #12 on: May 15, 2019, 02:14:06 PM »

Thanks Once Removed and Lucky Jim For taking the time to help me out with your valid responses. I understand I need to look at myself more. I have been doing that.  I realize that once I am in a better place emotionally, I will not struggle any longer to try to make sense of this experience. It kind of reminds me of the popular slogan "The best revenge is to live a good life" Sure, if you are living a good life, your ex would be the furthest thing from your mind. However, easier said than done. I am much better today than I was a few years ago. Once removed, you obviously read my previous questions as to whether I dodged a bullet or not. No matter if I got a million yes answers to that question, I'm still not satisfied. Maybe I always give the other person the benefit of the doubt. You are only hearing my side of the story, not hers. There are always two sides to a story. Besides, she is the one who has moved on, not me.

What have I done to help myself you ask? You name it. I have been to counseling, work out at the gym every day, partake in a hobby to occupy my time, tried the online dating for a long time with never meeting a good match, and talk with friends. I actually paid my therapist to tell me that the best way to get over someone is to fall in love again. Again, easier said than done.

I think what gets me stuck in the past is trying to see her behavior from her standpoint. I can't. The only time I would call the police on someone or taken someone to court is if I was either threatened or actually hurt (broke the law).

I have never sought revenge. I know you would actually feels worse. However, My ex best friend is in jail for problems with drugs and alcohol. It really give me no pleasure to know that. She, on the other hand, found another white knight in shining armor while acting the damsel in distress to woo him over and now she lives on lakefront property with an older sugar daddy while she is in the midst of bankruptcy.

Remember this... She pursued me relentlessly and begged me for marriage at lightening speed. All I said to her was settle down, you have me. Other than bearing more children, what would be the hurry to make it legal. Let's take our time and enjoy growing together. She resented that line of thinking obviously. She never disclosed to me tht she had money problems. Any her own daughter and mother were on me to get her a ring. I could write a book on this ordeal.       
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